Ever since Yu Haiqiao had returned home this evening, I had yet to bring up the most crucial reason as to why I should kill this dog.
He was a lying b!tch.
Back when we were studying, instead of telling his family that he was going out to play, he would say—— “Shi Ran’s pop quiz results last week were too bad so I’m helping out by tutoring her.” Then, he’d put on his school bag and appear in front of my house like a good student, earning my mom’s trust as well as cheating me into leaving, using school topics as an excuse. After lying to get me out of the house, he would then proceed to play basketball and whatnot by himself whereas I had to carry the thick exercise books and do self-study in an environment unfit for learning.
Back then, I was young and ignorant, thinking that he was really worried about my grades. I had even thanked him a couple of times. In the end, I told my mother the truth out of fury and set things straight.
Even when he turned into an adult, this dog’s mouth only started spouting more lies, tricking my parents into thinking that giving my hand in marriage to him was my fortune. Even the only popsicle left in the fridge last weekend was secretly eaten by him, but he innocently denied this in front of me, saying, “I didn’t.”
This b!tch has never uttered a single word of truth. In this household, there was only him and I. Could he be implying that my popsicle had grown legs and had run off by itself? The fact that he could even spout such low-level lies made my understanding of him reach new heights. After the conversation, silence prevailed for 10 seconds, and I gave him the middle finger before returning to my room, silently lying on the bed and inputting his Alipay[1] password to pay off all the things sitting in my shopping cart.
Considering the principle that money can indeed buy happiness, my spirits were lifted for a few days. Even Yu Haiqiao’s face seemed to be slightly more tolerable to look at. I no longer called him Dog Yu on weChat and even thoughtfully ordered some afternoon snack takeout for him and his eight colleagues.
Originally, I was going to give him a surprise by asking the delivery guy to send it to their company reception but was informed that the b!tch wasn’t in.
I immediately gently and politely brought this up with Yu Haiqiao and he only responded with three words——“I was outside.”
Just as I was about to explain that I had ordered some afternoon snacks for his whole department, Yu Haiqiao replied, “Chen Xie came back from France and treated me to coffee.”
Nobody knew why the IT department manager of a pharmaceutical company was so idle that he could sneak out of work to drink coffee outside with his ex-girlfriend.
That’s right. Chen Xie was the school flower back at Yu Haiqiao’s senior high. She and Yu Haiqiao had been keeping in contact all this time. Back in university, when I was having a beautiful ambiguous relationship with a student who was in the music department, to mock the single life that Yu Haiqiao was living, I even happily introduced him to some people.
In the end, the man sat at the milk tea shop and leisurely took out his phone, looking for Chen Xie’s chat history then pushing his phone in front of me, “Does this brother even need your concern?”
This b!tch Yu Haiqiao turned the tables on me, catching me off-guard. Then, he took his phone back and said with a small smile that clearly didn’t hold good intentions, “You should just concern yourself with that four-eyed music student. He’s probably so nearsighted his glasses must not be doing anything for him to actually fancy you.” His tone was slow and calm as he verbally attacked me, “Is he 1.70m tall? If you wear heels and walk together with him, you would have to lower your head to look at him right? And for his taste in music, I don’t even know how he got into the school’s music department.” He continued slowly, “Oh, was he the person you told me about getting only 40 marks in the college entrance exams?” He smiled at me, “No wonder you two are together, you connect at an intellectual level.”
One day, I hoped that someone would pour hot oil into this b!tch Yu Haiqiao’s mouth and sew it shut with a needle but the me from that time, nearly ripped the milk tea shop’s table in half, but because the table was fixed to the ground, I couldn’t even successfully lift it up, instead, I could only clench my fists, restraining the urge to punch him to death.
Moreover, this dog Yu Haiqiao never understood the words “Enough is enough”. I deeply suspect that even if I take a knife and cleave him in half while he was relishing in mocking me, hiis mouth that would be split into four, would still continue to prattle.
