I’m not sure what I did to anger god or the universe. Maybe I was a real prick in my last life, because every few years, someone uploads a new problem with my body. I patch one bug, but after a while, another ships. It’s like god is a lazy programmer who keeps sending in shitty code. Whatever the reality of it is, this body’s been falling apart since it was created.
Life hasn’t been all bad. A benefit of being stuck in hospital beds is that I get to read and watch TV a lot. I’ve enjoyed countless stories, and to fall asleep at night, I let my imagination run wild, changing these stories to include myself as a hero or villain.
But tonight there are no rewrites. My chest feels tight, my head feels heavy, and the hospital lights are brighter than the sun. Hopefully, I can pass out soon and have a fun dream. That said, I’m pretty dizzy; it almost feels like I’m falling. Ok, I’m definitely falling. What the HELL WAHHHHH!
***
WAHHHHHHHHH, oh, I’m done falling.
I’m warm, like I’m in a heated blanket, and nothing hurts. I haven’t felt this good in ages, but everything is dark. Maybe I fell out of my hospital bed and died? Meh, I’m pretty comfortable wherever I am right now, but it’d be cool to look around.
I focus my vision, but the darkness is kinda... still super dark. My eyes are heavy. Maybe they’re not open all the way? I muster my strength and POP!
JESUS FUCK! It’s bright - got it, I just had my eyes closed; they’ll adjust to the light in a minute. I blink over and over until my eyes can convey information beyond discomfort. Tall windows are facing me - natural light; I like it. There's wooden furniture too. It’s a bit fancy for my liking, but I’d say it’s well-made. I turn my eyes up and find a FUCKING GIANT GLOWING WOMAN!
I made a lot of jokes about going to hell or god having it out for me, but it’s jarring to see I was right. She’s a beautiful glowing giant with long dark hair that’s so black it’s almost purple. Dark eyes, symmetrical face, glossy lips - giant rack. I suppose a giant would have a giant rack, but my goodness. Maybe god took some pity on me; there are worse things to be eaten by.
She turns and smiles at something across the room, but I can’t manage to follow. I’m wrapped in a giant tortilla, and it’s locking my neck in place. I move my eyes around to compensate, but there’s some kind of fog. Damn, it must be steam from whatever she’s going to cook me in. Past the fog, where she’s looking, there’s a second giant. A man.
Sigh, I could accept a beautiful giant woman with a voluptuous bosom using me for sustenance. But a man? I don’t like it. He walks over to me with a crumpled face.
Look at this bastard; he’s crying tears of joy for the meal he’s about to eat. Don’t get me wrong, a proper steak can make the best of us wispy, but this adds insult to injury. He brings his hand down toward me. Is he going to drop me into a stew? No, he’s rubbing my cheek? This mother fucker is seasoning me...
I get to be a meal, a fitting hell for someone who spent their life caged like livestock. But I’m not going down so easily. I wouldn't mind being delicious for Miss Milk, but for this guy and his receding hairline, I’m going to make a mess of things.
Ultimate suicide move: self-de-feces. I bear down, and pUSHHH! HA! I shit my tortilla.
How’s that big guy? Do I still look delectable?
His tears stop flowing, and a frown forms on his face. HA, I ruined the meal. Suck my dick, you half-bald.
No, no! He’s picking me up. Where are you taking me, asshole? He sets me on something hard. Don’t tell me this is a cutting board...
He reaches for my wrap and tugs. Balls, I’m going to get flayed.
He picks my feet up; I close my eyes and relax my breathing. I’ve been through plenty of pain - how bad can a kitchen knife be?
I wait for slicing pain, but all that comes is a soft caress. Is he wiping my ass?
Free of the tortilla, I can squirm enough to look down - my arms are small but chubby, and my hands are tiny, but they glow. Just like half-bald and my dark-haired Milk Princess.
I look to my sides, the tortilla I was in... it’s actually a blanket? So maybe I’m not food; I might’ve been reborn as a baby giant.
***
I’m groggy. And what happened to the glowing giant with hair deficiency? Maybe I passed out from the shock. It’s dark again, but I can see a little. The Milk Maiden is holding me and staring at me intently. One problem: I’m fucking starving.
