-Roy Raynolds-
The streets of Orario were buzzing with chatter and activity in the morning, like always.
A buzzing that may have been welcome another day, but was currently delivering psychic damage directly to my brain.
‘’I don’t wannaaaaa…’’ I whined. Shoulders slouched as I was forced—Nay. BETRAYED by my companions into giving away all my wealth. ‘’My head is killing me… this is unfair…’’
The bunny girl at my side huffed. She had bags under her eyes, and her usually quick step had a bit of a slouch.
It was the first time I had seen Bell cranky in any way.
‘’Roy.’’ Bell cut off my whining with a flat tone. ‘’…You out-drank a First-Class Adventurer yesterday. I’m surprised you’re not… well…’’
‘’Dead?’’ continued Midna with a chuckle.
‘’Yes.’’ Nodded Bell.
‘’What can I say? I’m built different.’’ I grinned, arms crossed.
‘’Think we can get a refund on the missing parts?’’ Midna asked. A devilish grin parted her face.
‘’…Maybe.’’ Bell shrugged.
My head snapped to the white bunny. An incredulous look settled on my face. ‘’Miss Cranel, are you sassing me?’’
Bell blinked. Her stride didn’t pause, but her ears twitched, and a sudden flush covered her cheeks. ‘’I… I didn’t mean to—‘’
‘’Shh, shh, shh…’’ I shook my head. Watching in amusement as Bell went ramrod still the moment I placed my hand on top of her head. ‘’That’s a good thing. Right, Midna?’’
‘’About darn time.’’ The goblin huffed.
‘’Uhhh…’’ Bell groaned. Finally, it seemed the bunny was completely awake. A shame, really, because watching her act all cranky was kind of fun. ‘’Just focus, you two. We have to get to the guild, report the… Minotaur incident, and then see if we can get a house.’’
That last word triggered my earlier bad mood.
‘’Uhhhhggggg…’’ I groaned loudly. Uncaring of the passerby’s stares. ‘’All our money… spent on capitalism on all things! A house? In this economy? What is our Goddess thinking, I say!’’ My head shot back, and I glared into the sun directly as if it had scorned me. I even shook my fist at it. ‘’WHY, I SAY, HELIOS! WHY?!’’
While I may be immune to this thing called social pressure and shame, Bell was definitely not. She even pulled on my arm and started walking faster, forcing Midna to slip onto my shadow and then my back so as not to be left behind.
‘’Don’t make eye contact. Don’t make eye contact. Don’t make eye contact…’’ Bell repeated under her breath.
I think her flush reached from the tip of her toes to the top of her head. I would be impressed by the violation of physics and logic if I weren’t so damn cranky.
‘’I thought capitalism was the good one?’’ Midna asked into my ear, confused.
‘’There are no good ones, Midna.’’ I stated flatly and bitterly. ‘’But I sure as fuck ain’t a damn commie.’’
The goblin frowned. Her tiny mind unable to grasp the concepts of the exploitation of the lower class by a select few. ‘’…So is capitalism good or bad?’’
A very good question. And I, as someone who has lived in a much more advanced world, had the perfect answer.
‘’Fuck if I know.’’ I shrugged while letting myself be dragged around. ‘’I care about getting that dough, and that dough only. Well, that, whiskey and bitches.’’
‘’Finally speaking shit I can understand, hoomie.’’ Midna nodded wisely.
‘’…I should have stayed back home. Become a farmer.’’ Bell whispered with a downcast look.
It do be like that sometimes.
-X-x-X-
It didn’t take us long to reach the Guild. Even if I whined and kicked, Hestia was kind of right. That dusty old basement was not enough to house the four of us comfortably, and considering we made more than a hundred grand last night on bets alone, it was time to consider housing.
‘’YOU AND YOUR PARTY FOUGHT A MINOTAUR?!’’ I heard a login-reward shout like a dying banshee. I bet that if I were to look behind me right now, I would see that brown-haired half-elf shout in the face of a very done bunny-hume. ‘’The adventurer who almost died, was it your party member?!’’
Definitely dodged a bullet by not being the Familia Captain or whatever. I didn’t have to report shit.
‘’…I knew you two being here so early was bad news.’’ Rose grunted. Her golden eyes looked at where all the shouting was coming from. At this point, I think more than one adventurer was eavesdropping. ‘’Do I even want to know?’’
‘’You’re probably getting a report about it later anyway.’’ I shrugged. ‘’Do you prefer to deal with that while drinking some tea or with me right in front so you can cave my face in?’’
