“I got you some black coffee in the largest size they offered. It’s been a long time since we’ve been able to spend some time together in a coffee shop.”
Aoife gently pulled the wooden chair out from underneath the laminate tabletop that it rested under. The furnishings clashed, as if the designers of the shop had two different visions of the place and never thought to compromise. The stained wooden chair mixed with the laminate table brought straight from an 80s mall food court nagged at Aoife’s thoughts long after she had already sat down. They weren’t similar, but they were both nostalgic in their own ways. Each of the items held its own comforts and memories from the past. The more she looked around at the small coffee shop, the more she took note of disjointed decorations, and mismatched pictures.
“I don’t really like black coffee.” Aoife’s words drifted out of her mouth as she looked around the shop. She wasn’t even sure if Jen had heard what she said until a response came.
“I-I’m sorry. I thought that you always drank black coffee? I must have remembered wrong.”
“You didn’t misremember. I drank black coffee all the time when I was around you and dad. I don’t like it though.” Aoife admitted. Despite her very own words, however, she lifted the large styrofoam cup up to her lips and took a sip. It was uncomfortably hot, as all freshly brewed coffee was. “I drank it because dad drank it. I thought it would impress him for some stupid reason. Like if I followed in his footsteps it’d make him happy. I don’t even hate black coffee. It was just… there. I did it to seem mature, to be liked. Then it became an expectation. Wasn’t long before it became a habit.”
“Oh.” Jen looked at Aoife with a somber expression of confusion. She didn’t seem to fully understand what she was hearing, but she kept listening intently.
“I broke that habit two years ago when I realized we wouldn’t be drinking coffee together again. There wasn’t any point.”
“But we’re together now. We have another shot at things. What do you drink now?” Jen started to stand up from her chair. She even reached out for the large cup of black coffee that Aoife had cradled in her hands to warm them up after her walk through the cold outside.
“No, it’s fine. I don’t want this to go to waste. I’ll just go order my own thing.”
“I’ll take care of it, I promise. What do you drink?”
Aoife saw the softness in her step-mothers expression. A genuine offer to get her something new to replace the coffee she had presumptively ordered. It was kind and warm. It didn’t feel like Jen. Aoife’s stomach squirmed around with doubt, like a mouse attempting to wriggle away from a constricting snake. Everything about her behaviour felt out of place when juxtaposed with the memories from years ago. Aoife couldn’t tell if Jen had actually changed as a person, or if she was a better liar than Aoife had ever given her credit for.
“Honey lavender latte, if they can do that.”
Aoife studied her stepmother as she ordered at the counter. There was a small hope that if she noticed a kind of “slip up”, it would give her an excuse to leave. Cement the idea that Jen was just here to bring her back into the family to be exactly what she never wanted to be.
But there weren’t any slip ups. She ordered like she always did, with a cold detachment and a rehearsed smile upon completing the transaction.
“Honey lavender? Where did you pick that up from?” Jen asked politely as she sat back down in an identical stained wooden chair.
Aoife immediately flicked her eyes away from Jen. Weird memories came to the surface. Memories that Aoife was happy to forget about because they always filled her stomach with regret. “A relationship with a girl a few years ago. It didn’t work out, but she had me try her favorite latte one day and that kind of stuck.”
“Was this before? Before you… came out?” There was an odd emphasis on the words “come out”, as if Jen was afraid to say them. At least it sounded like fear to Aoife.
“Yeah… She uh- she actually knew. She helped me figure a lot of it out, but I sort of freaked out one day and-” Aoife felt a lump form in her throat that stopped her from continuing her words. Regret latched around her neck, tightening around her with a guilt that she tried to forget. “I freaked out on her and she left. It was probably for the best.”
“Don’t say that. You never know how things will work themselves out. There were times that I didn’t think I would be able to work with your father, but I’m glad we held together. I wouldn’t get to have this conversation if I gave up on that love.” Aoife let her mind wander into her childhood. She hadn’t remembered thinking that her dad and her step-mother might break up. With how much she wished for it, she surely would have remembered. They must have kept it out of her sight if that happened. “So maybe you should try to find that girl again. Especially now that you’ve been able to come out. You could try to rekindle something?”
“No. I think we’re both in very different places now. Emotionally at least. Who knows where she ended up. She talked about going to California. I wonder if she ever followed through on that dream.”
“Honey Lavender Latte!” An older lady from behind the counter shouted into the nearly empty cafe. There weren’t many people in the coffee shop that she would have to yell over, but perhaps it was simply a force of habit.
