Track 21: Just Get Yourself Free

1.

Amber and Madaline were frozen there in the kitchen, there arms around each other, as if they'd been sculpted for the scene, it was a moment that only lasted a few short seconds, but inside of it, like so much else in the human experience, time was distorted, it felt like they stood there alone, together, for two weeks or maybe more, which when you think about might be fair; the truth was there had only been a couple nights between this moment and the last time they'd properly been in each other's presence, but hadn't it felt like months and months?

Thus perhaps we can see this moment of distorted time as something for them.

She didn't think about it, but that's how it felt for Amber, time pulled out, turned elastic, made of sharp spearmint and smooth leather and the relief of the realness of her friend, of Madaline enveloping her, more potent and wonderful than any strange phantasm of the imagination, but then the moment had to break as all moments inevitably must.

Time snapped back, it was only a few seconds. The door opened down the back hall and it was all blown away like dandelion seeds in a rough wind.

Madaline let Amber go and stepped backward towards the coffee pot where she’d left her cup.

It was only now that Amber noticed the third cup, waiting for the return of…

“Em, this is my roommate, Amber. Amber, Emily.”

“Hello, it’s nice to meet you,” Amber said, activating her PR smile, her clothes and makeup indeed making her feel a little more confident and in control as Serpentine had promised but, as it turned out, in this case, the confidence boost would not matter all that much.

“Mmm hi,” Emily said lazily.

Amber took three things in about Emily in that short introduction, one, she was perfect, two, she was infuriatingly perfect, and three, her hair was still wet from the shower.

Amber glanced at the wet waves of Madaline’s own hair, They might have showered separately, she insisted, knowing they didn’t.

And of course, they were both glowing, glowing together. In spite of her outfit and her makeup their duel luminescence left Amber feeling like something dim and dingy and dirty hidden in the back of a closet.

Emily passed over Madaline’s gauges, “Forgot these in there.”

“Oh, thanks,” Madaline said, trailing her fingers over Emily’s palm as she took the gauges, before screwing the spikes back into place.

From this small interaction it quickly became clear that whether down to personality or situation, Emily had no interest in engaging with Amber, she was too caught up in Madaline, practically hanging off of her with her eyes alone. Which part of Amber had to admit after the sounds she’d heard the previous evening, perhaps made a kind of sense.

Full Disclosure: If circumstances were different, if Amber was less exhausted and not now drawing as close as she was to the neighborhood of Wit’s End, she might have at least considered the possibility that Emily might need a minute to calibrate herself towards engaging with a new person, especially when she was still on her second cup of coffee, but on the other hand if circumstances were different Amber might have shrunk down into herself, as her mind wheeled away with thoughts about how she’d done something wrong in the less than ten words they’d exchanged, so depending on your point of view this could be regarded as an improvement in Amber’s way of viewing things.

Emily reached out and pinched a silky wet bundle of Madaline’s hair and drew it down.

Amber’s left eyelid twitched twice as she continued to smile. I hate her- No, I don’t. I hate her. No, that’s not. I do not hate her. She seems perfect-

A moment of nearly divine relief arrived as Amber felt Serpentine return to the foreground of her brain.

Okay, you want to say you don’t harbor any resentment, fine, I got it. I hate her. I fucking hate her, Serpentine seethed.

Amber glanced at the clock on the stove top, The rules, she needs to be out of the house before noon… Just have to wait it out, just a little more. She clutched the warmth of the mug between her hands, the slight burn keeping her present.

Her and Serpentine’s sighs synchronized, as Emily threw a little more coffee into her cup, the two women quickly became wrapped in a conversation about some event that was happening in June.

“No, no, no,” Madaline explained, “Tell them now, tell him now, take the time off, you’re not going to want to miss this,” Madaline said. “I’m telling you it’s huge, depending on how things go I might seriously splurge.”

Amber’s heart pulsed and her stomach felt just a tinge sick. She had to assume, whatever it was they were discussing, she would not be getting an invitation. There was that sense of separation, of different zones, Amber merely orbited Madaline, Emily lived on the same planet.

Wasn’t I supposed to feel confident in this outfit when meeting her? Amber asked.

It will if… the assumption was she would try to pull you into the conversation, like Rikka, Serpentine noted.

They have to be done soon, I’ll just-

Stand there and smile? You could always step in to ask what event they’re talking about or… did you notice the couple places you could derail the conversation?

Yeah, but I’m not going to-

Unfortunate… Madaline’s too good for her.

I'm not so sure, look at her, seriously, you know, this one, she looks like a model.

It was true, Emily's azure hair was spectacular in the morning light, her body curvy, every proportion luscious and exquisitely shaped, her flaunted collarbone decorated with its eye capturing black heart.

Oh, god! Amber exclaimed in an internal alarm, that could only be caught by the outside world as a twitch of her eyebrow.

What? Serpentine asked.

What if they're all like this, what if they're all so so beautiful and in all kinds of different ways, like think about if... Rikka and Emily are poles on a spectrum, and Madaline herself is, so... what then?

I don't know, princess, what then? Anyway, she's still not good enough for her, you know?

I... Look at her, if she's not-

Amber watched as Emily brought a hand first to her own chest then moved it to Madaline’s upper arm, gripping it, feeling it, squeezing, groping.

No, no, I see what you're saying, Amber agreed, You're totally right, no, she isn't good enough, sure she's pulchritudinous you know, a good pick if you're looking for someone to have... a roll in the hay, but she'd make a substandard partner... for Madaline. Like I said she looks like a model, but this isn't just about looks, she'd be great for so many other people though, like if I was interested in women, she'd... but Madaline's Madaline and not just anyone can be....

Emily burst into bright, unobstructed laughter, leaning towards Madaline and sliding two fingers affectionately through a belt loop on the taller woman's hip.

Amber’s tongue slicked gently over the sharpness of her repaired incisor, You know what… I… what I hate about her… not… no, I don’t hate her… just, you know, about her…

Amber’s mind flashed with the memory of her laying in bed listening to them, her mind rioting, ranting with hatred, like a skipping disc. She shoved it down, that hadn’t happened that way, no way she’d had such a strong reaction to such a… silly, albeit embarrassing, situation.

What’s that? Serpentine asked.

She- No. Not just her, but Rikka too, the both of them, you know… Madaline is Madaline and with Madaline it’s different, but I hate how… expansive they are…

Expansive?

Yeah, you know, they’re both... big and loud, even when they're small and quiet, they're not sorry, Rikka wasn't sorry when she kissed Madaline, when she interrupted us and this girl isn't sorry for… for… for practically having sex with Madaline in Simon's kitchen… just by… looking at her…. and...

Hey, princess, if we're talking about her being loud then we can't forget... Serpentine said, essentially handing Amber a mental gas can so Amber could pour it on her own emotions.

Yeah, yeah, when she cums, no that's totally fair, she's so obnoxious about it, she doesn't have to be so... over the top- and I hate them cause they're both so pretty but ….

You know something Amber, I don't hate them for that… I'm with you, I hate them, but if I was going to love them, I think those are good reasons to love them.

Amber blinked, sipping her coffee, she hadn’t been able to get Serpentine to take a different opinion when she’d needed her too, though this didn’t have the same feel of Serpentine being combative either, so what did their contradictory opinions mean?

Didn’t matter, she caught sight of something in the reflection of her mug, she turned her head, looking out the window down the hall at the street, there was a car waiting at the curb.

She went to sip her coffee again.

Do it, Serpentine said.

Amber stopped with the coffee halfway to her mouth, “Hey, um, there’s a car outside, I think, is that for you?” Amber asked, making her voice pleasantly helpful, like when she talked to those irritating customers at her job that got to the front and didn’t know what they were getting, she hated them too.

“Ooops,” Emily laughed, reaching into the pocket of jean shorts that were way too tight and checked her phone.

“That him?” Madaline asked.

Emily giggled, “Yeah, he’s been waiting a minute.”

Madaline took the cup out of Emily’s hands and set it aside.

Emily stepped into her, pressing her chest to Madaline’s. Madaline took her chin softly in her hand.

“Alright, let me know… he causes you any problems, gives you any grief-”

“He’s not going to cause problems, Maddy, he’s not going to give me any grief, unless you come to the door, or he’s out there looking up your plate, he doesn’t know your car.”

“Like I was saying though, just in case, if he causes any problems, I can be right over there, alright, whatever you need, okay-”

WHAT! Amber's brain shrieked.

Emily smirked, “You specifically said that you had something to do today, out of town somewhere I think?”

Amber watched in horror as Madaline stopped, her fingers rubbing circles on Emily’s shoulder in thought. Amber could see the promise of putting aside whatever else Madaline had planned, which logically was supposed to involve Amber and not Emily, all so Madaline could be what? On call for something?

