"This was the story you were trying to tell that day."
Cider said quietly.
It was about that night.
His shoulders and chest rose and fell greatly in repetition. Very slowly. While regulating his breathing, his expression remained unchanged like hardened plaster. Esperanza realized that Cider was desperately hiding the fact that he was hurt. With his last remaining pride, not wanting to show that one thing.
The broken trust felt like it was digging into the soles of her feet. She curled her toes and endured, but couldn't bear it and gritted her teeth.
"I was going to tell you."
But Cider had clearly said, 'It doesn't matter if you leave.' So she didn't tell him. Even knowing that wasn't what he meant. Cider spoke as if reading Esperanza's thoughts.
"I didn't know your question that day meant this. You knew I didn't know, yet you listened to my answer. ...That's deception."
Though it was consistently a low and gentle tone throughout, she could feel the blame sharpened like thorns.
Cider stood up from his seat. His two hands that had been holding Esperanza's were now empty. Esperanza wrapped her rejected hands with her own hands. It felt like one corner of her chest was cooling down with a chill.
She had been pushed outside the line.
"I won't say you didn't have opportunities. I didn't expect you to trust me from the beginning. But there were definitely times when you could have spoken, times when you should have spoken."
Countless moments flashed by. Avondale mansion. The forest of Mabelwood. The laboratory. The golden field. Countless moments the two had spent together. Any of those times would have been fine.
"After letting all those opportunities pass, is this the moment you chose?"
"I..."
It would be a lie to say she had prepared herself.
In one corner of her heart, there had been the thought that it would be okay since Cider had said it didn't matter if Esperanza left. Even though it was something she couldn't know without asking him directly.
Her clenched hands were trembling miserably. Esperanza couldn't bear to look at that sight anymore and averted her eyes. Cider turned his head toward Cyrus and commanded sharply.
"Since things have come to this, go back. We'll talk next time. If there's an opportunity, that is."
Cyrus seemed to have something to say as he moved his lips, but ultimately had no choice but to get up from his seat.
In the study now with only two people, no words were exchanged. Footsteps gradually grew distant and disappeared completely. Cider burst out with words he had endured and endured again with bloodshot eyes.
"To be honest... it's miserable."
That was the end.
I've ruined everything.
❀⋆｡°✿☆❀✿°｡⋆❀
A fingernail-sized moon reflected on the water surface. Slightly humid and cold air.
Cold wind swayed her hair. Esperanza, sitting at the edge of the bench wearing only a shawl, meaninglessly swung her feet. The lamp swayed as if it might go out at any moment in the fierce wind.
The only lights were this small lamp and... one bedroom with a balcony. It seemed Cider was also spending a sleepless night. A melancholy sigh stretched long.
What could he be thinking? When she recalled the face that had ultimately turned away from Esperanza, one corner of her heart ached.
But she couldn't just stay like this. She had to try something. If Cider refused, there was nothing she could do, but she couldn't just keep her mouth shut in the position of having done wrong, nor did she want to.
Esperanza took a deep breath and stood up. Her tense body moved stiffly. However, there was no difficulty in instantly stepping on the wall and climbing up to stand on the bedroom balcony railing.
The wind blew fiercely. The curtains fluttered, then hit the balcony railing and fell.
Cider cast a dry gaze toward the window. It wasn't intentional. He had just left it open out of habit. There was only one guest who came and went, but for that one person.
...However, he was someone who rarely forgot anything. In this season when winter was approaching, even with the fireplace lit, there was a chill in the room. Whether he had truly forgotten, or whether he had expectations—he decided not to delve that far.
Esperanza stood beyond the open window. When their eyes met, she awkwardly raised the corners of her mouth, a face that looked completely intimidated unlike usual.
'That's how it should be.'
Even thinking that, it didn't seem very pleasant. Cider laughed irritably.
What should she say? The two people facing each other with the window frame as a boundary remained silent for a while. Until the fierce wind wrapped around Esperanza's hair once more.
"You must be cold. Come in."
At the same time as those words, Cider turned around. Esperanza slowly crossed the window frame and entered the room. When the door closed, warmth gradually began to circulate in the room.
"I have something I want to say."
"Is that so?"
"If you don't want to hear it... never mind."
Cider silently placed two empty brandy glasses on the table. Reddish liquor filled about half of each glass. He filled both glasses and, as if having finished his task, buried himself in the armchair with empty hands.
She could read clear rejection in his closed eyelids. Esperanza silently slumped down on the carpet and leaned her body against the side of Cider's armchair. Cider couldn't endure it and slyly opened his eyes.
"Didn't I tell you not to sit on the floor?"
At other times, he would have grabbed her hand to seat her on his knee or embraced her and moved to a larger chair. Because the floor this season was cold even with carpet laid down. But today was different. At least until tonight, he didn't want to show that he was worried about Esperanza.
It felt like erected fingernails were scraping out his inner feelings. Painful, leaving wounds that irritated for a long time.
"It's fine. It's not important."
Looking in different directions like that, Esperanza opened her mouth.
"I didn't intend to hide it from the beginning. It would have been better if I had said it from when we first met, but I couldn't. After that, you became my friend. You were all I had. I wanted to appear as a good person to you."