I can’t talk, and I can barely move, but I can reach her. I poke repeatedly, at the cost of every bit of strength in this little body.
She dips her head down towards me and - kisses my forehead. Thanks, but I need you to pop the cork and feed me. Maybe if I try grabbing on, she’ll understand?
I activate every muscle fiber available to me and crunch forward. I reach with my arm and grab a fistful of chest.
Alright, lady, are we on the same page now?
She tilts her head like a dog meeting a vacuum cleaner. I must be her first kid, the experimental child. I hang on like I’m at a cliff’s edge, and open my mouth.
“AHHHHHHHH.”
Her head tilts further.
C’mon, you’ve got gallons of milk right next to me; surely you see what I’m getting at here. She puts me down and starts undoing her robe. We might be in business! Now pick me up and bring me to that massive spout of nutrition you have on your chest. Up I go, and I’m on.
I remember cats do the biscuit-kneading thing to get milk flowing, so I do the same and add a touch of suction, and - there it is. Warm milk.
Maybe it’s because I’m in a baby body, but this is delicious. Less weird than expected, too.
Ahh, this is a nice vintage. My apologies for the rudeness to your husband, ma’am. Clearly he’s provided you with a nice environment if you’re able to make something so delectable.
***
Two weeks in hell, and the service isn’t bad.
But holy fuck me, I’m bored. I’m used to my body being a prison, but at least I had anime in the hospital. Can’t walk, can’t talk, and turning my head only works half the time. I just observe, and think up lines for the giants.
OH! Here one comes.
A woman near my mother in height, with brown hair down to her shoulders, similarly colored eyes, and a pale complexion. The other ones garble something that sounds like Shayna when she’s around, and her clothing is unmistakably that of a maid.
She reaches into my crib and picks me up, but there’s a special glint in her eye.
‘Young Master, the front line collapsed, and they need your glowing power.’
‘Shayna, they will have it. Take me to battle!!!’
I rock in her arms as we move down the hall toward the armory. Shayna swings a heavy door open, revealing... the half-bald. I was just getting into it too.
She bounces me in her arms a bit more before handing me off, but she shakes something loose. Oh god. Something is wrong in my plumbing. Half-bald takes me in his arms, and I bear down on the clawed beast tearing through my abdomen.
“WAHHH!”
Half-bald startles and shakes me in the process. God damn piece of shit Father. That’s making it worse!
“WAHHHHHHHHHH!”
There’s a war crime happening inside of me. Do something, baldy! I’ll give you great lines!
Sweat forms on his forehead, and the glowing in his body shifts.
‘My son! I will exorcise the demon inside of you!’
‘Do it! Now, Father!’
He raises one hand.
Glowing energy leaks from his fingertips, and coalesces into a ball, then ignites. Fireballs shoot into the air as his murderous aura rea-
Wait wait wait. That motherfucker really shot fireballs out of his hand. Is this glowing stuff some kind of magic?
“WAHHH!”
The beast! A lapse in concentration allowed it to move! GAH! PUSHHHHH!!
I pooped.
But magic... hell is looking better and better.
***
By the time Mother allows me to sleep without bindings, in a bed of my own, I’ve decided something important.
Hell or not, I’m making the most of this.
Baby stretch!
Baby roll!
Baby sit-up!
Every morning until my noodle-like body goes limp. And when Shayna’s footsteps run thin, and light escapes my eyes at night...
Brain stuff!
Meditation!
Namaste!!
Nah, that’s not me. I lie flat on my back in my crib. The only light is what’s coming off my body. The stuff that makes fireballs...
My eyes close, and I focus on that energy. I move it through my body, and feel every bit of my composition. Bones, connective tissue, nerves, muscles, and major organs. I run it through everything except my skin, and it feels good; then my eyes open.
But what in the fuck is this fog everywhere? I flail my barely movable baby arms at it, then press my magic towards it, but they slip past each other.
I don’t have control over it, and Father’s magic didn’t seem to interact with it. Whatever, once I’m the strongest baby on the planet, I’ll figure it out.