Then miraculously Emily came to her aid, “Maddy, no, do what you had planned, even if there is a problem, worst of the worst case scenarios, I’m still not calling you.”

This confounded Amber, she had Madaline nearly offering to help her, who else would she want in a crisis?

Madaline herself looked stricken, “Why?”

“Because whatever problems there may be, it’s not going to require intervention with a tank, it’s just going to be a pain, anything more and I’ve got Cam’s number and Riley’s and everyone else's I could need. You and him have already gotten into it, if we get into an argument you being there is just going to escalate things, I promise, if it turns out I need an armed guard, I will call you after them for backup, but it’s not, go do what you have to do.”

Amber puzzled over this, she turned her head and looked into the drive at the car, Who is that?

A loading bar slowly filled in Amber’s head and when it was done the obvious answer was there, making Amber’s body temp climb three or four degrees:

WAIT! IS THAT HER BOYFRIEND? IS MADALINE HER… MISTRESS? WHAT- WHAT KIND OF THREE PENNY NONSENSE IS THIS? WHY?

Serpentine was cackling.

Amber shushed her as her brain began scratching something else up, the coded chat between Madaline and Rikka back at the cafe, Emily, Emily and her wart, if her wart came to the party he’d feel awkward seeing Madaline… Then Emily last night said something about how her wart snored.

Wart… And she got it, she got the joke, she almost laughed, what does a girl get if she goes around kissing frogs hoping they’ll turn into a prince.

But yes, they were having an affair, or at least Emily was, and Emily’s boyfriend either suspected or maybe just had a problem with Madaline in general.

“Alright,” Madaline said, dragging her thumb over Emily’s cheek. “I’m probably going to go with my plans, but you text me later, let me know everything is good. Remember if there's a problem-”

“Tamilies, yep, Tamilies and heat level, mild, spicy, extra spicy, Cam taught me the week I met you all. Not going to need it. It's all HD TV, hen.”

"Okay, let me know, I'll have my phone,” Madaline bent down into a kiss.

Amber took a deep breath, tried to look away and couldn’t, as her heart squirmed inside her, it lasted longer than any kiss had any right to.

Finally: “Bye,” Emily wiggled her fingers at Madaline and sashayed her way through the room, at last pausing. “Mmmm, lovely to meet you Amber, sorry we didn’t get a chance to talk, but Rikka will be thrilled to hear someone else has met you now, hope to see you again soon.”

A finger cracked, “Fucking knew it,” Madaline threw her hands up.

“Thank you, it was nice meeting you,” Amber nodded with a smile.

Emily smiled back at her in a way that oddly made Amber’s throat feel like it wanted to close up.

“Bye Amber, bye Maddy.”

Emily went to the door, went out the door, went down the drive, got in the car, and the car pulled away.

Amber sipped coffee. Maddy again, everyone calls her Maddy… She hates Maddy.

Madaline rubbed her temple and found her vape, puffing.

Amber had questions, but in lieu of any that mattered to her, “Rikka is spreading rumors?”

“Yeah, fraid so, they’re not as bad as they could have been, but congratulations, seems you’re going to be a minor celebrity. I am going to wait until Rikka passes out sometime and…” she sighed, slapped a hand on the counter, and closed her eyes for thirty seconds, before, “Tamilies.”

“Tamilies?” Amber asked. “Is that Gum Shoe?”

“Yeah, you should… learn this one for me if nothing else.”

I’ll learn it all for you if you teach me.

“Tamilies, is… SOS, emergency, come help immediately. Especially for if you can't say you need help. Spice level, how dangerous the situation is…”

“Isn’t it tamales?”

“It’s something you can ask for or plan to get, it’s a mispronunciation, just slip it in as a little verbal fuck up and go ahead, I’d like to order some tamilies, girl, I’ve been craving tamilies, I mean tamales… has to be that way. Personally I don’t like them, but what if somebody actually wants tamales, so tamilies.”

They sipped coffee, Emily’s presence fading from the room.

Amber was starting to feel awkward, deeply aware of the distance between them. Then Madaline was crossing the divide and wrapping her in another hug. “Missed you.”

“I missed you,” Amber said, once again.

It was like they were rewinding to when Amber had just come down, a do over, this time without Emily's disruption of their reunion.

“You look great,” Madaline said, finger flicking Amber’s hair. “Love your makeup, eyes are gorgeous as always. You seem a little out of it though, quiet.”

“I just haven’t woken up yet.”

“Oh, well, I was going to drive to Marbleporte today, got a couple things I’m missing too much to stand anymore.”

“Your parents?”

“No, my storage unit. You want to come with me… or, if you’re too tired, we can just chill here today, watch some anime, missed it last night.”

Amber blinked, lost in the green sea of Madaline's eyes, “Um, no, I mean, Marbleporte, that sounds like a nice drive.”

“Alright,” she smiled, “You’re nice to come back to you know that?”

Amber found herself hugging her again.

What she’d born witness to when Emily was in the room, sat in the back of her mind, the Emily affair, it was still there, the concern, the questions, but she could wonder about it later, in the moment what did anything matter other than Madaline being there and happy to see her? That and they had the whole day ahead together.

2.

Just like that, it was like a conductor lifting their hand, the silence ended, the music began once more, Madaline’s car took the East bound highway and they began a swerving cut up the coast; here Amber was again at last, surrounded by the peace that could only be known in Madaline's car and the joy of movement, the beauty of the world rolling past.

That said, the wire of tension was inarguably back again and had twisted itself in a knot, like a gentle pain that wouldn’t seem to go away, but Amber felt no need to dwell on it, growing more and more relaxed as Madaline piloted the car from old road to highway to old road, granting Amber, in patches, a brilliant view of the Atlantic waters, great batches of empty space crushed between a bloated grey sky threatening rain and the uneasy churning green of the water below.

Once South Providence was behind them Madaline took a chance on the warbling instability of the FM radio, twisting the knob for a clear station as the others dimmed and flickered out, back and forth the numbers went, hunting, finding: Black Sheep, Black Uhuru, Shampoo and The Who. Somewhere on a set of back roads there was even ten minutes of sea shanties that made Madaline chuckle vapor and beam with delight.

Then they were back with the Atlantic waters in sight, the knob twisted and landed on a station playing Cool Schmool and somewhere in the comfort of the movement, the sight of the water, and the serenade of Bratmobile's cheeky riot grrl rant Amber’s eyes tipped closed and she began to doze. It was the most rejuvenating rest that Amber had gotten since Madaline's departure.

A while later, a new shift in the station woke her, leaving her blinking and rubbing her eyes.

“You’ve been asleep for a bit,” Madaline said.

“Um, yeah, just dozing, sorry.”

“It’s cool, princess, should’ve had more coffee, you can go back to sleep though, we still got a little bit more to go.”

“No, no I’m-”

“Wait a sec,” Madaline said in consideration, “Did you eat anything this morning.”

Amber thought, There was sugar in the coffee, that wouldn’t fly. “No, I guess, I didn’t.”

Madaline cranked the gear shift and the car slid into a turn hitting a dirt road, “Cool, we can fix that, if we were going to forget, this was a good time to remember.”

Madaline took them down through several roads of dense trees, the air changing as they went, getting closer and closer to water.

At last they came to their destination, it was a shack out in the water, connected to the road by a short dock. A simple hand painted sign simply read: Milo's

They were out of the car and walking down the planks towards the shack by the time Amber began to consider the structure, wondering if their added weight might cause it to collapse or sink.

Madaline glanced at her, grinned and put a hand to her back, “I know how it looks, but it’s the best and the owner loves me.”

Amber laughed and ran a hand through her hair, “Everybody loves you, Madaline, which is more than fair, but that’s not a strong argument for this place's structural integrity."

“It’s fine, if it comes loose from the shore, we’ll just sail it to another port.”

Amber licked her lips, “Well, I’ve always thought staying on a houseboat could be nice.”

“Groovy, I’ll keep my ears open about one, whisk you off to a new life at sea.”

The image of Madaline as a pirate with Amber thrown over her shoulder popped into her head, for which Serpentine offered the commentary, Groovy is right, aquatic domestica, no need to feel ashamed about abandoned responsibilities in your new life of maritime delights if your bestie press gangs you. Out on the high seas anything can happen.

Obviously, if she kidnapped me I wouldn’t…Hush.

They moved through a wooden door.

The inside was like walking into an updated Admiral Benbow from Treasure Island; a dingy water side tavern, filled with neon beer signs, wooden tables, the smell of fried food and a fireplace that shielded them from the cold coming off the water on the rainy day.

Behind the counter was an older man whose face had weathered many storms and muscles like bowling balls, dressed in a white shirt with a single large silver hoop in one ear. He saw them, there was recognition, then a smile and at last a scowl, he pointed a set of metal tongs at Madaline as though threatening her with a sword and spoke with a furious lisp and a hint of a Caper accent, “You! You!”

