The axe smashed into the upholstery again, causing the control panel to loosen completely. Removing radio sets settled into a routine. He ripped out the wires and climbed out of the hatch with a prize in hand and put it down in the enormous bag, next to a few dozen identical sets.
“Are we done yet?” Ni asked with a bored and frustrated tone.
“You pestering me every five minutes won’t speed it up,” he replied bluntly.
“I’m bored! I’m sitting here doing nothing since forever!” She changed her position again, causing the entire area to quake.
He glanced at her, wondering how Ichi tolerated such behaviour for millions of years on end. No, worse behaviour. He vividly remembered how she acted just a few days ago when they’ve kidnapped him. Apparently, his addition shifted their group dynamic, making Ni more approachable and considerate, as insane as it sounded.
“Ni, I’ve been working here for like... 2 hours at most. Just get yourself something to do.”
“Like fucking what, midget? I can’t hunt here, everything is too small. I can’t even spit fire down range, because I will burn this bitch ass forest,” she grumbled, slapping the closest tree and making it to fall to the ground.
“Fuck!” he yelled when the tree flattened the fence a few meters in front of him. “Ni, just...” He facepalmed, reconsidering life choices.
“Sorry, sorry...” she sighed, even more annoyed now, grumpily resting her head on her fist.
He got an idea that could both fix her boredom and satisfy his curiosity. “Teel me about your parents Ni,” he prompted, inspecting another vehicle.
“My... parents?” she asked curiously.
“Parents. You know, mother and father...”
“I don’t have parents,” she replied bluntly.
“Don’t have... you mean that they are dead?” he asked, inspecting an old, open-topped Humvee.
“No,” she scoffed. “I just don’t have parents. Never had them.”
His brain was so focused on the radio wiring that it took him several seconds to process what she just said. He blinked and turned to face her. “What do you mean you never had parents? Who raised you?”
“We raised ourselves.” She shrugged. “Since the day we’ve hatched, we were just... the three of us.”
He was beginning to roll his eyes as he tried to imagine the three toddlers getting out of their eggs and trying to survive on their own... But then he remembered that he was using the human newborn ‘template’, so to speak. Which he shouldn’t have done, since they were... well, not humans. Human newborns were useless, but he was aware of animal species whose newborns were basically self-sufficient right after birth... Maybe they were one of those species.
“Huh...” he muttered, facing the wiring again. “Can you tell me about it? Do you remember... well... your hatching?”
Ni huffed and scratched her head. “Shit, that’s an old memory you know...” She went silent for a few seconds. “... But I think I remember... a few things...”
He was wrestling to fit the axe head into the slot to cut the wires. It was ever so slightly too small. Too small in that extremely frustrating manner... A few solid kicks would put it in the right place, if he could only find just the right angle...
“I... remember the darkness... The inside... of my egg...” She paused, her face showing visible effort. “It was... strange. I wasn’t, but then I suddenly... was... You know? Just like I was not seeing anything... not even darkness... but then I saw everything... I could suddenly... think... I don’t know how to explain it, midget. You’d have to live through it...”
So, they were conscious even before hatching? That was an... interesting fact, if true... Though he was suddenly very glad not to remember his own birth...
“And I just felt that strange need to... get out. Escape. I didn’t know what breathing was but... knowing what choking was came first.” She shook her head, as if trying to get rid of an unpleasant feeling. “So I pushed forward and... broke the shell from the inside. I remember that I crawled out and instantly slid down... and then I just began coughing and vomiting that weird egg-juice... you know?”
“Yeah, I know.” He nodded, focusing on her again.
“Then I began breathing and... I breathed a lot. I remember the air was full of dust or... or something that resembled dust, I don’t know… There was some smoke in the air too I think…And then I’d heard a sneeze next to me.”
“A sneeze?” He cocked his head.
“Yeah, it was Ichi. She was standing next to me with a finger in her mouth and looking at me. And constantly sneezing. Like, every five seconds it was just ‘Iiiichiii! Iiiichiii!’. Just constantly. I guess she hatched a few minutes before me, because I could stand up just fine about 3 minutes later.”
“Wait wait wait hold up!” He waved his hands, as the new information made its way through his brain. “Does... No wait... Please, don’t tell me that Ichi’s name... is Ichi because she... sneezed a lot...”
“Yeah it is. I began calling her that, because she made that sound. Just like she began calling me Ni, because I was making that sound.” She shrugged.
“... Are you fucking kidding me?!”
