Shadows raced across the parking lot in front of me as the clouds followed the wind, and I felt like the whole world was constantly brightening and dimming along with it. I'd unearthed a little clamshell handheld gaming device to pass the time, but for some reason the little games didn't capture my attention like they used to.
I resisted the urge to check my phone again. A minute ago it had read two fifteen, and despite the estimated arrival time Ellen sent being two, there definitely wouldn't be anything new or important to learn from there.
I tapped around on the lower screen of the handheld and opened the music player. I'd loaded the soundtracks of some movies I liked from a decade ago and the tiny speakers didn't sound that bad.
I let the impromptu music player rest in my lap as I fidgeted to get comfortable in the chair. We'd special-ordered this one to be big enough for Deyha's upcoming mods, but it was too big for me.
It felt like yesterday when I'd lived by the philosophy of buying oversized things to leave room to grow into them, and I'd certainly learned that clothes look best when sized correctly… but I was making the mistake all over again by test driving an oversized wheelchair.
Crunching gravel shook me from my thoughts and I looked up to see the anticipated truck. This was the second time in recent months that it had been used as a moving van, and I knew first hand how exhausting it could be to get around in.
The gravel lot didn't have lines, of course, but if it did then the parking job that I was witnessing would do numbers on social media. The sweeping turn encroached in the walkway and dipped back to the lot, as if in preparation to back in, only to park and fall silent.
"We're paying for the full service to get Max here." Deyha grumbled as she stepped down from the driver's seat. "I don't care how much it costs, we are not doing another trip like that."
"What happened?" I paused my music and inched my chair forward as Ellen stepped into view.
"Hey babe." Deyha put on the weakest smile I'd ever seen. "Everything's fine, it was just a long drive."
Ellen looked similarly road-weary. "The cruise control failed pretty much immediately when we started our return trip."
"We bought a fuse set at the first gas station, but it popped within seconds." Deyha added. "I am so not ready to find out what a truck unit is these days."
"A truck unit?" It seemed like an odd phrase, because it didn't seem like she was planning to throw the whole vehicle away to get a new one, but I was just as certain there was no such part as a 'truck unit' that could be taken out and replaced. Judging by Ellen's furrowed brow, she hadn't understood either.
"It's a thing my dad says. There's a thing called a BOAT unit, which stands for Break Out Another Thousand. Basically when something needs to be fixed on a boat you can sum up the cost on the order of thousands of dollars. He made the logical step to the fact that house repairs can also jump up by those same units so now I'm carrying on the tradition to trucks."
"I guess we can hope it's a simple fix?" I tried to sound hopeful, but an instantly popped fuse was a hell of an ill omen.
Deyha's smile seemed more like a wince now. "Maybe. Regardless, I'm fucking tired, so unloading is gonna have to wait."
"That's fine." Ellen lifted the back door of the truck far enough to drag out a duffel bag and let it close again. "This is all I need for tonight."
"Perfect." Deyha knelt down to kiss me on the forehead before stepping past me into the barn.
"So now what should we do?" Ellen hefted the strap of the bag onto her shoulder. "And I guess I should ask, why are you in a wheelchair?"
"Oh, it's nothing serious." I lifted a sock-adorned leg, "I'm changing some mods around for the hooves, so I'm just taking it easy while construction is underway."
"What's changing? The hooves looked pretty damn cute when I visited before."
"This isn't very good hoof terrain, so Carolyn's cooking up something a bit more padded."
I held out my arms, expecting Ellen to hand me her bag for me to carry in my lap, but she bent forward to embrace me, causing the bag to swing and bump my knees. I gave her a squeeze before grabbing the bag and slipping the strap off her shoulder.
Ellen giggled as it tugged down the shoulder of her top with it, but she didn’t cling to the bag.
"Well. I'm here now. What should we do?"
"Have you eaten?"
"Too much probably. Deyha and I indulged in a bunch of stuff that she said we shouldn't have on the farm. Some good seafood right after she picked me up, steak that evening, eggs and bacon this morning, and then sandwiches for lunch."
"You can still have sandwiches here."
"Not with mortadella."
I squinted up at her. I'd been certain that she and Deyha would arrive hungry and ready for a meal, but now I was the only one who hadn't eaten lunch. "I can't believe you guys ate that heavy while traveling."
Ellen stepped around behind my chair and took the handles. "Me neither, honestly. I've always preferred keeping meals super simple on the road. There's something romantic about subsisting on cheese, cured meats, fruits, and bread… But Deyha had a few things she missed and made a compelling argument in their favor."