Madaline paused in her step holding up her hands, and smiled like someone trying to remember what she’d done, “Yep… it’s me. Great to see you too, Milo.”

“I have three kids, Mellor,” he said, slapping the tongs against the counter and cocking a hand to his hip.

“I… weep for your ex wife?”

“Three, Madaline,” he clicked the tongs at her, coming out from behind the counter.

“I swear, I don’t think any of them are mine.”

Amber glanced at Madaline, felt the urge to defend her, but wasn’t sure what she was defending her from.

“I knew when you went off to college my books would suffer, but I still got you back here every few months.”

“Yeahhhh?”

“But over a year without you around, my business is a fragile ecosystem, don't think I didn't notice the hit, that I didn't take it personally."

Madaline relaxed. “I was in Sweden for a bit, just got back a couple months ago.”

“Two months and you haven’t been to see me, after all I’ve done for you? Shame on you,” he wrapped Madaline in a tight hug.

Madaline embraced him, “It’s great to see you, man.”

Milo released her and turned to Amber, “Who is this, classing up the joint?”

“I’m Amber.”

“Lovely to meet you, Miss Amber. I'm Milo, proprietor of Milo's.”

Amber shook his hand, noticing a tattoo on his wrist: a triangle with a t rising from one point, an arrow from another and what seemed to be a cat's paw print in the triangle's center.

“Go ahead and take a seat, you want the special, Mellor?”

“Always,” Madaline leaned over the bar, getting herself a bottle of beer “You want beer or soda, Amber?”

“Soda, please,”

There was the pop of bottle caps coming off glass bottles, setting them to hiss as Madaline placed them on the table.

“What can I get you, Miss Amber?”

“Um, whatever the special is.”

“Good choice. Alright watch her for me. Do not steal from the till Mellor, I counted it.”

“Still haven't and would never steal from your till and I just got here, when did you count it?”

“Heh, counted it before you got here, something in the air, trouble brewing, should've known you’d finally be showing up, disrespect is what it is, taking this long to stop through,” he snapped the tongs at her again, before journeying back into the kitchen.

Madaline waved her hand, “That- He used to tell me that as a joke… mostly... I worked here for a summer when I was on probation. I don't take it personally, cause he never threatened to report me."

“Yeah, cause I want pigs in my place of business. It’s empty now, Ms Amber, but we’re full from five to eleven, that door revolves, long as Madaline isn’t in the kitchen, in fact, now I think of it that summer did more financial damage then her not coming by,” Milo called from the back.

“Ha ha,” said Madaline, sipping.

A complex smell of fried fish and spices wafted into the room.

As they sat down across from each other, Amber’s mind flickered back to the confrontation between her and Madaline with the plate of pasta between them.

“One time… you said you were charged with assault and battery, was that what you were on probation for?”

Madaline pressed the mouth of the beer bottle to her lips and drank, “Ah, yeah, well, they were trying to charge me as an adult with two A and Bs, but in the end, got charged as a minor and I just got the one A, heck of a deal in retrospect.”

“Did you do it?”

“Oh fuck yeah,” Madaline pulled out her phone and started texting.

Amber stopped herself from glowering, inside her stomach, suddenly far more noticeable, the wire of tension twisted itself round once again. She didn’t really have a standard to gauge things by, but she was slightly dismayed to find her background tension level was now at what had once been proper for a few days, or even a week, and it had only been a few hours.

“Months of pissing in a cup," Madaline said, her fingers working her phone, "So fucking sober that summer, plus anger management, community service. Judge told me to get a job to pay the costs and the fines and the fees and… the costs of the damage, which let me tell you, my ma throughout the whole thing was telling me to keep my mouth shut and I did, that’s one of the reasons I got off so well, like the cops were, well cops and they didn’t... they blew apart the regulations," she shook her head.

"What do you mean blew apart the regulations?"

"Ah, state laws, my ID said female and seventeen so they could charge me as an adult, but they can't put you into an adult cell until after you turn eighteen or get convicted and, once again, state laws, my ID said female, so the cell they were supposed to hold me in was supposed to not be the male holding cell.”

"Fought for that shit," Milo called.

"Thank you and respect, but didn't do me any good that night."

“Wait what?” Amber asked, horrified, her father's voice in her head telling her about the delicate balance that had to be maintained between the law and upholding the law.

“When they arrested me they stuck me in an occupied holding cell for adults, for men.”

“That’s… awful,” Amber didn’t have words, though the concept of police who didn’t follow written regulations wasn’t all that foreign to her.

“Shit, yeah, but it became a bargaining chip and the two guys in there were actually alright. They threw me in there and I was getting... stirred up, cause I'd been... anyway, ah Teddy, big biker guy, told me no one was going to mess with me, but he knew my mom too so… anyway, like I was saying, mom, told me to keep my mouth shut over and over and I did, but the judge told me she didn’t want my mom paying for fines and shit, that almost broke me that was the most fucking… fucked up… I can’t even…” Her teeth clicked, she put her phone down long enough to crack three knuckles one after the other. She shook out her hand and sighed, “Yeah, I can’t even… still… I guess….” She laughed a little, then went back to texting. “Anyway it ended up working as a bargaining chip, and the judge eviscerated the county for it later anyway, didn’t get them what they deserved but… something.”

Amber tried to parse out why compared to being placed in an adult male holding cell, the judge wanting her to work and pay her own fines was what still got to her. Furthermore, Amber hadn’t actually gotten the answer to the question, Madaline had taken it wrong, Amber had been asking if she’d actually done the assault.

Milo brought their food and Amber with a little reluctance decided to let it go, it didn’t seem like the kind of story one should enjoy over a meal.

The plates hit the table and to Amber’s joy Madaline’s phone went away.

The special were plates of four fish tacos.

“Two specials for the lovely lady and the troublemaker, the cod is fresh out of the water this morning,” From his apron he set a stack of plain white napkins next to each plate, then dropped two bottles of sauce one red, one green, Madaline immediately went for the green bottle dispersing lines across her tacos.

“Bullshit this is from the market in town, the secret is in the spices in the breading and the sauce, here try a taste.”

“Yes, Mellor, fresh from the water, which gets sold by the market in town.”

Amber unscrewed the cap and dropped a dollop on her finger and sucked it off, a sugary mild heat. “Mmm, that’s pretty good.”

Amber drizzled some of the green sauce across one of the tacos and took a small bite, flavor dancing over her tongue, “Oh wow,” she wiped her mouth with a napkin, “that’s yummy.”

Milo grinned, “Those who want fish and know come here, I’m so glad to see your taste in women is improving,” he smiled again at Amber.

Madaline’s teeth crunched into a taco.

“Ah, we’re just friends,” Amber said, the words flowing out smooth as a special sheen of glee overtook her brain.

“That’s fine, she’s less likely to get you in trouble then and I don’t mind elaborating to prove my point. She and her friend used to come here a bunch and E’s great, but that other girl," he let out a whistle. "You're not still seeing that one are you, Mellor?”

Madaline stopped mid chew, her face freezing as though he'd come up from behind and knocked her in the head with a spatula. She finished chewing, and then washed her food down with almost half her beer. "That was like four years ago," she shrugged, "Nah, she transferred out of state, same year. Lost touch." Madaline tapped her fingers on her bottle as though wanting to drain the remainder, but not allowing herself to do so. She took another bite of taco instead.

Milo smiled, “That’s good to hear, that one had a bad case of necrosis of the soul. I'm not one to say anyone needs Jesus, but...”

Madaline stopped chewing again, swallowed, then muttered something about complexity or complications, and maybe something to do with Charlie Parker getting ruined.

Amber’s mind went to Emily and Rikka, which it must be said was not even remotely who Milo meant. Madaline seemed at best cagey about the whole thing, so Amber decided it might be best to pull his attention, “Ah, what’s the red bottle, Mister Milo?”

“More hotter, more everything,” Milo said, "For only if you dare."

Amber nodded.

“Kay, I think I’ve embarrassed you in front of your friend enough, I’m going to smoke, you need anything Miss Amber, Madaline knows where it is, which includes the till, Mellor, that you leave.”

Madaline put up her hands, “You are a merciful God, Milo, but I’m going to steal the whole thing just as a self fulfilling prophecy.”

“Uh-huh." He flipped Madaline off and left them alone.

“How was your party?” Amber asked, between bites, discovering herself honestly famished.

“It was good, other than Rikka’s mouth, it was really good, you know music, hallucinations, manic dancing. Nobody had any real problems, it was a good night.”

“Hallucinations?” Amber smiled.

“Totally... Trippy shit. Like ah psychedelic art."