Ni lost focus on the story, surprised by his sudden outburst. “What do you want, it’s true,” she grumbled defensively.
“I know! But it’s just...” He began laughing hysterically. “... so fucking funny...”
In normal circumstances it wouldn’t be THAT funny... But for whatever reason, right now, the knowledge that they were named after sounds they made as toddlers... He just couldn’t, he was losing his shit on the Humvee’s front seat. An act, which made Ni extremely upset.
“Stupid fucking midget, yer name’s even dumber, but yer gowk ass makin fun of me?!” a stream of words left her mouth, each flowing into the other so smoothly that it was honestly surprising they were even distinguishable from one another.
“AHAHAHAHA!!! Nininininininini...”
Her lips lifted, presenting all her teeth and growled. So deeply and so loudly that it began reverberating within the Humvee’s hull. The imminent threat of pushing her too far helped to sober him up again. He took a deep breath and wiped his mouth with his forearm. “I’m sorry Ni... I was just...” he giggled “... I wasn’t expecting... that...”
All it did was to make her look even more pissed... somehow. At the very least, she stopped growling... To be honest it made sense in hindsight. How Kendall sneezed and all... Wait... Kendall?
“What insane sound did Kendall make that you called her... Kendall?”
“I would get to that, if you weren’t laughing yer ass off,” she hissed.
“I said I’m sorry, didn’t I?”
She rolled her eyes and hissed again, while he returned to getting the Humvee’s radio out. The wires were finally within reach of the blade, so he cut them by sliding them over it several times and ripped out the device, then freed the axe by stomping on the handle.
“Stupid fucking midget...” she sighed, calming down a little. “Kendall changed her name like, a few hundred years ago. I don’t know why, but one day she just announced it and... that was it. Ichi was supportive and I didn’t care, so we stopped calling her Omu.”
“Hmmm... curious...” He nodded absent-mindedly. “… anyways, what about your hatching?”
She let out the air and somewhat reluctantly focused on her memories again. “I remember that I walked around a bit, looking at everything, while Ichi stayed with Kendall’s egg. I honestly don’t remember much, we were in some sort of... Big canyon, or hole... I remember that there were gray and white rocks everywhere and that... The floor was covered in shards of ice... I think...” She closed her eyes, trying to visualise the scene. “Yeah, I can’t remember more... Anyways, I went back to Ichi after a while. She was standing in front of the third egg, still sucking her own finger. And Kendall... took a while to hatch... truth be told, she almost didn’t.” She shook her head, suddenly upset.
“She... almost didn’t?” he paused after stuffing another radio set in the bag.
“Yeah... she began breaking the egg, but... then stopped with just fingers outside. For a few minutes, we just watched, but she wasn’t moving inside anymore... So Ichi broke the egg herself and pulled Omu... Kendall out and stretched her on the ground. She wasn’t moving. I didn’t know what... death was, but... I think my instincts realised what was happening. But she didn’t die. Ichi pushed her belly and she... began coughing out that egg stuff. Like, she could barely cough, but... Yeah...” she inhaled deeply “And that’s basically it. In like half an hour, we were all standing and walking around the place. And then we left and... you know the rest.”
He slowly nodded, genuinely astonished by the tale. It’s not that it was unbelievably complex or anything, but that when he tried to imagine it through the lenses of a newborn hatchling... “Wow...” he commented unwittingly.
“Yeah... Is yer curiosity satisfied now?” She returned to her usual demeanor.
“I... guess it is...” He scratched his head and huffed.
“Cool... Are you finished yet?”
He grumbled, which caused a slight smirk to appear on her face. He looked at the rows of vehicles he had already devastated. “I think I’m done with the vehicles... I just need to check the bunker for explosives now...”
She got visibly excited and leaned a bit towards him.
“Don’t move around too much when I’m inside, okay? I don’t want to get buried alive in there...”
“Wouldn’t that be a tragedy,” she mocked.
He shook his head and marched into the bunker entrance. He pulled out his phone and used its flashlight function to actually see where he was going. The main corridor had a slight slope leading deeper into the artificial hill. He looked inside the first room finding nothing of interest, at least at first glance. At second glance, he noticed a myriad of tiny eyes looking at him in fear. Mice, rats, and other rodents. He left them alone and moved on. The next few rooms were equally as empty, with only a few old pieces of furniture littering the place.