"Weirdly assertive of her."
"Hah, maybe 'argument' is the wrong word. Regardless, I'm well fed. Have you eaten?"
By the time I realized I didn't have to manufacture some lie of what I could have hypothetically had for lunch, I had already taken a suspiciously long time to answer.
"Yes?"
Ellen laughed, shaking my chair as she turned us toward the barn. "You aren't sure?"
"I had a big breakfast." It wasn't a complete fabrication. Anything was big compared to the nothing I usually ate in the mornings.
"Uh huh. Let's get you fed."
"Hey! I'm supposed to be taking care of you!"
"Haven't you heard? I live here now. You can't hide behind hospitality anymore."
"Surely there's something better we can do with your first day living here."
"Like what?" She tapped the button for the door and maneuvered me over the threshold. "All I would have done is a bit of unpacking, a shower maybe, and then settle in for the night. What do you have left to do today?"
"I… usually do one more extraction before dinner. Aside from that I just wanted to hang out with you."
"Let's do that then."
"I don't know…" I trailed off. I supposed that If she was going to be living here then it wouldn't hurt to learn how the harnesses work. "Fine. We need some supplies from that cabinet and… I could use a snack."
Ellen steered us over to the cabinet and I talked her through the bits I needed. I would have grabbed them myself, but this was my first time encountering the inaccessibility of the cabinet in general. I knew I wasn't going to be in a chair for long, and Carolyn would be able to mod away most-- or maybe just some disabilities… but even for a short term I figured I should brainstorm with Deyha on ways to make sure we had accessibility in mind for organization. The automatic doors told me that it was at least something they'd considered, but nobody had thought about this particular issue. The salad bar would be a problem for the same reason… and the refrigerators were organized such that certain options were on high shelves that I would never be able to reach in this state.
I assembled the sanitary parts in my lap while Ellen moved us toward the kitchen and dining area of the lobby.
"Alright. If that's all the supplies, then let's rustle you up some lunch."
"I only said a snack." My face warmed under the hint of an accusation.
"You did," she agreed, "but I said lunch."
I twisted in place to look up at her. I felt certain that arguing would just result in embarrassment for me and the same ultimate outcome.
I opted to drop it and gestured toward the tall refrigerators. "Can you grab a few handfuls of the bluegrass and rye then?"
Ellen pulled open the first refrigerator and scanned the shelves before moving to the second one. "Huh." she mused to herself.
"Are we out?"
"No, I see them. I guess I just didn't expect this."
"What did you think cows ate? Ramen?"
She chuckled. "No, but I didn't rule out the possibility that you would subsist on junk food for old time's sake."
"Rude."
"Nonsense."
Before I could tell her where to look, she located the large steel bowls and rustled in the bags, pulling out gigantic handfuls of plant matter.
"Ellennnn!" I whined.
"What? Is this too much?"
"It's more than I was going to grab. That's going to take forever to chew!"
"Hmm. True. Well, I'm not in a rush if you aren't."
She went onto the next refrigerator and topped the lot off with a relatively modest bunch of dandelions.
I was scowling at her when she finally turned back to me.
"What? Do you not like these?"
"They're a little bitter but it's fine I suppose."
"If you don't want them I'll eat them."
"Really?"
"Yeah, in solidarity or something. Besides, my pothead friend says they're great for your heart."
"And you believe them?"
"Sure. Besides, I knew they were edible before he said anything. Where do you want to hook up your extractor?"
"We still need to wash that." I gestured toward the gigantic stainless steel sink.
"It's not pre-washed?"
"No, because they need to be stored dry and it's a pain to get them dry enough to store after washing."
"Allright. Walk me through it."
I braced against the edge of the sink and stood up out of the chair. The extractor parts nearly tumbled out of my lap but I caught them and held them against my thigh as I stood to lean against the edge of the sink
"Whoa there, what are you doing?"
"It's fine." I felt like the assurance was somewhat spoiled by the teeth-clenched grunt, but there was nothing to do about that.
I gave a quick run down of the steps before easing myself back down.
I hadn't ended up adopting the baking soda volcano washing technique that so amused Xander, but I explained it to Ellen anyway.
"So you prefer vinegar?"
"Yeah, I think it helps settle my stomach sometimes, and Carolyn says it's fine so I just go nuts with it for the wash cycle, and then add some more after rinsing for flavor."
