I never stop wondering when exactly my existence took shape.
Was I like this from the moment I was born? Did I become this way after I was born? Or was it decided even before I was born that I would turn out this way?
Was it fate? Was it a chance? Or am I caught in a vortex created by someone else?
I’ve spent hundreds of years pondering such trivial matters.
I’ve always felt a sense of distrust toward my own existence.
A life that’s too perfect, events that are too perfect, an ending that’s too perfect.
Dramatic, yet comical, yet tragic—and yet, incredibly boring.
It feels like I’ve been soaking in lukewarm water for a long, long time.
Everyone around me seems to be enjoying life as a matter of course, yet I alone have been left behind.
The feeling of being cast out from the world.
No, perhaps “society” is a better word than “world”?
I’ve lived my whole life feeling this sense of dissonance, of being out of place.
You could call it that “game-like” feeling.
Everyone around me sees their life as their own, never giving a second thought to the possibility that it might be a fiction.
But I’m different.
I can’t shake the feeling that this is all just happening on a screen, and that somewhere out there, someone is holding a controller.
I have no dreams, no hopes, no romance, no love, no kindness, no aspirations, no ideals. All of that has been completely obliterated and hardened by a sense of nothingness.
That’s just how reincarnation into another world goes.
It’s like a real-life sword-and-sorcery fantasy. I’m in a woman’s body now, but in my past life, I was probably—most likely—just an ordinary young man.
As someone born into this existence, I gained power.
I even acted like a boy and got excited sometimes.
But so what?
Not everyone can shine like a novel’s protagonist. Not everyone can adapt.
My ending is who I am right now.
When you actually look at it, aren’t there more people like me, just rotting away?
It’s really pathetic.
It’s my second chance at life, and all I do is repeat this same line of questioning.
Boring.
Pathetic.
It’s too perfect—it’s ridiculous.
If there really is such a thing as a soul, and we’re reincarnated carrying over our memories and traits, then why me?
Why me, of all people—someone who’s neither special nor anything else?
Well, I was born into this world and enjoyed myself for about fifteen or sixteen years.
I lived through a grand epic and adventure—a mix of comedy and tragedy, with laughter and tears.
But even the best stories are bound to cast a shadow at some point.
Seeing a world that was just too perfect, I lost my enthusiasm right away.
I easily gave up on this world that was just too convenient.
No matter what I accomplished, I’d think to myself:
“There’s no way things could be this convenient,” right?
I wish it had just been burnout.
If I were just suffering because I had nothing to do.
But, as it turned out, it wasn’t that simple.
After living for a hundred years, no matter what I did, I stopped feeling anything.
This world is too convenient.
This world is boring.
That’s all I started thinking about.
I’ve been living on autopilot.
For hundreds of years, just on and on.
But I can’t say I’ve just been existing.
Sure, if I did nothing, I’d be no different from a pebble by the roadside, just existing.
But, well, I’ve done all sorts of things.
I’ve been alive for hundreds of years, after all.
Just like a named character in a game or novel, I’ve really done it all.
Many of them are what you’d call “crimes.”
Despite being a great sinner, I can’t bring myself to think of it as wrong.
Unfeeling, lifeless, worthless.
Even the taste of sin was tasteless to me.
That’s worse than just existing.
Here I am, unable to shake off that sickening feeling, just living on autopilot.
Just enduring, stuck in self-loathing and a sense of nothingness.
That kind of empty existence is incredibly boring.
So I fill it with questions.
About the meaning of my existence, or what I’m supposed to do.
Endless questions with no answers, for hundreds of years.
The reason my questions never run out is that I edit them myself, so they never do.
If I didn’t, it would just be too painful.
I’ve ended up thinking about some pretty distant, long-winded, philosophical stuff, but that’s just my nature.
This has gotten a bit too long, so I’ll wrap it up simply in three lines.
I’m bored with life.
I’m tormented by a sense of emptiness.
Reality is always dramatic and fishy.
Okay, that’s it.
I’ve rambled on, but this is all I keep hidden in my heart.
You could say this is all there is to me.
What am I living for?
Even though I’ve been given a longer lifespan than others, I still don’t know.
“Our goal is a long and arduous journey.”
All I ever do is worry.
I wander aimlessly, longing to see a place different from reality.
Escaping reality has become so natural that if I stay silent for a while, it just happens on its own.
Covering my ears is easy, and closing my eyes is even easier.
I can easily treat it as if it doesn’t exist.
It’s just my survival strategy for getting through a life that’s longer than most.
Don’t call me pathetic.
I’m living my life while worrying about all sorts of things, too.
“The five ‘walls’ that stand in the way of this world. Let’s destroy every last one of those distant, thick, and high ‘walls.’”
It’s always been like that, you know.
I just go with the flow. While I’m lost in thought, I end up in strange places.
It’s only natural for water to flow from high to low. And I’m just like a twig being carried along by that current.
It’s inevitable that I’ll be swept up in that flow and take action.
That was just the way the script was written.