At last, he reached the very end of the corridor and entered a large hall. It was the place he was hoping to find – ammo storage. Rows of neatly organised wooden pallets lined the walls, with narrow, grid-like paths between them. Most of the pallets were empty, but in the back, he found some with small, 20 mm IFV shells. It was... something. He certainly could extract the gunpowder from them, but it would take a long time. So for now, he moved on, illuminating the path before him. And in a stroke of luck, found just what he needed.
Old NATO standard 155 mm artillery shells, left behind for... some reason. He quickly approached them and examined their condition.
An act that quickly revealed the reason why they were abandoned – their expiration date. Those that still had their labels intact showed an expiration date of December 2027, meaning that they were outdated by over three… well, nearly four decades at this point. He left them for now and checked the rest of the storage, finding only more pallets of 20 mm and one pallet of slightly less outdated 155 mm. The rest of the storage was empty, except for an old cart with wheels barely functional from the accumulated rust. He sighed and took the cart with him, then began removing fuses and loading the shells onto the cart. They were heavy, each of them easily 40 kg, but it was far from difficult. He was suddenly reminded that he was, in fact, quite big and strong... for a human man. He wasn’t ripped or anything, but his sizeable frame and at least semi-physical work meant that he was stronger than most. He just spent several days with beings so absurdly powerful that his own strength seemed irrelevant in comparison.
The ground suddenly trembled, jiggling the shells around him and causing him to drop the shell he was carrying on his foot.
“GODFUCKING DAMINT!!! NI!!!” he yelled down the corridor, jumping on one leg.
“Awww, what happened, midget? Did you fall over again?” came her muffled, but clearly mocking voice.
“JUST STOP WALKING AROUND!”
“Or what?”
“OR I WILL DROP A SHELL THAT WILL ACTUALLY EXPLODE!”
A moment of silence followed.
“Tch, fine... I’m gonna stand still for a while...”
He huffed to himself in annoyance and massaged his foot a bit more, before returning to work. He filled the cart with shells to the point that pushing it became a struggle – especially now, since he was now limping from pain – and began making his way outside. The light outside was almost blinding.
“You have the stuff?” asked Ni, making a single step towards him, causing the entire base to quake.
“Yeah, those will do... they are expired, but all it means is that the explosion is gonna be unpredictable, not that they won’t explode.”
“Cool,” she said, bending down and swooshing all the shells into her bag. “Can we go now?”
“No. This won’t kill a Kaiju of that size. I’m gonna take a few more carts of the stuff.”
She grumbled, but this time managed not to whine about it.
He made several more trips, until he pulled all shells out of storage, leaving behind only the 20 mm ammo. “That’s all.”
“Fucking FINALLY.” She exhaled, putting the cargo in her bag.
“I’ll be surprised if it doesn’t rip the Kaiju in half to be honest.”
“Hah, I sure hope so...” She smirked, straightening herself. “So... we have everything now, right?
He dusted himself off, removing the cobwebs from his hair. “Well, I would sa...”
“Means we don’t need you anymore.” She interrupted, lifting her foot above him.
He froze, seeing his new, leathery ceiling. “Wait Ni! No! Wait! Please! Wai...”
She put her foot down in a sliding motion, tipping him over and forcing him against the ground. For a second, he thought he was done for, that his life would ultimately amount to nothing, that he would become a stain on her sole and no one would ever know...
But it never happened. Her foot never came down all the way; it just uncomfortably squished him. His ceiling moved as she grinded her foot, forcing the skin on his cheek to stretch as it followed her sole. Then, she stepped back, leaving him on the ground, broken only mentally. He was done; he just couldn’t... take it anymore... He really wanted to go home... to Ic...
What?
His brain for a moment forced out the fear and replaced it with sheer confusion over its own thoughts.
“That will teach you to make fun of my name,” Ni snickered, taking a lot of satisfaction from seeing him shivering on the ground.
“D-d... D-didd y-you... have t-to do itt... l-like t-that...?” he stuttered.
“Yer surprised, midget? I’ve told you I’d step on you on purpose next time.” She grinned.
He ran back his memory and... recalled that she did threaten him with it one time... Also after he made fun of her.
“O-oh... I guess... I kind of deserved that...” he whimpered, pushing himself into a sitting position.
“Bet yer ass you did... Anyways, do we have everything now?” she asked, squatting in front of him.
“I... I would say we are like... 70% t-there... I need some tools and... I need to make acid-proof casing.” He began gathering himself again as he spoke.
“And what do you need for those... casings?”
“I guess acid proof steel would be the best?”
“Cool. Then just get some steel from those vehicles and we will be done.” She gestured with her head towards the gutted IFVs.