“I’ll grab it-”
Aoife was already starting to stand up after hearing her drink order called. “It’s fine. You already got up to place the order.” Aoife moved over to collect the smaller styrofoam cup from the counter. Presumably the lattes do not come in the same ridiculous size as the regular drip coffee. Next to the serving counter a framed photo caught Aoife’s eyes. It was a family photo, with not one, but two recognizable faces. The older lady that called out the order and the younger woman who was working the register currently. With a small smile pursed on her lips, Aoife walked back to sit with her step-mother again.
“Is there someone else?” Jen asked the question as Aoife sipped slowly on her latte. The question caused her to nearly spill some of her drink.
“Huh?”
“Well you seemed certain about not chasing after the girl. I thought it might be because you had someone else in mind.”
Aoife was shocked that Jen was even willing to approach this topic so flippantly. She hadn’t taken any of Aoife’s coming out well, so to be comfortable discussing her sapphic relations in a coffee shop? Aoife was shocked.
“...well there is this one girl.” Aoife couldn’t help but smile at the thought of her. “But things aren’t official yet.”
“But you hope they will be?” Jen smiled as she attempted to guess Aoife’s feelings.
“Maybe.” Aoife gave a coy smile. It felt weird to confide in Jen for anything romantic. She hadn’t done it since, well, ever. “As long as I don’t fuck it up like last time.” The puff of air that left Aoife’s mouth could be vaguely categorized as a laugh, intended to add some levity to the very real fears she had about becoming her own foil again. Get faster updates on novelping.com.
“What’s her name?”
Aoife mulled over some potential answers for a moment. She didn’t feel like telling Jen that the girl was named Owen. It would elicit more questions that Aoife didn’t have good answers to.
“She’s pretty wicked, that’s all you really need to know about her for now.”
“Well I hope I hear more about her soon. Maybe you could even tell your father about her when you talk with him?” Jen brought the conversation back to the anchor point that Aoife had been avoiding. They were here to discuss more than just coffee and relationships. They were here to talk about Peter Allanach.
“Yeah… Dad. I guess we should talk about him.” Aoife gently whispered, despite there being no one around them that could hear her anyway. Peter was a conversation topic that always brought up uncomfortable feelings. The kind of feelings you might have when flashed with blinding LED headlights on a car. Fear, and the compulsion to say something very rude to someone else. Aoife would never have guessed that she would be more comfortable talking with Jen than she would with Peter.
“Right. Again, I just want to thank you for meeting up with me in the first place. I know it must be hard for you to uproot so many unpleasant memories from the past.”
“Yeah yeah, I get it. Please stop dancing around the point and just say it. The more you avoid it the more paranoid I’ll get.”
Jen nodded and then went silent. Aoife fought the urge to chide Jen even more for delaying the news. “We’re not sure that he has long, Aoife. He is still recovering from the last stroke, but the doctors have warned us that he’s still at high risk for another. If that happens, he likely won’t be able to recover.”
Aoife let Jen’s words filter through her mind silently. Playing them back in her head, as if she could reshape the recent memory of what Jen had said to sound any better. “He’ll pull through.” They were the only words Aoife could think to say.
“I hope so.” Jen kindly replied, looking at Aoife with a sorrowful expression she couldn’t suppress.
“I know he will. I’ve seen a nail go through his hand while he was building our coffee table and he didn’t even make a noise. He just pulled it out and rushed towards his first aid kit. Besides, he still needs to give me that fucking apology.”
“I know. That’s what I’ve been trying to do with you, Aoife. I wanted to fix this family before…” Jen didn’t need to finish her sentence. The look that the two exchanged filled in all the context Aoife could ever need. “Does that mean you’ll come to see him? I was hoping that he could apologize for all of the terrible things he said.”
“It wasn’t just him.” Aoife gently bit the inside of her cheek. It was very close to becoming more than a gentle bite.
“I know, sweetheart. I’m sorry for the things I said. I really am.” It felt so very wrong to Aoife to be hearing those words. An apology from either parent was a rare thing. It felt too good to ever be able to believe that both parents would suddenly be willing to change their ways.
“Fuck. Fine.” Aoife chewed once more on the inside of her cheek. “I’ll meet with him.”
“That’s great! I believe they have some visiting hours tomorrow that could work in your schedule?”
“No I- I can’t do tomorrow.” Aoife quickly sputtered.
“Do you have something going on? We could do it earlier or later if that helps?” Jen tried her best to work around the amorphous constraints the Aoife had brought up.
“It’s not an event or anything, I just can’t. I don’t- I don’t really want to see him tomorrow. Or maybe even the next day. I just need time.”
