13
After fainting in the front hall of the pharmacy bureau, Ruan An seemed to have had a long, oppressive dream.
Yet she knew that these scenes were not illusory dreams, but real past experiences she had personally lived through—her entire previous life.
In the dream, she found herself in the Autumn Solstice Palace Compound—
This place, even the vermilion palace walls exuded an air of decay and desolation. During the rainy season, the blue stone slabs were thick with a heavy, musty, damp smell.
Ruan An’s hands were immersed in bone-chillingly cold water. Her once fair, slender, jade-like hands were now covered with calluses and frostbite, unsightly to behold.
But the owner of these weather-beaten hands felt no pain, had even grown numb to the cold of the icy water. Ruan An’s eyes could no longer see clearly; everywhere she looked was a blur of overlapping shadows.
She gave a cold, bitter laugh, feeling that her eyes were not far from going completely blind.
With a “crash—”
The wooden tub in front of Ruan An was kicked apart by someone. Dirty, murky water splashed all over her. Then a sharp, piercing scolding suddenly came to her ears: “You old wretch! Is this a place for you to stay? Get the hell away from here, now!”
Ruan An rose expressionlessly, without making a sound, as if long accustomed to such abuse. She discerned the blurry shape of the tub and picked it up.
“You undead old wretch! Ugly freak! Just looking at your scar-covered face makes me feel unlucky!”
The head matron of the palace laundry compound continued to hurl insults at her. Ruan An, turning her back to the sunlight, found another spot to continue washing clothes, narrowing her eyes slightly and laughing bitterly to herself: “Heh, old thing…”
Her voice carried the hoarse, murky quality of an elderly person, every word seeming to emanate the withered, decaying breath from the bottom of a deep well.
Who would know that she was barely thirty years old this year, yet had already transformed into a gaunt, withered old woman?
Six years ago, believing Huo Pingxiao had died in battle on the frontier, she had brought her young son to the capital, hoping to have him acknowledge his paternal family.
At that time, she had just settled in Chang’an, had not yet obtained her travel permit, and while inquiring about shops in the alleys, she had encountered a legitimate daughter of the He family and helped cure her of pockmarks and sores.
Her son Ruan Xi had been just over three years old then. Children grow quickly, and the clothes she had brought from Jiazhou had become too short. So, after visiting the pharmacy bureau that day, she had taken her son to a fabric shop to have several new outfits made for him.
Unexpectedly, as soon as they entered the shop, several young women with hostile expressions appeared. Ruan An and Ruan Xi were simply dressed and clearly not natives of Chang’an, but rather people who had come from out of town seeking travel permits.
When Ruan An and Ruan Xi had lived in Jiazhou, their neighbors had been warm and friendly, and the local customs were simple and honest. She had never encountered such snobbish people before. They immediately began to hurl insults and humiliations at her and her son.
That day was also the first time she met the soon-to-be crown prince’s consort, the prospective future empress—Li Shuying.
Li Shuying was beautiful, with a warm and friendly demeanor. She helped the mother and son out of that predicament, and Ruan An felt immediate fondness for this aristocratic young lady.
What she didn’t know was that all of it was a trap set by Li Shuying.
She remembered that on that very day, Li Shuying invited her to the Li mansion to treat her mother. In truth, Li Shuying did this merely to test the extent of Ruan An’s medical skills.
That day, Li Shuying tearfully poured out her heart to her: “Once you enter the palace, life is as deep as the sea. I only hope to have someone like my wet nurse, Zhou Mama, by my side.”
Li Shuying warmly and earnestly took her hand and invited her to become a female official in the Eastern Palace, promising her a generous salary.
Ruan An felt that this path might be the quickest way for her to remain in Chang’an.
What she didn’t know was that after she agreed to Li Shuying’s request, her nightmare had only just begun.
—”Nanny Ruan, the Empress is looking for you. Come with me.”
The voice of the eunuch from the Fengyi Palace pulled Ruan An from her thoughts. As he spoke, his expression could not hide his disgust.
People from the Western Inner Imperial Garden hated coming to the Autumn Solstice Palace Compound, considering it the filthiest and most despicable place.
