"Haha, stunned into silence, I see. Back in the day, I was the champion of Elderwood Boys School."
Huh, why am I getting deja vu?
“Hmm, I used to play. Back in the day, I was the champion of Elderwood Girls School.” ~ Mom
Did my parents somehow get together from their love of empty boasting?
"Hmm, Luna wanna do another wager?"
How am I gonna get scammed this time?
"...Haaaa, tell me what it is first?"
"You know, Luna, you're not childlike at all, your vocab, mannerisms, even the way you—"
"Just tell me the wager, you old fart."
"Old fart... Another name I have to remember. Anyway, the wager will be a chess match. If I win, you have to call me Dad for a whole year, no nicknames. If you win, like that'll happen. I'll give you a small wish, anything I can do that isn't too out of the way."
Thank god my Dad doesn't talk about chess with the rest of the family... that wish thing will be great to leave in the bank too, hehe.
"e4."
"What?"
"e4."
"I heard what you said. I'm asking what e4 is."
Oh boy, is this going to be easy.
* * *
30 moves later
"Checkmate."
While I can say he put up a valiant fight, sadly, there are somethings in life that one can not overcome.
Even through sheer willpower, humanity's only OP trait is not a deus ex machina.
"Yawwwwnnnn."
Whether it was against Tim, Felix or Mom (and Seb) they all lost in 20 moves or less.
I can applaud Dad for taking me this far into the game, especially through mental chess, which he seemed unfamiliar with.
But what kind of idiot is he?
All he did was throw so many pieces at me that I just couldn't attack him.
Imagine you've got a battlefield with 300 soldiers on each side.
Would you:
A: Charge head on 300 v 300
B: Spread troops into smaller groups and conduct guerrilla warfare with hit-and-run tactics
C: Retreat because war sucks
D: Charge ahead in a single file line
If you answered anything but D, you are not an idiot.
Sadly, or maybe thankfully, my Dad chose D here.
While against Mom, she might have charged head-on and lost badly due to the differences in tactics.
With Dad, it just seemed like he was on the chess board, saying, 'Look, I took one down, if we all do that, we'll have a flawless victory.'
Completely forgetting the idea of grouping, not playing fair or that someone better could come along.
Does Dad think of chess the same way he does soccer?
Charging ahead solo, relying on his physique and skills and then actually winning.
I mean, he wouldn't win every time... he probably learnt to play dirty to supplement his solo—
"Yoohoo, earth to Lunnnaaaa."
"Ah... as you were saying."
"While you might have won easily, please don't fall asleep; it's disrespectful to your opponent."
Is my zoned-out look that bad?
And why do I feel like there's something odd with that statement...
"..."
"...You might hurt this old fart's feelings."
Ah, that's it.
"If you don't play like a suicidal general next time, I'll try not to fall asleep."
"...Suicidal? Luna, where did you learn that bad word from?"
Uhh...
To be fair, if I heard the word suicidal from a 4-year-old's mouth, I'd be pretty worried about not just the child, but what on earth their parents would be teaching for them to even hear the word, let alone accurately use it in a sentence.
Lucky me, the old man (Gerald) tried to say it in front of me, before I luckily cut him off (for his sake).
"The old man did."
"..."
"..."
"Who's the old man?"
"The old guy I played chess with when Mom took me to the chess club."
"I'll have to have a word with your mother later. Anyway, as I was saying during your snooze, they'll be doing the interview that'll air during halftime. Do you remember the lines I gave you?"
Ah, the recording part...
...The recording part?
I can't really say anything I want when it's recorded, so I probably tuned it out when reading the 20 pages of Dad's instructions.
"Of course, I remember, but if we want to elevate the almighty Leonidas to new heights, we should revise. You first, I need to make sure you even remember what you sent."
"You could have just said you forgot, you are a 4-year-old, it's normal to forget what's told even a minute ago."
Oh, we're playing it that way, huh.
* * *
"Good evening, viewers. Welcome to the halftime show. I'm Amanda Stokes."
"And I'm Joe Schmoe. Today, we have with us 2 very special guests. First up, the biggest star in Australian football, no, some say, in Australia. The man, the myth, the legend. Aaron Leonidas!"
clap clap clap
"Woohoo, yeah!" An overly enthusiastic staffer cheered.