“But I thought you said you’d meet up with him? Aoife, I just told you that he might not have much time left.” Jen leaned forward in her chair as she pleaded with her stepdaughter.
“Well maybe he shouldn’t have fucking waited until he was dying to give a shit about me!” The words had come out faster and louder than she had intended. They induced a very heavy silence in the cafe. Aoife felt like even if it was packed to the brim, she still would have silenced the entire establishment. Shame washed over her immediately. She hadn’t regretted her words, but she didn’t intend to lash out so intensely. The expression on Jen’s face was twisting in her gut. Maybe she did have a little regret about her choice of words.
“I understand. We’ll go at your pace then, sweetheart. Text me when you’re ready and we’ll go from there.” Jen suddenly stood up. Aoife did as well, but mostly to reach out towards her stepmother, who was already turning around to leave the cafe.
“You don’t have to leave! We could still talk about some other stuff!” Aoife’s hand grasped the edge of Jen’s sleeve. An action that immediately reminded her of the few times she had wrapped her small hands around Jen’s sleeve when she was younger and needed to be escorted through a public place.
“It seems like you need some space, and I don’t fault you for feeling that way. But I think I could also benefit from some space right now. If you don’t mind.” Jen’s voice still resonated with a kind smoothness. But it was clear to Aoife just how fragile that calm tone was at the moment. She let her hands slide pathetically back to her sides.
“Sure. I’ll text you in a bit.” Aoife watched as Jen simply nodded and left the cafe. Her heart ached with regret, so she let out deep breaths to soothe the pangs. Her legs wavered with sorrow, so she let them buckle to rest her limbs. She sat silently in her chair with a latte and a coffee placed unevenly on the table before her. The latte sat perfectly in line with the pattern of the table, resting within a thick line near the edge of the table. The large coffee, on the other hand, was sitting on the thick line itself. The small mismatch bothered Aoife more than she thought was reasonable. Yet she never sat forward in the chair to adjust the coffee.
Instead, she glared at it, as if it would take the hint and move itself under her scathing scrutiny. It never did. It took Aoife 15 minutes of staring before she finally sat up from her chair and took her drinks to-go.
* * * * *
[Mom: Don’t you have classes that evening?]
[Owen: nah i can make 5 work]
[Owen: yea but it’s just a lecture class and all of the powerpoints r online i can just look at it later]
[Mom: We don’t want you skipping any classes, Owen!]
[Owen: i got an A in that class rn you can stop worrying]
[Mom: Fine. You’re lucky that your father and I can’t make any other time work.]
[Owen: See you then?]
[Mom: See you then.]
Owen let her phone fall out of her hands and onto the bed that she was lying supine in. It was early. Owen had wanted to sleep in like she had on almost every Sunday morning, but the combination of Aoife leaving early in the morning, and her mom wanting to follow up on their phone call from the previous night had ensured she was more awake than she really wanted to be. She had already crossed the “point of no return” where she had been awake for long enough that going back to sleep was entirely out of the question. One might think it would be a good opportunity to make something of the day, but Owen was struggling to think of anything that could occupy her. Nothing sounded particularly appealing. Playing UMDK by herself after the incredible victory of the previous night felt hollow. Even the idea of putting on some makeup and clothes was dulled by the simple fact that she couldn’t do it with Aoife.
“Uh oh.” Owen mulled over her thoughts as she lay in bed. Everything seemed so unappealing and grey without the presence of Aoife. It led her, rather quickly, to a somewhat concerning conclusion. “Am I codependent?” Owen felt ridiculous for thinking so, given they hadn’t even made anything official. But she couldn’t deny the simple fact that all of her desires were wrapped up in an Aoife shaped box in her heart. She had all the time and freedom to do what she wanted this morning, but all she really wanted to do was be with Aoife. They could partner up to go to a paint drying museum for all she cared. As long as it was with Aoife, she’d be happy.
What an awful predicament then, to be alone in the dorm room.
[Owen: Hey just checkin in! I hope everything went well with your-]
The click at the door caused Owen to stop writing her text message. There was only one other person with a key to this dorm, making the message that she was in the middle of writing rather irrelevant. Owen shot up from her bed, the energy that she was lacking just seconds ago suddenly came back to her.
Aoife pushed open the door, holding her keys in one hand and an almost comically large coffee cup in the other hand. Her expression was melancholic at best as she moved into the room. With every step Aoife took into the room she became one step closer to breaking down in a fit of tears. Owen quickly moved towards the door to shut and lock it behind her, examining how Aoife seemed to be shedding the skin of normalcy that she maintained on her walk back to the dorm.
“Are you okay? Rough meeting?” Owen tried her best to maintain a playful attitude in hopes that it would begin to rub off on Aoife.