Confronted with my furious appearance, he was still able to calmly continue, “Speaking of which, I saw him walking off with a girl who was 1.55m tall in his arms in a hotel near the school.”
I silently uttered a ‘f*ck’ in my heart, exclaiming how my sight for men was rather like a b!tch detector instead.
Yu Haiqiao then gave me a heavy pat on the shoulder, “My condolences.”
This dogshit who took joy in other people’s misfortune made me so mad I immediately turned around and walked off, silently swearing in my heart that I would never meet that b!tch until the day he died.
After that, Yu Haiqiao apologized to me for a whole week as well as covered my food expenses for a whole month. He even helped take attendance for the elective classes I didn’t want to attend so I reluctantly brushed the matter off.
Now that he had gone out to meet the ex-girlfriend he never cut off contact with, I realized there was a big problem.
I solemnly sent him several commands on weChat, “Comrade Yu Haiqiao. Please do not forget your currently married status.”
“If you insist on reviving your former love, then please do it after you sign the divorce agreement with me. If you cheat on me in this marriage, your conscience will receive great condemnation.”
As a result, this b!tch actually never sent me a single message. The last call he made was when he was in the car, saying that he was on the way home after getting off of work, asking me to first boil radish and spare rib soup as well as meticulously instructing me the composition of spare rib, radish and water.
I thought I had ample reason to poison this soup and poison him to his motherf*cking death.
*
Thinking of this, grudges both new and old began to surge in my heart and I could no longer wait to poison him. I threw the TV remote away, walking towards the kitchen to confront him, “Dog Yu.”
He was happily humming a small tune, which sounded very unpleasant and upon hearing this, he cast me a resentful look, “How vulgar.” He elegantly and coldly spat out these two words.
“Did you secretly eat the popsicle I put in the fridge last weekend?” I asked darkly.
Yu Haiqiao earnestly thought for a moment before innocently replying, “It wasn’t me.”
Me: “Did you break the skincare bottle I placed on the shelf?”
“….It wasn’t me. You’re the one who carelessly broke it. Plus, didn’t I buy you a new bottle?”
“When work had recently gotten busy for me and I had to work overtime during the weekends, have you been secretly using my sheet masks without permission?”
“Last time, my mom and your mom came over and your mom mentioned that you shopped like you had a disease, storing things until they went bad, so she came over to help you clear up some space, carrying off a bunch of things together with my mom.”
“Really? Why didn’t I know that they both came over, why didn’t you tell me?” Now that he mentioned it, I haven’t seemed to have visited home in a long time and seen mom.
He looked back at me with a disgusted expression, “Can you get out of the kitchen, you’re affecting my cooking skills.”
I solemnly shot a resentful gaze at Yu Haiqiao, hoping that he would start confessing all his lies.
This b!tch Yu Haiqiao didn’t understand the look in my eyes and made me leave the kitchen f*ck. I immediately felt as if our marriage had reached the limit and swiftly made a decision, saying, “Let’s divorce.”
“….” Yu Haiqiao, who was happily cooking, agreed without turning his head, “Sure.”
I said, “Then let’s go get divorced at the Bureau of Civil Affairs this weekend.”
This dog Yu Haiqiao quickly replied, “Fine.” After a while, he then asked me hesitantly, “Is the Bureau open on weekends?”
An air of resentment welled up in my hair, “I don’t care if it’s open, I just want to get divorced!”
Yu Haiqiao turned around and looked at me for a long time as if I was an unreasonable little child making a fuss, “If the Bureau isn’t open, who’s going to stamp the document? Should I go to the little stamp store in the neighborhood and buy a stamp, then buy a divorce certificate online and stamp it for you?”
I gave him the middle finger and in order not to delay my dinner, I decided to push back the matter of divorce to a later time.
Food needs to be eaten first, Yu Haiqiao can die a little later.
[1] Alipay is an online payment platform, kind of like Chinese Paypal except it’s more prevalent as a form of payment for brick and mortar shops in some countries.