"Hello everyone, yes, it's me, the greatest star of our generation, Aaron Leonidas. Very great of you guys to have me here, a true blessing for the viewers."
Here he goes again. There's no way people don't get tired of this at some point, right?
Joe replied, "Haha. classic Leonidas. Full of confidence as always, but today, you might be meeting your maker."
Amanda continued, "That's right, I've personally spoken to our guest earlier today. A person of principle, has nerves of steel and is someone I think we can all agree can easily take down the titan, Aaron Leonidas."
"Lunaaaaa, Leonidassss!"
Joe gave me a dramatic intro, so I've gotta live up to expectations.
"Hewllo."
The camera, way above my head, did a swivel to both sides as if shaking its head, then looking up until finally looking down to find a little kid (me) in a player's kit with my (Dad's) name on the back.
"Oh my, she's so tiny and so cute. Luna, come here, I'm way prettier than your Dad, aren't I?"
Amanda started the conversation naturally with a compliment and playful banter.
One might even think this was rehearsed.
Probably because it was.
"No, thank you. Daddy's shoulders are really comfy."
Like that, I went up to ass (Dad) and put my arms out for him to pick me up.
"Alright, Luna, up we go."
He grabbed me from my armpits. Lifted me up and then gently placed me on the couch.
Just as rehearsed.
"Daddy?"
"Not today, sweetie, we'll look a bit too silly doing an interview with you over my head."
"Hahaha, Luna, it would probably look better for the camera if you're sitting. Not to mention, the camera is tired from when it was looking for you earlier, haha."
"Joe, the camera doesn't get tired, it's the guy behind it. Cameraman, if you get tired, let me know, ok. I can go on my tippy toes, so it's easier for you."
This feeling...
Is it cringe?
To think I've never had the honor of feeling it til now.
"Aww, Luna, you're so precious. Joe here is a bit insensitive, so we have to remind him about his words at times."
* * *
After another few minutes of banter and promotional stuff for my Dad's upcoming work, it seems like they'll finally start talking to me.
Well, it wasn't like I did nothing, after all, this is all rehearsed.
Ass (Dad) gets to show his attentive side by asking me stuff or making sure I'm comfortable.
Like a lion raising his cubs or whatever it was that he was trying to explain in his 20 pages of instructions.
"Luna, can you tell us who your favorite parent is? Ignore your Dad staring holes at you from the side, though, ahaha."
The upcoming section is not rehearsed. So I've got to use my wit.
Hmmm, the answer to this seems quite obvious.
"I'm gonna answer the same way Mom does when I ask who the favorite child is... all of them or is it correct to say both in this case?"
Dad answered, "It would be both in this case, as it's between 2 people. The answer is wrong though, it should be your Mother, she does take care of you 24/7. Sadly, I'm out too much with international games, the Premier League and so on."
"So would it be correct to say Luna here could find her Mom in a crowd quite easily?"
"Luna hasn't left the house much due to COVID last year, but I believe in her. Luna, do you think you can do it?"
"I see Mom every day, how could I possibly get this wrong? Bring it on!"
"Whoa, so enthusiastic, it seems like we might get a 3rd legend to the name Leonidas in the coming years with that confidence."
"You know what, Joe, I think this is the first time I can agree with you."
"...Thank you Amanda, for your kind words... Anyway, Luna, I'm going to show you 3 images of your mother. One has been AI-generated, another has been edited in Photoshop and the last one is a real image used when your mother applied for the BlondePossible live-action remake."
"Huh... Mommy's an actress?"
This is my first time hearing about it.
Amanda kindly explained, "Teresa, your mother was probably the biggest actress in Australia, before you were born."
Wow, to think Mom was... actually kind of cool.
I just assumed she was one of those women who marry a rich husband and become housewives, having never worked a day in their life.
I should probably take more of an interest in the family.
I don't even know Seb's tablet password...
Gotta level up my game.
"Joe, please show Luna the images. Which one is real? You have 60 seconds. Ah, also feel free to think out loud."
3 different renderings of Teresa
Damn, Mom is actually pretty when she puts in the effort. If any of these are real, I don't think I'll be able to complain much when makeup and fashion lessons come up.
"Well, obviously it's not the middle one. Mom doesn't wear makeup, shiny jewelry and obviously doesn't have green eyelashes. Come on, guys, humans don't have colored eyelashes or colored nails. That's silly."