Rose raised an eyebrow. The hints of a smirk appeared on her face. ‘’Tempting.’’
‘’Isn’t it?’’ I cackled.
‘’Haa… What are you here for, Roy, Midna?’’ The red-headed werewolf asked. Hard leaning against the counter while resting her head on her palm. ‘’Doubt it’s Magic Stone exchanging—‘’
Unceremoniously, Midna dropped the Minotaur’s magic stone from my shadow and into the wooden counter with a thud.
Rose deadpanned.
‘’You were saying?’’ I grinned.
‘’…So they let you keep it.’’ Rose huffed. Her golden eyes swept through my face and body before her shoulders relaxed. ‘’What was it, an apology gift for almost becoming a smear on the wall?’’
‘’…How does everyone and their mother know about that so fast?’’ I asked, genuinely curious. ‘’Does shit never really happen in Orario?’’
I paused as I felt a tiny hand clutch my left leg. With a side glance, I noticed Midna just staring at me for a few moments before she huffed and turned away.
Rose wasn’t much better. Her deadpan changed into barely concealed annoyance. ‘’Roy. Let me put this into terms your tiny brain can understand.’’
I raised an eyebrow, gesturing to go on.
‘’You were backhanded by a Minotaur as a level one.’’ She spat. Exasperation mixed in with anger in her tone. ‘’I should be recognizing your dead, splattered carcass before telling your Familia to not do an open-casket funeral.’’
My lips pursed. My arms twitched as a wave of phantom pain washed over them, short but intense. A small reminder.
‘’…Fair ‘nuff.’’ I nodded. ‘’That’s not what we are here for, though. So let’s drop it, aight?’’
Rose stared me down for a few more seconds before sighing. Her golden eyes turned to the magic stone in front of her. ‘’I’m guessing you want to turn this one in? Minotaur magic stones tend to round the fifteen-thousand. Maybe twenty.’’
‘Damn. An entire day of work in a single monster?’ My eyes widened. However, a little presence at my side made me hesitate.
Midna was really looking at the stone like it was the tastiest dessert ever. I even had to tap her shoulder to make her snap back to reality and not drool all over the floor.
‘’…Know what. Think we’ll keep it. As a reminder of sorts.’’ I lied through my teeth with a shrug. Trying very hard to ignore Midna’s head snapping in my direction with an intense look in her lone eye. ‘’We can make more than this bad boy in a day’s work anyway. What we were really interested in is housing.’’
Seeing the magic stone almost immediately disappear into a pool of darkness made me hold back a snort. Rose looked… happier. If her not actively scowling could be called that.
‘’A house, eh?’’ She pulled out a few stacks of paper from under her desk. Her fingers dexterously rummaged through the old parchment as she hummed. ‘’What’s your current house situation?’’
Midna answered for that one. ‘’We live in a basement. There’s one dusty bed I ride hoomie in, and our goddess and captain sleep on the couch.’’ The way she said that with a proud smile made me almost want to high-five her.
Almost.
It was also hilarious that Rose couldn’t even see the Pallum’s face. As only her stone mask and her single red eye peeked over the counter.
Rose deadpanned. Fingers clutching the papers a bit too strongly. ‘’Right… Price range?’’
‘’Give or take… around three-hundred-thousand valis.’’ I frowned for a moment. Mental math coming in handy for once in my life. ‘’Yeah. Pretty much that.’’
‘’…Huh. That’s more than I expected.’’ Rose frowned, staring suspiciously between the two of us. ‘’…How?’’
‘’Drank an idiot under the table last night.’’ I offered a wry grin. Hands on my hips and chest puffed up. ‘’Shit was easy.’’
‘’He almost puked his guts out.’’ Midna commented. Giving me a metaphorical punch to the gut. ‘’Not even metaphorically. Lady Goddess was traumatized after Roy exited the bathroom.’’
‘’You know what? That makes much more sense.’’ Rose sighed. But even saying that, three-quarters of the papers she had set on her desk were gone. ‘’Sadly for you, idiots, houses tend to go for at least five-hundred-thousand. With the custom ones being around the million or above range.’’
‘’A fucking million?!’’ I whisper-shouted, slamming my hands on the counter. Earning me a hiss and twitchy ears from the redhead. We immediately deflated. ‘’How the fuck is a new Familia supposed to afford that?’’
‘’New Familias pay rent, dumbass.’’ Rose spat. Staring at me like I was a moron. ‘’They either recruit members until they are big enough to become a Second-Class Familia, maybe they find a niche, like medicine or construction, or there’s even the option to do odd jobs for the guild itself.’’