"Oh," Amber nodded, not entirely sure how to discuss this, "So what's Rikka saying, is she saying... did her story finally include a squid."

"Mmm, no, not that I heard, just..." Madaline licked green sauce from her lips, licked again, "Just that we hang out a bunch and that you're pretty, which is fair, rumors can be true, she's still spreading them. What about you? What did you do?”

“Ah, not much, just the usual, cleaned, hung out with Simon, he says he thinks he's going to be getting a promotion soon, and, um, I finished reading Carmilla.”

“Carmilla, the gay vampire, right?”

“Yes, that book is so,” infuriating “Very gay, like its reputation doesn’t do it justice, I mean Dracula is kind of too when you think about it, just with guys.”

“Sure, but that’s not as fun.”

"No, it isn't," Amber smiled down at her plate, and worked her way through the rest of her taco, before looking back up, studying the worn wood of the walls, and at last took note of the handful of photographs pinned there,

At first they made her think of her mother’s box of Polaroids, but combined with Madaline once again checking her phone, that was quickly replaced by thoughts of Madaline and Emily talking cameras in between rounds the night before, here, the thoughts began to roll about back and forth, the conversation they’d had in the kitchen reemerging, Emily’s boyfriend picking her up and what-

“You okay?” Madaline asked, setting her phone down.

Darn, Amber thought. She’d gotten too relaxed right before her brain began to settle into muck and she’d forgotten to watch her face.

“Yeah, I'm good,” she said, fixing herself.

“I caught your gears turning, but they're getting stuck," Madaline looked at the kitchen, and tapped her nearly empty bottle, “You want to tell me something? Or... maybe, ask me something?"

Madaline might have been specifically referring to the subject Milo had been on about, but that curiosity had flown far out past the horizon in Amber's mind in favor of more current events.

There was no denying it, Amber did want to ask, needed to ask, but was committed to doing it in a way that wouldn’t endanger their relationship, how Madaline thought of her, no, she had to think it through, she had to be mature about it, it had to be handled with maturity and...

“Did you have sex with Emily?”

Dammit!

Madaline’s face stretched in surprise, “Did you…hear us?”

Lie now and believe it or your ears will turn red and she’ll know, “No,” she took a bite of her food, chewed and swallowed, “I woke up around four and didn’t get back to sleep until after Simon left for work, I didn't even know she was here till this morning.” You are fluent in Portuguese, you have a Grandmother named Maria… your Vovó, you've never told me either of those things... “I’m so sorry that’s very… I shouldn’t have asked that it was very presumptuous of me. Creepy. Weird.”

“No, it’s… fine… You’re just asking if we did, that’s not creepy, and ah, yeah. We did.

The ghost of Madaline growling through the wall reverberated in Amber’s head.

Amber gave a quick smile, and next spoke from behind a napkin as she wiped her mouth, “That's good. I'm glad you and her had a good time, you deserve.. companionship.”

“Yeah, thanks,” Madaline grinned a little and looked away, almost embarrassed, “It was nice waking up with someone and not having to drive.”

Amber nodded and drank some soda, telling herself that she needed to stop, that if she wanted to go down this path, to steal this information from Madaline’s lips, she had to plan it out, not just keep-

“Have you slept with Rikka?”

Goddammit.

Madaline shrugged a little, “Yeah, quite a few times, me and Rikka, we go back a ways?”

“Since you got back in town?”

Madaline nodded, drank beer. "Pretty recently, three weeks."

“Are you dating her, like... maybe just like occasionally… recreationally?.”

Madaline giggled, and ran her hand through her hair, tried to take another drink and found the bottle empty, “Ah,” she got up and got another bottle from behind the bar, “Me and Rikka, no, she should be so lucky.”

I’m interrogating her. Smiling and sounding casual isn’t going to cover that forever, it’s too brute force, I need to-

“She kissed you the other day.”

Madaline sat down, “Yeah, it's like I said the other day, she’s friendly.”

There it is again, that line, like it explains everything ever- I’m friendly. We don’t kiss.

Madaline’s fingers pattered out a sequence on the table and she gave her teeth a little suck, “What are you… I feel like we’re maybe kind of going around the actual thing you want to ask, it’s… it’s fine, just ask.”

Amber hesitated, “Do they know… that you kiss both of them, that you sleep-"

“I guess... if it’s on their radar, they don’t care, if that’s what you mean,” Madaline's bottle bubbled as she tipped and drank.

How can they not care?

“It’s just hooking up, right. I assume you’ve heard of a hookup?” Madaline laughed.

“Yeah, of course, I have, but it’s so soon… how do they not… like get jealous.”

“It's... it's a hookup, it's just sex between friends, ah, the crowd I run with tends to be fairly open, free love, poly.”

“Poly what?” Amber asked, before she could consider the question, this was a term that Madaline had thrown around a few times before.

“Poly want a cracker.” Madaline held out her hand, “No, poly… amorous?”

Amber blinked once.

Madaline studied her, started to smile and stopped, “Amber, you do know what pol-”

“Oh uh-huh, yes, that's what you mean,” Amber smiled, rapidly flooding her voice with certainty, “Loving many people, kind of like polygamy, but that's with marriage.” Amber said, decoding the full term in the moment from its components, and preying it wasn't some weird nonsensical bit of slang or else based around a joke she wasn't in on.

You complimented Emily with a word you learned from me and you tried to use bulwark and failed. So…. Just please believe me. Don't make me feel anymore…. Then I already do.

Madaline seemed to relax.

Amber felt the bliss of a lie that needed to be bought being sold; there was no way she was admitting to never having heard that word, not when the desperate line of questioning made her look so naive, but really, of course she’d heard of hooking up, and of course there would be multiple people that would want to do that with Madaline, it was just, Madaline had kissed and slept with two different women in as many months, Two at least, likely more, and Amber had only slept with and kissed one person in her entire life and it hadn’t been a woman, and never just casually either, because you needed it, or it was fun and… people were friendly.

So yes, the idea was known, the way if you saw an alien you would know it was an alien, but you would still have the experience of encountering an alien.

On the upside this clarified the situation, all she needed was confirmation. “So, Emily and her boyfriend, that was who picked her up, right, they’re poly?”

“It was,”Madaline drank beer, “No, not poly, but they're in an open relationship now, they can have sex with other people.”

In a prelude to later psychological tomfoolery, Amber took in this information and her brain flattened Simon down from being her boyfriend into the concept of boyfriend, his relationship with Madaline jammed under a rug, She has a boyfriend… he lets her… he doesn't mind that she… But- Then why-

“You were worried he was going to be upset though and… You told her to call if she had any problems? So...” Amber trailed off, her brow furrowing in authentic concern, her finger rubbing at the table.

“Problems, if he finds out, sure, but nothing extreme,” Madaline crunched the last little bit of a taco, waving her fingers in the air, “Me and some of my people met this guy a couple times already, that’s how he and I got into it a few weeks ago. Em’s right, he’ll be pissed if he finds out it was me, but at worst, he’s going to lose his shit, they’ll argue and staying with him will be…” Madaline rolled her hand.

“Arduous?”

“Yeah, that works, bickering, they'll bicker, and the bickering might become more or less constant, she can’t stay in that. If I was concerned about anything more serious, I wouldn’t have spent last night having fun, and I would have been working a hell of a lot harder to get her out of there faster, instead of letting her work through things in her own time. Intervention, that kind of thing. ”

Amber felt more confused than ever, “Okay… then, why all the… Tamilies?”

Madaline opened her mouth to take a bite, but as she opened her jaws, Amber took a tiny bite of her own taco and that stopped her.

She looked down at her plate then Amber’s, then thought of Amber and Simon at the dinner table each night.

Madaline set the taco down carefully and took a napkin to her fingers, her brain struggling, like she was grasping to remember something that she’d once had, then lost and then at last forgotten, like she’d missed something that had been spitting on her boots, something obvious and of crucial importance.

It was like looking at one of those optical illusions; say an image that was both a duck and a rabbit. Except she couldn’t get things to relax to see the second image, she knew there was a rabbit, but found herself only capable of comprehending the duck.

Madaline shook it off. “Ah sorry, got distracted by a stray thought there, what did you ask, princess?”

“If he’s not going to cause serious problems, why an emergency signal?”

“Right, it’s like I said, tamilies covers a range,” she indicated the bottles of sauce, took the green and started saucing her last taco, “Including say the relationship is breaking down and the boyfriend is being shitty and making staying unbearable; please come pick me up and or help me pack my stuff so I’m not alone… Emily is a knotwe- transplant, and I want her thinking in terms of having easy exits and friends. Trans people… you live one way long enough, you get into patterns, things get stressful, you can forget that you have resources you didn’t used to.”

“That… okay, yeah, that makes a lot of sense, like you don’t think me and my boyfriend are going to have any problems, but you want me to know, because it’s good for me to know? It’s positive. Kind of affirming? Reassuring?”

