“-but that’s why I plan on dropping his class as soon as possible.” Vyra had been talking to me about her conjuration professor, and his long history of insensitive comments about different races. It wasn’t unheard of at Varenthell, what with the royals and stuck up children of rich parents, but unwelcome regardless. The majority of students were human, or half-human. There were certainly some students that pushed those boundaries, we had some elf students, some dwarven students, and even a couple dragonkin. The subject of her professors' rants were demons, today. They were discussing the origins of flame magic, and how the incantations found their roots in the infernal language of demons. Then, as usual for the professor, he was sidetracked into discussing the different types of demons, supposedly describing them in less than favorable language. There were many different classifications of demons, but all of them were subject to distasteful prejudice in my readings.
“I can see why. I’ve heard some of the things he’s said from other students.”
“I just don’t understand how a professor is allowed to label groups of people as ‘primitive beasts’ when we have clear evidence that they are intelligent beings with their own civilizations!” Vyra had always been an incredible advocate for people that could not advocate for themselves. Every time the opportunity arose, she was the very first in line to point out people’s prejudice. I wish I had her bravery.
We were in our usual spot, Vyra’s dorm room, as it was the only place I was comfortable being Ester. We had gotten into the rhythm of retreating to the privacy of her room whenever the two of us had finished classes. Even if she was sometimes busy, she would still do my makeup and let me hang out in her room while she studied. Eventually, she even taught me how to apply my own makeup and her spare uniform essentially became mine. This routine had gone on for about 2 months at this point.
“Ester, I’m heading out to get some dinner, you wanna come?”
She usually went out to grab dinner for the both of us to bring back to our rooms. The change of plans took me a second to even process.
“Huh? I-I don’t really want to stop being Ester just yet.”
“I know. I’m saying why don’t you just come with me like that?”
Her novel idea turned the blood in my veins to ice. The only time Ester left the room was for Florimancy, that’s the only reason she existed.
“No! I-I can’t leave like this!”
Vyra watched me like she was balancing on a tightrope. I could almost see her internal monologue playing behind her eyes, the side of her that wanted to handle me with care and the side of her that grew tired of my cowardice.
“Why not?”
“I know the guys out there! If any of them recognize me-“
“What do they have to recognize, Ester? You look like a whole new person! You’ve grown your hair out, you’ve got makeup on, and for gods sake you smile! If they recognize you, then they’ll be able to see how much happier you are.”
“I can’t! It’s fine when it’s you and me, but I can’t be around others. If they see through the illusion I’m worried I won’t be able to believe it anymore.”
“What about it is an illusion, Ester?”
I couldn’t answer. I was caught trying to form words in my mouth, but no matter how much I tried, nothing could culminate into sounds, leaving me silently opening and closing my mouth.
“I’m sorry, I just can’t. I don’t want to lose this, and I can’t lose this if no one finds out about it.”
Vyra cut herself off before she responded, instead opting to move towards me and pull me into a tight hug.
“Ok. We’ll wait until you’re ready.”
The next week, the academy was the center of a sprawling mess of bureaucracy that descended upon the halls like a thick layer of snow. A student had been found dead, and according to the investigators, they had been sacrificed in a demonic ritual within the very walls of the academy.
Rumors spread through the academy like a virus, every single student you talked to would tell you their own version of events. But one thing was mentioned in most accounts of the murder, no matter the source. The murder was committed by a demon, and that demon was in Varenthell. What did that mean for the student life? Well, the presence of guards was heavily increased, students were being summoned for one on one ‘interviews’ that were just interrogations about their identities. The worst for me was a strict curfew.
It meant the opportunities to be Ester were getting fewer and fewer with each passing day. I started to become restless, sometimes going days without being able to hang out with Vyra. I started to do my own makeup in my room just to take the edge off of the incredible weight of discomfort that writhed under my skin.
One day after my classes, I made my way to Vyra’s dorm room. I knocked, there was no response. Eventually, I turned the knob and found she left her room unlocked.
“Vyra? Did you fall asleep?”
