How does one usually break off a fifteen-minute make out session? Is the answer:
A) Politely pull away and say “thank you for coming.”
B) Stop suddenly and say “I’m hungry let's go eat.”
C) Wait until it reaches a natural end and change topics.
D) Kiss passionately enough to fall onto a severed pinkie finger.
I didn’t want it to be option D, but it’s not like I meant for it to happen.
“Oh, ew!” Cecelia squirmed away from me and the finger on the floor of the dojo. “You gotta throw shit like that away if you’re gonna lose fingers! I don’t wanna see your blood digits lying around the estate!”
“I-I wasn’t gonna leave it lying around! You distracted me!”
“Just bury it in the garden or something, bandit.” Cecelia rolled her eyes at me, which told me everything I needed to know about the fact that she wasn’t so much annoyed as she was using the opportunity to tease me. Figures.
“Oh.” Cecelia paused and turned to me, her face softening as she did so. “I wanted to ask after that story and everything. Are you gonna tell the rest of them, Ester?”
Blood. Charred bedroom. A limp red hand, wrapped in mine. Pain.
The name. It twisted a mixture of euphoria and painful memories through my heart and made me visibly wince. I could tell instantly that Cecelia had noticed the reaction when she raised her eyebrow.
“C-can we wait on the name? It uh- It’s got a lot of memories attached to it that I’m still working through.” I knew the blood that burned in my nose was from a memory, the crystalized ring of blood on the ground had a different scent entirely.
“Oh…okay. What do I do in the meantime then? You don’t want me to use…?” Her words lingered in the air, the hesitation making it clear she didn’t want to finish the sentence. I didn’t want her to finish it either.
“No, no. I’d rather not hear Xavier anymore if I can help it. I want to lay him to rest. Maybe we just avoid names for a bit?” I gave her an awkward smile. I knew it was a lot to ask for. When Vyra had to avoid my name for an uncomfortable two weeks, she had taken to calling me all sorts of things to fill the void.
“Sure thing, bandit.” She shot me a tender smile.
The amount that things had changed in such a short time. Just over a week ago I resented the way she had called me a bandit. It felt like a slight against my character that I couldn’t seem to shake no matter what I did. Now, it blanketed me comfortably in the absence of a name.
“You gonna tell the rest of them?”
I squirmed. “I know that I have to. I just don’t know what to say. I haven’t even figured out what I want just yet.”
It was true. It was strange enough for me to have shared that part of myself with someone else. It was even more strange for me to not feel an ever pulsing dagger of guilt in my heart at the idea of wanting to be a woman. I didn’t feel like I was brave enough to make the leap from hating myself with a burning passion straight into accepting myself to the fullest. That leap felt like an impossible one, with a chasm of repression lying on the bottom if I messed it up.
It was my life, however. I could do with it what I pleased. Even though that felt incredibly wrong to even think with how many years I had tied myself to the whims and expectations of others. If I wanted to take it slow, then by Gods I would take it slow.
“Let’s just keep it between us for now. I need a little time.”
I couldn’t ignore the memories that ignited at the prospect of sharing Ester with only one other person while the rest of the world was unaware. I had to tell myself it wasn’t forever. I would be brave enough to take that step, the step I had been one day away from before…
“Of course. It’ll be just between the two of us, bandit. For now. I’ll be damned if I let you repeat the mistakes in your past that you just told me about.”
“Right, yeah.” I smiled.
“I’m gonna be in the temple if you need me, bandit.” Cecelia gave me a tender smile, something which I doubted I would ever get tired of seeing. “Don’t forget to get rid of that finger, I don’t wanna accidentally step on it.”
“Right! I’m on it! I’ll talk to you later?” She nodded. Grinning ear to ear, I let myself feel relaxed for the first time in a while.
I picked up the severed pinkie finger that lay on the dojo floor and carried it out to the courtyard. The idea of digging a small hole to bury my own finger like a dog that wanted to preserve a secret for itself later was a little humiliating. But Cecelia had a point, it would only be more awkward to leave it rotting on the floor. I found a nice patch of earth in the courtyard and started to dig, shifting my hands into claws to make the action easier.
‘Did you know that in Deathless culture, shed appendages are a sign of pride. They are not blemishes to hide in the earth.’
Pride? Do you just leave arms strewn about the ground?
‘They are signs of a worthy hunt. A battle well fought.’
There wasn’t a battle though. I just sliced my own finger off because you told me to.
‘You are weak enough that I would celebrate every battle you win, fledgling. Even if it is a battle against your own finger.’
Oh fuck off. Do you ever get tired of being a bitch full time?
‘I live for it, little morsel.’