Madaline rocked her head side to side, “That’s… one way of looking at things. Look, it's just good to have, most people’s houses don’t burn down, but everyone knows the fire department." Women, especially trans women are far more likely to need an escape hatch for a five alarm boyfriend situation then they are to need the fire department, "I want her and you to not only remember the number, but that the fire department is available. I mean, it’s not just boyfriends.” It’s usually boyfriends, it’s boyfriends or husbands or parents, occasionally roommates, never had it used for a girlfriend, but I know it’s happened, Madaline thought.

“Fire department… alright, I understand, but I still don’t get it. If they’re in an open relationship why would he be angry at all?”

“Well,” Madaline laughed, took a bite, swallowed, set her taco aside, “Cis guys, right.” She gave her hands a little clap and said nothing else.

Amber nodded her head and waited.

Madaline said nothing.

Amber waited some more.

Madaline took another bite.

“Okay?” Amber asked.

Madaline swallowed and agreed, “Okay.”

“No… is that it? Just cis guys?”

“Ah, the straight ones, yeah, as my friend Nance likes to say, basicmales be basicmales.”

This was actually only the truncated version of Nance's saying which stood in for the rest. Nance being a woman that could leave many feeling that Madaline and her views, even on her most leaned in day, were in actuality the soft option.

The full statement was always a variation of: Basicmales be basicmales, treat first with caution and screen for the ones who are in denial or don't know what they are, which isn't a basicmale, then screen again for the very few who might be worth something, those that are, consider them to be made of nitro, something useful, but still nitro. For the rest, cuddle up with the second amendment, get a gun and be willing to use it and always be prepared for that second class to become the third.

“I don’t get it,” Amber said.

Madaline sighed and rubbed her palms together. She considered trying to lie, or asking Amber not to ask, but the truth was Madaline didn’t have a good enough reason to try lying to her about this, and she didn’t want to, plus: She’s going to hear it from someone eventually, Rikka said it right in front of her, sneaking into slumming royal’s rooms, not to mention there's-

“Open relationships can have rules, the couples set those rules. If...Henry, that’s her boyfriend, finds out Em and I spent the night together, he might start an argument with her, because the one special limitation was… not.. me.”

“Not you?” Amber asked, her voice skeptical.

“Emily is not supposed to sleep with me, it might even be… she’s not actually supposed to be alone with me. That’s what she said, but it could be hyperbole, but also… basicmales.”

Amber’s head jerked a little, “What… why you?”

Madaline sighed, rubbed her temple, “I have a bit of a… He has a particular impression of me that some guys can sometimes get and so when he- When he found out we’d slept together a couple times-”

“Hold on, if she’s sleeping with you, but they agreed she wouldn't, isn't that still like cheating?”

Unlike Madaline's thought at the WUC Cafe, about preferring all women to be lesbians, here she managed to restrain the simple, but even more incendiary explanation that bubbled up from her brain stem: No, no, no, princess. It's not cheating, she's trans, she's slumming, he’s a basicmale, as a rule basicmales don’t count as cheating.

With that libidinal response avoided, Madaline looked over her options of how to talk about this, how much to talk about, what to talk around, before deciding, Fuck it,

Madaline went ahead, not at all considering the role she was setting off on or the role she might be playing.

3.

“No, it’s not kind of like cheating, Amber, it is cheating. Em is cheating on him with me. Also, that wording, they agreed, is doing a lot of assumption work there.”

“Madaline," Amber's finger scratched once across the table, "That has nothing to do with him being cis or straight, if it’s just infidelity and… you… you’re comfortable with that? With cheating on him?”

Madaline studied her carefully, Amber didn’t seem so much upset, not yet anyway, as she seemed flabbergasted, though she cautioned herself that Amber could be damned tricky to read at times, and Madaline had misjudged her as often as she'd hit the nail on the head, but flabbergasted was a preferable response to this honesty, it gave Madaline a chance to explain or at least try to.

“I’m not cheating on him, Emily is, and yes, I am comfortable with her doing that," Madaline drawled, drank,"Doing me,” she added with a little lackadaisical smirk.

Amber gave her head a little shake, “What about like, I don’t know, respecting their relationship?”

“That’s not my deal, my deal is respecting Emily, if she tells me she’s not interested or no longer interested then I don’t fucking flirt with her, if we end up doing something, which we did, then I have a responsibility to check in on her, make sure she’s doing okay, which also includes if she ends up feeling upset or guilty about what she did,” she waved her phone, “To be short that's not an issue, she doesn't. But, Amber, it is not my responsibility to maintain their relationship, that’s on them, that’s their deal and if Emily wants to violate that... I don’t have a responsibility to protect his feelings and honestly I try to not make a habit of over concerning myself with the feelings of cis men, unless they give me good reason. He hasn’t."

"How well do you know him?"

"Just what Emily has told me, not much, he snores, which I actually don't hold against him, and everything else I know is from the couple times we've run into each other, so not very well."

"Then how can you just... I don't know, just disregard..." she thrust a palm forward in argumentation.

"Mmmm," Madaline drank and swallowed, "Pretty easily," she said in an over the top casualness. Then came the one moment in their back and forth, that Madaline honestly seemed actually frustrated, bottle in hand she jammed her finger at the door, as though to note that the frustration wasn't pointed at Amber herself, "The world already bends its back, breaks it's fucking spine, for the feelings of guys like him. Sun rises and sets based on their bullshit."

Madaline stopped, set her bottle down, cracked a finger on the table edge and took a breath, when she began again her voice was even, board, "It’s Em's body and her time on Earth and therefore in my opinion, her right to sleep with any consenting person she pleases, whenever she pleases, no questions asked," she poured more sauce on her taco.

Amber opened and closed her mouth several times, like a fish that had been thrown on land, "Has he done, you know, something wrong, to deserve it, did he cheat on her?”

Seriously? Serpentine jumped in laughing, I know you know that line of questioning is useless based on what she's already said. Come on, why are you taking it so easy on her, go after the weak spots. Why are you asking the softest questions you could, and if you believe what you're saying, why not actually argue back?

Amber didn't know what Serpentine was talking about, she was not taking it easy on Madaline.

“Not that I know of," Madaline responded. "He's a shitty boyfriend, in the way of not being up to snuff. So that’s an example of one idea that she could get from me that he might not like. Improved standards," she raised the bottle again and toasted Amber. “Though to be honest I'm pretty sure, she didn’t need me to say anything for new standards to get in her head."

With that line Amber’s mind pulled such a treacherous stunt, that left her nipples hard enough to score glass; only in the low lighting of Milo’s did Madaline miss the red tinge to her ears: the image of Emily, now given form as well as voice, under Madaline, legs and arms locked around her, shrieking in bliss.

No, based on evidence, I don't think it was something you needed to verbalize for her, Amber concluded.

"I mean," Madaline sighed, and shook her head, "People get so fucking ridiculous about this shit, they really do, right, you’re not, you're being great about this princess, but people, fuck, and when I say fucking ridiculous, four out of five times I'm not even referring to the person who get's cheated on or ends up hurting cause it happened, right, as I said, I'm not going to save some random cis boys feelings, sorry not sorry, but if the guy feels bad when it happens to him, assuming he's not complete scum... yeah, he has a right to feel how he feels, I guess, long as he doesn't weaponize it."

"Weaponize it?" Amber asked.

"Yeah, the whole hurt nice guy routine, anyway, no, who I really mean, when I say fucking ridiculous is other people, people not involved, people judging, they're the fucking worst. So she has sex with someone else without begging for permission, the only reason any one should go nuclear over that is if someone hurts their partner or their partner is irresponsible and ya know… sexual hygiene is a must in such situations. Which me and Em are both good about.”

Amber was staring at her, a napkin in hand, slowly picking at the edge. "What about, would you, like, one of your friend's girlfriends? One of your female friend's girlfriends? Would you say the same things then?"

"No," Madaline shook her head, "Them I feel a responsibility towards, their my friends, wouldn't do it, plus most of my close friends are-"

"Right, poly, open," Amber nodded slowly. "What about other women? That you're not friends with?"

"Mmmm, if they're not my friends, I feel a little more responsible there, solidarity and all that, but if they are lousy people, sure, but generally..." Madaline laughed, "Amber, it's not like I spend time looking for people in Em's shoes. Happens occasionally... There's some girls that... It's not always-"

For just a moment she faltered, her expression somewhere between irritated and pained, like a wince, then she shook out her hand and went on:

"Most of the people I end up with are out and proud sapphics. I just got... It's a," she waved a hand.

Amber nodded, she was leaning forward in her seat.