I blinked. Then scratched my chin. ‘’…Huh.’’
To be fair, the math wasn’t mathing in the first place. If an average party of five members earned around twenty-thousand valis per day on average, and even if they were all from the same Familia… It would take almost two months to even get a million valis.
And that was not considering food, water, medicine, fucking taxes, and savings in case shit went south.
‘’You didn’t really think Familias just got all their money from killing low-level monsters all day, did you?’’ Rose sighed. The way her ears flattened against her skull, and how slouched her posture was, it seemed she was done with us for today. ‘’No, no. Actually, that’s exactly like you would think. You are new adventurers. Just… Let me sort these papers out for a moment.’’
‘’Good thing ‘bout being your only adventurers, is that we have aaaall day~’’ Midna commented half-heartedly. Earning herself a huff from the wolf woman.
She even whispered something about ‘I should have retired when I got the chance’. How silly.
In the bit of time we waited around. Bell approached us. Her tired expression and the way she caressed her right cheek with her ears all droopy indicated that she got the shouting of a lifetime. Probably enough for all three of us.
‘Incredible. Lady-Captain.’ I snorted internally.
‘’…How’s the house-search doing?’’ The bunny-hume asked. Looking between us, her eyes landed on the werewolf-woman. ‘’Ah, this is your advisor?’’
Rose grunted. Looking away from the diminishing stack of papers for a second. ‘’You these two’s Captain?’’
‘’…I am.’’ Bell nodded.
Both seemed to lock eyes. A grim nod was shared between the two. For a moment, I even thought there was a spark in their eyes.
‘’…We ain’t that bad.’’ Midna huffed.
‘’Word.’’ I nodded.
Both women gave us a staredown, and we promptly shut up.
‘’Anyway, your options are… not looking good.’’ Rose commented as she set three papers out of the previously massive pile. ‘’So, the options around three-hundred-thousand have some… minor issues.’’ She tapped the first paper. ‘’This one is in a seedy-looking place. Near DaedalusStreet—a maze-like place that shifts every day.’’
‘’Out.’’ Bell said immediately. Her red eyes lost, as if traumatized. ‘’I got lost for an entire day there…’’
Rose took the paper away. Then pointed to the second one. ‘’ This home has two stories, two bathrooms, and is somewhat near both the Dungeon and the Guild.’’
‘’But?’’ I raised an eyebrow, arms crossed.
‘’…But it used to be part of a drug dealer’s gig. The thing is busted, and it will need repairs.’’ Rose concluded.
‘’Well, no money for that.’’ Midna huffed, rolling her lone eye. ‘’Besides, needles, ew.’’
‘Needles, ew’ indeed. Like, why would you inject drugs when you can just smoke them?
‘’What’s our last option?’’ I asked. Immediately, Rose cringed. Her yellow eyes turned away.
She didn’t even tap the last paper. Just… stared at it. ‘’Last option is the old-man Tittus house.’’
I heard the chatter die down. I felt a sudden pressure on my shoulders all of a sudden. Why the fuck did I have an incoming feeling of unavoidable dread?
‘’And the problem with this one is…?’’ I prodded.
Rose huffed. ‘’House’s fine. No repairs. Also, two stories and well-kept. It’s ‘round the market area, so a bit out of the way, but the area’s fine. It’s just…’’
‘’It’s just…?’’ Midna pressed.
Even Bell was looking at the paper strangely. Because seriously, what could possibly be the problem with it—
‘’It’s five-hundred-thousand, but the old man owning it says he’ll give a big discount if a pretty girl blows him—‘’ I deadpanned. ‘’—a kiss. Get your head out the gutter. We ain’t a damn red-light whore-house. He was very darn insistent on this, and even paid extra to put that shit on the announcement.’’
‘Huh… Well, if it’s just a kiss.’’ I turned to Midna. ‘’Hey, Midna?‘’
‘’Sure thing, hoomie, I can—‘’
‘’He also specified no Pallum girls.’’ Rose commented, tapping under the fine print.
And sure enough, dude was not only a kiss-pervert or something, but also incredibly racist. ‘’No beast-woman, no elves, no Goddesses?!’’ I stared with wide, unbelieving eyes. Before snapping my gaze back to Rose. ‘’I mean, props to the guy for knowing what he likes, but seriously?’’
‘’Fuck-ass old geezer.’’ Midna spat.
With a tired sigh, I turned to Bell… who was flushing like mad. Her ears were droopy, and she was shaking her head repeatedly. ‘’N-no way! I couldn’t possibly… I… Kisses are for the people you like, and…!’’
