Reader, get to work!
That's riiiiight. I'm feeling lazy today, so I'm putting your imagination to work. Well, it's not like I was there or anything. Whatever.
Anyway, I'm getting ahead of myself, and you're probably thinking, What the heck is this girl talking about? Am I right?
Allow me to paint the scene.
There's this Ministry official lady, person, thingy... flying to Hogwarts on her broom or whatever. She's probably one of those sad sacks. You know, the drab government types who wear all grey, have grey hair, grey glasses, and...
You know what? Screw all that noise!
Hell yeah. Let's make her pink! Pink cloak, pink dress suit, the whole shebang. She's gotta be cute, too. Ooooh, I know! Let's give her a total cat fetish. Cat pendant, cat jewellery, everything. Heck, her broom probably has cats on it.
So, she's flying along, right?
Then, BOOM! Death Eaters!
Then...
Paw! Paw! Paw!
Magic! Explosions! And she's all like...
‘Oh no, I'm dying! WAAAAHH!’ She flails her arms as she plummets into the Forbidden Forest.
Oh, and then, erm... a troll shows up, ready to stomp her into the ground. No, wait! A giant! One eye, buck teeth, the works. He's got a... a club. A spiky club, which he raises high above his head.
And she's all like...
‘Noooo!’ She holds up a hand, and the giant totally crushes her with his club.
Yep. Lock it in. Because that's how it happened.
Now, reader, come closer. Yep, just a little closer, because I have a warning for you. If you dare ask, ‘What the hell is she talking about?’ I'll curse you for the rest of your days.
Now... back to the scene. Enjoy!
So, it's the first day of classes, and I'm bored.
Yep. First class of the day, and it's Defence Against the Dark Arts. The teacher? Apparently, she hasn't bothered to show up, so we're all sitting here looking like a bunch of weirdos.
I glance at Harry and the Pot-heads huddled in the corner, chattering away. I'm sure they're planning something.
Whatever. They're beneath me.
‘She worked for the Ministry, apparently,’ Georgia whispered.
‘Deloris Umbridge? Doesn't sound very Ministry-like,’ Victetta said, shaking her head.
They continued whispering. Worse, they were sitting on either side of me, trapping me in a whisper sandwich.
A vein twitched in my forehead.
‘You know we can talk normally, right? There's no professor here. You don't need to whisper!’ I snapped.
The classroom fell silent.
‘She's right!’ Seamus said with a nod.
Soon, the room filled with chatter. I pulled out my diary and began scribbling.
‘Yes, go on. Talk.’
I froze.
That voice hadn't come from my mouth.
I looked up to see a witch in tattered black robes striding into the classroom. A wide-brimmed hat sat on her head, trinkets dangling from its brim.
Wait. Were those bones and mouse skulls?
She moved among the students, unnoticed.
‘Ha ha ha! You're so funny, Harry!’ the woman laughed.
Except she sounded exactly like Ronald Weasley.
‘WHOA!’ Ron exclaimed.
‘What is it, Ron?’ the witch asked in Harry's voice.
Harry noticed her and did a double take.
‘What is it, guys?’ Hermione's voice came from the witch's mouth.
Hermione let out a squeak. I suppressed a snort.
The witch strode towards the centre of the classroom, giving me a proper look at her.
She had pale skin and looked about twenty, but her silver hair made her seem much older.
‘Silence in my classroom!’ she declared, thrusting out her hands.
A thunderclap shook the room.
Suddenly, everyone could see her.
Students cried out in alarm. Victetta squealed, then continued screaming for several seconds after the room had fallen silent. Finally, she clamped a hand over her mouth.
I face-palmed.
‘I am Professor Evandra Plum, and I will be your Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher.’ Professor Plum smiled.
‘Good morning, Professor!’ the class chorused.
Plum's smile faded.
‘Now, regarding decorum, I expect my classroom to remain orderly and my students to remain quiet.’
Everyone fell silent. A few students glanced in my direction.