I stepped into the cozy dorm room, and it’s warmth immediately eased my tensions. Vyra’s room had become a far more comfortable place than my own, and it wasn’t an exaggeration at all to say it was the place I felt safest in the entire world. Vyra was nowhere to be seen in the soothing space, but on her desk sat a small box with a bow on top. Aside from the box lay a letter.
‘For Ester,
You’re probably the only person who would come into my room, so I’m assuming that it’s you reading this note. If you aren’t Ester, then what the fuck are you doing in my room, get out. As for you Ester, I’m sorry I’m not here right now. A family emergency came up, and I’m really not sure when I’ll be back. Hopefully it isn’t long at all. But since I’ll be gone, I figured you want some of this. In the box is your uniform, you should probably take it in case I’m gone for a while. I also left something else in there for you. I’ll be back as soon as I can.
With Love,
Vyra Thrusal’
My eyes were already collecting moisture, but I did my best not to cry thinking about how hard it would be to make it through classes. She was my only real friend, and more than that she was the only that even knew the better side of me.
I opened the box to see her uniform that she gave to me neatly folded inside, complete with some of her own makeup that she included. On top of the uniform sat a beautiful rose that faintly glowed with magic. A small note was wrapped onto the top of the flower.
‘Told you I’d figure out the spell. Love ya, bookworm.’
The dam broke. I cried the rest of the night on the floor of her room.
I was distinctly unsurprised to find I awoke crying. It was becoming so common I began to wonder how dehydration worked for a Deathless. I suppose if it hadn’t happened yet, maybe it wouldn't be a problem.
I crawled out from under my blanket and moved to my armoire to get dressed. I debated trying to go back to sleep, but I could hear noises coming from outside of my room, so I knew it wouldn’t last long before I’d get some awful surprise to wake me up from one of them. Phern, probably. My eyes caught my reflection in the mirror as I walked towards the armoire.
That wasn’t right.
I stared into the mirror, looking at my reflection with scrunched eyes. First, my hair was way longer than it had been just 3 days earlier, far more than could have been natural growth. My messy head of hair usually only covered my ears, but now it gently rested on my shoulders, a little past, even. Second, my face looked different, like it was somehow… softer? The wanted poster might not have been as inaccurate as I thought. It wasn’t apparently feminine, but it certainly wasn’t inherently masculine either. The third thing, I discovered once I had begun to change. Phern had told each of us that the armoires had plenty of random clothing we could choose from if we wanted to change. The pants and blouse I wore previously was in terrible shape, not to mentioned soaked in sweat and blood from who knows how many people. I had gotten rid of the strange fabric bindings I had woken up with as well, but as I unwrapped the bindings, I noticed something odd. My chest was sore, but as far as I could tell, I hadn’t received any injuries, or developed any bruising. I felt along my chest to identify what felt sore before I gasped in realization.
‘It took you four days, human. Four entire days to realize your body was changing. Do you have no awareness of the form you possess?’
I try not to be aware of it, actually.
‘You are strange.’
Why is this happening to me? Did you do this?
‘No, but I admit, I wish I could take credit for it. You and I have merged into one due to your mishap and murder of me in the ritual.’
You killed me first!
‘Irrelevant. Imagine our two souls on the opposite ends of a spectrum. This form was created on your side of the spectrum, but our body seeks equilibrium, meaning it will begin to change in order to reach a central point between the two of us.’
How do I stop it?
‘Oh my dear little morsel, there is no stopping it. As long as we exist together, you will become more and more like me. I suppose you could try to slow it if you were desperate, but that would mean avoiding using mana. No magic, no regeneration, nothing. I suspect the accelerated changes were due to how much mana you used within the manor.’
Shit. I was losing yet another part of myself to this curse. Will I even recognize myself when I get back to Varenthell?
‘If it makes you feel any better, I think you look better this way. Maybe that’s vain, you are becoming me after all.’
It doesn’t make me feel better! I mean the changes are… fine. But if my body can change, who’s to say my mind won’t change as well. Will I even be Xavier in a month? Will I just fully become one of them?
‘Them? For fuck’s sake, fledgling, you are one of us now. If you want to stay with humans, go put yourself back in a collar in Markus’ manor. That’s where they want you.’