“No, it won’t do.” He shook his head. “This steel is meant to resist impacts and heat, not acid. Acid will just dissolve it.”
“What?” she huffed. “There’re different types of steel?”
“More than I can count. I just... you know what, I think there is no point in trying to get it from scrap. I will just go and buy the rest.” He stood up, his ego forcing new resolve into him.
“... Buy it?” Ni cocked her head.
Stolen content warning: this tale belongs on NovelPhoenix. Report any occurrences elsewhere.
“Well yes, we’ve saved so much by looting this place that I...”
“Doesn’t ‘buying’ stuff require us to go to the city?” she cut him off.
“Well, yes. I will just go there and get everything, while you wait here.”
“Fuck, MORE waiting?! How long?!”
He considered her question, thinking over his possibilities. Ordering a taxi at the edge of the exclusion zone and then returning in a rented minivan would most likely be the fastest. “Two, maybe three days?” he said cautiously.
Ni silently stared at him, her eyes betraying just how livid this proposition got her. She growled.
“I know it’s not ideal, but...”
“Fuck. This. I’m leaving today,” she announced, then grabbed him without warning.
“Ni, what are you doing?! I can’t make the bombs without...”
“I know midget. I’m just gonna take you there today,” Ni cut him off, picking up her bag with her other hand.
“... What? Ni, you can’t be serious!” he yelled.
“I’m absolutely serious. I’m gonna take you to the place you want and leave. Simple as,” she said cockily, beginning to walk in the direction of Angeles.
“Ni, you can’t! They will rip you to shreds!” He banged his fists against her.
“Tch, you yourself said that they don’t care about what I do, because I’m a titan, right?” She glanced down at him.
“You going into the city is EXACTLY the thing that will make them start caring! You ju...”
Her thumb moved over and muffled him, silencing all sounds he was making into something inaudible. “Much better,” she commented with a sly grin. “No more buzzing.”
He tried to struggle, to scream, but the results were as predictable as always – titan's grip was just too strong to acknowledge his efforts in any way. Except for grinning.
Resigned to his fate of getting smothered by her palm, he tried looking for silver linings. Sure, they’d soon get blown up to smithereens, but uhhh… It was… cozy and warm in here?
The forest soon made way for only slightly desolate fields. It was uncommon for the kaijus to make it this far, which meant that the dead, sickly soil was an exception, rather than the rule here, with vegetation forming tight cordons around them. After a while, Ni stepped over the ankle-high fence and officially brought him back into civilisation.
It was still early afternoon, which meant that everyone was still at work. Probably a good thing – at the very least, the panic in the city would be more manageable. Ni stepped over a road, sparing it from collapsing into one of her footprints.
Then, he finally saw it – the familiar vista of a city built after the Kaiju threat emerged. Dense, purely functional blocks built in a tight grid, with not a single skyscraper the States were once known for in sight. This type of architecture was relatively uncommon in North America before but now constituted the accommodation of the vast majority of citizens. He had heard people commenting that modern US looked like post-Soviet Ukraine, but he didn’t have a point of reference, as the only places in the Federation he had visited were Croatia and north-eastern Italy. Suddenly, he heard a familiar sound. Too familiar in fact.
Kaiju alarms.
Ni also heard the noise and almost instantly stopped, her expression turning from cockiness into pure anxiety. He wriggled in her grip again, but this time she was too busy to even notice it. Only when he resorted to biting her thumb, did he get a reaction out of her. She pulled her thumb away from his face.
“Congratulations Ni. We are gonna get blown up now,” he commented sourly.
“I admit, I might’ve gotten carried away...” she replied nervously. “But surely there is a way to... prevent it, right?”
“You can run away or... I don’t know... sit down and... don’t move too much.”
A missile crashed a few dozen meters in front of them and exploded, covering Ni’s legs in specks of dirt.
“How will that help?!” she yelled, jumping away from the crater.
“They will... think that you weren’t going for the city, but... just roaming around here... maybe.”
“Fuck you mean ‘maybe’, midget?!”
“Well, I mean that they MIGHT be kind enough not to kill you if you do it. But I can’t know for sure. Maybe they had a bad day, who knows?” He tried to shrug but was still firmly immobilised.
“... Great...” she sighed and sat down, visibly fighting against curling into a ball.
They waited for several seconds, until another missile hit the ground, this time far behind them.
“Fuck...” Ni hissed.
“No, not ‘fuck’. This is good. Those things basically never miss, which means that they didn’t want to hit you... at least not anymore,” he explained.