Once a hole had been created deep enough to hold the small finger, I set it inside without any ceremony and covered it quickly. This whole affair was embarrassing, I didn’t want to be caught giving a burial to my own finger like a sentimental hack.
“What on earth are you up to, love?” Sebil’s voice made me jolt in surprise.
‘Filthy disgusting vile traitorous piece of-’
Lilith’s insults continued in my mind as I spoke.
“Oh! Uh. Okay. So I know this looks a little weird but-” I fumbled around with my words, thinking of anything that might sound a little bit better than ‘I’m burying my pinkie finger don’t mind me’.
“If I told you I was doing nothing would you believe me?” I asked, hoping I was in charitable company today.
“Is this an urge from your new Deathless nature?” Sebil asked with a quizzical expression. It seemed as though he was only moments away from pulling out a notepad to start notating his discoveries. “...digging holes in the earth? Do you believe it’s a hoarding instinct?”
“N-No! I’m not a fuckin’ squirrel, Sebil!”
“I didn’t mean to rile you up, love. I’m making observations, that’s all.”
“I Just- I cut off my finger in the dojo, okay?”
“Please don’t tell me you were using untrained weapons in an unsupervised manner. I believe Cecelia is expertly trained in all of the dojo’s arsenal if you want to learn.” I was almost amazed in the manner that Sebil conducted himself. He truly embodied the ideal scientist, like the very words he spoke were something I might have read in my studies. I needed to remember to discuss some influential books on the study of electricity, given my special interest in the subject two years ago and his clear expertise in the field.
“Wha-? No, I wasn’t- I cut off my finger on purpose!”
“Pardon?”
Right, so maybe I should have explained first before sounding even more unhinged.
‘You would fit right in with that solipsistic pest.’
“Blood magic. That’s why I cut off my finger, I mean.”
Sebil’s expression shifted in a way that gave me pause. I could see a variety of thoughts mixing together in his mind like his very own titration was taking place in his skull. With an edge of hesitation, Sebil asked me a question.
“You have blood magic, love? Or you were trying to see if you did?”
An odd distinction to make, I thought.
“I have blood magic. Is that a problem, Partillo?”
“No! Not at all, love. It’s just peculiar. I’ve only ever met one other Deathless with that affinity. She was… fierce.”
‘That’s me, little morsel! The bastard speaks of me! I hope he shits himself when he remembers me. Ask him if he shits himself!’
Absolutely not, Lilith.
“One other? Is it that rare?”
‘Yes!’
“I would think so, love.”
‘You would think so because it is, you oil slicked manthing!’
Carrying on a conversation while Lilith raged in the back of mind was like trying to write an scholarly essay at the academy with the worst hangover of your life. Much to my dismay, the struggle I was having was becoming obvious to Sebil.
“Are you alright, love? You look like you’re set to pass out. Can I do something for you?”
‘You can gouge your eyes out with your overdesigned mechanisms!’
Lilith, STOP!
The rage that was throbbing through my body was making it hard to stand. In the same sort of sensation when I first set eyes on Sebil, it seems that whenever Lilith was feeling intense rage, it stitched itself into my own emotions. Do we share our emotions? That was a frightening thought, but one that started to make me think back to the few times that Lilith had been as close to kind as someone like her could. Was my own sorrow mixing with her in tandem? Something to discuss later today if possible.
“I-I’m fine! Maybe I lost more blood than I thought? I-I’ve got a hare in my room if I can get to it.”
I began to pick myself up from the ground where I sat on my knees only to have Sebil’s greased but gentle hands keep me from standing up.
“Let me get it for you, love. You don’t look too good right now. I’ll be back in a moment.” He gave a warm smile and started to walk across the courtyard. I felt a pang of guilt trick down my throat. The only reason I was feeling like shit in the first place was because Lilith was unable to keep her rage contained when she saw him. If she couldn’t get over her feelings, I’d collapse the moment he neared me every time.
“You’ve mastered the magic of a pity party, eh beast?” Lucas scoffed.
Is today sneak up on the resident Deathless day or something? Where the fuck was everyone coming from?! I twisted to look towards where the noise came from. The blind man with cornrows took steady steps towards me from the direction of the main temple. I hated how much freedom he was being given to walk around the estate, but Sebil had assured me that he had taken care of the precautions to ensure he wouldn’t run. Everyone else seemed to trust in them, so it left me no choice but to put my faith in him.
“Did your sister get all of the good genes?” I spat back at him.
“How long will it be before you get tired of playing with your food and eat one of them?”
“I can assure you if I get that hungry you will be up for the slaughter before any of them.”