I had no response for Lilith. Soon after our mental link went silent. Good. I silently rummaged through piles of clothes until I found a pair of black pants and a red blouse. I wasn’t that surprised to find that only women’s clothing was stuffed in the armoire, given that Cecelia and Phern were the only two that stayed in the tent until recently.
“Ah, there he is! We were just talking about you!” Phern waved me over to the incredibly small table. There were four chairs positioned around it awkwardly. It would have been perfect for a group of friends without knees to bash into each other under the table, but considering my astounding presence of knees, I opted not to squeeze into the tight fit of the table.
“Should I be concerned?”
“No, not at all. They were just telling me about your rare circumstance of being reborn as a Deathless. I imagine it’s strange to be thrust into a completely different species without all of the instincts to tell you what to do.” Sebil was getting along well with everyone it seemed. The smooth charisma that surrounded him like the oil splotches on his cheek made it easy to make friends.
“I’ve got some of the instincts alright.” As if on cue, my stomach growled.
“About that, bandit. We don’t exactly have much in the way of meat here in the tent. It looks like you’re going to have to hunt your food the old fashioned way.” Cecelia spoke with her standard calm tone.
“Oh. Okay.” I wasn’t incredibly surprised that they didn’t have meat in the tent. Something like that being kept in the tent would just be a recipe for a rancid night of sleep and a swarm of flies to sing you a bedtime lullaby. The idea of hunting something was weird. An animalistic instinct within me rejoiced at the idea of a hunt, but the human half of me didn’t even know where to begin. I had never hunted anything before in my life, and I knew there was only so much that animal instinct could do to help me.
“Don’t go overthinking on me, already, I’m coming with you.” Cecelia interrupted my thoughts just as I was about to start analyzing strategies, something which gave me pause. She pays more attention to me then she lets on if she already began to notice when I got too into my own head. The only other person who was that good at noticing was Vyra, and she- nevermind.
“Can I ask why?”
“Oh come on. Do you expect me to believe that you’ve hunted before? Before you say anything, reading about hunting is not the same thing. I’m going to help you because we don’t have all day to wait for you to get breakfast.”
“That’s… yeah, sure.” I didn’t see any point in arguing about it. Obviously she knew more than I did, and I didn’t exactly want to wait for my meal either, the hunger was starting to press into the edge of my mind. I could feel the weight that was placed on eating as a Deathless. When I was full and sated, I felt better than any human could ever possibly feel, like whatever food chain existed, I could tear through the entire thing. But when I was starving, I was leashed to my needs. The only thing I can think about is ripping something apart chunk by chunk and gorging myself sick.
“Good. Then let’s go. Sebil, Phern, have things ready to go by the time we’re back. We might make it to Thrum tonight if we keep a good pace.” I was surprised at how effortless leadership seemed to be for Cecelia. Prior experience maybe? Or perhaps it was an immense confidence that appeared unshakeable.
Cecelia was insistent that we not waste time, so we left immediately, walking out into the forest in the opposite direction of the main road. The forest here was fairly spread out unlike the densely packed woods of Multon.
“You’re a scholar, and even more, you’re a creature made to hunt. I expect you to learn fast, bandit.”
“Why do you still call me bandit? It feels like you’ve really committed to it even though you know my name.”
“Because you flinch when people say your name. I also enjoy a good nickname, but that’s secondary.”
I was stunned. How noticeable had it been? Was she just perceptive? Or was I a bigger mess than I imagined?
“I can tell there’s a reason, but I didn’t think you’d want to tell me, so I never asked.”
“Oh.”
“Do you want to tell me?”
“I-I. I don’t think I can. But thank you. For calling me bandit, I mean.”
She smiled, like she already knew the answer before I had spoken. Despite that, she didn’t seem upset when I refused to explain. “No problem, bandit.”
“So how do we do this? Do I just find something and jump on it?”
“Oh, honey.” She looked like she had just been told the most unbelievable thing, but I simply shrugged at her. “No. You’re a beast of prey. This should feel natural once I give you the first push. On your knees.”