I shrank back.
‘Tell me, class. Who decided that you could start talking as though this were some sort of frivolous social gathering?’ Plum demanded, surveying the room.
Students looked from me to her.
Oh no!
OH NO!
Girl, stay calm. She wasn't here when it happened. She has no evidence.
Right? RIGHT?!
Plum looked directly at me.
I raised my nose and turned away as though the question were beneath my notice. Then I nudged Victetta.
The girl gulped before slowly raising her hand.
‘It... it was me, Professor.’ Victetta held up her hand.
Plum muttered something so quickly that I couldn't make it out. She whipped out her wand, and a green bolt struck Victetta.
The giant girl gagged. Her tongue swelled, turning green as it lolled from her mouth.
‘Agh... agh!’ Victetta clawed at her tongue.
‘Sit down, and let that be a lesson to the rest of you. Silence in my classroom, before and after class,’ Plum ordered.
We all nodded vigorously.
I was in the library collecting books on Potions.
Yes, I know. Servant work.
Unfortunately, Georgia had taken Victetta to the hospital wing, which meant I had to carry my own books.
Oh, the indignity!
It's fine. I'm totally fine. It's only a minor inconvenience.
I sighed, waved my wand, and summoned the books. They floated towards me and stacked themselves neatly in my arms.
I turned around and slammed straight into someone.
We both tumbled to the floor.
‘Oh, sorry,’ a boy said.
I blinked and sat back.
Then I realised I was lying on top of Harry Potter.
The chief Pot-head and I had made physical contact!
I needed a shower!
I could practically smell the Muggle on him.
‘Sorry again.’ He adjusted his glasses and looked away.
I remained frozen, clutching my books to my chest.
Why was my heart racing like this? What was wrong with me?!
Move, girl. MOVE!
‘Ahhh... you're slightly... hurting... me...’ Harry grimaced.
Yep. As if the humiliation weren't bad enough, I'd planted a knee against his groin.
‘Disgusting!’ I snapped.
I scrambled to my feet and dusted myself off.
Harry groaned as he stood, then adjusted his glasses.
‘Why are you like this?’ he asked.
‘Excuse me?’ I covered my mouth.
‘You always bully your friends into taking the blame for you. Why?’
He knelt to gather his books, then collected mine and held them out to me.
‘I don't answer to you!’ I snatched my books and hugged them to my chest.
‘Sorry. I just think... maybe you should treat them better.’ He shrugged and turned to leave.
‘OI!’ I snapped.
What are you doing, girl?! Let him go!
I couldn't be seen talking to HIM!
‘Yeah?’ Harry turned back, pushing his glasses up his nose.
I froze.
Like, totally FROZE!
Now? Of all times?!
‘What?’ he asked.
‘You're dismissed.’ I waved him away and raised my nose.
WHAT WAS THAT?!
He looked confused, then walked away.
I returned to my desk and collapsed onto it.
What was wrong with me? Why did I feel like this?
No matter. I had to study.
I flipped open a book and began taking notes in my workbook.
Some time later, a bird made of paper landed on my desk.
I ignored it.
The robin-shaped creation chirped and hopped onto my book.
‘Away!’ I shooed it off.
It jumped onto my pen, gripping it with its tiny talons, and chirped again.
‘Fine.’ I sighed and tapped it with my wand.
The bird unfolded into a sheet of parchment.
‘Miss Malfoid, meet me in the observatory at midnight tonight. Come alon—’
I rolled my eyes.
‘Incendio.’
I tapped the parchment with my wand.
It burst into flames. I brushed the ashes off my workbook and returned to my studies.
Boys!
Of all the things I had to deal with, now I had boys sending me secret invitations.
Whatever. They could go to hell.
Totally zero interest in boys!
Yep. NONE!
Weeks later, I awoke to find a paper bird perched at the foot of my bed. It gripped the bed rail and chirped until I woke up.
Nearby, Georgia stirred and blinked at the creature.