“Rough meeting. I think I fucked it.”
“Oh. What was it about?”
“My Dad is dying. Soon, most likely.” Aoife set her keys on her desk, moving her now free hand to the coffee as well to cup it tightly with both hands.
“I’m so sorry, Aoife.” It felt like such a hollow response to give, but Owen wasn’t sure what else to say. Any sort of sympathies offered felt like they would only come across as a cookie cutter response. “Are you still on bad terms with him?”
“Yeah. I don’t think dying makes someone any better either. He’s still the same Dad that disowned me.”
“That’s fair. Dying might not make him a better person. But it might have given him a new perspective? A new perspective could mean a lot. Maybe he’s been rethinking some mistakes and wants to fix them?”
Aoife looked at Owen with a frustrated expression. “Easy for you to say! It’s not like your family told you that you’re the biggest disappointment they’ve ever seen! Pardon me if I don’t think they’ll pull a 180 due to a fuckin’ stroke.”
Owen shrunk into herself. She hadn’t even realized how her words might sound to Aoife. Especially after whatever conversation she had just had with family. “I’m sorry. I know we’ve had some pretty different experiences with parents… I shouldn’t have inserted myself into all of that.”
“No it’s… it’s fine. I’m being a bitch right now and I know it. Everything is just pissing me off SO MUCH! Fuckin coffee cups mismatched on a table from a goddamn Chuch E Cheese. Endless promises of apologies from a pair of pricks that wouldn't dare apologize to a child that they fucked up!” Aoife’s hands had started shaking in her frustration. Owen could even hear the shakiness of her voice that suggested a certain proximity to tears. “It’s just everything! All the fucking time! I take one step forwards and then get kneecapped and shoved another five steps back. I felt fine last night! No, more than fine! I was happy last night! We beat their fuckin’ asses in practice and got to enjoy some froyo! Then the world has to humble me the very next day with a ticking time bomb until my deadbeat Dad has a deadbeat heartbeat!” Aoife’s outburst of frustration was growing by the second. It wasn’t hard for Owen to see the small wells of tears accumulating in her eyes. Owen wasn’t sure how to even approach calming her down. She was prepared to just wait out the height of her emotions and then comfort her when she was done venting her rage. Those plans changed when she noticed how tightly she was gripping the large cup of coffee in her hands.
“Hey- Aoife maybe you should-”
“I just want a break! I thought I was done with these people but they always find a way to fuck with me! I just wanna get away from them, I just wanna avoid all this fucking drama! But that fucker has to worm his way back into my life because he wants some sympathy on his deathbed?! Maybe I do want him dead!” Aoife tightened her grip around the cup. She had finally pushed the styrofoam to its limits, causing the lid to pop off of the top and spill the steaming coffee over fingers. “FUCK!” Aoife let out a strained yelp, choked up on the tears that now streamed down her cheeks. Owen was quick to lurch forward and snatch the cup of coffee from Aoife as she let go of it. She set the coffee on Aoife’s desk so that she could turn her focus back towards her roommate. Aoife was in the middle of letting loose a long string of swears as she shook her hands and used her shirt to wipe the hot liquid off of her skin.
Owen moved towards Aoife to grasp her hands and blow cool air across her fingers. She had no way of knowing if it was even slightly effective, but she was determined to help in any way that she could.
“It feels like everything is falling apart around me! I just want some kind of autonomy in my own fuckin’ life!” Aoife barely noticed Owen’s breath trailing across her fingers. She was much more occupied by the sensation of Owen’s touch. “I just want some fucking control!!!” Aoife choked her way through her words, putting so much emphasis in her tearful shout that her voice cracked horribly while saying it. Aoife did her best to blink away the blurry tears that were obstructing her vision, only to find that Owen’s face was only inches away from her own. There was an almost nauseating amount of concern and care in Owen’s eyes. Aoife’s chest ached from the confusing mixture of feelings that swirled through her body. She couldn’t begin to fathom why Owen was so unconditionally supportive and kind to her. Aoife stared deep into her roommate's glossy eyes through the distorted blur of her tears and could only see a willingness to do whatever it takes to help within Owen’s eyes. A thought began to creep into her mind as they locked eyes in silence.
Unbeknownst to Aoife, Owen had already begun to consider the very same thought. It only took nine words from Owen for the two to settle on the same wavelength.
“If you need some control, you can have it.”
In only two seconds the sensation of burnt fingers had been superseded in Aoife’s mind by the sensation of soft lips pressing against each other. The taste of honey and lavender danced across Owen’s tongue, a new favorite.