She raised him to her eye level a little too quickly, giving him a mild case of vertigo. “How could you know that?”
“Ni... I make those missiles. I know everything about them.”
She blinked several times, trying to focus on his eyes. “You... you make them?”
He nodded, a slightly mocking expression entering his face. “Yeah. I’m making missiles for a living. You know, in that factory you kidnapped me from.”
“So you’re like... putting them together every day? And you... make sure, that they always hit?”
“Well, not personally. I have machines that do it faster than anyone ever could. I just upgrade and maintain them... you know, I make sure everything works smoothly. But as a matter of fact, I take great pride in making the thrusters’ response to signals 17% faster, which means the missiles hit even more reliably.”
She loosened her grip and let him stand on his own again. “I... I would say it’s cool... If it weren’t so lame. 17% is not much.”
He stared at her with a hurt ego and pouted, which despite anxiety, got a small snicker out of her. “Fuck you. You have no idea how much it changes and how hard it was.” He crossed his arms and turned around.
Right in time to see several helicopters flying towards them. They needed a plan that wasn’t dogshit for a change.
“Ni... I need you to listen very carefully. VERY, you get me?”
“Pff, fine. What do you need.”
“Do not threaten them. Don’t attack them. Don’t get angry, don’t make sudden movements... don’t even look at them the wrong way and... in general... be friendly. Okay?”
“... Sure. Okay,” she replied, though he could feel her unconvinced gaze drilling in his skull.
Two helicopters flanked her, maintaining a respectful distance, while the others hovered in front of them, as if waiting for something.
“I JUST WANT TO GET SOMETHING FROM THE STORE!” Ni yelled, waving at the helicopters.
He honestly had no idea if her talking at all was good or bad in this situation. It certainly wasn’t terrible, as it gave a bit of important context – that Ni could be reasoned with... at least theoretically.
A column of vehicles moved out of the city and made their way towards them. He saw glimpses of civilian drones taking off from between the buildings, flying in their direction for a few seconds and then falling down once they’d entered the range of jammers. People never learned.
They waited anxiously as the column approached them at seemingly glacial speed. Finally, it formed a semi-circle around 200 meters away from Ni. The helicopters moved away, sparing their ears from the noise.
A few launchers aimed at Ni at what was basically point-blank range to her visible displeasure, while a group of people stepped out of the armoured car.
An old man in his late 60s with sparse, snow-white hair, in an officer’s uniform and a pair of shades, flanked by several men armed with drill rockets approached the titan with an uncanny amount of confidence, stopping only 15 meters away from her.
“Say hi,” he whispered to Ni.
“Uhmmm... Hi?” she said, waving her hand politely at the old man.
The bodyguards recoiled away, shocked by Ni’s ability to speak. But their superior seemed unphased. “Hi indeed...” the old man replied, hands behind his back.
“I just... uhhh... wanted to get something from the store... we really need it... y-you know,” Ni stuttered while anxiously glancing at the launchers every other second.
“So I have heard.” The old man nodded. “The question is... why?”
“Ni, put me down, I will talk with him, okay?” he said, getting her attention for a few seconds.
Slowly, she lowered her hand and put him on the ground, sparking a few quiet curses from the frightened bodyguards. He walked up to the old major, at least judging by markings on his shoulder. This time, the man looked surprised, if only a little.
“Good afternoon, sir.” He stretched his hand, getting incredulous looks from his bodyguards.
Major looked at him for a few seconds, then shook it. “Good afternoon. Please enlighten me – what is happening here? Preferably before someone makes a mistake.”
He huffed, looking around at the faces of soldiers around him. They were trying not to lose their cool, but it didn’t look like they were going to hold for long.
“She isn’t going to wreck the city or anything. We would actually prefer to save some things from getting wrecked, but we need some stuff from the store.”
The major cleared his throat. “First of all... she?” His eyebrow raised.
“Yes... It’s honestly very obvious, once you stop looking at her like a giant monster.”
“What the...” one of the soldiers muttered.
“Silence!” the major snapped, before turning back to him. “Fine then. She. Tell me what is happening, before I die from cerebral hemorrhage.”
“Uhmmm... right.” He scratched his head. “Firstly... do you want the true version, or the bullshit that would be easier to explain to your superiors?”
The major smiled faintly and slowly took off his shades. “Son... stop fucking with me and tell the truth.” His eyes turned dangerously vicious all of a sudden.
The only reason why he hasn’t recoiled was the fact that the angry major barely registered on the ‘fear and bullshit’ scale after what he had to deal with.
