“You’ll get used to it,” Blaise took one of Hermione’s hands from across the table and patted it.
“I have a feeling you’re getting sucked into Hari’s orbit.
Reality has only a vague relationship with him and we’re on the outskirts of it.”
“So lessons tonight,” said Hari.
“School work can wait.”
“No it can’t!”
“Wasn’t a request.”
“You’re being awfully bossy today,” commented Daphne.
“Normally I don’t care enough.
But I’m going to be teaching Granger wandless magic.” He looked over at Hermione.
“Once I break you of your habit of thinking books are all-knowing.”
X
X
Hermione woke in her unfamiliar bed to Hari’s face two inches from hers.
Her shriek was muffled by his hand.
It took her a minute to get her bearings and realize she was in her new bed in her new room in her new house, courtesy of Harry Potter.
For some reason, his housemates all called him “Hari” if they called him anything other than muttered complaints.
“Common room in two minutes,” he ordered.
Then he was gone.
She decided it was a bad dream and rolled over.
Two minutes later, her ankle was locked in a vise grip and she was dragged from her bed, down a hall, and into the Slytherin common room.
She came to a halt, face stinging from its travel over a carpet, a stone corridor, and another carpet.
“Up we get.” Hari’s voice was amused.
Hermione sat up, clutching her nightclothes around her.
“Am I going to find myself being mocked?” she growled.
“Nah.” Hari was seated on the ground by the warm embers of the fire.
“But you will be learning.” He held up her wand.
“Without this.”
“Give that back!”
“Do you know what it is?”
“Well yes,” admitted Hari.
“But do you know what a wand is?”
Hermione stopped her scramble, and entered into her discursive mode.
“Vinewood and dragon heartstring.
In the more general, a wand is a magical focus for much of the European magical community going back to the Roman conquest of the British Isles.”
“Close.” Hari smirked.
“It’s a symbol for a man’s penis.” He pointed to the wand.
“It’s a giant facsimile for the male genitalia.
Grasping it is like grasping your magical cock and stroking it until magic ejaculates out the end.
So tell me, Granger, I know you’re a deviant, but do you want to be giving handjobs to your magic?
Or do you want to learn to cast without a wand instead?”
Hermione’s eyes were wide and her mouth was working, trying to get sound to come out.
Finally, she managed.
“WHAT?”
“Fine, fine,” Hari said.
“Let’s set aside your sexual fantasies.
Do you want to be holding a dick every time you cast a spell?” He was snickering.
“Here, let me make it easier.” The wood flowed and shifted until it was shaped like a graphically accurate dildo.
“This is a wand, Granger.
Do you want it back?” He tossed it to her and watched as she dodged instead.
“No?
Good.
Let’s begin.” Her wand shifted back into its normal shape.
“Sit.”
Hermione glared at him.
Then, slowly, she sat.
“I know you have a photographic memory, so whenever you think of using your wand, just remember what it’s been.” Hari smiled.
“Good.
Now, first thing I have to do is show you that books are wrong.”
Hermione sighed.
She’d been through too much in the last two days to bother keeping any remaining secrets from this crazy boy.
“It’s because of my memory. New chapters come out on g.com first.
I remember every book I’ve read.
What’s the point of having them in my head if they’re not right?”
“You grew up normal, right?” Hari asked.
“If by ‘normal’ you mean ‘without magic’, yes.”
“Right, well I was doing some reading recently.
And I came across some history books.
You’ve studied science, right?” She nodded.
“So tell me, how many things that were known turned out to be completely wrong in every respect.” He watched as she mumbled to herself for almost five minutes.
“I wasn’t asking for a list, Granger.” He smiled at her blush.
“Can we say it’s a non-zero number?
Good.
So let’s accept that magical books are similar.”
Hermione looked down.
“So they’re all wrong?”
“Well, I’m not sure about the Potions books.
Just the stuff about needing wands, really.” He pointed to a pebble on the carpet.
“Levitate that.
If you haven’t managed it, I’m going to whack you with your wand.” He smirked at her shudder.
“Good.
Begin.”
It was the strangest week of Hermione’s life so far.
That included the week in which she found out that she was a witch and went shopping in a district that was still cobbled and had a bank run by Goblins.
In spite of the strangeness of Hogwarts in general, somehow Harry Potter managed to outstrip it all.
She spent several hours that first night getting whacked on the head with her wand, which did nothing but gross her out.
And then her sleep wasn’t exactly restful because for some reason (she couldn’t think why) her dreams kept being plagued by strange boys hitting her with penises—odd that.
Hermione was grateful that Blaise had apparently decided to adopt her, since she would have been horribly lost trying to find the Great Hall in time for breakfast.
She had just about learned her way from the tower, but this had absolutely nothing in common with that path.
“You waited for me?” she asked him as he walked her through a solid wall that turned out not to be.
“Yes.” He turned around in a circle and then opened a door and stepped out onto a landing she’d never seen before that had only a staircase going up.
She could see over the edge of the rails down to the entrance hall a hundred feet below.