After washing, I found a meal waiting for me in my quarters. It was a hearty stew of mana dense meat and root vegetables and the same quick-brew ale to wash it all down. Between bathing and lunch, I had had some time alone to reflect both on my emotions and the words I shared with Fiametta. I gripped my forehead and rubbed it in an effort to soothe the building headache that was coming on.
My emotions were all over the place. I knew that. I was aware of it. I’m watching it happen! I massaged my forehead harder, stopped, took a breath, and went back to the original gentle pace.
Control. That’s the problem. I lack control. The thought felt significant, but also extremely obvious. Of course I lacked control. I was weak, and I was so far out of my depth that I didn’t know if the light I saw was the surface or something reflecting on the water’s floor. Even with the power I would gain from refining my core or improving my ability to fight, I would lack control over my emotions.
Stephanie.
I force myself to remember that it’s only been a couple of days, and it’s natural for me to continue feeling this pain in waves—moments of being fine coupled with moments of falling apart so totally that a woman, a stranger, has to help put me back together. And that brought the final thing I lacked control over. Self control. I hated that letting Fiametta and Ippolita comfort me made me feel so much better. It felt like betrayal. Pull yourself together Jack.
I was interrupted from my self flagellation by a knock on the door.
“Yes?” I asked
“It’s Filippa, Signor Wright. If you have finished eating, then it is time to continue our lessons.”
Right. I took a calming breath to recenter myself. I didn’t need to wear my distress on my sleeve in front of everyone more than I had been already. I stood, walked to the door, and opened it.
“Right, then. Lead the way,” I said and offered Filippa a smile. Her eyes traced over my face and I thought I felt whispers of her mana, but I couldn’t be sure.
“You look like the shower and food agrees with you. Good. We’ll be getting into the history of the city a little bit as we cover some distinctions between the weres, and you’ll need your focus.”
“I’m sorry, but what’s a shower?”
“The metal fixture that dumps rain on you like a rain shower? That would be the shower.”
“That name is… oddly appropriate.”
“Quite. Now then, follow me. We’re heading back to the library, and we’ll be referencing a few books this time,” She said.
“What kinds of books does her majesty have in the library?”
“In this building’s library you mean? Or the library in the palace proper?”
“She has a main library?” I asked.
“You didn’t think she’d keep her main library in the guest house did you?”
“Okay, that’s a good point. Then yes, to your earlier question. In this building’s library, what books are available?”
“Mostly leisure literature, to be honest. Fantasies, epics, romance, collections of poetry. There’s a few philosophical treatises, and of course the histories we’ll be referencing are here as well.”
“That’s… an interesting assortment.”
“Thank you. I stocked it during your first night here.”
“You… stocked it? Yourself? Alone?” I asked, and she gently snorted at me.
“It was no task, Signor Wright. I did it all with mana. The shelves here were empty. I help maintain the main library. I knew where the books I was looking for would be and just brought them here.”
“Well I really appreciate the care. I’ll make a point to read some.”
“Don’t pressure yourself too much. You likely won’t have the time over the next two months.”
It was a good point. From the way today went, I’ll be spending my mornings and afternoons getting lectured by Filippa with some dance lessons thrown in. When we got to the library again, I sat down in the same place I was before, and she started the tea service again. We covered exactly what she said we would: history of the city. A lot of it went in one ear and out the other; it wasn’t because I wasn’t paying attention, but it was very dry information and without the context of having lived down here, a lot of it didn't stick. However, this wouldn’t be the last time we’d cover it. As we were finishing up a quick overview of the Were Civil War, Ippolita came into the Library. Both Filippa and I stood and bowed.
“Your Majesty,” we said in unison.
“Filippa, how is he doing?”
“He is progressing as expected, your majesty.”
“Good, I didn’t know what to expect with surface dances, so I’m glad we won’t have to change our schedule.” She turned to look at me and smiled brightly.
“Carissimo,” she started as she stepped towards me and pulled me into a hug. I was so startled by the sudden show of affection that I didn’t think to stop her from shoving my face into her chest, not that I could have. “I felt your mana’s song this morning.” She loosened the hug so she could grab my cheeks and make me look at her. “It was beautiful. And tragic” Her expression turned down as she said that last part.
“I’m sorry, your majesty, if other people could feel what I was doing. I didn’t understand… well I don’t even understand what I don’t understand.”