“Oh really?” He smiled. I hated when he smiled, he was a prisoner, there was no reason for him to feel comfortable with us. “I was under the assumption that I’m a necessity here. You need me for the Empire secrets, no? Threaten me all you want, but your group wouldn’t forgive you if you ate the only lead that you have to get a step ahead of the Empire.”
Gods he was cocky. He could live if I only plucked out a few teeth, right?
‘Now you’ve got it, darling. Thought like Lilith herself.’
“Accidents happen, Lucas. I’d suggest you stop getting comfortable amongst us.”
“I’m plenty comfortable with the rest. It’s the monster wearing the skin of a human that I’m watching out for.”
I could see Vyra’s skin flaking off to reveal the red skin underneath. The uncaring stare of a Headmaster watching a demon revealed.
Anger wrapped its tendons around my heart as I began to stand up to look down at Lucas. I could feel my shaking hands shifting steadily into claws.
“There’s the animal.” Lucas didn’t move his head to look up at me, most likely because he didn’t have to. I could see a confident smirk stretch across his lips.
“I’ve got your hare, love!”
Sebil’s voice hit my ears and caused the claws to revert to hands as I pulled away. This fucking Marked knew all of the right strings to pluck to get me angry. It was like I was back inside Varenthell.
“T-Thanks Sebil. I appreciate it.” I spoke softly, opting to take the hare from Sebil and avert my gaze from the Marked man. With a single claw drawn out into my right hand, I was able to smoothly slice into the pelt of the hare.
“If you don’t mind, could I ask you once more about your affinity?”
With a killer’s instinct, I made precise slices along the skin of the hare to unfurl the pelt from the meat and muscle underneath. A week ago I’d have been mortified of something like this. Something about my merging with Lilith must have given me some kind of muscle memory for skinning animals through Lilith’s lived experience. I began to eat my meal in front of the two as I spoke. Sebil was clearly far more interested in the topic of our conversation to care, while Lucas’ mouth twisted into revulsion at the display, thoughts of how ‘debased’ and ‘animalistic’ most likely running through his mind if I had to guess. At least I knew that he could ‘see’ the actions of me eating the hare.
“Mpfm?” I swallowed the all too large chunk of meat I had torn off before responding once more in a much more decipherable fashion. “What about it? I’m still figuring it out myself to be honest.”
“I’m curious as to why you would have inherited such a unique affinity. Did this just come out of nowhere? Was there a pull towards blood that helped you to realize this?”
“Oh, uh. I sort of accidentally stumbled into it by accident when I was walking around this morning.”
“Hah! Bullshit! You can’t even seem to lie well for a creature of deceit.” Lucas interrupted our conversation with such conviction. He must have thought that he was right about something, but he couldn’t claim that was a lie. After all, I hadn’t utilized any sort of blood magic until this very morning. Right?
“You gonna tell me I’m wrong?” I challenged Lucas, closing the distance between the two of us once more. Sebil stood awkwardly off to the side, seemingly readying himself to be interrupted if necessary.
“I sure am, beast. You used blood magic against my sister the very first time we fought.”
“I did?”
I never used blood magic! I got my ass kicked and woke up later!
‘...I might have used blood magic against the other Marked.’
“You did. I witnessed it, and my sister certainly felt it when you ripped the blood straight from her face.”
Why didn’t you tell me about this, Lilith?
‘Didn’t seem relevant.’
“Is that true, love?” Sebil asked with a raised eyebrow.
Fuck, Lilith! You’re making it a pain in my ass to keep you secret.
“If I told you I don’t remember…?” I smiled towards Sebil sheepishly. I could even feel my ears flattened against the sides of my head, Gods that was going to take some getting used to.
“I would say that I need your utmost honesty if you want my help, love.”
“Right. I blacked out when Laia beat me into the ground.”
“She should’ve snapped your neck when she had the chance.” Lucas hissed his words at me with such venom I could’ve sworn he had the skin of a snake.
“Wouldn’t have stuck.” I growled back.
“Blacked out? Yet you continued to fight from the sound of it.” Sebil’s face darkened for a moment as he considered a list of possibilities. I was concerned about just what he might be thinking. He seemed to know a lot about Deathless, but I doubted sharing a body with one was typical.
‘It is not.’
Which means he shouldn’t know what’s going on. Ideally.
“Curious. Well, please keep me informed of any additional changes. You seem to be quite the curious case, even amongst Deathless. I might be able to help you if you inform me of any blossoming capabilities with blood magic. The personal experience I have with it is brief, but dense.”
‘What an odd way to reference me taking your hand you spineless tin can.’
