I have been held captive by a terrifying number of hostile organizations across my various lifetimes.
Biological cults.
Underground crime syndicates.
Rogue military factions.
But the Paradis Island Military Police were, mathematically speaking, the absolute least impressive of them all.
I was currently kneeling on the hard stone floor of the Premier’s central courtroom.
My wrists were bound in heavy iron shackles, chained directly to a thick steel pole driven into the bedrock.
Right next to me, Eren was chained to an identical pole.
He was vibrating with suppressed rage, glaring daggers at the surrounding guards.
My unified mind was completely ignoring the guards.
I was busy dismantling the structural integrity of the courtroom.
‘Load-bearing pillars located at the four corners of the chamber,’ my Peter Parker intellect calculated effortlessly.
‘The vaulted ceiling is constructed of unreinforced limestone.
The mortar is decaying due to localized humidity.’
‘If I applied precisely four pounds of explosive kinetic force to the eastern pillar, the entire roof would collapse and crush everyone in the room.’
It was a highly comforting thought.
My Leon S.
Kennedy combat programming was simultaneously mapping the exits.
‘Three egress routes.
Fourteen armed hostiles.
Standard-issue flintlock rifles.
Firing mechanisms are poorly maintained.
Reload time is approximately fifteen seconds.’
‘I could cross the room, disarm the commander, and defenestrate him through the stained-glass window in exactly 3.2 seconds.’
I let out a quiet, heavily depressed sigh.
I wasn’t going to defenestrate anyone.
I was just going to sit here and endure the bureaucratic nightmare.
“The tribunal will now commence!” a loud voice echoed through the chamber.
The heavy oak doors at the back of the room swung open.
Premier Darius Zackly walked in, taking his seat at the massive judge’s podium overlooking the courtroom.
He was an old, bearded man who looked like he thoroughly enjoyed watching people squirm.
To our left stood the Military Police Brigade, led by Commander Nile Dok.
They looked arrogant, impeccably clean, and completely unbothered by the reality of the Titan threat.
To our right stood the Survey Corps.
Commander Erwin Smith stood tall, projecting absolute, unwavering authority.
Captain Levi stood slightly behind him, leaning against the wall, looking like he actively wanted to murder everyone in the room.
I completely understood his perspective.
“Eren Yeager.
Kai Yeager,” Premier Zackly began, peering down his glasses at us.
“You are both sworn soldiers of the military.
Yet, an unprecedented biological anomaly surrounds your existence.”
“This tribunal will decide which branch of the military assumes custody of you.”
“And subsequently, whether you live or die.”
Zackly turned his gaze to the Military Police.
“Commander Dok.
Proceed.”
Nile Dok stepped forward, adjusting his bolo tie with a smug, self-important expression.
“The Military Police propose immediate execution for Eren Yeager,” Dok stated clearly.
“And a thorough, invasive medical dissection of his twin brother, Kai Yeager.”
I blinked slowly, my deadpan expression remaining entirely unbroken.
“Well, that escalated with terrifying velocity,” I noted aloud.
The courtroom went completely silent.
Dozens of Military Police officers glared at me.
“Silence, prisoner!” a guard barked, stepping forward to press the barrel of his rifle against the back of my head.
My Leon instincts practically laughed at the threat.
‘Rifle barrel is cold.
Finger is completely off the trigger guard.
He lacks the psychological intent to fire.’
“I am merely pointing out a flaw in your logical pipeline, Commander,” I continued, completely ignoring the gun against my skull.
“You want to dissect me.
A fascinating proposition.”
“But mathematically speaking, I am composed of the exact same biological material as every other cadet in this room.”
“If you are looking for Titan biology, you are barking up the wrong genetic tree.”
“I just happen to be incredibly good at physics.”
Nile Dok’s face flushed with anger.
“You killed three Titans in an enclosed space without ODM gear!” Dok yelled.
