Well, this is a bit embarrassing.
Do you know what the most difficult thing about being a baby is?
It’s not breastfeeding or pooping, as I thought earlier.
It’s protecting my Mum from my dad.
Well…
Some of you might not know this.
But your parents have sex!!!
Yes.
They are doing it.
It doesn’t matter whether you like it or not.
They don’t give a rat’s poop about your opinion in this case.
The trouble began yesterday evening.
Heavy rain with thunder and wind hit us.
So we closed all the windows and doors.
Once everything was locked, it felt warm.
Being inside our warm home during the rain is a very pleasant feeling.
We could occasionally hear the muffled thunder.
I liked it.
But I kept crying occasionally so that someone would carry me.
Don’t judge me.
Being in the arms of someone you are close to gives a warmth that you cannot explain with words.
My favourite is Mum.
She holds me the best.
Being in her arms is very comfortable.
Dad is also fine.
But compared to Mum, he is a bit skinny.
Anu is plump and softer than Mum.
But she is too small to carry me around.
She occasionally hugs me when I’m lying on the bed.
That feels really nice.
It was a very nice evening.
In between, we lost electricity due to the wind.
I liked that too.
To my surprise, Dad decided to light candles instead of using the emergency lamps.
That’s when I realised that I was not the only one who liked the situation.
My dad liked all of it even more.
The wind and rain.
The candlelight dinner.
At first, I failed to notice it.
But I slowly realised it as my Mum kept on giggling like a shy teenager.
“I cannot believe this.
If someone had told me ten years ago that I would be the father of two kids, I would have laughed.”
“If someone had told me that you would be the father of my kids, I would have laughed as well.” Mum teased Dad.
“If…
someone had told me that I’d get you two as Mum and Dad, I…
I…” Anu wanted to add something.
But she couldn’t find the words.
Dad and Mum laughed.
“What do you have to say?” Mum asked me.
“Waaa…
waa aahh…” I shared my wisdom, and everyone laughed.
We finished dinner, and Dad went to put Anu to sleep.
She is a courageous one.
Just at the age of three, she started sleeping alone.
But she wanted someone to accompany her till she fell asleep.
That day, Dad was impatient and made her sleep ahead of her bedtime.
Since there was no electricity, she too had no reason to stay awake.
Once Anu was asleep, he went to our bedroom and prepared my cradle.
I usually don’t sleep in the cradle at night.
I sleep in the middle of Mum and Dad.
That is a lot warmer than the cradle.
Mum got the cradle as a gift when I was born.
But today, Dad was planning to get rid of me.
How can I let that happen!
To my horror, I failed to realise that Mum was also conspiring with him.
She made me drink a full belly.
I wasn’t suspecting anything, and I kept drinking until I was full.
She also took me to the toilet and made sure that I emptied my bowels.
“Now that you are full, go to sleep, my baby…” Mum tickled me as she said that.
Only then did I realise that she was also conspiring against me.
So I decided not to sleep and protect my innocent Mum from the evil clutches of Dad.
“He is not sleeping,” Mum complained as she looked helplessly at Dad.
Yes, woman.
I don’t plan to sleep tonight.
I suppressed my urge to reply.
“Give him to me.
I can make him sleep.” Dad snatched me from the arms of Mum.
What a joke!
Usually, he runs away when Mum asks him to take care of me.
Today he wants to make me sleep as soon as possible.
The things that men do…
Dad started telling stories.
A story about a kid who didn’t like to eat.
One day, when she was playing on the roadside, some bubbles came flying through the wind.
The little girl got on the bubbles and flew away.
Then she had a great adventure.
It was indeed a good story.
But that wasn’t enough to make me sleep.
“What are you looking at?
Don’t you want to sleep?”
“Waaa..” I rejected the offer.
Mum giggled at us.
“Sorry.
I have to make you sleep.
Don’t you want a younger sister or younger brother?” He asked playfully.
“Waaaa…” I rejected the offer.
Who is he trying to fool?
I saw him taking out a small packet of condoms.
It is in no way a step involved in making a baby.
Mum started laughing.
She was truly enjoying it.
“Baby baby…
my child…
please go to sleep…” Dad started begging.
Nope.
I kept my eyes open like the eyes of a frog.
I didn’t want to sleep.
“I think he is doing this intentionally.” Finally, he started feeling that something was wrong.
He was getting desperate.
“Now you know how I feel sometimes.” Mum giggled as she replied.
“Is it…
okay for three-month-old kids to act like this?”
“This is a weird one.” For the first time, Mum said it.
I felt betrayed.
I was the perfect son she could ask for.
But she called me weird.
“Hmmm…
I totally agree.” Dad grumbled and nodded.
He made me angry.
“Wreeeee…” I decided to stop playing nice and be aggressive.
I cried at the top of my lungs.
“If you keep quiet, I will tell you the story about how I met your mother.”
Just like turning off a switch, I stopped crying.
This was new information.
I never heard that story even in my previous life.
So I decided to listen.
“Wow…
You are indeed interested in gossip.” Dad exclaimed.
“Tell him something else.” Mum had an annoyed look on her face.
“Hahaha…
I think he will like this story.”
“Listen carefully, son.
Because not many know this story…
Long ago, your dad had a lover named Lakshmi.
She is your doctor aunty.
You have already met her.”
Wow…
This is an interesting scandal!
I knew this doctor aunty.
She is a psychiatrist.
“One day, she and I had a fight and decided not to speak.
Right then, your Mum, who was lurking in the darkness like a hyena, jumped in and stole me.”
Huh?
“That’s not true.
Your father made me fall for him.
All I did was confess my feelings for him.
Also, Doctor Aunty and your father didn’t fight.
They just ended their relationship because they couldn’t move forward.”
Wait for a second!
So it was Mum who confessed?
Why?
Of all the people on this earth, why would she pick this pervert?
Even doctor aunty!
She is a real beauty.
Why would she ever pick someone like Dad?
I looked at Dad dazedly.
What did all these girls see in him?
I looked at him carefully.
Then I realised that he looked quite handsome.
He had light brown skin and a thick black moustache.
Neatly combed hair and black eyes.
But the best thing about his face was the smile on his face.
I don’t ever remember seeing him angry or without that smile.
He is always cool.
Even politicians won’t be able to copy his smile.
That is the last thing I remember.
When I woke up, I was in the kitchen in the cradle.
Mum was leaning on the kitchen counter and sipping black coffee.
She had taken a bath, and her hair was spread out to dry.
She was happily humming as she drank the coffee.
Dad was busy cooking something.
The rain was over.
Frogs were crying outside.
Probably they laid eggs.
Small black eggs the size of mustard, encased in long transparent slimy tubes.
Everything about the morning felt nice.
Even the air was really fresh.
I failed in my mission.
I knew why Mum was so happy in the morning.
These two had been married for over five years, and they still act like it is their honeymoon.
I don’t feel bad.
After all, she is happy.
Nothing else matters.