"Do you ever crave pickles?"
"What?" I struggled to follow the sudden pivot.
"Pickles. Salty, vinegar-y goodness."
"No?"
"Hmmm. Interesting."
"Why?"
"It's part of trans feminine culture, though it's on the obscure side."
"Is it because pickles are phallic?" My tone dripped with sarcasm, but I couldn't help thinking there might be truth to it. I certainly didn't start swooning over guys after modding, but it was hard not to let my mind wander to the feeling of Carolyn's strap-- and what it might be like to be made to fellate it.
"No, actually. It's because the popular anti-androgen, spironolactone, is a water pill that makes you get rid of water by blocking hormones. It's not that picky about which androgens it blocks, so while it lowers hormones for water retention it also helps with hair loss and causes breast development. Just about every trans girl of our generation has been made to try it."
"Made to?"
"Maybe 'led to' is the better way of saying it. It's just a popular method, and it causes salt cravings. Hence: pickles."
"I… see…"
"Don't worry about it. Gene modding will probably render spiro nearly obsolete for all applications if it gets easy enough. Though I'm not sure that would be a good thing. That overkill magic bullet approach to problem solving is certainly not good for reliable technology and I'm not sure I want to see buggy programming in something as critical as the human body."
"You're losing me, Ellen."
"Sorry, sorry." She dumped the first rinse of water and turned the tap back on. "I have strong opinions on progress in general, I didn't mean to derail into an info dump about HRT, medicine, and technology."
"No! No no no." I backpedaled. "Info dumps are fine, I'm happy to listen but I'm just a little lost."
"I appreciate that, but my stream of consciousness blathering is definitely not the solution." She dumped the water again and fixed the lid in place. I heard the tell-tale rumble as she cranked the salad spinner.
I waved at Xander as she joined us in the dining area.
“Hey girls, what's up?”
Before I could answer, Ellen cut in.
“Good one, It's funny because hay is one of the things Maddie eats.”
I squinted at Ellen. “Not everything is a pun.”
“It's officially a pun now. I want royalties when you sell the t-shirts.” Xander leaned forward to peek over the sink. “You’ve got Ellen doing your dirty work already?”
“Someone’s gotta make sure she remembers to eat.” Ellen spoke again, earning a brand new glare from me while Xander chuckled.
“Indeed, indeed.” Xander squeezed past my chair to rummage in the nearest fridge, and, rather than grabbing a bowl, she pulled out an entire bag of alfalfa.
“I don't think that's all going to fit.” I eyed the half-empty bag.
“In me or the washer?”
“The washer. I know better than to doubt how much you can pack away.”
“Geeze Maddie.” Ellen murmured under her breath.
“What? It's true! And besides, that would all probably eventually fit in a single blender anyways.”
Xander shrugged. “The blender is indeed the plan.”
“Still…” Ellen transferred my lunch back to the original bowl. “It sounds a bit weird to call it ‘packing it away’ like some sort of hot-dog eating contest.”
“Healthy relationship with food? In this economy?” Xander scoffed. “Some days I just want to have it over with, ya know? I don't want to graze and ruminate, I just want to skip past the consumption and digestion so I can get on with life.”
“Doesn't eating too fast cause indigestion?” Ellen stepped aside so that Xander could wash her greens.
“Yes, kinda. I’m not going to take all of this down in one sitting anyways: the bloat would be excruciating. I am however going to take the smoothie for a walk and digest the fuck out of it.”
“A walk sounds nice.”
Evidently I sounded as pitiful as I felt because Ellen patted my head in a way that wasn't entirely condescending.
“I'll take you for walkies every day once I'm settled in, okay?”
“Don't threaten me with a good time.” I pursed my lips as Xander giggled.
“Poor Maddie missed her calling as a puppy."
I squinted at Xander. The snappy comebacks weren't coming to me for some reason.
Evidently my glare carried no weight either, because she seemed utterly unmoved as she started washing the first batch of her alfalfa. I accepted the bowl of damp greens from Ellen, shook a small stalk of rye loose and chewed on the grains.
"You're supposed to start with the other end." Ellen stepped around to the back of my chair and began backing me out of the kitchen.
"I'm not that type of cowgirl."
"But it would look so badass!"
Xander was nodding her agreement, even as she rummaged in the sink.
I rested my arms over the bowl as she turned us away. "I think you just want to nurture an oral fixation."