I blushed a bright red and immediately began investigating the intricate details of the dirt beneath me to avoid looking at her. The dirt, unsurprisingly, looked like dirt. “M-my knees?”
“Yes, that’s what I said. Hop to it.”
I dropped to my knees, keeping my eyes locked on the ground beneath me. This was not at all how I expected my day to go. Cecelia lowered herself to her knees in front of me, and we sat only a foot apart.
“Okay. I speak from experience when I say that a Deathless’ sense of smell is one of the most terrifying tools in their arsenal. I suspect you haven’t been utilizing it whatsoever. Is that correct?”
Smell? Yeah, I can’t say I’ve been paying much attention. I knew I could smell things a bit better, but I had never truly paid attention to it.
“Yeah. I haven’t thought about it much.”
“Well then, I’m going to show you just how much you’ve been missing out on, bandit. Let’s awaken that sense of smell. Let’s start small. Close your eyes, and do your best to block out your other sense. I don’t want you to listen, touch, or taste a goddamn thing when you start. Reach out to your environment.”
Once Cecelia had stopped talking, I did my best to follow her orders. Turns out that blocking out other senses was much harder than I thought. It was one of those things like breathing, where when you became aware of it, it was infinitely harder to stop paying attention to it. The act of ignoring almost invited more attention.
Eventually, I managed it. The results were something entirely unexpected. Like a textured canvas had been unrolled beneath me, and I could touch and feel each part of the canvas at the same time. All around me I could discern the scents of creatures in visceral detail, along with their exact location. Far beyond a human’s sense of smell, this was almost like an entirely new sight. I couldn’t help but to let out a laugh purely out of excitement.
“Sounds like it’s clicked. Looks like it too, eh button nose?”
Cecelia let out a laugh and pointed at my face. I moved a few fingers to my face to feel that my nose had changed to that of a leathery black nose that was slightly moist. Oh my god. Was that permanent? I panicked and tried to will it away, hoping that thoughts had something to do with the way that it manifested. It seemed I was right as it quickly shifted back to a human nose.
“Awww, bummer. I thought it was cute.”
I blushed again as a tingle of joy ran its way down my spine. My brain must have misfired an emotional response.
“Next up, me. You were smelling everything that was around you, but now I want you to focus on one specific thing. A Deathless has an absurd amount of details that can be identified through scent alone. I want you to get a complete scent profile of me, so that you know what it’s like.”
“You want me to… smell you?”
“Fucks sake, don’t make it weird, hop to it.”
She didn’t seem like she would take no for an answer, so despite my reluctant embarrassment, I closed my eyes and shut off my other senses. I could immediately understand what she meant earlier by closing myself to the world in all but scent. Before me sat Cecelia, or at least, what I knew to be Cecelia. She was an amorphous amalgam of colors and textures that ebbed and flowed around a vague outline of her body. It wouldn’t have been right to say that I ‘saw’ her, more that I ‘felt’ her, I could see a beautiful swirl of unique scents coated and slicked with the scents of the environment. At her core, was a shivering mass of auburn with flecks of burning ash muddled into the overall scent of a warm campfire. Wrapped around her core in thin layers were temporary scents, the strong spice that no doubt came from Phern’s pungent tent, a metallic flavor of blood that arose from the slaughter in the manor. I could understand what Cecelia was trying to tell me about being able to sense a ‘profile’ of someone down to the discreet minutia. Her scent was enticing, like there was a charred regret for something lost, and a bitter longing to undo wrongs. More than anything, she overwhelmed my olfactory senses with comfort unmatched. Like I was a child returning to the warmth of home after playing outside for far too long in the cold. A sweetness with an edge of bitterness that-
“I think you’ve got it already, bandit.”
I opened my eyes to find I had moved. I was on my hands and knees leaning head into the crook of her neck. We were close enough to feel her breath on the side of my neck. I flung myself backwards with wild abandon, the red stain of blush splattered across my cheeks.
“I’m sorry! Ididntknowiwasmovingimsorry-”
“It’s fine, quit freaking out, bandit.” Cecelia cut me off quickly. She didn’t seem nearly as phased as I had been, in fact, it almost looked like she was holding back a smile on the edges of her lips.