‘Robin-mail?’ she asked sleepily, sitting up.
‘Nope. Ash.’
I tapped the bird with my wand, and it burst into flames.
‘You're not even going to read it?’ Georgia asked as the message turned to ash.
‘I'm not interested in secret admirers.’ I got up and headed for the bathroom.
At breakfast, I found another piece of robin-mail waiting for me.
One flick of my wand sent it flying into the fireplace.
I arrived at Astrology class to find another waiting for me.
I blasted it into confetti.
The girls' bathroom?
Yep. Another one there, too.
‘Eeew!’ I exclaimed, blowing the thing to pieces.
I wiped my wand on my cloak before slipping it back into its holster.
‘Maybe you should find out what he wants so you can answer him in person,’ Georgia suggested.
Victetta nodded.
‘If I respond, they'll only get emboldened.’ I shook my head.
We entered Defence Against the Dark Arts to find the classroom silent.
Yep. Plum was a five-foot-nothing dictator who seemed determined to take out her vertical inadequacies on her students.
Everyone took their seats. The other students did their best to stare at their desks as though they were the most fascinating things in the world.
I held my head high and smiled.
What? I was a Malfoid. Decorum was expected of me, even when dealing with a freaking tyrant.
‘Today's class will consist of one-on-one practice. Everyone up!’ Plum announced.
Groans filled the room.
I rolled my eyes.
The professor noticed immediately. In fact, she seemed particularly angry today. One of her eyebrows twitched.
‘Malfoid. Potter. You're up,’ Plum said.
I held my head high as I approached the practice area in the centre of the classroom. Students gathered around the edges to watch.
‘Today's spell is Delencio. It's a variant of the Silencio spell you may already know, except this one interferes with the target's speech and causes their spells to backfire. Harry, you're on the offensive. Draconia, good luck.’
Plum flashed me a wicked grin.
‘Delencio!’ Harry snapped, whipping out his wand.
‘Protego!’
I conjured a magical barrier.
The air around me rippled as a dome formed.
‘Close, Mr Potter. Put more emphasis on the DEL in Delencio,’ Plum instructed.
‘Delencio!’
Harry flicked his wand again.
I blocked the spell.
Again and again, I deflected his attacks.
Then he got me.
I staggered as the spell struck.
‘Again!’ Plum ordered.
‘Delencio!’ Harry raised his wand.
‘Pro...tegooooo!’
The words dragged out of my mouth.
Harry stopped.
‘Use this at the right moment, and you can make a spell backfire. There are other sound-based spells that can even alter the spell your opponent casts. Useful, no?’ Plum asked, flashing the class a genuine smile.
I returned to my friends, my jaw numb and my tongue hanging loosely from my mouth.
‘You all right?’ Victetta patted my back.
‘Fwwiiiinnne,’ I drawled.
Soooo embarrassing!
Class ended, and we filed out in silence.
I massaged my jaw. It still tingled, but at least I could talk again.
‘Miss Malfoid, stay,’ Plum announced.
I froze in the doorway.
‘We'll wait for you,’ Georgia said with a grimace.
I returned to the classroom.
Plum produced a piece of robin-mail.
‘It was you?’ I gasped.
‘Yes. I've been trying to arrange a meeting with you. We have matters to discuss,’ Plum said.
‘About what?’
‘Certain parties are interested in recruiting you into—’
‘Not interested.’
I turned and walked away.
‘Miss MALFOID!’
I stopped and turned to regard her.
‘Yes?’
‘You will listen to what I have to say.’
‘Do you have any idea who my father is?’
‘Ah...’ She blinked.
‘I am a Malfoid.’ I stepped closer.
‘I am the princess of Slytherin, purest of the pure-bloods. I have no interest in joining any secret groups or shadowy organisations. If it's important, you can speak to my father. Now, is there anything else, Professor?’ I asked.
She stared at me, mouth agape.
‘Good day, Professor.’
I turned on my heels and walked away.