"Whoa! Where did that come from?" Ellen began to navigate between the chairs and tables of the lobby area while Xander cackled behind us.
"What? Chewing gum, cigarettes, suckers, it's all an oral fixation right?"
"I don't know how you can say that so innocently."
"And I don't know why it has to be sexual for you. Is this because I offered to blow you in the back of the truck that one time?"
"Now I know you're fucking with me."
"Look, I won't say that the invitation is just perpetually open, but I do want payback eventually."
"Geeze Maddie…" Ellen grumbled. "Where do you want to go for lunch?"
I tried to roll with the subject change, but I couldn't help but think I'd overstepped. "We can go to my room."
"Your stall?"
"Why are you bullying me?"
"You told me yourself that Carolyn and Deyha call it that."
"Everyone calls it that."
"Then honestly, I think you might just be grouchy because you're hungry."
I tried to think of a response that wouldn't prove her point, but the moment for witty comebacks passed before anything came to mind.
She steered us between the chairs and tables, quickly locating the glorified closet that was all mine, and backed us in. "Where do you want to sit? The couch, bag chair, or wheelchair?"
"Couch I guess. Can I… have some privacy?" I braced myself for an insistence on helping, or crass remark about having seen it all before, but instead she just nodded.
"Text me when you're settled in. I'm gonna change into some pajamas."
I nodded and set about lifting the footrests out of the way. I didn't particularly like looking at my feet, especially after the discomfort from sawing off the old keratin. Socks helped though, and with all of the hoof fragments covered, my feet were halfway back to 'stock settings' as Carolyn called it. I had all five toes again, even if my ankle still didn't have a real heel to it. I didn't bother trying to balance as I half stood and pivoted to the couch. At this point, if there was something I couldn't reach, then I didn't need it.
I grabbed one of the dandelions and munched as I worked my arms out of the sleeves of my teeshirt and pulled my bra out of the way. Beyond that, the ritual was always the same. Cleanse, connect, C-milk. I didn't have a snappy c word to round out the procedure, but I had the rest of my life to work on that.
In no time I was situated. The cups and tubes pulsed away and I pulled my shirt down over the whole apparatus before texting Ellen to let her know she could come back. I couldn't articulate why it was weird to have my requests respected, but I still felt like it was worth thanking her for giving me the space.
She was back within a minute and I chuckled as she did the little two knocks before barging in; like a doctor giving warning before stepping in to do a checkup.
"So what should we do while you're milking?" She flopped on the couch next to me and picked out one of the dandelions from my bowl.
"Dunno." I gestured at the TV. "That's connected to my computer though so the firehose of the internet is right in front of our faces."
"Quite the visual."
"Well it's certainly not a garden hose."
"Fair, fair." she fiddled with her phone for a moment before putting it away and scooching closer to lean on my shoulder.
"Tired?"
"A little." she yawned, though I could tell she tried to hide it as a simple deep breath.
"Do you want to lay your head in my lap?"
I had to hurry to reposition the bowl as she got up on her knees and lay fully across my lap, resting her head on the arm-rest.
"You don't have to ask me twice."
"Ellen, you've completely overshot it. Your head isn't anywhere near my lap."
She hummed, taking her time situating her arms under her head as she settled down. She felt like a furnace on my lap, so I dug out my phone and preemptively set the thermostat down a few degrees.
I considered resting the bowl on her lower back, but there was still room on the side table for everything.
So, instead of protesting further, I began rubbing circles over her upper back.
The effect was immediate, she seemed to grow heavier as she stretched and then practically melted.
"If I'd known this was one of the perks of living here, I'd have moved the moment you revealed your location."
"Perks? Do you mean back rubs?"
She nodded. "Yeah. I don't know… it's just been a long, long time."
"Well… in that regard, yeah. Touch is one of those perks of proximity."
"Extremely underrated."
I hummed and continued the simple circles on her back as I reached for the bowl. Usually, when nobody was looking, I liked to bundle and weave the different grasses together into fun shapes, essentially playing with my food in the exact ways my parents had always ridiculed me for. In part it helped me slow down, but it was also just plain amusing. Making grass dolls to eat was even better than biting the heads off of gummy bears.
However, since I was busy now, I settled for shaking free manageable chunks.
Ellen’s breath came out in heavy puffs. I had my suspicions of why that was, and they were all but confirmed as my hands wandered to her waistband and she sat up.
“Everything okay?” I asked with exaggerated innocence.