I looked down to his gloved hand, underneath which I knew was not flesh and blood. He seemed to catch me staring and let out a light chuckle. “My distinct lack of an arm is indeed the experience in question. You are quite perceptive, love.”
“Don’t applaud him. He is clearly more capable than he lets on if the fight at the church was anything to go on.”
“We all keep secrets now don’t we, love? Don’t go throwing stones, as they say.”
I had taken note of how the two of them seemed to get along…fine. Which for Lucas, seemed to be a big deal. Just how close had the two of them gotten in the short time we’ve been traveling together?
“Regardless, I shouldn’t keep you too much longer, I was heading out of the estate for a bit before I noticed your curious activities. Lucas, care to join?”
“If it gets me away from the walking freakshow, gladly.”
I let out an aggravated huff, but chose not to engage any further. If I let them leave, then I wouldn’t have to deal with that miserable man any longer. I waited patiently for the two men to leave the estate through the front gate.
With the finger buried, I considered my options. I could theoretically go back to my room to pass the time. But I could also meet back up with Cecelia in the temple. The two of us, possibly alone, with nothing but time, sounded like an excellent time. A swirling anxiety began to- wait, no. That wasn't anxiety I was feeling. It was excitement! When was the last time I had been excited to spend some time with another person like this?
‘Ready to dive in with the blondie? I seem to recall in that memory the girl-Vyra- made a swear to come back to you. You don’t care to wait?’
Lilith, I tolerate a lot from you, but I will not tolerate jokes on that matter.
‘Whatever. I was just pointing out that you swore-’
…
Lilith? The demon occupying my mind like a backseat driver had mysteriously gone silent in the middle of her sentence, leaving me completely puzzled. Was something wrong? Had our mind link been disrupted by something.
‘YOU FUCKING IDIOT!’
I physically recoiled as I walked to the main temple, Lilith’s sudden word rattling around in my mind hard enough to feel like I had just been kicked in the side of the head. Gods that fucking hurts!
‘HOW COULD YOU NOT REALIZE?’
What the fuck are you talking about?!
‘YOU MADE A BLOOD PACT WITH A DEMON!’
A blood pact? What the fuck was she talking about? My mind scattered in search of an answer to the question she posed to me. A blood pact, when would I have done such a thing? I’d never dealt with demons until this past week! Other than Vyra I suppose but-
“I-I’ll… be- back… for you… I-I swear on-... my name”
The name swear. I had so much else on my mind at that moment that I hadn’t paid any attention to her cutting into her own hand and slicing mine to match. Sure, our blood had mixed when we did so, but I was far more occupied over… everything else.
‘I cannot believe you. You’ve had a demon’s blood running in your Gods damned blood for how long?!’
Vyra had died nearly two years ago. A few days from now had marked the date. Something I dreaded with all my heart.
‘Almost two years, and you had NEVER thought about the significance of that?!’
I still don’t understand the significance of it! Why are you acting like this is such a big deal?
‘The ritual. You didn’t think it strange your blood was drawn to the amulet? You didn’t think it strange that the blood in your fingers blew out of your Gods damned fingertips to grab the amulet from me? Fuck! This whole time I couldn’t figure it out. Of all the possible results of that ritual, none of them should have led to this.’
I had completely forgotten about that. The blood in my body felt drawn to the amulet on the floor.
‘You just forgot?’
I was a little busy dying because of a FUCKING DEATHLESS IN THE ACADEMY!
‘Your friends' little dying vow is the entire reason I am stuck with a bumbling idiot.’
Fuck you, Lilith.
“Are you okay, bandit?”
I looked up towards Cecelia. I was standing at the entrance to the main temple. I suppose I had walked here absentmindedly.
“I-I’m fine.”
“You sure? I just heard you yell from outside. Something about a Deathless and the academy?”
Shit. I must have gotten so heated in my argument that I didn’t realize I was talking as opposed to thinking.
“U-Uh, right. Memory from the academy, that’s all.”
Cecelia didn’t look convinced in the slightest. Thankfully, she didn’t seem like she wanted to pry the confession from my lips.
“I was coming to find you.” I state plainly.
“For?”
“Just to- uh, y’know, spend some time together.”
A tender smile. A smile that nearly tricked me into thinking I stood before Vyra.
“That sounds nice. Come on in, bandit. I was just finishing a prayer.”
“You pray?”
“No. Ffenton did. Figured it was only right to try for him.”
The two of us walked into the temple. As we walked to the front of the temple where rows of lit candles gently burned, I felt my hand brush against hers. Instinctively, I moved my hand away, preparing to apologize for hitting her hand. Before I could I felt her fingers slowly wrap around mine. It brought the same feeling to my fingers as it brought to my heart.
Warmth.