My name is Matthew and I would like to tell you the story of how I became 'The Paladin of the Old Gods'.
I had just entered a half-empty Subway car, a few stops from there I would finally make it home.
I held an envelope in my hand with the logo of a modeling and board game store.
I was anxious to get home to study the new expansion of the famous D&D game (5e edition) well.
'Heh heh, next Saturday we will start the new campaign I can't wait. The wizard this time, I will choose the wizard! For goodness sake it was still cool to play the Paladin, but it's time for a change!' I thought excitedly.
I noticed a little girl a few feet away from me who looked 12 years old at most.
'Alone in the late evening at this age' I thought showing an involuntary frown.
'If I were her father I would be anxious, but after all this is a quiet part of town.' And I went back to my own business.
During the next stop the last 3 people on the carriage exited, leaving me alone with the girl, facing each other. Before the doors closed a tall individual with a black leather jacket and a hood covering most of his face entered.
The hooded figure walked briskly towards the young girl who seemed relaxed and not in the least bit concerned about what had happened, in fact she had a small hint of a smile on her face.
"Come with me now. Hell is your home. Do NOT force my hand." He threatened the individual with a serious tone.
"Pff...Over an hour to find me?! You're losing it...heheh... Anyway, the answer is NO!" Replied the girl in a childish and slightly distorted voice.
I was quite shocked at the bizarre bickering event.
'What a fu**? Should I reconsider my previous opinion about the quiet part of town! He doesn't look like a father or a brother' I thought anxiously as I instinctively stood up.
I had always had a passion for fantasy stories of heroes saving the innocent and helpless maidens.
More as a hobby than as a sport, I had tried many types of fencing and martial arts even though. I had never reached a very good level in any of them I could honestly consider myself average.
Not once in 15 of my 23 years have I ever needed to put myself in a dangerous situation, but today was the day, I could feel it, my legs moved on their own instinctively sensing the tension.
"Sir excuse me don't you think you're overreacting? You're scaring the young lady." I said unbelievably as the 'young lady' had a strange and disturbing smile of defiance on her face.
I approached anyway trying to interpose myself between the two.
"Get as far away as you can boy! For your own good!" he said, pulling out of nowhere a long sword wrapped in white flames.
I stood frozen, open-mouthed and wide-eyed, as if the world had stopped.
But my numbness did not last long, a stabbing pain in my back and chest accompanied by a terrible sound woke me up.
I looked down and saw a small red clawed hand sticking out of my chest.
"Still worried about these useless bugs Micheal..." said a shrill, inhuman voice.
"LILITH DAMMIT!!!" this is the last thing I could hear as my vision darkened and a sense of exhaustion swept over me.
"AAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!!" ...PUFF...I plummeted into the void for what seemed like an interminable amount of time and all of a sudden I landed on a chair made of clouds.
"Forgive the transition, I am Archangel Metatron, no this is not a dream, yes you are really dead and yes this is what you humans call 'PARADISE'." Said a suave and commanding voice in a mechanical manner.
"FORGIVE THE TRANSITION!!!??" I shouted.
"I WAS PR..."
"Precipitating for about 3 hours I know, the time between earth and this dimension is different, you're about the ninth billionth soul to tell me that." He replied again in a recorded manner while continuing to turn his gaze towards his book.
At that point I noticed that the angel in front of me was the spitting image of 'Alan Rickman' in the movie 'Dogma'.
"Before you tell me who I look like, I'll let you know in advance that you humans see us angels in the form you are most familiar with and feel most comfortable with. So please don't describe me is very irritating."
"So let's see what we have here..." on the fine desk made from what looked like ivory appeared a gray scroll.
Metatron unrolled the document and frowned.
"O no...it's an 'DDI'..." He said in disgust putting a hand to his forehead to hold up his head.
'Oh holy Tyr I'm an DDI!!!...Wait what the hell does that mean?' I thought terrified.
I panicked thinking about all the possible bad things I have done in my life.
"Yes I admit I've let myself go a little bit lately, but I swear I quit smoking two years ago and lately I've been getting back into exercising and eating healthy!!! I already confessed to my parents that I stole the money from the drawer, not the cleaning lady! I had already paid back every penny with interest and I had to go all the way to that remote village in Peru to find Miss Carmen and apologise to her!!!!!" I said desperately trying to speak as fast as I could.
"Save this 'Chunck from Goonies' tantrum. Class 'DDI' means 'DIMENSIONAL DIPLOMATIC INCIDENT'...Father every powerful...I hope it's not him...phew," he took a moment.