Yet Ruan An was the most peculiar presence in that compound. She had to do menial labor there while also frequently going to the Western Inner Imperial Garden to be at the beck and call of Empress Li Shuying.
She rose from the wooden tub and followed the eunuch in silence through the long Eternal Lane, heading toward the inner court of the Western Inner Imperial Garden with its magnificent palaces and halls.
Flashes of words Li Shuying had once said to her crossed her mind: “Do you know, I hate that hypocritical act of yours the most. What kind of high-and-mighty act are you still putting on here? You couldn’t even protect your own son, yet you still cling to your medical ethics? I kept you here to work for me, not to heal people!”
Ruan An was a physician. She could not follow Li Shuying’s malicious schemes and use her medical skills to harm others. Over the years, her relationship with Li Shuying was like two trapped beasts locked in a cage, constantly battling each other.
She refused to use her skills to harm people, yet Li Shuying needed her beauty-preserving formulas. Li Shuying also suffered from persistent nightmares and headaches and could not do without Ruan An’s medical expertise.
It turned out that even after committing every evil imaginable, one still couldn’t sleep.
At first, Li Shuying hated Ruan An’s stubbornness. She ordered someone to pour muting poison down her throat, rendering her mute.
Later, after the Crown Prince ascended the throne, he discovered Ruan An’s true appearance and nearly assaulted her. Li Shuying stopped him just in time, but she hated Ruan An even more for it. At that time, she was locked in a power struggle with a Noble Consort. To vent her fury, Li Shuying personally took a dagger and slashed Ruan An’s face, cut after cut.
Ruan An was not submissive to Li Shuying out of fear, but because Ruan Xi’s life was held in Li Shuying’s hands. To protect her child, she had no choice but to continue treating Li Shuying’s illnesses and allow the women of the palace laundry compound to humiliate her as they pleased.
Yet as a physician, watching countless innocent, living lives perish in the intrigues and deceptions of this corrupt court, forced to turn a blind eye and refuse to save them—
For her, that was like a knife piercing her heart, more agonizing than death itself.
Beyond the Eternal Lane, separated by a single palace wall, lay the Outer Court where the Grand Ultimate Hall stood. It happened to be the hour when court officials were leaving the morning assembly, and there was a faint bustle beyond the red wall.
—”This servant greets the Grand Marshal.”
Upon hearing the words “Grand Marshal,” Ruan An suddenly halted in her steps. Through the latticed windows of the mottled palace wall, a tall, cold, imposing figure flashed vaguely before her eyes—it was Huo Pingxiao.
Even without seeing him clearly, she could feel the noble and distinguished aura emanating from him, befitting a duke of the realm. Huo Pingxiao, not yet thirty, had already risen to the position of Grand Marshal, ranking above the Three Excellencies. The Emperor, wary of his power, had ostensibly granted him the Nine Bestowments and a fief, intending to make him a prince, but in truth, he sought to diminish his authority.
That year, she and everyone else had believed he had died in battle. But he had not.
She watched his figure recede into the dazzling sunlight, while she stood in the shadow of these deep, secluded palace walls, unable to leave the inner court. She bit her lip.
She did not dare to see him.
On one hand, her voice was hoarse and her face was hideous.
On the other hand, she knew Li Shuying’s heart was vicious and venomous. If Li Shuying ever learned that Ruan Xi was Huo Pingxiao’s son, her child’s situation would only become more perilous.
The dream suddenly shifted.
Ruan An found herself again on the day of the coup in her previous life. She used every ounce of her strength to sprint along the palace avenues, fleeing alongside the Empress and the other palace residents.
After Crown Prince Xiao Chong ascended the throne as emperor, he was lascivious and dissolute, too muddleheaded to attend to state affairs.
And though Li Shuying sat firmly in the position of Empress, she had long been estranged from the Emperor. So, when the gates of Chang’an were breached by the rebel army, the Emperor abandoned her in the inner palace and fled without her.
The leader of the rebel forces bellowed, “The venomous Empress Li Shuying is over there! Go after her quickly! Capture the venomous Empress Li Shuying alive!!!”