“Of course... There is a basically untouched island on the Pacific… Or at least untouched until recently, when an extremely dangerous kaiju appeared there. I’m not sure when it appeared, but it had to be recently. She and... her two sisters... uhhh... recruited me to help them deal with the problem. It differs from the other kaijus.”
“And how it differs exactly?” the major asked, piercing him with his eyes.
“Well... it’s huge. Like, you wouldn’t believe how huge if I’d told you. And it is covered in some kind of armour that makes it nearly untouchable. It's way beyond her capabilities to kill.” He pointed at Ni with his thumb.
“Then just let it die on its own. It will run out of energy and...”
“That’s the thing,” he interrupted the major. “For whatever reason, this kaiju eats. Yes, I do know that kaijus do not eat, but this one does. I’ve seen it with my own eyes. It won’t starve to death. It will destroy everything on that island and move on, probably in this direction.”
The major sighed. “Son... even if what you say is true... Why would I care? My task is to defend the American soil, not the soil of... some random island on the Pacific. Right now, your... friend is endangering this soil. Right now, I care about getting rid of you two more than I care about helping you... do whatever it is that you are planning to do.”
He nodded and for a moment held the base of his nose, lost in deep thought. “I... understand. But...” He turned to point at Ni. “... I know her. She’s hotheaded. I know what happens if you don’t help us. She will get mad, break some stuff, endanger or maybe even kill people around her, which will cause you to kill her, which will cause a lot of problems for you, because suddenly everyone in the military will be questioning the wisdom of approaching a titan like this, and everyone outside of the military will be screeching about the environment, and the endangered titan species, and the idiot who ordered his men to kill one for no reason...” He shook his head. “You know the drill, Sir. A huge mess. And all I am asking is to... give me a ride. And not shoot at her. Is that too much to ask?” he ended with a rhetorical question.
Major’s eyes were piercing him for the entire speech. He had an uncanny feeling that major’s gaze functioned as a lie detector. Finally, the old man relented. “Come on son. Let’s get you what you need.”
It took him a full second to process, but once he basically leapt after the major when he finally did.
“S-sir, w-what about the... Titan?” asked one of the soldiers.
“Just don’t fire at her and it will be fine. Right, miss?” the major turned his head towards Ni.
“Uh, yeah, of course it will be fine... Unless some idiot shoots me, then it’s game,” Ni replied.
“See? At ease, men. And behave yourself.”
They reached the car and sat on the back seats. He turned around to look at Ni who -while sill visibly anxious – was quickly regaining her cockiness after the launchers stopped pointing directly at her. She eyed one of the soldiers, who was suddenly almost shitting himself from her just looking at him.
“Wanna kiss?” she asked.
“WHAT?!” the man screamed in a high-pitched voice.
“... You could have just said ‘No’, asshole,” she scoffed.
The doors closed. The major sighed, massaged his forehead a little... and began laughing. He looked at the man anxiously.
“... Kiss?” the major asked, his face behind his hands.
“I... might have dared her to...” He cleared his throat. “... ‘Collect kisses from midgets’. That was the direct quote.”
The major was now drowning in laughter. It was honestly scary how quickly his persona changed from the stoic and dangerous officer to... this.
“What a Goddamned mess...” the major said, wiping his tears. “What a mess... I honestly don’t know if I should pity or congratulate you.”
“Both is good,” he replied, smirking a little.
“Yes... I guess...” It took him only two seconds to calm down and collect himself. The major inhaled deeply, glanced at him and opened the window a bit. “On the topic of messes – you look like a mess, son. You need anything?”
He looked at himself and decided that he was more than a bit unkempt at the moment... which failed to surprise him. But it was his unseen problem that trumped everything else.
“I’d kill for something decent to eat...” he sighed. “They fed me once a day and it was just... pure meat.”
The major’s face suddenly darkened. “Feeding you?” He glanced back at the sitting titan. “You know son, you are safe now. You don’t have to go back there if that’s what your plan was.”
He shook his head. “No, it’s just that they eat once per day at most and didn’t know our… human eating habits...” He looked him straight in the eyes. “I honestly like them. And I want to help. After that...” He shrugged. “We’ll see.”
The Major looked at him curiously but didn’t push the topic further. “Where do you need to go, son? Which store sells that secret kaiju killing superweapon?”
“Castorama.”
The Major gave him an angry look but... it faded once it became clear he was serious.
“Fine then. Castorama it is,” the major informed the driver and then turned to him again. “Enlighten me then, what your plan is. I think you owe me at least that much.”