She spared me a glance before resituating to sit properly beside me. “Yeah. All good.”
I couldn’t place her tone, and that immediately set me off rehearsing and planning out apologies. It was so hypocritical of me, expecting her to push my limits when I was the one with a stopping problem.
“I was just getting a little whelmed. Don’t worry about it.”
“Overwhelmed?”
“Not really.”
I remembered how it felt sitting between her and Carolyn. It had been so bewildering to be at her mercy, but the need for touch had obliterated my inhibitions to the point where I got a little deranged with lust. The idea of paying back the favor, now of all times, was as terrifying as it was tempting.
Ellen rubbed her eyes and ran her fingers through her hair. “Sorry to just flop on you like that.”
“What? No! It's fine! Ellen, seriously, you have nothing to apologize for!”
She gave me a strange sort of side-eye before sitting back on the other side of the couch and tucking her knees up under her chin. She wasn't exactly as far away as possible, but she wasn't as close as I preferred.
It was hard to rationalize that the same girl had so casually touched me when Carolyn suggested it. But I supposed Carolyn wasn't here now.
“Did you want… more? Touch?”
Ellen huffed a laugh. “Is that a euphemism? Either way I'm really not sure how to answer that.”
“Can I ask what was whelming about the back rubs then?” I spoke more to the grass that I was braiding into a small cord. I figured there might be something to learn from her expression, but facial cues could also be like quantum particles. Just looking at them seemed to change the meaning sometimes.
Ellen sighed. “I feel bad about what happened in the truck when I visited and I’m trying to avoid a repeat.”
I chewed my lip as the memory surfaced. Just like that the milk pumps weren’t such a relief anymore. I felt like I was scrambling to turn the pump off and I agonized about what sort of message that sent to Ellen.
“I don’t want you to feel bad about that… if that helps.” I still didn't look her in the eye but without the distracting sensations it was at least easier to breathe.
“It helps.”
I’d been near enough to done anyways, so I tugged the cups off and reached up under my shirt to fix the nursing bra in place.
I sealed the milk bags and set them aside with the tubes and cups. It was easiest to clean everything when it wasn’t dry, but that wasn’t a priority now.
“Why would a repeat be bad?”
Ellen laughed, as though the question was absurd or obvious. “I don’t want to take advantage of you.”
“You didn’t? I consented?”
“Sure, but Carolyn had clearly put you in a mood before I stepped into the truck and I absolutely capitalized on that.”
I held the bowl of grass in my lap. I hadn’t even made a dent in the pile of food. Everything was starting to feel as tricky and messy as I’d feared it would be.
Part of me wanted to just tell her I liked being taken advantage of, and then hope that she could get over hang ups… but that wasn’t fair to her.
“I didn’t know it was that obvious that Carolyn had been… uh…”
“Yeah. It was obvious, and Carolyn definitely goaded me into pushing too, but I should have… I don't know. I could have done less. Or asked before escalating.”
“Being helpless and taken advantage of is definitely one of my kinks… but I don't want you to feel gross for indulging me in that– and I… i'm sorry but now isn’t really the best moment to uh–” I broke off. It felt absurd saying these things out loud. “Sorry.”
“Thanks.”
We lapsed into a sort of silence, filled only by the cool air blowing in from the vent on the ceiling and my fiddling with the grass.
“I should pasteurize these.” I gestured at the bags of milk. “What should we do after that?”
“I’m pretty exhausted, so maybe I should do an early bed.”
“You don’t think a nap would be enough?”
Ellen checked her phone. “It’s past three, and I've never had a good experience with a nap that started after noon.”
“So basically you like going back to bed in the mornings or not at all?” I stood and gathered up the extraction supplies as Ellen scowled at me.
“Rude.”
“Sorry, I'm just trying to understand in terms I can relate to… and I think my sarcasm toggle got bumped.”
“So you're secretly a robot?”
I shrugged and began the delicate process of returning to my wheelchair. “All I'm saying is that robots tend to be way more relatable than the average human.”
“Ah, the autism coding.”
Ellen handed me the extraction supplies, bowl of grass, and bags of milk before taking the handles off the chair and maneuvering us out into the lobby.
“I didn't think that was an autism thing.”
“It doesn't have to be, and I don't think that many people set out to design robots as allegories for autistic folks, but I think it's cute."
"You think I'm cute?"
Ellen flicked my shoulder. "Dork."