Madaline licked her lips, “Really, princess, try to understand, it’s the norm that’s the problem, right, how we get raised, I know what jealousy feels like, crazy jealousy, that's normal, but it's the norm that turns what should be a really bad sting into a 4th degree burn, permanent injury, you care about harm reduction? About fewer people getting hurt when this thing that has been part of human romantic and sexual affairs for a really long time happens... then support hygiene and overturn the norm."

"The norm, you mean monogamy?"

"Welllll," Madaline popped her hands up and down, like a scale, "Here I more mean the idea that cheating is some... mortal sin, that it makes someone a bad person, that it's something to punish. That they deserve to feel bad."

Amber slowly rubbed her wrist. "But, it's not just a norm though or it's not, it's a norm for a good reason?"

"Are you sure, cause they used to burn people that did this, hang em, torture em."

Put an A on their chest, Amber thought.

"Most places today though, it's just seriously frowned on, shamed, but the state doesn't come for your head, doesn't even fine you. They took it off the crime books and the world kept spinning, in fact I'd say the world's better off."

I disagree, Serpentine contributed, Hang Mischief over the fire and let her slow cook the way I did last night.

Amber ignored her. "I guess, yeah, people don't deserve that kind of thing, but still, it's not... right," Amber said, uncertain.

Madaline propped her elbows on the table, tapping her fingers together, then put her arms down, palms open as though offering something to Amber, "Kay, that's good, I'm glad to hear human combustion isn't a proper punishment for cheating, so what about walking around ashamed of it? Allowing other people to shame her? Does it matter if she's falling in love?"

"Is she in love with you?" Amber managed not to snap.

"What- No. But does it matter? Say she was?"

"She- Then she should break up with him. If she wants to sleep around or be with... someone else, why stay?"

"People do it for different reasons, but the fact is some relationships, some beautiful loving relationships, start with cheating, some start right," she pressed her finger into the wood of the table for emphasis, "Here."

Amber's heart beat a little harder in her chest, she laughed a little, "I'm... I'm not saying it's good, but it's cheating. She's supposed to feel a little ashamed."

Madaline licked her lips, "Why? Just cause someone else's heart got broken, their feelings got hurt, that a contract, an unwritten contract, was violated? Plenty of people date around, dating around, not cheating, then they get into a relationship, and hearts get broken. Is that the lovers fault?"

"That's different... it's not fair, you know?"

"Fair?"

"Yeah, fair?"

Madaline looked around, found her nearly empty plate, “If Em platonically ate tacos with me, or someone other than him, nobody bats an eye, so like, if she eats off my plate while I’m showing signs of Sars or something and she gets him sick, sure, that’s a problem, that's unfair, but if you’re good about hygiene, then,” she threw her hands up in air quotes, “Eating tacos, is as safe as it can be 99.9999 percent of the time, so, unless something goes wrong how is it unf-"

"Madaline, tacos aren’t really the same thing, you know, it’s… sex.”

“Yeah, and a boxing match isn’t an elephant… it’s just sex,” Madaline shrugged.

“So.. sex isn’t special at all to you?”

Madaline cocked her head, showing just a little sign of being hurt, “No, of course it's special, so is a sunset, and sharing tacos with you, my favorite anime we’ve watched together is Chainsaw man, that’s special, Dungeon Meshi is special, it was the first one we watched together, it’s all special, sometimes in different ways, but… my point is nobody views sharing those things with somebody other than their partner without a preordained agreement, fucking permission, unfair or problematic or fucking evil... Ah, well, some do, but people are nowhere near as weird about it. ”

“I don’t- You've admitted people's feelings can get hurt, just cause he's- Is that really not important?”

“No, it's not that it's not important, but... getting your feelings hurt is… like I’ve been there for people in that situation, and clearly when they're going through that, I'd never say any of this, that would be a bitch move, but it’s… Getting your feelings hurt sometimes, it’s natural, it’s just,” Madaline sighed, trying to find a way to explain her self, her knuckles knocking on the table, “It’s like, yeah, that shit sucks, but the reality is that’s life... relationships are messy, love is messy, sex is messy… the potential crash is the cost of the high."

Cheating as the natural shadow of a monogamous relationship, or the shadow of relationships in a society where monogamy is so assum- so normalized as to be enforced, well, I mean that actually does make a kind of- Amber thought.

Then Madaline said something that caught Amber even more off guard:

"I’ve had my heart broken before, I've been through that, so I know how that feels, that was the cost of falling in love, of being in love. I'm not saying I expect people to not care, or to behave with total grace at all times, I definitely can't demand that, it hurts, but it's part of it, it happens.”

Who? Who? Even with what you’re saying right now, who in their right mind broke your heart? I don't think I believe you.

Madaline continued, “People have this restrictive image of what these things are supposed to be, life, love, and it’s a chokehold…. Listen… Freshman year right, college, like M- When I met- I met this... girl… and her and my… it was-”

Inside Madaline's head came a sound, a small sound, it was a laugh like three hums from behind the lips, falling in descending steps. It had always made Madaline think of the first few notes of Led Zeppelin's Dazed and Confused played on a piano, G, F#, E#-

Madaline stopped, counted back from five and placed all her focus on Amber, then redirected, “Right, sorry, let me back track that's actually, probably a bad example. of what I'm talking about…” she clicked her tongue, her hands started and stopped several familiar articulations, as though they were uncertain what to do.

“Yeah, alright. Are you okay?” Amber asked. “You seem a little off, all of a sudden?"

“Good. Yeah, I'm good, I'm just," thirsty, so thirsty, "collecting my… my thoughts… look,” Madaline discovered herself over the bar getting another beer, she popped the cap, drank and came back to her seat, drank more, sniffled and ran a napkin under a nose that wasn't running, then after another five seconds seemed to return to normal.

“Think of it from the outside, you and Simon, got together pretty easy sounds like, but you know what it’s like to… being into someone," she gulped beer, it fizzed with an empty threat of foam as she sat it down. She opened and closed her hands, "Longing, right?”

“Sure,” Amber lied, or believed herself to.

"Right, but like, what about, I'm talking about capital L longing, I mean the brutal stuff, the stuff that's on a twelve, six, three, or hourly schedule, part of your day, chews you up, you wait till it's over, then wait till it comes back, drives you crazy. Hurts. When it's happening, when it's real, it's like, unless someone you love actually dies, that's what it feels like, it can feel that bad."

Amber nodded her head in understanding, though in actuality her experience with the loss of someone she'd loved due to mortality, painful as it had been for her, had been limited to a wall mouse she'd taken care of in the second grade that she'd named Matilda. Grief over a person's death and an absence of conscious romantic longing, were two of the few places that Amber had been spared that Madaline had not been.

Madaline nodded back and went on, "So you and Simon, not dating, but you hook up, often enough, regularly, but he's also hooking up with other people too. Then you start catching feelings for him, start getting a crush, it gets more intense, but it's clear he's not interested in taking things further and that means because he's still hooking up with others, you're going to get jealous, get hit with the longing, bad, really bad, hurts like hell. Get me?"

"I'm following, yes."

"Right, so, you keep hooking up with him though, you tell him how you feel, but he just wants to be friends with benefits, so bad idea or not, can't help it, you keep sleeping with him. He keeps sleeping with you and others. In this situation do you have the right to demand that he stops?"

“Well if we were dating-" Amber began.

“You’re not dating though, not in this example. Do you have that right?"

Actually, in your and Simon's case, yes, you totally do, but I'm not letting that derail what I'm saying, Madaline considered.

Amber found a napkin in shreds and put her hands down, “No, I guess I… wouldn’t.”

“Right, because you both own your own bodies. Now, if you two are just hooking up, crush or no crush, longing or no longing, does he have to report if he sleeps with someone else?”

Amber chewed her lip, “No… I guess if he did something risky then he should-”

“Hygiene yeah. It might be good practice to talk about the last time you’ve had sex, but that standard is nowhere near set in stone as it is with cheating. No, it’s like… men don’t get cancelled for a lot of shit, but they definitely don’t get cancelled cause they hooked up with someone and didn’t automatically report their sexual history for the last six months, woman does it while she’s dating the guy and all of a sudden the torches and pitchforks come out. I guess, when it comes to lying about it... I’m not saying it’s never a shitty thing to do, but it's just not a crime against humanity, and yeah lying, lying and getting someone sick, yeah, fair enough, then I agree with the mob opinion, but the truth is the reason people lie about it is because people get crazy about it, especially men. There's so many double standards at play. Taco's again, if I get taco's at Stacey's Cafe instead of Milo's, but my mannnn doesn't like Stacey, and I tell him there from Milo, nobody wants to burn you at the stake for that..."

"Once again tacos aren't the same," Amber insisted.

"Why, if the meat is bad it could get him sick, but no actually you're right, it's not the same, tacos don't come with condoms and preventative measures."