“Ah. Yes, your ability to manipulate mana like that. That is actually why I’m here. From now on, your evenings will be with me as I guide you in your mana cultivation. There’s a lot you are missing or lack context for, but that isn’t your fault. I simply thought I had more time before needing to tell you not to do that publicly, but it is fine. The wards of my castle may as well be impenetrable.”
She continued holding my face and looking into my eyes. Enough time had passed after she finished speaking, that I was starting to get uncomfortable and feel awkward. I averted my eyes from her. “Your majesty, this…”
“Oh, right,” she said, letting go of my face. “Come along, Jack. We will be cultivating in the deeper part of the garden. Filippa, please have something dense in mana but easy on the stomach sent to us in a few hours.”
“Of course your majesty,” Filippa said while bowing. Ippolita spun around and walked out of the room. I blinked myself back to the present and followed after her.
She led me through hallways and back outside to the garden. There, she took a few different paths I hadn’t explored yet. She eventually slowed as we entered a part of the garden I hadn’t been in before. The mana was thicker, and it was starting to feel oppressive.
“Relax, don’t resist the mana here. Let it flow into, through, and back out of you. You can worry about capturing and refining the mana later.”
I did as she said, and it got easier to breathe. I could still feel the weight of the mana around me. It was almost viscous, like being in mud but without the resistance. She led me further through an archway, into a massive circle. At the center of the circle was a statue of a warrior queen. Probably a statue of Ippolita herself. From the statue were 7 concentric rings of flower arrangements with stone walkways between each of them. The walk ways, judging by the one closest to me, were wide enough for one person to walk through. There was a path in front of us that cut through the rings directly to the statue. Ippolita began walking down the path and I followed, but after we passed the first ring of flowers, the mana density increased. It was a physical thing.
“Breathe, carissimo. You are fine. You can handle this much. This is your cultivation level after all. Come on, one more ring,” she said as she continued walking. I took a deep breath to steady myself and continued following after her. When she passed the next ring, I paused. I had a feeling I knew what was coming, so I mentally prepared myself and stepped into it. Immediately the mana drove the breath from my lungs. It felt like five people had jumped onto my shoulders, and I stumbled forward one step to catch myself from falling.
“I know it’s heavy for you. You aren’t used to feeling this weight constantly yet, but you are strong. You are my fierce warrior; now step forward!” Her voice thrummed with mana and cut straight to me. I steadied myself, and rose back to full height. Then I stepped forward. The weight of the mana continued pushing in all around me with immense pressure. Teeth clenched and knuckles white, I took another step until I stood beside Ippolita. I felt her fingernails on my scalp trace a soothing pattern.
“Good boy, Jack. I knew you could do it. Now, go down that aisle, sit and cultivate. I must visit my mother.” I glanced up at her quickly. Mother? Of course she had a mother, but with how old she was—or how old I imagined her to be—would her mother still be alive? Well, her mother would be a vampire, so maybe she is still alive. Or maybe it’s the statue, and she just meant she’s paying respects. It does look like Ippolita.
I discarded my thoughts and stepped, slowly, down the aisle between the two flower arrangements. I could feel the mana bearing down on me, but I was gradually getting used to it, like wearing a weight vest for training, I would adapt. I kept walking until a spot to sit caught my attention. I hadn’t been looking for anything in particular, just some place that seemed like it might be comfortable.
I sat down, and in front of my eyes was a wall of yellow blooms. All manner of flowers, most of which I was pretty certain did not naturally have yellow blossoms, were all blooming the most vibrant yellow. I could just barely see the head of the statue from my seated position; it felt as though the statue regarded me momentarily before dismissing me. I closed my eyes, took a deep breath, and opened myself fully to the mana around me. At once, I was rocked backwards. The mana hit me like a physical force. I felt like I was deeply submerged in multiple tonnes of mud.
The mana oozed and thrummed a loud E chord. I could feel the resonance of the tonal mana wrap around me, squeeze my eyes, stuff my nose and ears, and claw its way into my mouth. My entire body was suffused with the mana of E—lower and higher octaves reverberating around me and in me. I had already opened myself, but I was still fighting the mana, afraid of letting it run rampant.
Relax, Jack. Ippolita brought you here for a reason. She knows what she’s doing.
Probably.