“Our analysts concluded that such a feat is physically impossible for a normal human!”
“Your analysts are severely under-educated in the fundamental laws of kinetic leverage,” I shot back, my Parker snark bleeding entirely through my filter.
“If you aim for the hamstrings, gravity does exactly eighty percent of the work.”
“It’s not my fault the Military Police rely on brute force instead of basic geometry.”
Levi let out a short, sharp snort of amusement from the other side of the room.
Erwin smiled faintly, his eyes gleaming.
“Enough!” Premier Zackly slammed his gavel.
“The Military Police’s stance is noted.
What does the Survey Corps propose?”
Erwin Smith stepped forward, his heavy boots echoing on the polished stone floor.
“The Survey Corps proposes full, unrestricted custody of both Yeager brothers,” Erwin announced.
“We intend to utilize Eren’s Titan capabilities to plug the breached gate in Shiganshina and reclaim Wall Maria.”
“And Kai Yeager?” Zackly asked, raising an eyebrow.
“Kai Yeager will be assigned to Captain Levi’s Special Operations Squad,” Erwin replied smoothly.
“As both a combat asset and our primary logistical engineer.”
Before Zackly could respond, the heavy wooden doors of the spectator balcony burst open.
A bald, frantic man in a religious robe stormed to the railing.
It was Pastor Nick of the Wall Cult.
“Blasphemy!” Pastor Nick shrieked, pointing a trembling finger down at me and Eren.
“These boys are demons!
They have defiled the sacred Walls!”
“The Walls are a gift from God!
They must not be touched!
They must not be altered!
Execute them immediately!”
I closed my eyes, a sharp, violent migraine forming directly behind my temples.
The sheer, unadulterated stupidity of this timeline was physically painful.
I mentally opened my Gacha Survival System interface.
I had earned exactly two Exchange Tickets from the minor skirmishes on the wall yesterday.
‘System.
Multi-pull.
I need an analgesic.
Now.’
The digital slot machine spun in the darkness of my mind.
It clicked twice.
Two solid white lights flashed.
‘[Congratulations!
Host has pulled [Common] Tier Rewards!]’
‘[Item Acquired: Industrial Blueprint – High-Efficiency ODM Gas Regulator.]’
‘[Item Acquired: Bottle of 500mg Ibuprofen (Standard Analgesic).]’
A small, rattling plastic pill bottle materialized directly into the palm of my chained left hand.
I popped the child-proof cap off with my thumb.
I tossed two white pills into my mouth and swallowed them dry, entirely ignoring the screaming priest above me.
“Is the prisoner eating something?!” Nile Dok demanded, pointing at me.
“I am self-medicating to prevent a stress-induced aneurysm, Commander,” I deadpanned.
“The acoustic frequency of that priest’s voice is actively destroying my inner ear.”
Pastor Nick turned his furious, bulging eyes toward me.
“You dare mock the sacred Walls, you demon?!”
“I mock your complete lack of thermodynamic understanding, Pastor,” I countered, the ibuprofen taking the edge off my headache.
“The Walls are constructed of anomalous biological hardening material, yes.”
“But they are entirely exposed to the elements.
They undergo thermal expansion in the summer and contraction in the winter.”
“If they were a flawless, divine gift, they wouldn’t possess micro-fractures along the northern masonry.”
“You are worshipping a highly inefficient load-bearing structure.”
The entire courtroom stared at me in stunned, absolute silence.
No one had ever spoken to the Wall Cult like that.
They either feared them or appeased them.
No one had ever just coldly, clinically insulted their architecture.
“He’s insane,” a Military Police officer whispered in the back row.
“Shut up, Kai!” Eren suddenly yelled, completely losing his temper.
Eren thrashed violently against his heavy chains.
He glared up at Pastor Nick, then at Nile Dok, his green eyes burning with pure, unadulterated hatred.
“You’re all cowards!” Eren roared, his voice echoing off the vaulted ceiling.