I directed her to the pasteurizing vats and explained how to load the bags and cycle them. The process was somewhat manual so I set a timer on my phone to check in after half an hour to see how much time remained.
"Similar to a rice cooker, it sets the timer once it gets up to temp, so once the milk is up to sixty three degrees then the vat holds it there for half an hour."
"That doesn't sound very hot at all, that's well below room temperature even."
"Oh shut it. You know I'm talking about celcius."
"You didn't specify. Could be Kelvin for all I know. Or that 'R' one. Ramekin or whatever."
"Uh huh. Anyways, you're welcome to head up and get to napping, I'll be down here to keep an eye on the milk and finish my snack."
"Lunch." Ellen corrected me, but I ignored it.
"So what do you want to do?"
"I'll wait down here with you. What do you guys do for fun around here?"
I turned my wheelchair and rolled toward the sitting area. "There's a modest board game collection and I've assimilated my game console into the entertainment conglomerate."
"Are my games to be assimilated as well?"
I shrugged. "If you want. Xander has a monthly budget for games so you can also talk to her about anything you're hoping to see added to the collection. We haven't just abolished private property, but a substantial portion of the games and controllers are shared that way."
"What if I want to set up my games in your stall?"
"Uhhh…"
I'd considered setting up my own consoles on that TV, but I was worried about making the space too good to leave. That's also why I refused to add a mini-fridge or any further storage beyond the bookshelf.
"I was kidding." Ellen squeezed my shoulder. "Though it would be sort of fitting to be a space invader with my video games right?"
"Hilarious." I deadpanned. "Do you want to play space invaders now?"
"No. Is that an option?"
"Probably. I haven't looked."
"Or was that an innuendo?"
"No. It wasn't a fucking innuendo. Look, there's Xander. Let's see if she wants to do a racing game or something."
I pushed on the wheels and began rolling away without waiting for Ellen to follow.
Xander lounged on the couch. She had her shirt pulled up to expose her belly, and had flung her arms wide with the two halves of the game controller, resting one on the back of the couch and the other on the armrest.
"Comfy?" I wheeled up beside her and set the brakes on my chair.
Xander shrugged. "As much as I can be. I'm just cooling off after my walk."
I nodded and tried not to stare at her stomach. The patterns on her skin continued to fascinate, and this was the first time I'd seen this particular patch of skin. The contrast was faint because she was less tanned there to begin with, but It still reminded me of the sort of map you'd find in the front of a fantasy novel with large continents of pale skin that had ragged and arbitrary borders. There was another sort of familiarity, as though I had seen this particular map before, but that was probably just my brain being a little too eager to make connections.
Xander paused her game and set down the controllers. "These were actually the first patches to form." she gestured at the three largest sections near her sternum, navel, and hip.
"Sorry…"
"Don't worry about it. I had laparoscopic surgery a decade or so ago and you know what they say about when it rains it pours…"
"I… don't understand."
Xander shugged. "My autoimmune issues caused hypothyroidism, which caused pancreatitis, and just as I addressed that the vitiligo started manifesting too." She gestured at the small scars inside each of the patches. "These are from the distal pancreatectomy. They originally thought it was cancer, but the cysts ended up being complications of the underlying autoimmune issues. The doctors finally figured that out as other hypothyroid issues manifested.
"And you were able to help all of that with modding?" Ellen sat on Xander's other side, and I had a feeling about where the interest was coming from.
"Yeah, regenerating my pancreas was a relatively simple mod and the maintenance doses provide a course correction for my immune system."
"Carolyn was able to do all of that?" Ellen sounded fascinated.
"Ah… no. I mean, I don't want to doubt her abilities, but my pancreas was done by a specialist. The basics of my immune system stuff was also done beforehand but that gene programmer commented their code since those mods require ongoing maintenance. They gave Carolyn all the tools she needs to monitor and course correct."
"Damn. And I thought Maddie was heavily modded." Ellen leaned forward to look past Xander and smirk at me.
"Maddie is still pretty freaky though. I'm sure Carolyn has been working in all manners of kinky stuff just for her."
"Okay Ms. Strawberry milk." I slumped back in my chair and looked at the TV. The pause menu was familiar, but I couldn't place it.
Xander chuckled and turned back to the TV. The music was similarly familiar as she unpaused and began moving the little cartoon character around a cozy little town. The juxtaposition of anthropomorphic ducks and mice next to gritty JRPG heroes was far more comical than I remembered it being when I was in high school.