I forced myself to relax with another deep breath in and out, slowly trying to relax my posture under the pressure without crumpling.
Relaxed, but strong. Poised, but flexible.
Another deep breath and I stopped wrestling the mana for control. It went rampant, and there was pain—so much pain. I bit back the urge to clench my fists, grit my teeth, or otherwise brace myself. Relaxing myself under the constant pressure, inside and out, from the mana was one thing. Doing it under so much pain was another thing entirely. My skin felt like it was on fire, and the mana inside my body was boiling along my channels, cooking me. I tried to focus on my breathing, shrinking my world down to just my breath. In.
Out.
In.
Out.
I wanted to vibrate my own mana in tune with the mana around me, to harmonize with it, but I remembered Fiametta’s and Filippa’s warning. Instead, I triggered a very tiny pulse of mana in my core in the same key of E that was thrumming inside me. Immediately, the pain stopped. Instead of boiling, it felt like a soothing warmth. My channels that had been ravaged by the mana now thrummed in concert with it. Instead of being inside of a fire that burned me alive and boiled my insides, I was being warmed and healed by it.
I tried to keep my focus on my breathing, but as I started to feel better and more relaxed, my mind wandered. I thought of Stephanie.
Jack.
I could hear her voice. I let myself feel the pain. I needed to work through it. I didn’t want to run from my grief.
You left me, Jack.
Like I ran from her.
Come back to me, Jack.
I could almost feel her near me now. The mana continued to thrum, but I could barely hear it anymore. It was almost like a whisper. Memories flashed by too quick to zero in on anything: moments of laughter, moments of her smile, the shared I-love-yous. They snapped to a memory of her under me, our bodies connected in passion, our breaths keeping time.
Jack, it’s time for you to join me.
I opened my eyes, and there was Stephanie. She was cupping my cheek, wiping away a tear that had fallen during my meditation. My breath caught.
Stephanie. My Stephanie.
Yes, Jack, I’m here. Come with me.
She looked exactly how I remembered her. The blue dress split on the sides showing her white underskirt with puffy shoulders and wide sleeves, it was torn and dirty. Her honey blonde hair was covered in dirt and caked in blood, her face pale and smattered with dried mud and blood. The normal comfort I could find in the rich gold of her eyes wasn’t there. Instead there was a manic threat of danger. Her smile was so wide I thought it would split her face.
“Join me, Jack!” Stephanie screamed.
Then she was gone and there was only blackness and silence. I suddenly became aware of everything that had faded away when Stephanie… I opened my eyes for real this time. Ippolita was gripping my wrist, and in my hand was my engagement dagger for Stephanie, the blade up against my throat. There was fury and concern warring on her face. There were tears streaming down mine. She let out a breath that she seemed to have been holding, and with it went the fury leaving only the concern.
“Quella stronza,” she cursed under her breath. “You have a heart demon, likely from seeing Stephanie as a Risen, but it’s possible Vittoria gave you a gift before Fiametta was able to spirit you away. You will have to deal with it before you can breakthrough or you’ll be risking death. Or worse, a mana corruption that no one can fix.”
I had no words. What could I possibly say to that? I closed my eyes and turned my head from her. I summoned the dagger back into my ring, so she let my wrist go.
“I’m sorry, Jack,” she said.
After several beats, I finally found my voice. “How do I overcome a heart demon? I barely understand what one is.”
“You will have to resolve your feelings, your guilt.”
Rage consumed me. I turned to her ready to say… well I didn’t know what, but it wouldn’t matter. Her pained expression took the fight out of me. She cared. I could see she cared.
“I will do what I can to help, but there isn’t much I can do. This is your journey, your path, your concerto,” she said.
I turned away and nodded, but I could only give her silence. She knelt down next to me, cupped my cheek and turned me to face her.
“You are not alone, Jack. You will never be alone. You have a home here. In this palace if you want it or anywhere else in my city. If you need to change cities, I’ll help with that, too, but of course I hope you’ll choose to stay. We cannot be replacements for what you’ve lost, but we can be something new for you to find.” She leaned forward and kissed my forehead.
“It’s not your fault, Jack.” She stood and walked away. “Don’t stay too long. You’re not ready to resolve it tonight. I’m suppressing the mana of the gardens until tomorrow. Filippa has brought food to your room. Go. Eat and rest. We will try again tomorrow evening.”