I’ll follow my fate and act without emotion.
It’s like an accident—or rather, a natural disaster.
My actions are bound to have some impact. In some cases, people might even die. But hey, there’s no reason not to do it.
“Let us become the world’s enemy. Let us defy the world now.”
To me, basically, everything in this world is like a game.
Whatever happens, it doesn’t matter.
It’s no different from a system created by zeros and ones.
I don’t care about any of it.
It’s surprising, but I have absolutely no interest in the people of this world.
Even if I don’t want to think that way, I’ve come to see the world as just that.
This perception is probably something I’ll never be able to shake off for the rest of my life.
“The military, the nation—none of that matters. Our opponent is the world itself.”
Yeah, I really don’t care.
No matter what anyone does, no matter what they try to make me do.
So, you know? Seriously, really, come on?
“Is everyone prepared to make the world their enemy?”
I’ve experienced just about every form of entertainment myself.
My favorite is video games, but I’ve also devoured manga and light novels to the point of being saturated with them.
Ah, did I change the subject too abruptly?
Haha, well, how should I put it, you know?
The situation is, well, you know.
Ah, this is bad. I have to make sure my face doesn’t twitch.
I mustn’t look at reality.
…………
Anyway, getting back to the point, I don’t care about anything that happens in this world.
Everything is rigged, and everything is being manipulated.
When you think about it that way, doesn’t everything—emotions like awe, anger, resentment, or joy—just become meaningless?
What’s pointless is pointless. What can’t be helped can’t be helped.
No matter what I feel, everything is tasteless and odorless. Every event looks faded.
I’m a good-for-nothing.
Everyone else is probably living their lives with all their might.
But I can’t help thinking there’s an ulterior motive behind everything. I end up thinking those who live so earnestly are pathetic. I naturally look down on them and despise them.
Since I have a certain amount of power, whenever I act, it creates ripples. I end up crushing those who are just living their best lives—like trampling on sprouts that are simply there.
If I were God, I wouldn’t let a guy like this be born.
Honestly, since I have no purpose at all, I’m a total handful.
But even so, I have my pride.
Even without ideology, even without ideals.
“Fifth Angel, ‘Holy King,’ I have no objection.”
I’m not just a destroyer.
If it’s a sin committed for someone else’s sake, surely there’s a will behind it.
Well, it’s better to entrust things to the one manipulating me than to someone like me who feels nothing. It’s far better than me using my own power.
This is what I must do.
I want to believe that. I want to feel that I should do it.
Yeah, that’s why I can’t see a guy like that.
There’s no such thing as a suspicious-looking, slender guy with narrow eyes, dressed in a pure white priest’s robe.
I don’t know anyone like that.
“Fourth, the Apostle ‘Endless.’ No objections.”
Living is hard, isn’t it?
I’d like to live freely, without a care in the world, too.
I’m too busy to do that right now, but I’d at least like to be that way in the next life.
Well, I might end up in hell, though.
No, wait—is hell just an extension of the present?
Just moving around as that thing pleases, inside a miniature world someone else set up.
Nothing ever changes, does it?
I guess my twisted, rotten nature won’t change no matter where I go…
Yeah, that’s why I can’t see him.
I’m making sure not to look, after all.
I can’t see some suspicious stranger wrapped in a shabby, pitch-black, tattered robe whose face I can barely make out.
I don’t know anyone like that.
“Third Apostle, ‘Return.’ No objections.”
Man, I’m running out of things to say.
I guess even my ultimate skill—escapism—has its limits.
Ah, maybe I should think about something fun?
Oh, wait—there’s nothing fun. I’ve only ever experienced a shitty reality that’s tasteless, odorless, and devoid of any sense of reality.
Well then, maybe I’ll just idly reminisce about my past life?
Ah, I barely remember anything. How am I supposed to cling to memories that have long since eroded into dust?
Ah, I can’t see him!
I can’t see a red-haired guy with the right half of his face made of machinery who clearly looks like a hothead!
“Second Apostle, ‘Spirit Lord,’ as the Leader desires.”
Seriously, this “nowhere” space is seriously creepy, isn’t it?
I mean, well, I don’t need to beat around the bush—it’s so unnatural I can’t stop getting goosebumps.
Oh, and I’ve been ignoring it this whole time, but this round table looks expensive.
I wonder where they bought it?
Is it the Leader’s personal property? Well, it does seem like his kind of thing.
Yeah, I’m looking somewhere else right now.
I’m averting my gaze.
So, I can’t see her.
I can’t see a woman who looks like a sheltered young lady, wearing a translucent, pure-white veil.
There’s no way I’d put up with an existence that’s a contradiction in itself, defying the laws of this world!
I think this every time, but these guys are seriously too monstrous!
They’re getting more and more dangerous every time I see them!
Ah, no, I don’t know. I’ve never seen anyone like this before!
“…………”
“First Apostle. Make your declaration.”
Aaah, aaah, aaah, I can’t hear you!
I don’t know anything, I don’t understand.