Li Shuying’s face was pale with panic, having lost all the dignified bearing of an empress. Her own life was hanging by a thread, yet she still insisted on taking the female officials of the Fengyi Palace and Ruan An with her as she fled.
Her son Ruan Xi’s whereabouts were still held in this woman’s hands. Ruan An had no choice but to flee with her.
The imperial guards of the inner court were still putting up a desperate resistance, and the royal imperial guards loyal to the Great Li dynasty were escorting and protecting the Empress’s safety.
But the rebel forces were ferocious and overwhelming. Their archers had long been lurking stealthily on the ridges of the palace halls.
At the command, ten thousand arrows were loosed simultaneously.
In an instant, the vast palace was as if shrouded by hundreds of millions of locusts. The sky in all four directions turned dark and overcast, the oppressive feeling intense.
“Swish, swish—” came several sounds.
Sharp arrows flew toward Li Shuying. The imperial guards nearby, quick of eye and deft of hand, shouted “Protect the Empress!” and then shoved Ruan An violently outward—
Ruan An’s pupils contracted sharply. That sharp, piercing arrow struck her slender back squarely, stopping just inches away from her heart.
Li Shuying and the other palace attendants had already fled far away. Ruan An, bleeding profusely, lay in agonizing pain on her back on the cold palace ground.
She still had a faint, shallow breath left, but by her own assessment, within half an hour, she would die from excessive blood loss.
But even after her blood drained dry and she crossed the Yellow Springs, she still could not find release, because she did not know where her son Ruan Xi was.
The rebel forces passed by her side. They did not indiscriminately slaughter innocent palace attendants. As long as these people chose to surrender to the new ruler, the rebels would spare their lives.
If Li Shuying hadn’t threatened her with her child and forced her to flee along with her, perhaps Ruan An would not have died so soon.
A fierce wind, thick with the heavy scent of blood, suddenly rose from the flat ground. Ruan An’s consciousness grew dim, hovering in a state between life and death.
Suddenly, she heard ten thousand soldiers chanting in unison: “Long live His Majesty—”
Huo Pingxiao had successfully usurped the throne. He had overthrown this dynasty and become the new emperor.
Ruan An coughed painfully, and more blood spilled from the corners of her lips.
No one knew how much time had passed. Then she suddenly felt someone lift her from the ground. His arms were solid and strong, but she could not see the man’s face.
She only sensed that the scent emanating from him carried the faint, warm intensity of amber, mixed with a heavy odor of blood. This scent was exceptionally familiar to her. She also heard the cool, ringing sound of imperial tassels striking against each other.
“Miss Ruan…”
Years unseen, the man’s voice had become mature and deep.
—It was Huo Pingxiao.
Ruan An recognized him. She struggled to lift her eyelids and look at him.
But by then she was already blind. Only large patches of dim, faded shadows flickered before her eyes.
She very much wanted to raise her hand to cover her hideous face, but she could not move even a single finger.
“Summon the imperial physicians immediately!”
The emperor, who had just ascended the throne, spoke urgently, his voice filled with anxiety.
Enduring the intense pain, Ruan An wanted to speak to him, but only spat out a mouthful of blood.
“Conserve your strength first. The imperial physicians will arrive soon. After you’ve recovered, you can speak with me. You are my benefactor. I will not let you die.”
When he spoke again, Huo Pingxiao’s voice trembled slightly.
But Ruan An knew that her injuries were likely beyond the help of medicine.
She would not live much longer.
Before dying, aside from the matter of her son Ruan Xi, she wanted to tell him one more thing.
Something she had never dared to mention to anyone. Only with death approaching did she finally find the courage.
She wanted very much to tell him that she had loved him for a long, long time, and had even borne him a son.
But reason had not yet left her. She knew that she could probably only say one thing.
Ruan An tried her best to open her mouth, attempting to form the shape for the word “son.”
But before she could make a sound, she suddenly felt her soul and consciousness seized by invisible hands, forcibly torn from her body.
In an instant, Ruan An’s soul hovered in mid-air, overlooking the entire forbidden palace from a new perspective—
She saw the imperial physician shake his head and let out a sigh.