“Certainly.” He cleared his throat. “Well, my assumption was that since I don’t have anything that could pierce its skin, I shouldn’t bother trying. So my plan is to... blow it up from the inside.”
“Oh, like in The Boys?” the major asked.
“... In the what?”
“Don’t worry about it, you’re too young to get that reference...” the major waved his hand. “So, you’re going to shove a bomb into the Kaiju’s rectum? You’re making some sort of stretcher strapped to a rocket?”
He blinked and looked at him, horrified that someone would even think of such a thing, let alone how to actually do it. “N... N-no... I’m going to feed it explosives.”
“Ah... Yes, I guess that makes more sense...” the old man replied, a hint of disappointment in his voice.
Trying to get the hellish images out of his brain, he focused on the actually reasonable plan. He told him about his reasoning, described the kaiju and what he needed to complete his project. Old man listened intently, asking weirdly specific questions every once in a while.
“We’re here, Sir,” the driver interrupted in a neutral tone.
He honestly forgot the man was even there, but it didn’t matter. What mattered was the store and...
An intense smell made him recoil. A smell that caused him to transform into an animal and run, tracking the source by scent alone. A food wagon at the parking lot’s island.
“GIVE ME THREE BIGGEST...” He glanced at what the wagon was actually selling “... KEBABS YOU HAVE!”
“Get lost idiot,” the man behind the counter snapped in a German accent.
Before he could get offended, a realisation hit – he was wearing the company’s mandatory tracksuit that he hasn’t washed for at least a week, his hair was unkempt and most likely smelly from his... adventures and lack of bathing. Well except that one time when Ichi gave him a handful of cold water... But yes, he was just dirty.
He probably looked like a frenzied crackhead right now.
“I’m paying upfront, if that’s what you’re worried about.”
The cashier looked at him, not even trying to hide his disgust but nevertheless inserted his order into the register and handed him the terminal. Payment via phone went through without any issue… Which seemed to upset the cashier even more. “Who did you rob?”
He gave him an unamused look. “No one. I just had really bad day.”
It didn’t seem convince the man, but it got him working. The old major finally caught up with him. “You need anything else, son?”
“... I will probably need a van to transport all the stuff... And a bath if there’s a place to do it nearby.”
“Ze gas station.” The cashier gestured behind him.
He forced his eyes to get off the food in the wagon and followed his gesture. Indeed, there was a gas station with a small convenience store attached to it on the other side of the parking lot. “Thanks... But I beg you, give me this kebab fast...”
“Vait a bit, I’m almost...” The cashier turned around and finally noticed that the second person – currently ordering a truck via the comms – was not a random old man, but a high-ranking officer. The cashier’s eyes darted towards him, finally realising that he was not serving a crackhead. The bread got filled with sauces, vegetables, and finally meat.
He didn’t wait for the cashier to hand him the meal, instead ripping it from his hands like an animal. It was so good... The meat, the vegetables, all those different spices and flavours... His eyes began watering... It was probably very unhealthy, but that didn’t matter in the slightest. The thing was forced down his throat. He didn’t care; it was the first food he had in the last two days...
He wiped his hands into a tissue and glanced towards the gas station. “I’ll be right back!” He jogged towards the station.
Inside, he bought a bottle of shampoo, a towel, a phone charger, tracksuit pants, and a horribly overpriced t-shirt of some obscure rock band he had never heard of. The next point on the list was a shower. At long last, he bathed properly, his skin almost peeling off of him with how much filth it was releasing. Amazing. The side effect was that he also got rid of the remnants of Ichi’s smell...
What? That wasn’t a downside, smelling like that was deeply..
.
Deeply what?
Shaking his head, would wipe himself dry, arrange his hair at least somewhat, and put on his new clothes, rolling the old ones into a bar. Back at the food wagon, he witnessed a rioting sight – the major got his hands on one of the kebabs.
“This thing’s really good lad, you said where it’s from?” the major asked.
“From ze Balkans, sir. But ve made it our national dish. Officially a decade ago, but realistically, it vas alvays our national dish.”
“Yeah, it is really good... It might have saved my life just now,” he interrupted, approaching the two.
“Well look at you son. You look like a different man!” The old man smiled.
“Thanks... I really needed that.”
“Yes, you did,” the cashier confirmed in a more friendly tone.
“I’m... gonna go get my stuff now... It’s gonna take a while...”
“Take your time.” The major waved at him, taking another bite out of the kebab.