I mean, how did this even happen?
Since when did I start belonging to such a suspicious group?
That’s why I hate reality!
I want to go home! Even though I don’t have a home.
“……First Apostle?”
“You, cut it out already, will you?”
Ugh, shut up!
Everything in this world is just a hollow facade on a texture, after all.
So getting angry over it is just stupid.
Everything in this world is equally worthless.
If possible, I’d like you to realize that.
To be specific, stop picking fights with me every time we meet.
“Our mission isn’t some half-assed endeavor. But we have to see it through no matter what. Even if it means turning the whole world against us. This is a meeting, isn’t it?”
“…………”
“We’ve got important work ahead of us, you know? This gathering is a crucial ritual to reaffirm our resolve! And yet you ignore it every single time! As a high-ranking member of the organization, show your loyalty to the Leader!”
Shut up! I don’t care!
This is such a pain in the ass, maybe I should just knock him out?
“Hahaha, it’s fine, Lios.”
I can’t help but glare at them.
I know I don’t get along with these guys, so why do they keep dragging me along every single time?
Decision-making? Testing my resolve? It’s ridiculous. It’s so ridiculous I’m speechless.
Whether that stuff exists or not, it doesn’t make a difference.
It all comes down to ability and luck. Instead of wasting time talking about resolve, spend more time training yourself.
You know my temperament all too well, yet here you are, dragging me out in front of these guys.
At least give me a heads-up beforehand.
“Leader…”
"This child is rather stubborn. She cannot be as straightforward as you all. However, the fact that she is one of our comrades will never waver."
Heh—look at them, getting scolded!
Just stay quiet already, you idiot!
Go on, keep talking. Kick this dumb delinquent out of here already!
"Leader… I humbly submit that I agree with ‘Return,’ my lord. She is an eyesore, a nuisance. She should be expelled."
"I also agree. I acknowledge the First Apostle’s strength, but she is far too capricious. If we overlook excessive freedom, the organization will eventually fall apart, won’t it?"
Who do these idiots think they are, acting so high and mighty?
Seriously, don’t they hate me just a little too much?
Did I do something to them?
"Yes… perhaps that is so."
"Then…"
"However, this child has her role to play. Her existence is indispensable to our purpose. All three of you understand that, don’t you?"
The three of them fell silent.
Well, of course.
Even if they find my existence annoying, they’ll ultimately have to rely on me. How ridiculous.
So, just—can you guys shut up already?
Don’t talk to me. Don’t look at me. Don’t get involved.
How many times have we gone through this exact exchange? Seriously.
"Do your best. All of you apostles are in the same position. There is no hierarchy. I believe I have already explained this."
"We have heard that, Leader, but—"
Shut up already!
That’s an order from the Master you worship!
And I’ll say it again—you all really hate me way too much!
"But—"
"It’s fine. This child could never betray me, not even if the heavens themselves split apart."
Damn it!
Just shut up already, idiot.
Showing loyalty to the Leader? That’s a complete waste of time.
There’s no way I would ever disobey him. None whatsoever.
"I understand that an important mission is upcoming and tempers are high. But please, rest assured."
"…Understood."
Honestly.
They talk all high and mighty, yet nothing ever goes smoothly.
Stop acting so important.
It’s been two hundred years, and still no progress.
"……!"
"……"
They’re glaring at me?
Did they realize I was completely taunting them in my head?
Ah, look at those veins popping. Perfect. I could just… use this chance to beat them up a little—
"Stop."
The air grows heavy.
Just a single word can change everything.
……
Well, whatever.
I don’t care if this person gets on my nerves.
"Now then, shall we continue?"
Better follow the Leader’s instructions.
Can’t be helped.
Better to just go along with him.
"Ain. You swear you will continue to follow me faithfully, right?"
"……"
I nod.
No point in arguing further.
Though I haven’t actually said a word.
And seriously, why keep using my real name when you’ve already made me a codename?
Seems pointless.
I’ve even used the codename he gave me, just a little, but…
"Now then, everyone, do your best."
"Yes!"
"……"
The other four departed through the doors they came from.
Since these doors lead to this ‘nowhere’ space, they can connect to anywhere in reality.
I don’t even know where each leads.
Finally, we’re alone.
Why do they have to bring extra people?
I don’t want more than one person within ten meters of me.
Seriously, I wish he’d consider that.
"Ain. When will you ever get along with everyone?"
"I have no intention of ever doing so."
Huh? What's with the sigh?
What’s there to be exasperated about me?
Hey, I swear I’ll smack you if you keep this up.
"I don’t want to deal with them. They’re all disgusting, every last one of them. I don’t want to get along with anyone."
"…Please don’t say that."
"More importantly, I’m full of doubts about our current situation."
My head’s starting to hurt.
Stop tilting your head like that.
Why don’t you get it?
"When did it… come to this?"
"…What do you mean?"
"When exactly did we become such a stereotypical evil organization?"
The Leader just tilted his head at my genuine question.
That's not funny, damn it.