“You sit in here, behind your safe walls, arguing about politics!”
“You haven’t seen them!
You haven’t seen what the Titans do!”
“If you’re too afraid to fight for your own lives, then just shut up and put all your faith in me!”
The courtroom erupted into total chaos.
The Military Police officers panicked.
Dozens of them raised their flintlock rifles, aiming them directly at Eren’s head.
“He’s a monster!
Shoot him!” someone screamed.
My threat-assessment radar pinged massively.
I dropped my center of gravity, preparing to rip the steel pole out of the bedrock and use it as a blunt-force weapon.
I could kill the four closest guards before they even pulled their triggers.
But I didn’t have to.
Captain Levi moved.
He didn’t walk.
He practically teleported across the courtroom floor.
He crossed the thirty-foot gap in a fraction of a second.
He didn’t draw his blades.
He simply leaped into the air, driving his heavy, steel-reinforced boot directly into Eren’s face.
CRACK.
The sound of shattering teeth echoed like a gunshot.
Eren’s head snapped violently to the side.
He spat a mouthful of blood and a molar onto the polished stone floor.
Levi landed gracefully, instantly delivering a brutal, mathematically perfect kick to Eren’s ribs.
Eren gasped, his breath entirely knocked out of his lungs.
He slumped against the steel pole, coughing up blood.
The Military Police slowly lowered their rifles, completely stunned by the sudden, extreme violence.
My Leon S.
Kennedy programming instantly analyzed Levi’s strikes.
‘Velocity: high.
Impact: localized.
Damage: superficial.’
‘He pulled the kick at the exact last millisecond.’
‘He intentionally avoided the jaw hinge and the floating ribs.’
‘He is not attempting to kill the target.
He is attempting to establish total physical dominance to appease the court.’
My Parker intellect immediately understood the political strategy.
If the Military Police saw that Levi could effortlessly beat the monster into submission, they would no longer fear the monster.
They would just fear Levi.
Levi grabbed Eren by the hair, hauling his bloody face up to look at the silent courtroom.
“This is a personal opinion,” Levi said coldly, his grey eyes sweeping over the terrified Military Police.
“But I believe pain is the most effective tool for discipline.”
“You don’t need to be educated with words.
You need to be trained like a dog.”
Levi raised his boot, completely preparing to deliver another devastating kick to my brother’s face.
I let out a slow, heavy sigh.
I couldn’t just sit here and let him turn Eren into a bloody pulp, even if it was for his own good.
“Captain,” I said.
My voice wasn’t loud, but it cut through the silence of the courtroom like a razor blade.
Levi stopped.
He slowly turned his head, his cold grey eyes locking onto me.
“What?” Levi asked softly.
“His dental deductible is already astronomical,” I deadpanned, staring right back at humanity’s strongest soldier.
“If you shatter his maxilla, his regenerative capabilities will require an immense caloric intake to repair the bone.”
“I am the one who has to source his food.”
“I kindly request that you stop increasing my logistical workload.”
Levi stared at me.
He looked at my completely unbothered, deadpan expression.
He looked at the iron chains binding my wrists.
Then, he lowered his boot.
He let go of Eren’s hair.
Levi stepped over Eren’s coughing form and walked slowly, deliberately, until he was standing exactly two inches from my face.
I didn’t flinch.
I didn’t blink.
I simply looked up at him, my Leon persona projecting absolute, unwavering apathy.
“You have a lot of nerve, brat,” Levi murmured, his voice dropping to a dangerous, lethal whisper.
“I’ve killed men for looking at me with half the disrespect you’re showing right now.”
“I assure you, Captain, my disrespect is entirely egalitarian,” I replied smoothly.
“I dislike everyone in this room equally.”
Levi’s eye twitched.
For a fraction of a second, I thought he was going to kick my teeth in too.
But then, the corner of his mouth curled into a tiny, almost imperceptible smirk.