"Okay, but, it's not just men that feel that way, that get cheated on and feel hurt."

Are you even trying to take this conversation seriously? Serpentine laughed. Go on, throw her a few more underhanders.

Madaline waved a hand, "Sorry, yeah, you're right, I'll correct myself, men are the reason we have this stupid fucked up standard, it was made to serve them. I mean personally as long as she's safe, I think Em would've been better off letting him know and dumping his ass right after the first time, but it's not for me to push her or judge." She gently clapped a hand down, blowing out a stream of air, "What I'm saying is people treat people who cheat as monsters, when all that usually gets hurt are feelings, and we accept that as reasonable and it’s not… it’s insane… monogamy’s fine if it’s what you're into… can be beautiful," well not with men, "But to make a person a pariah cause of that… fuck…”

Amber pressed her lips together, “But in a relationship it’s assumed that you-”

“Exactly and I’ll tell you why it’s assumed, it’s cause some two thousand plus years ago, one set of humans decided that the other half had no rights to their bodies or their hearts. Seriously, any justification for us treating this as some prime moral failure went out with condoms and penicillin and whatever shred remains is being put down by drugs like PREP. The risk would be even lower, if we didn’t treat it as a black mark on someone's soul and raise people to dread having to own up to it having happened, that's probably among the reasons Em is still with him. Because in society's standards, the standard relationship build is some sort of automatic property right and it’s a fucking tragedy that Queer people have brought as much of that shit with us into our communities as we have. It’s patriarchy. It's called cheating for a reason, it's all cause someone feels they're getting cheated out of something, which is the inalienable fucking right to a body that isn't theirs. This shit is a blight. Especially when it's just over sex.”

“But like… Madaline…. It’s sex. Sex… is… it’s intimate…”

“I have…” Madaline paused missing a beat, then she flipped her hair, performatively careless, “I have enjoyed several rounds of sex that were anything but intimate,” the performance fell away, “And I’ve had moments with people that weren’t sex, but were intimate enough, that if we catalog what is fucking by intimacy then it might as well have been sex.”

That comment hit both of them, they froze, not catching the other faltering.

Madaline saw Amber reaching out and touching her face, holding Madaline's gaze, speaking softly as a needle went into her arm. Then she saw herself holding Amber as she came undone after telling the story of how she’d been disowned.

Amber’s mind first went to looking up at Madaline, kneeling in the graveyard, she banished the image, her mind replacing it with them sitting on the couch, Madaline feeding her fat sticky noodles from chopsticks, then back to her kneeling, this time on the bathroom floor as she examined the slice in Madaline’s foot.

Madaline shook out her hand, “But hey, that’s just my opinion. I’ve been told I’m full of shit.”

Amber missed this declaration, as her set of images working in concert with Madaline’s argument had succeeded in at last blowing her mental fuse box and it took her a few seconds to reset, when she did she found herself in a strange emotional state she would not have expected:

If someone had asked Amber thirty minutes ago how Madaline saying all of this would make her feel, she probably would have found herself responding along the lines of, “Well Madaline is my best friend and the best person I’ve ever known, but that is admittedly kind of gross, but you know how she can be and everybody has an oddity or two, and eventually she’ll probably grow out of such alarming ideas and she’s probably just leaning in anyway.”

And if anyone asked that was almost certainly what she would still tell them, but sitting here now, having fallen into a pause that allowed her to get a reading of her internal climate, she discovered that the reality of her feelings were totally different, in truth there was no sense of something gross, there was no revulsion, her thoughts were not scrambling the way she would assume they should be by now either, instead she'd slipped into a strange calm, spiked with the low level excitement of restrained curiosity:

That’s not an appropriate way to feel about what she’s telling me? she insisted to herself.

Madaline was waiting, palms together again; Amber had to say something.

“You’re… are you… are you leaning in?” Amber said, carefully.

Madaline’s palms pressed tighter, she shook her head, no.

Amber was tearing a new napkin. "You've thought about this a lot?"

"Mmm, it's kind of all accumulated over time," Madaline drank, found her vape pen, twirled it in her fingers, “It’s… alright to say this bothers you, right. That's cool, but I'm not going to lie to you.”

Amber chewed her lip, trying to figure out what to say, at last words began to leak out, “No, it doesn’t bother me, I don’t… you know, I don’t think I agree,” she stretched the word into an exhale, paused, eyes flickering, “But it doesn’t bother me, either, no. It sounds like this guy is maybe not the best for Emily and you have some good… points.” She swallowed, found her throat dry, drank a little soda, scratched at the table and stopped herself, “No," she reiterated, "It doesn’t bother me. It doesn’t affect… how I feel about…”

She doesn’t feel any responsibility towards Henry and whatever I may tell myself, whatever responsibility she felt towards her brother ended a long time ago and isn’t coming back, Amber thought. It was an odd thought to have right now, in spite of her example, Madaline hadn’t really been talking about Simon. None of this had been about Simon.

Amber suppressed the thought and kept on, “It’s just all… very new… this and polyamory and stuff, you hear about this kind of thing, but it’s… it’s like people meeting, I don’t know, the pope or an alien, you don’t figure you’ll meet the pope or an alien,” Amber laughed , “It’s just not really how things are,” she took a breath, looking for the words she was supposed to say, “It’s not really how things are supposed to work.”

Madaline’s vaporizer went still, she cocked her head a little looking at Amber, green eyes considering, taking a slightly different air, she sucked her lip, blew out a little. “How things are supposed to work?”

“Yeah, you know,” Amber said, feeling her certainty grow.

"You keep coming back to that, actually, how things are supposed to work," Madaline gently slid her plate aside and planted her hands on the surface of the wooden table, “Okay, I’m going to tell you something else, Amber, that I think on some level you already know, but maybe you haven’t really accepted because nobody has given you permission, or you’ve just never heard anyone else really say it, not seriously… it’s kind of like knowing money is fake,” tongue over her lips, “I need you to not tell my brother that I said this to you, he will take it… the wrong way,” she drank beer, her hands went flat again. Not to mention probably everything else I just said, Madaline realized, her brain at last scanning over everything that had just come out of her.

She’d fucked up, one way or another she’d gone too far, she'd wanted to be honest, almost needed to, but she should have been more careful, geared it a little more towards her audience, and her audiences boyfriend, well in that case what could a little further hurt then?

Amber stared into Madaline’s eyes, she reached out, picked up the red sauce bottle and fumbled with it before setting it back down, “Okay, I won’t, I promise, I can’t imagine he’d, you know... He’d misunderstand things,” Amber finished in a declarative, it's for the best way. She kept her concept of her boyfriend flat and the question of how he might interpret things, the ways in which he’d misunderstand, were not something that ever needed to be addressed.

For about three seconds Amber didn’t speak, having expressed all that she’d intended to, but then her mouth opened and six words fell from her lips, her voice leaning imperceptibly towards Serpentine’s vocal domain:

“We could keep it a secret.”

She said it with a friendly smile and a nod, then the words and their origin registered, after that there was no thought process, no deliberation, as soon as she understood that she’d said those six words her mind clicked and refused to recognize what her brain had just used her mouth to do. She had not been saying anything else, she’d only been agreeing to Madaline’s request, there was nothing else to say. She had not without conscious intent quietly said the quiet part out loud.

“Alright, yeah, that’s good, thanks,” Madaline nodded, not comprehending what Amber had just done, she hit her vape, fingers tapped on the counter, deep in thought, “So… Amber, we used to be animals, we still are animals. Right?”

“Sure?” Amber shrugged, her voice nearly a whisper, now rolling the green bottle back and forth on the table, tiny, ultra fine, peach hairs standing at attention on the back of her neck.

Madaline looked away and back, sighed, ran a hand through her hair, “I’m sure… people, your father teachers, and yeah, even Simon either out loud or…” she rolled her hand, "Implicitly, one way or another they told you over and over that there's the way things are supposed to be, the rules, right, and that to get by, to be safe, to be happy, you have to follow them. Yeah?”

Amber’s head bounced on her neck, “Mmmhmm. Yes.”

“Given some of your responses to my opinions, I’m going to assume you kind of believed them?”

Amber’s response was automatic, she didn't actually stop to consider the question, “Yes.”

Madaline knocked her knuckles on the table, she paused, pressing her lips together, then a tiny shrug, "How's that worked out for you?”

Once again an automatic response from Amber, even a smile with a bare glimpse of teeth, “Great.”

“Has it? I don’t mean laws, but I guess the idea of laws being automatically correct is part of it, I mean, how things are supposed to work, bigger rules, the invisible ones especially.”

Amber now thought for a moment, it was a mental experience akin to having your head locked into one direction so you could only see a sign with one answer, but being so used to having it locked there, that you no longer noticed it.