"YOU OFFICIALLY HAVE THE RIGHT TO A LAWYER," he said aloud.
"OOOBJECTION!!!! My client is entitled to be compensated for the injustice done to him by Archangel Michael and Demon Princess Lilith!!! I want to recall the examples of the soul case number: 895694679, 1012394583, 1590909341..." A loud echo erupted with a familiar voice that made my eardrums jolt and whistle horribly, but there he was a Bob Odenkirk Saul Goodman Angel at my side listing meaningless numbers as if his life depended on it.
(several numbers later)
"Double BINGO," said Metatron, massaging his temples. With a snap of his fingers he silenced Saul.
"First of all, he's not your client yet, and secondly, you don't even know how or with what he wants to be compensated...calm down brother Seraphinus." Metatron snapped his fingers again.
"Ah fair point great brother Metatron...I request a moment to communicate with my potential client alone!" Seraphinus replied in a more relaxed and professional voice.
"Granted." Clap clap, with two claps of his hands 4 marble walls surrounded me and Seraphinus/Saul.
"Mr Matthew if you please, I should understand what you desire most." He touched my forehead gently with his index finger for a few seconds closing his eyes.
"I guarantee I can represent you to get the best possible result. I will fight tooth and nail, I will pour sweat and blood, I will fight with all the weapons at my disposal, I will be your vanguard, your light that will cut through the darkest darkness, your ship that will sail stormy oceans, your oasis in a sandy desert..."
(Countless metaphors later)
"I ACCEPT!!! You are hired angel Seraphinus!!!!!" I shouted.
'One more metaphor and I would have been sent to hell for 'Attempted Murder on God's Servant'.' I thought with my hands in my hair.
"Well thank you, but you should at least know my fee before accepting...I require a salary of one prayer every hour of service...but I could round it up..."
"One prayer an hour will do just fine, just tell me where to sign!" I interrupted him before suffering another marathon.
"Oh splendid, then here it is." A parchment and a floating pen appeared.
"Should you be reborn in another world, you only need to pray by quoting the listed words repeating the verses for 10 minutes in any sacred place, you can pay the amount within 10 years without interest. If he is unable to pray for: health reasons such as coma, dementia, brain damage, premature death..." I signed without reading the contract.
Seraphinus was slightly shocked by the gesture at first, but strangely enough I think he interpreted the act as total trust in him, instead of a more than justified 'Let's get this over with and now I'm going to have a nervous breakdown'. His chest heaved, his face expressed pride and determination and he exuded a fighting spirit that would have put Leonidas and the 300 to shame.
"'We are ready,' said the warrior lawyer.
In the blink of an eye I was teleported into a glass booth and sat in a soft armchair. What I saw in front of me completely shocked me.
A circular rammed earth arena with a radius of at least one kilometre with two tiny figures in the centre floating a few metres above the ground with their wings outstretched.
A screen appeared that clearly showed the two figures: Metatron and Seraphinus in full battle armour and armed.
Metatron: an ebony-coloured plate armour drenched from tip to toe in silvery symbols, a fire whip on his left hand and a black bastard sword spotted with tiny moving star lights.
Seraphinus: a very fine and detailed gold and platinum half plate armour, his non-steel clad shoulder and leg were filled with exquisite studded leather armour, he wielded a majestic silvery two handed hammer with humanly irreproducible definitions and details that expressed the word "divine" in every inch.
"Are you serious! You're unleashing 'The Hammer of Eternal Judgment' for a simple 'DDI' case?!" asked Metatron annoyed.
"I don't think the 'Sword of the Cosmos' is any less, and how can I repay the trust and respect shown to me by my client if I don't give my all to represent his interests! Also, I'd like to remind you when..."
"Forget it...Let's wrap this up as soon as possible." Metatron cut it short.
As I listened to every word as if it were only a few metres away, I began to feel a strong sense of guilt towards Seraphinus. With shining eyes I promised myself that in future I would never, ever interrupt my defence lawyer's sermons again.
'Should last for eons!' thought a naive boy who did not know what fate awaited him.
"Here and now I Metatron according to decree No. 86 of the year 10,023 after creation, proposed by our brother Gabriel and approved by the Great Father for the 'Procedure for the negotiation of two parties in conflict', declare the session open." As soon as he had finished speaking Metatron positioned himself on guard.
Seraphinus didn't hesitate for a second after the start, emitted a war roar comparable to that of 100,000 bloodthirsty soldiers, and charged towards his opponent.
And so the 'negotiations' of my compensation began...