“Obviously you’ve got your new olfactory sense kickstarted, so let’s use that to find yourself breakfast so we can get back, yeah?”
I nodded, closing my eyes once more to focus. I ignored the enticing pull of Cecelia’s core, instead attempting to spread my ‘vision’ out in all directions, hoping to pick up on something large enough to sate my growing desires. Thankfully, it didn’t take long at all to pick up on the scent of a creature. I focused on the unique soup of scents floating in the space of the being and opened my eyes, to my surprise, I could feel a pull towards the animal.
“Gods this is strange. I keep feeling like I’ve done these things thousands of times before, but I know I haven’t.”
“You’ve got a lot to get used to. I’m sure you’ve got it in you to learn. That’s what you’re good at, right?”
“I guess.”
We made our way towards the strange pulling sensation I had. Once we got closer, Cecelia explained ways to keep quiet to avoid alerting the prey. I tried to follow her instructions to the best of my ability, keeping low to the ground and carefully stepping into clear spots to avoid rustling leaves or snapping twigs. As I approached, I spotted the lone caritune, a four legged animal with spiraled horns that became more erratically spiraled as they went. They were common animals across all of Kistram, so I had seen my fair share of them in the north.
The closer I stalked my prey, the more I seemed entranced by it. Claws had formed at the tips of my fingers before I noticed, and I felt like I could hear the delicious blood thrumming its way through the veins of the caritune. Breakfast.
Once I had made enough distance towards my prey, I launched into a sprint. The chase that ensued was expedited by a stumble from the creature as it turned to run, and before it could build any momentum, my teeth wrapped around the caritune’s neck like a vice. I might have been hungry, but I was not cruel. I twisted quickly to snap the poor thing's neck, and let the limp beast drop to the ground. I wasted no time whatsoever sinking my claws into the side of the creature to release the organs from their tantalizing visceral clump. I was utterly absorbed in my meal, relishing in some of the only fresh meat I had been able to stomach since Greg.
A branch snapped behind me, and I whirled around with a gargled hiss. Who would d a r e interrupt me?!
“It’s just me, bandit. Relax”
Oh. It was Cecelia. I might have gotten a little carried away. She stood nearby watching me with mild disgust as I ripped meat from tendons with my teeth. I was surprised she could stomach it at all, if I was being honest. Had my new nature not shifted my appetite, this sight would have caused me to empty my stomach in record time. After a few minutes of feasting, I had my fill and looked to Cecelia with a smile. It was perhaps the first time I had felt truly full, as my clergyman buffet was cut short by my initial disgust at having to eat a human.
“Eugh, how you manage horrifying and cute with one smile is disturbing.”
Cute?
“We’re going to be washing a lot of clothes with you around, it seems.” Cecelia gestured to her own shirt, and then pointed at mine. It looked like a wild animal had shredded the caritune and splattered blood all along my clothes. In a way, I suppose that was exactly what had happened.
“Sorry. I kind of just eat without thinking.”
“Maybe we can teach you some manners then, button nose. Let’s get back to the tent.”
I smiled and let out a laugh at her suggestion. She had such a blasé attitude about the most disturbing things. It was nice to be around someone that didn’t look at my actions with disgust, my appearance as monstrous, and the secrets I held with caution.
“Sounds good. Let’s get back-” a whistling screech ripped through the air behind us. I stopped to turn as a white hot pain erupted in my chest. I looked down to see the golden glow of a conjured greatsword jutting out from my sternum. I knew this magic, it was the same magic the Marked had defeated Cecelia with at the church.
“BANDIT!” Cecelia screamed out towards me with a desperation I’d yet to see her display. She had unlatched the circular device into a blade with frightening speed as she ran towards me.
She looked so scared, but I couldn’t understand why. I had just eaten, it would take more than a single stab to keep me down, right?
Then it clicked. Holy magic. Difficult to heal. This sword was in my heart.
With a look of dazed confusion, my senses slipped from my grasp, and I was out before I felt the ground.