Though she ended up becoming a liar.
"Everything being a game means it's entertainment unrelated to reality. Even if you kill people, even if you cruelly torment them, it's just one type of rough play. We didn't know our playground was reality."
If we had known, there would surely have been different results. But even so, the fact that people were killed doesn't change. There's no room for excuses.
"I had no interest in whether anyone lived or died. I thought they were fake people anyway, and my purpose in visiting this world was combat... that is, combat play. Not noble sacrifice or great sense of mission."
She glanced up at Cider's face sideways, but it was shadowed and couldn't be seen properly. Perhaps that was fortunate.
"So the 'Hunter' me that you know isn't a particularly good person or great person. If you had met me in the world 13 years later, you might have despised me greatly."
She scraped out and revealed her inner feelings. It felt like being naked. Exposing vulnerable parts, placing them under evaluating gazes. It was suffocatingly frightening. How had Cider thought to show Esperanza his laboratory?
Cider's fingertips unconsciously touched Esperanza's hair, then were quickly withdrawn as if burned. Esperanza, lost in thought and not noticing this fact, bit her dry lips with her chin resting on her knees.
"I wish I had said it at a better time. But good times were too precious to break, so I kept postponing and postponing... and it ended up like this. I'm sorry for making you learn about it at such a time, in such a place."
Crackle, crackle—the sound of burning firewood and regular ticking were only peaceful. At the end of the silence, Cider asked.
"Is that the end?"
Her heart felt like it dropped with a thud. Esperanza bit her lips tightly. While she hesitated, Cider picked up a brandy glass from the table and held it out to Esperanza. Esperanza, who unconsciously took the glass that came down to eye level, blinked. What did this mean?
The sound of tapping the armrest wrapped in thick leather passed slowly. When she swallowed a little alcohol, heat circulated through her body.
"Uh, um. My actual face and name are different too. I didn't change much, but this couldn't be helped. Because of personal information issues. And what else is there...?"
"That kind of thing doesn't matter."
Did it really not matter? She looked up at Cider with wide eyes, but Cider was buried in his chair with his eyes closed. Even the reddish glow of the fireplace on his cheeks couldn't erase the cold temperature of his rejection. Esperanza became a little sadder.
In reality, there was family, friends, and a workplace that was bothersome but she had to go to every day.
In this place, there was only Cider. If she was rejected by Cider, it was no different from being rejected by this world. She pulled her knees a little closer together.
"If you find me disgusting, or, um, if your feelings have cooled. If that's the case, it's okay to just say so."
She didn't want to say such things with her own mouth. Esperanza became depressed and only looked at her toes.
"Is that a threat?"
"What threat could I possibly make...!"
Looking down at the face completely distorted with indignation, Cider spoke word by word with suppression.
"Don't be mistaken. You're staying here, in my house. There are no other options."
As soon as Cider finished speaking, he buried himself in the backrest as if crushing himself against it. It felt like his insides were twisting again. His rigidly hardened lips couldn't even form a fake smile.
It was natural for the side with heavier emotions to lose. He was taking that much into account. But if this side was trying somehow to resolve the situation while the other side so easily spoke of endings, his feelings couldn't help but become twisted.
Cider impulsively opened his mouth.
He was bringing up something done out of affection to cause hurt. It felt like insulting himself. Horribly so.
"You were curious about my research, weren't you?"
Esperanza, who had raised her head that had been deeply bowed, opened her eyes wide. While confused about why he suddenly brought up such words, she also looked anxious. Cider continued with a feeling of self-torture.
"It was spacetime machine research. It was the one research I failed at completely and discarded, but I was going to try again. If you were going to leave, I wondered if I could go too."
Esperanza jumped up. Her face, which had been shrouded in gloom, brightened in an instant.
"Could that be possible?"
Seeing her face clearly showing delight, Cider's mood also improved a little. The reason he had kept this story secret was more because he couldn't guess Esperanza's reaction than because he couldn't guarantee the success or failure of the research. If he had known she would be this happy, he would have said it earlier even if uncertain.
When it could have been good news for both of them.
"It's impossible."
"Why? You said the spacetime machine definitely succeeded. Now there are parts too, and even if it takes time, I can wait, so even if returning is a bit delayed...!"
"No, it's impossible to send things from this world outside using a spacetime machine."
Those words slowly pressed down Esperanza's excited emotions. Her flushed cheeks slowly turned pale. Esperanza raised her voice with blurred vision.
"Then it would be the same even if I had told the truth!"
That's not it. That wasn't what was important. Cider repeated in his heated, ringing head. If he had known from the beginning.
"...Then I wouldn't have even tried. From the beginning, if you hadn't said things like you'd save me!"
Stopping her words was almost instinctive. She felt an intensely piercing gaze. Though it was a word that came out without context, he had clearly understood.
She had misspoken. She didn't want to reveal her weak inner feelings. She didn't want to show her heart that had become heavy on its own. At least not now, not like this. He let out a deep sigh with his face buried in his palm, mixed with anguish and shame.
"Go out. Give me time to preserve my pride."
The heavy wooden door closed with a thud.
The two people regulated their rough breathing with the door between them.
It was the worst night.