Shit, shit, shit. My day is full of it. So am I. I've been holding it in. My guts clench the turds as they wriggle.
*Whack. Shlurp.
My rusty, shit-caked trovel scraps the wet horse manure. To the right, my pile grows mighty. I feel a sense of power only a horse shit scraper can feel.
"HAHAHAHAHA", I cackle as I raise my mighty trovel in the air.
"LUCAS!!", a firm, angry voice shouts from the entrance to the stables. "What in the 3 hells are you doing??"
I immediately drop my trovel, spinning around at attention. "Sir!", I manage to get out.
Before me, I see my lifelong mentor, dressed in a rich satin I've never seen before. Purple and gold seem to flow from his body, rumples feather out from his shoulders, his ribcage, and his thighs. He wears a deep black leather boot and has a purple beret on ornate with a golden feather. His face is mostly clean shaven but there is a customary patch remaining below his bottom lip.
I stumble more words out, "O-Oh, wow. You look suave." I flash him a grin. This does not seem to work.
With a fury he flicks his finger and I float helplessly over to him. He grabs me by the ear and begins dragging me immediately. I'm weightless.
Just as I start to get my bearings on this newfound way of existence. The sky. The ground. The sky. The ground. They just keep appearing. One after another. I must be spiraling through the air. I sure do hope I'm going to land somewhere soft.
Splash
The chill of the river rips through my body. I splash and gasp for air. Coughing I pull myself to the shore.
"What the absolute fuck was that for, Sir Kahlin." I glare up at my mentor who watches me with an utter disdain.
He spits back, "I see you still lack brain activity. I did hope the river would cure you of that ailment. Do you truly not remember?"
I take my time standing up. Hoping that I can remember something. I realize it is time to guess. Hmmmmmm. Finally, I say, "Time for my first magic lesson?"
Sir Kahlin mutters, "Dodge." A ball of flame and cinder begins to form in his palm. It greedily consumes air and doubles, then triples in size.
Shocked, I can barely get out, "Wha-?". Before the slightest motion of his wrist sends the scorching orb hurtling directly at me.
"MOTHERFUCKER", I scream. I throw myself out of the way. For a split moment the world seems to move slower, my body quicker. I kick off the ground and fly to the side. Am I stronger too? The fireball hurtles past me and is consumed by the river. The water gurgles and steams ingesting the heat and several cooked fish float to the top. The moment has passed now and I lay gasping. My leg aches, it feels like it was ripped from the inside, out.
I look angrily towards Sir Kahlin. I spit out, "What the actual hell is wrong with you. I could've died. I don't even know how I managed to dodge that. Are you fucking crazy. Have you lost it?"
My wise, wise mentor blankly stares at me. His hand pinching and pulling at the tuft of beard. His eyes narrow. His lips turn upward, pulling into an insidious smile. He croaks, "Good. Good. You could trick the greatest detective. But not me. Never me."
He extends a hand outward toward me. Hesitantly, I reach outward. He grasps my hand and pulls me upward. I stagger to my feet. I'm dazed, stunned. My world spins and it feels like everything is falling from beneath me.
I finally gain enough sense to ask questions. The first most vital one. "What in the 3 hells is going on, Sir?"
Sir Kahlin says, "Follow me."
We walk. I drip with water. We wind and twist through paths I did not know existed. Finally, a castle appears in the distance. Our destination. I look toward Sir Kahlin in confusion.
He answers immediately, as if he knew exactly what I was thinking, "Today is the day your life changes. It can never go back. Today you will begin serving the 3rd prince of our beautiful kingdom. You will be his Wizard."
I start to profess my confusion but Sir Kahlin immediately waves his hand wiping my words away. He states, "All will be answered in time. But for now, be patient."
But I've never even cast a spell. That fireball that was thrown, the levitation spell that dominated me. Things I didn't even know Sir Kahlin could do. I thought he was just a knight who got the unfortunate duty of looking after the city orphans.
Ah, curse the Lord of the Hells. My stomach gurgles. I need to shit.