She saw the young man she had once secretly loved in the past, now a majestic emperor, remove his blood-stained outer robe and gently cover her face and body, closing her eyes.
The illusion had not yet ended. Her consciousness lingered.
Ruan An thought that if she were given another chance to choose again, she would never bring her child to this Chang’an City.
If she hadn’t made this wrong decision from the very beginning, none of these calamities would have happened.
This matter of having Ruan Xi acknowledge his paternal family had been her own wishful thinking from the start. And Huo Pingxiao had never died in battle six years ago.
“Xi’er…”
Ruan An murmured her son’s name, her heart still filled with regret and sorrow.
Then suddenly, a child’s young, worried voice brushed past her ear: “Mama~ You’ve slept for so long. Why aren’t you getting up yet?”
It was Xi’er’s voice!
Her Xi’er was still by her side!
Awakening from the great dream, Ruan An suddenly opened her eyes.
She saw that she was in the small residence that Li Yifang had provided for her and her son to live in.
She sat up and saw Ruan Xi standing safely before her. Finally, large drops of tears, beyond her control, streamed from her eyes like gushing springs.
In Ruan Xi’s memory, he had never seen his mother cry so bitterly before. He quickly reached out with his soft, chubby little hand, stood on tiptoe, and carefully wiped Ruan An’s tears.
The child’s eyes were clear, his understanding heart achingly mature. He mimicked Ruan An’s usual tone and coaxed her in his babyish voice: “Mama, did you have a nightmare about little ghosts? Don’t be afraid. Xi’er will help chase them away.”
Overwhelmed with the joy of having recovered what was once lost, Ruan An pulled her child into her arms and sobbed uncontrollably.
Heaven had granted her a chance to be reborn.
Because of this, she had fainted in the pharmacy bureau and had not been deceived by Li Shuying’s maidservant, Liuli.
Nor had she taken Ruan Xi with her to the Grand Tutor’s mansion, thereby embarking on a path of no return.
She and Ruan Xi had narrowly escaped disaster. Everything could still be remedied.
She needed to take her child and flee Chang’an as quickly as possible, giving no one another opportunity to harm them.
“Bang, bang, bang—”
Suddenly, urgent knocking came from outside the courtyard. Ruan An’s thoughts were still immersed in the joy of her rebirth, but her eyes immediately became alert.
She signaled Ruan Xi to be quiet. Ruan Xi looked up at her and obediently nodded.
Hearing no response from inside, Li Yifang said anxiously, “Elderly one, are you there? My mother has suddenly fallen critically ill. Please come with me at once.”
It was already past curfew. After Li Yifang’s mother fell ill, he couldn’t find a physician. Remembering that Ruan An knew medicine, and that her condition had stabilized after he had sent her back to this small courtyard from the pharmacy bureau, he had rushed here without delay.
Through the crack in the door, he could clearly see a faint candlelight in the main hall, indicating that someone should be inside.
Hearing that the visitor was Li Yifang, Ruan An slightly let down her guard. She was about to quickly disguise herself as an old woman again, but he could not wait any longer.
With a “crash,” Li Yifang kicked the main door open. His handsome brows were furrowed with anxiety. He was about to apologize to Ruan An for his abruptness when he stepped into the main hall—but there was no sign of the traveling physician Elder Ruan.
Instead, beneath the hazy moonlight, a beautiful woman with jade-like skin and black hair was protecting the young child in her arms, standing before him with a guarded expression.
This beautiful woman had fair skin and red lips, her brows and eyes delicate, pure, and soft. She possessed an extraordinary, stunning appearance—clearly endowed with sweet, gentle, and innocent features, yet her tear-filled eyes held a cold resentment and unwillingness.
Such a gentle, weak temperament, contrasted with that resentful, stubborn gaze, created a striking, shattered beauty that easily stirred a protective instinct in others.
In that instant, Li Yifang’s heart felt as if struck by her gaze. He also guessed her true identity.
So, the traveling physician Elder Ruan from Jiannan Circuit had been disguising herself as an old woman all along while practicing medicine.
**