"Which one is this?" I nodded to the screen.
"It's a remaster of the first game they made, I'd say it's just the first game period, but there've been so many sequels and prequels that I feel like it would be misleading."
"Mhmm mhmm." I hadn't played it myself, but I had fond memories of watching my best friend play and replay the game countless times. It had been hilarious to reconnect with her after college to find we had both chosen the same name after transitioning too.
Sadly, this game was definitely not a multiplayer one.
"I'd switch to co-op, but they didn't add that feature in this remake, and even removed the co-op from other parts of the bundle. Pretty sad, honestly."
"It's fine, I like to watch." I regretted my phrasing as soon as I said it, and right on cue I heard Ellen and Xander chuckle.
"Well, if you're all set here, I might just head up for a nap." Ellen yawned and stretched.
I unlocked the brakes of my chair. "I'll come too."
This earned me yet another pair of giggles as Ellen groaned and stood.
"But you have to take out the milk when the pasteurizer finishes, remember?"
"I can handle that." Xander said. "You two have a nice nap."
I wasn't sure I appreciated the emphasis she put on the word, but I also didn't care to argue the point.
"Thanks, Xan."
She looked up for just a moment to smile before returning her attention to the combat she'd just started.
I flopped spread eagle across the top of my old bed, making sure to cover as much space as possible to maximize the inconvenience for Ellen.
"Brat." She grumbled, and, rather than pushing my arm or leg aside, she lay half on top of me, resting her head on my upper arm and draping a leg over mine.
"Is this comfortable for you?" I tried not to squirm as she draped an arm across my stomach.
"Very."
"Really?"
There was a long pause. "No."
I laughed as she sat up enough to let me reposition. I ceded half of the bed to her and helped hold the blankets out of the way as she slipped under the covers this time.
"So how would you rate your first day on the farm?"
"Eighth, technically."
"Technically I don't care how many days you were here on your last visit." It bugged me to misuse the word so blatantly, but sometimes sass was more important than pedantry.
"I'd give it at least four stars."
"What would it take to earn the last one?"
"Out of ten." She amended and I pushed at her shoulder
"Fine. What would it take to earn the last six, since evidently I've been bombing the hospitality."
"Somehow it feels inappropriate to ask for snuggles."
"Then I'll spare you the ordeal of asking. C'mere."
I'd prepared myself to argue to convince her it was fine, but she simply rolled toward me, turning in place and pulling at the sheets until she was snuggled up with her back to me, trapping my arm under her head between the pillow and the bed. I could tell she intended for me to lay my untrapped arm over her, but instead I pulled the blanket to make space and rubbed her back.
I started slow, focused on noticing any signs of discomfort, but she leaned away to give me better access and found my hand under the pillow, holding it in both of hers.
Ellen hummed tunelessly as I traced patterns on her back, and I could see goosebumps form on her shoulder as I drifted toward her side. Occasionally she would fidget to readjust her position, moving her legs and shoulder as if to make space or get comfortable, but she never seemed completely happy and relaxed.
"Is it okay if I… uh…" she trailed off and didn't continue until my hand paused on her back. "If I take off my shirt?"
"Sure, sure." I agreed automatically. I wasn't sure how I'd maintain composure once she did, but I was starting to care less about being reserved and patient.
Ellen sat up on her hands and knees, before tugging her top up and off. She hugged the bundle of fabric over her chest as she lay back down as she had before and I gave her a moment to get comfortable before reaching out again.
Holy fuck her skin was soft.
The light coming through the shades was just enough to make out the occasional freckle amidst the light fuzz.
I experimented with scratching, using what little nail I had to dig into her skin and Ellen made no complaint. Her skin reddened where I scratched, making it easy to be sure I'd reached everything as I alternated circles and zigzags up and down her back.
My endurance wasn't infinite though, so as my shoulder tired and ached I leaned forward to drape my hand over her stomach as she'd originally expected me to. Her hand found mine and squeezed it there, and I imagined I felt her pulling my hand up. I fidgeted and readjusted to lay closer and this time as I settled in I didn't imagine it. She rested our hands over her heart, bathing the inside of my arm, palm, and backs of my fingers in warm and soft skin.
I fought the urge to open my hand, to joking-but-not-jokingly grope and squeeze just to feel more skin, more of her. But I resisted. Ellen wanted to nap, and the last thing I wanted to do was interrupt that-- though in hindsight I figured the back scratches might have kept her awake and alert more than they'd relax her.