In the store, he took the largest cart he could find and started shopping. First thing first, he bothered an exhausted clerk with questions until he realised that he didn’t actually need steel – in fact, a container made out of acid-proof plastic would be far better in all aspects for this specific application. Quickly locating the containers, he shoved basically the entire stock of them on his cart, then pushed it next to the cash register, left to get a new cart and did the same thing all over again with slightly smaller ones this time. Third cart he filled with tools – a new blowtorch, welding kit, a small power generator, a few canisters, and a metric ton of smaller tools like screwdrivers and other basic items. The sheer number of items in the cart made it look like the entire thing was on verge of collapsing.
He pushed his third cart to the register and met a cashier who was visibly starting to regret his life choices by just looking at the pile of seemingly random trash. The cashier sighed and began the long and arduous process of scanning.
It took so long that he had witnessed the manager herself sitting at the second cash register and off-loading the other customers who in the meantime created a stupidly long line behind him in the meantime. After what felt like an eternity, the shell-shocked cashier pointed to the terminal.
His phone was rejected.
The cashier hid his face in his hands and began sobbing.
“Try again,” he said, scanning his thumb this time.
The cashier obliged, but clearly without hope. This time, it went through to the cashier’s utter disbelief.
In the meantime, he quietly mourned his bank account, looking at the rope-like receipt flowing out of the register without end. It ultimately didn’t matter all that much to him – just an instinctive reaction of a man turning too much into his own father for his liking.
He got two unhappy employees to help him push his carts through the front doors. “HEY! SIR MAJOR!” he yelled, waving his hands at the old man sitting with the wagon cashier at a small plastic table next to the wagon itself.
The major looked at him, then lifted up his comms and muttered something. Seconds later, a military truck arrived at the entrance and unloaded a unit of soldiers, who quickly moved everything onto the truck. He observed them for a while, then shrugged and visited the gas station again, filling the canisters with petroleum, and adding them onto the truck as well.
After that, he approached the still dining major.
“Everything’s fine, son?”
“Yeah... I mean yes, sir. We can go back now.”
“Great.” The major turned to the cashier, as he stood up. “It was a nice chat, Konrad. Take care of the kids.”
“You too, sir,” the cashier replied.
The cashier handed him the third kebab and reopened his business. They boarded the same vehicle as before and began making their way back towards the exclusion zone.
“Something’s wrong?” the old man asked, noticing his unease.
He shook his head, pulling himself out of his stream of thought. “No... I’m just wondering... how in the hell did everything go so... well?”
The major smiled. “A bit of common decency goes a long way, son. Especially nowadays when it’s in such a short supply.”
He considered his words, then slowly nodded. “I... thank you, sir. I will... try to record the kaiju and the... entire thing with blowing it up and upload it... somewhere on the internet most likely. It will probably make dealing with your superiors a bit... easier.”
The major laughed jovially and punched his shoulder with surprising strength. “Now you’re getting it! I am Gregory by the way. Gregory Clarence.”
He introduced himself as well and shook his hand again.
The rest of their ride passed in relatively good spirits. They’ve passed by the inevitable environmental protest, a flock of doomsayers, and a herd of reporters gathered on the road blocked by the military. Ni, still sat on the field but was now... casual and relaxed. Chatting with soldiers they couldn’t yet see from this far away.
The driver stopped and they got out, which got Ni’s attention. “Midget... is that you? You look... different.” She cocked her head.
“Yeah, I just changed my clothes. No biggie... Anyways, put your bag on the ground, please.”
She obliged and curiously eyed the truck’s crew working in an ant-like fashion.
The soldiers seemed far more relaxed and casual... except one guy, who sat on the ground with a wet face, shaking uncontrollably, surrounded by 100$ bills.
He covered his mouth, trying to choke the outburst of laughter.
“Done, Sir major!” reported one of the truck’s crewmembers.
“Excellent,” Gregory replied, returning to his officer persona. “At ease, soldier.”
The crewmember saluted and left.
“Do we have everything now?” Ni glanced at her bag.
“Yes. Even more than enough.” He nodded.
Without asking, she reached for him and put her bag on her chest. Standing up, she inspired a wave of awe that only intensified when she outstretched her wings.
“Thanks for everything!” He yelled at the last possible moment.
A thunderclap drowned all other sounds and shoved the closest observers to the ground. Ni gained altitude, leaving civilisation behind them once again.
“You know midget....” she said, looking at his form in her hand.
“Huh?!” he yelled back.
“I think I prefer being admired, not feared.”
***