He turned his back to me and looked up at Premier Zackly.
“The Survey Corps will take them,” Levi announced flatly.
“I will take personal responsibility for both of them.”
“If the Titan loses control, I will kill him.”
“If the mechanic gets annoying, I will break his fingers.”
Premier Zackly looked at the bloody, beaten form of Eren.
He looked at the furious, but entirely silenced Military Police.
Then he looked at me.
Zackly banged his heavy wooden gavel against the podium.
“The decision is final!” Zackly declared.
“Custody of Eren and Kai Yeager is hereby awarded to the Survey Corps!”
“This tribunal is dismissed!”
The tension in the room instantly evaporated, leaving behind a heavy, exhausted atmosphere.
The Military Police grumbled, slowly filing out of the courtroom.
Erwin Smith walked down from the podium, pulling a brass key from his pocket.
He unlocked Eren’s chains first.
Eren slumped forward, coughing heavily, holding his bruised ribs.
Erwin then walked over to me and unlocked my shackles.
I stood up slowly, rubbing my wrists.
“Welcome to the Survey Corps, Kai,” Erwin smiled.
“Your terms have been approved.
You will have your workshop.”
“Excellent,” I muttered, dusting off my pants.
“Now, if you will excuse me, I am going to locate a horizontal surface and remain unconscious for a minimum of fourteen hours.”
“Not yet, you’re not,” a wildly enthusiastic voice echoed from the doorway.
I turned around.
Standing in the entrance of the courtroom was a tall woman with wildly unkempt brown hair and thick goggles.
She was vibrating with an intense, terrifying level of manic energy.
It was Section Commander Hange Zoe.
“I saw the reports!” Hange squealed, practically sprinting across the courtroom toward me.
“You modified the standard-issue ODM gas regulators!
You installed custom copper coils!”
“You increased the kinetic yield by forty percent without destabilizing the gyroscopes!”
She grabbed me by the shoulders, her face mere inches from mine, her eyes wide with absolute obsession.
“How did you do it?!
What is the mathematical formula for the pressure displacement?!”
My Peter Parker intellect immediately recognized a fellow chaotic scientist.
My Leon Kennedy instincts immediately recognized a severe psychological threat.
“Personal space is a fundamental human right, Section Commander,” I deadpanned, gently but firmly removing her hands from my shoulders.
“And the formula is a closely guarded trade secret involving synthetic lubrication and copious amounts of silver tape.”
Hange gasped, her eyes shining like stars.
“Tape?!
You manipulated thermodynamic physics with tape?!”
“I’m in love.
Erwin, I’m taking him to my lab right now.”
“Negative,” I stated, taking a deliberate step backward.
“I explicitly negotiated for a private workshop.
I do not collaborate.
I do not share my WD-40.”
Levi walked past us, grabbing Eren by the collar of his jacket and hauling him toward the exit.
“Leave the brat alone, Hange,” Levi muttered.
“We’re moving them to the old scout headquarters castle.
They need to be secured.”
“A castle?” I asked, my ears perking up slightly.
“Does this castle possess adequate plumbing and heavy oak doors?”
“It’s a decrepit, dust-filled ruin,” Levi replied flatly, looking back at me.
“You’re going to spend the first three days scrubbing the floors.”
I stopped walking.
I looked at the Gacha interface glowing faintly in my mind.
I had blueprints.
I had infinite coffee.
I had a super-genius intellect and the combat reflexes of a special agent.
But I was still, fundamentally, at the absolute mercy of a tyrannical, clean-freak Captain.
“I retract my previous statement, Premier Zackly,” I called out to the empty judge’s podium.
“I would like to apply for the Military Police dissection.”
Levi grabbed the back of my jacket, dragging me forcefully out of the courtroom.
“Shut up and walk, brat.”
I sighed heavily as I was dragged down the polished stone hallway.
The apocalypse was exhausting.
But working for Captain Levi was going to be a completely different level of hell.