I was still musing about whether scratching was relaxing or stimulating when her hand opened over mine, coaxing me to open my hand as well before pressing it to her chest. I could feel the indistinct heartbeat under my fingers; rhythmic but muddled with the feeling of her breathing and my own hammering pulse.
My mind raced for meanings and implications. Was this comforting for her? Was it an invitation for more? Was I supposed to remain still or squeeze? There wasn't a fucking playbook for this, though I doubted I'd read one even if there was. Her hand relaxed over mine, and she felt altogether less tense, as though I'd vacuumed it out of her just so that I could wrestle all that tension instead. And sure, if that was how it worked I would have gladly taken every care or concern away, but I doubted there was anything truly productive about my racing circular thoughts that constantly returned to the single sensation.
Soft. So fucking soft.
I tried to hold still, gradually relaxing my hand to let it fall away onto hers, and I cursed internally as she shifted to get up on her hands and knees again.
She pushed the sheets down, repositioning to be on top of them as I was before laying down again, facing me this time. I did my best to accommodate her, letting her slip one leg between mine as she drew close and worked her arm under my ribs. Her hands were on my back this time, and she rested her forehead on my collar as she traced familiar patterns back to me.
Her breath was hot on my chest now, barely insulated by my shirt as she held herself there, but she didn't continue nearly as long as I had. Maybe I'd seemed uncomfortable, but the reality was I was just afraid to like it too much. I wasn't sure what that would mean, what we would be if we continued down this path.
She readjusted to leave a bit of space between us, and I allowed myself just a moment to admire the view before closing my eyes to escape. I'd desensitize myself some other time, but for now I just needed a small reprieve. A break from the sight of dimly lit breasts and wide eyes searching my soul.
"Comfortable?"
"Yeah." I lied. It was secretly a sort of truth, because I knew the real question she was asking was whether she should stay this way or give me more space, and I didn't want space.
"It's a bit hard to believe you, Madeline."
I couldn't be sure but she sounded coy, and when I peeked to check her expression she seemed unbearably amused.
"I'm comfortable." I tried to sound certain.
"So it's okay if I do this?" Her hand trailed up my back to cradle the back of my head and I nodded, luxuriating in the way her fingers brushed through my hair.
"And what if I do this?"
I chewed my lip as she moved her hips closer, dragging her thigh between mine as she held herself flush against me.
“Yeah.”
She hummed and readjusted again, holding my head as her lips drew close to mine, and our noses touched as–
My phone went off.
“Shit.” I grumbled and Ellen let me go as I disentangled far enough to silence the god forsaken alarm. It had been half an hour and this was my well-intentioned but utterly unnecessary reminder to check the pasteurizer.
I cut off the alarm and deleted it for good measure before silencing and then turning off my phone.
“Sorry.”
“It's fine.” Ellen lay on her side, propped up on her elbow as she regarded me. “Do you need to go check on it after all?”
“No, no I’m sure Xander’s got it covered, and if not I couldn’t care less about one little batch of milk.” I pushed the sheet down out of the way and resituated across from Ellen.
“Speaking of…” her eyes trailed meaningfully down.
“Oh god damn it.” I pulled at my shirt and found the two wet patches.
“Did you not get it all earlier?”
“No, I did. But I produce really quick after eating and uh… certain hormones cause the glands to um…”
“Do you wet your shirt when you’re horny?”
“I didn't say that. And for your information oxytocin is the main culprit.”
“And you're telling me that to refute the claim? Or…”
“Yes! It’s just a chemical response! It's not about whether I was excited or not.”
“Maddie…”
“What‽”
“What hormones do you think are involved in being horny?”
“Estrogen? Dopamine? Adrenaline? I don't know. I’m not really here for a chemistry lesson.”
Ellen was laughing openly now.
“What!”
“I'm sorry, it's just too funny. Calling it chemistry, and… I’m sorry, I’ll explain later– or Carolyn can. I’m sorry for poking fun.”
“You should be.” I grumbled and returned to where I’d been laying before. “Now where were we?”
“I was about to suggest we make out a bunch and you were about to offer me your milk.”
“Like hell I was.”
“Mmm we’ll work on that.”
“Like hell we will…” I trailed off, my indignant protests lost steam as her nose touched mine, but she stopped short.
“I’m sorry, what were you saying?” Ellen began to pull back but I closed the gap.