It wasn’t that she was unaware that rules could change or be broken, she’d broken rules, she’d certainly seen Madaline breaking rules, though with Madaline it didn’t feel so much like she broke rules, just that many rules no longer applied, conceptions of the way things are supposed to be either bent or excused themselves at her presence.

What they were really talking about were closer to scriptures. Rules which were truths that were self-evident, so there was no reason really to discuss them, like gravity or how when you were driving you obeyed the traffic signals without thought, except sometimes people didn’t, Amber had certainly broken the speed limit when she’d driven Madaline’s car, but that car was Madaline’s space, so going back to the idea that the rules didn’t really apply to Madaline, but still some rules had to apply to her, gravity still functioned after all and… In any case it wasn’t really about whether or not you could break the rules, for most people just following them was what you needed to do to have a good life, even though… even if…

Has it worked out for me? Amber puzzled.

“Yes?” she found herself answering.

“Right, cause people told you that you were born a boy and therefore you were a boy, that you couldn’t be a girl just because it felt right, it felt better, it felt like you. How you feel doesn’t matter to a lot of people, you were born a guy and therefore you’re a guy.” Her teeth scraped at her lip, “Want to try answering again? Did being a boy make you happy?”

Amber flinched, “Well, there’s… you know, things change.”

“What changed, not trans people, we’ve always been here,” Madaline responded.

Well, no, Amber thought, Not always… like, we’re pretty new as a concept all things considered, okay, yeah, gender deviations and people like dressing up for Shakespeare or women pretending to be men on pirate ships, but that’s not… or… wait… Amber felt confused, just what did Madaline mean by always, always was such a strong word.

And words were a problem, she was struggling even more to find them, not because the concept of the ultimate subjectivity of things was all that difficult to understand, but because of its range. This wasn’t a specific idea to be maneuvered around, like it actually being maybe kind of appropriate behavior to cheat on your boyfriend if you really liked someone, no, it was an entire way of thinking in itself that she’d been semi-indirectly trained to avoid any close consideration of, she’d been trained, that even if the rules were broken, even if the rules weren’t always what people said they were, that didn’t mean the rules didn’t apply, that they weren’t real.

It was like a person looking at a map, but struggling to conceive that there wasn’t really a state of Massachusetts, you could erase the lines that made up the borders, but that area remained in their mind inherently Massachusetts.

“Okay, so, um, there’s exceptions, we learn new things and exceptions get made, rules can involve exceptions,” Amber offered.

Madaline momentarily considered poking at this a little, but instead decided to push forward with her point, “Sure, exceptions, or it’s like that line in the movie about the bankers, it’s all a fugazi, it’s fairy dust, none of it is fucking real, all those rules are made up, it’s all bullshit, just bullshit.”

Madaline inside Amber’s head, ”I like apples and anarchy and you, your name starts with A too. I really like you.”

“I suppose the rules work out for some,” Madaline nipped at her beer, “Fewer than a lot of people think, but that it works out for some, that it works out for those who made the rules and for those the rules were made to work out for, doesn’t change that it’s all bullshit, that they’re not real.”

“Okay,” Amber said slowly, “I guess, I hear what you’re saying.”

“Right, that’s really the thing, so when you embrace that idea, that it’s all an illusion, then you can… if you need to, you can move on, change things, experiment, find ways to live that are actually right for you… That’s it and that’s what matters most.” She was speaking softly, drawling, but she'd put her hands up like a preacher, “That’s all that fucking matters.” Madaline’s hands went back down.

Amber heard her words and found herself picking them apart, starting the process of examining their implications if taken to be true and as she examined them...

It was like she was standing on air, on cold clear air, terribly refreshing, but then below her feet, below that air, was a great expanse of water and poking out of that water was a point of stone, no taller than her ankle, and all she could see was that point, the rest of the object was totally submerged, which made the point throb with an almost ominous energy, because what that point of stone was, was the tip of a mountain and if the water drained away, she didn’t know if she could handle the task of attempting to comprehend something of such scale and mass.

Amber stopped handling the idea, breathed, forcing herself back down to normal.

“That is a.. really interesting… theory,” she gave a light laugh, “You know, I’ll give it some thought.”

“Okay,” Madaline replied, settling back, “You going to eat your food, princess?”

“Um, yeah I'm going to finish this one and I think I’m good,” she smiled.

Milo came back, reentering the conversation, dispelling the tension the philosophical discussion had generated, Madaline might as well have been explaining music to her, but of course she hadn’t been…

Amber stared at the red bottle on the table as they chatted, and somewhere in that flow the impulse hit, she took the bottle once more and unscrewed the cap, tipped a little bit of it on her finger and brought it to her tongue.

“Hey, careful with that, it's really-” Madaline warned.

Amber breathed; sweetness and acidity and heat, so much heat, flowed over her tongue, the warm air from the room sitting in her nose felt chilly, her pours began to yawn, and her synapses sparked to life from the brutal sting.

Madaline raised her eyebrows.

Amber nodded, looked down at the taco and a half she had left, and dabbed a marching line of red, she took a bite, chewing, swallowing, heat blooming through her body like fantastic flowers.

One good moment of impulse deserves another, in fact Madaline didn’t realize it, but what she was watching as Amber ate was the start of a cascade of impulses, which after a few squares along the hop scotch path of causality would lead Amber to asking an uncomfortable question and then not much later following that to them standing in Simon's kitchen with Madaline’s fingers in Amber’s mouth.

However that comes later, less than two weeks, but later, instead the impulse in question, the impulse of the now, and by their nature Amber’s impulses were always about the now, manifested as Amber put her own finger in her mouth, to suck a slick of deep crimson heat, sending her taste buds to crackle in delicious agony, thus she was overcome by the positive thirst to strip out of her clothes, not simply because of the ardent pyre spreading a blaze through her veins, but because that heat made the air on her slightly damp, exposed skin feel so heavenly. She wanted to be able to feel that all over.

Her mind flipped to a blush inducing outfit from her dream, she couldn’t remember the context, something about mirrors, but yes that would be perfect. She wanted that outfit, or else to simply be in her underwear, perhaps such fashion choices were too revealing for this venue and too revealing to ever be appropriate, but then it was perfectly appropriate if one’s only goal was to feel the warm air made cool on their flesh.

In spite of the burn cooler heads, as they say, prevailed, the impulse crashed against a barrier and the barrier held. Which it must be said was probably good for Madaline's health.

“Jeez, does that stuff not hurt your stomach?” Madaline asked with a little grin.

“Um.. No. Sss’really good, tsss hard to talk, urts my tongue a lil,” she said, licking her lips, making them tingle and burn.

“Hooo,” Milo smiled, nudging Madaline, “She’s more hardcore than you. I’ll get you a complimentary milk.”

Amber thanked him and took another bite, the process began again, ramping up, her thoughts lost in a tempest of sensation.

“I didn’t realize you liked spicy or… that spicy?” Madaline said, impressed.

Amber waved a hand at her sizzling tongue, a bead of sweat manifesting just under her hairline, “Umm, guess I do.”

Not long after this exchange Amber discovered that she’d actually cleaned the plate; when she looked over to get one final napkin, she discovered its pristine plain white surface was now marred by a drop of red.

Amber picked the napkin up, examined it, checked her shirt, found it clean and set the napkin aside and took a clean napkin from below.

As she wiped off her fingers, and ran the napkin over the dampness of her forehead, she wondered how that drop of red had gotten there without her noticing, before concluding that it had been, Pure carelessness really.

She studied the red dot for a minute, before putting all the soiled or shredded napkins onto her plate, then stood with Madaline, and gave the napkin one final glance, allowing for a distant observation, just one of a billion inconsequential musings that passed through the corridors of the mind every minute, Huh. It’s so red.

Madaline hugged Milo goodbye as Amber sipped her milk.

He chastised Madaline once more about not coming to see him often enough, she promised to rectify this and to return soon. "Fuck, I'll haul a whole party up here sometime in the next couple of months."

"You'd better."

Milo said goodbye to Amber and gave one final deposit in the Madaline don't steal from the till basket, and then they were on their way.

Amber couldn't help but ask as they headed down the dock to the car, their backs to Milo's, "So... did you?"

"Did I what?"

"Steal from his till when you worked here?"

Madaline threw up her hands, "You too?

"I'm just curious, he seems really insistent... You... don't have to answer and it won't change how I think of you?" Amber said and got a little smile out of Madaline.

"No, I never stole from the till."

Amber nodded.

"One box of girl scout cookies, which I shared, payed for out of the tip jar while he was out and he never lets it go, he's not even mad about it, he just uses it to fuck with me forever."

"How many cookies did he get?"

Madaline paused, Amber could practically see the processing wheel spin over her head, "Two, but they were the smores ones."

Thanks as usual for reading.

NEXT TIME: Marbleporte, featuring designer shades.