Bell, lock the fuck in, girl. It’s for a house.
‘This is getting ridiculous.’ I clutched my temple. ‘’Where the fuck are we even getting a girl willing to do this? There are even preferences on this thing. Noble-like look and manners, wild but stylish brown hair? Chocolate eyes? Dude.’’
Suddenly, I felt dread crawling on my spine.
Slowly, I turned to my companions. Both of which were staring at me with focused, analyzing gazes. Even when I turned to Rose, she had pursed lips and a raised eyebrow.
‘’…What are you looking at me for?’’ I huffed. ‘’I don’t know any girl who matches these descriptions. Seriously, why would you think that—‘’
Realization struck.
‘’Oh hell nah.’’ I took a step back. Looking between my Familia members like they were hungry vultures. ‘’Nuh-uh. Not a fucking chance. I’ll sleep on the damn street!’’
‘’C’mon, hoomie…’’ Midna grinned, slowly creeping forward like a looming shadow.
‘’I-It would be for just a moment.’’ Bell admitted with a soft smile. ‘’A one-time thing. It would help us so much, Roy…!’’
‘’GET AWAY FROM ME, YOU HARLOTS!’’ I shouted. ‘’I SHALL NOT RENOUNCE MY MASCULINITY FOR HOUSING! ROY RAYNOLDS AIN’T NO WHORE—!‘’
I felt more than a few sets of stares as we walked down the road and in that old pervert’s supposed direction. Rose’s full-belly laughter still echoed in my ears as I took step after step in these unwieldy heel-stabbing excuse for footwear.
Like, seriously, why the FUCK were these needed? And how do so many women lose their clothes for there to be options to choose from in the damn lost and found?!
In the end, I was betrayed, violated, and inappropriately touched by those I trusted the most. Instead of long pants, a shirt, and a cloak, I was rocking a forest-green dress while I tried to walk without breaking my ankles. The most uncomfortable thing, in my opinion, was the cloth I had to stuff on my chest to sell the illusion, and the cherry-tasting lipstick that Rose personally applied on my lips with so much gusto that it seemed like I had told the woman she had a month-long paid vacation.
‘’I. Hate. All. Of. You.’’ I repeated. Spitting the words like venom for the uptenth time. ‘’Vengeance will be oh, so sweet. Don’t you fucking doubt me.’’
‘’Come on, Hoomie…’’ Midna pressed her lips into a thin line. Shoulders shaking as she avoided the urge to laugh. ‘’Y-you don’t look half—snort—half bad!’’
‘’I-I think Mr. Roy makes for a… very… pretty… gal?’’ Bell tried her best with a cheery smile that I answered with a scowl. ‘’…Is it really that bad?’’
‘’My dignity is in shambles, and my feet feel like they’re being stabbed with each step.’’ I declared, hands on my hips as I walked ahead of the group. ‘’Let’s just get this drag over with…’’
‘’If it is so uncomfortable, how come you walk on ‘em so good?’’ Midna asked.
‘’Bitch, I am classy. I’m just not a woman.’’ I huffed, throwing my hair back. The click-clack of my heels against the ground served as my last statement.
In the end, after going up and down the market district for a while. We found the house we were looking for.
A two-story building, as promised. With a nice coat of dark green paint that made me ask myself if this dress was chosen on purpose. The entrance to the home had a nice and small porch, where, wouldn’t you know it, rested the oldest, most old-man-looking man I have seen. Merely rocking on one of those old-ass chairs that old people used.
Did I say the word old enough? Just one more for good measure. Old-ass dude on his old-ass chair.
He had dark-grey robes over his body, and sunglasses of all things. What little could be seen of his face was covered by either wrinkly pale skin or his long, white beard and moustache combo.
‘’Think that’s Tittus?’’ Bell whispered.
‘’He’s old as shit.’’ I deadpanned.
‘’One way to find out…’’ Midna chuckled and made a cone in front of her mouth with her hands. ‘’Hey, old man! Are you the one selling this house?!’’
Tittus’s body twitched as he almost jumped out of his chair. ‘’What in tarnation…? Ah!’’ He seemed to have been asleep, but with Midna’s shout, he immediately turned to our group. His face parted in a creepy smile full of yellowish-white teeth.
‘’Oh, well that depends on who’s asking, hohoho!’’ Tittus got to his feet. Retrieving a stick from beside his rocking chair. Slowly, he walked down the steps and approached. That distinct, old-people smell wafting in the air and forcing me to hold back a sneer. ‘’Are you… two fine ladies, and your Pallum companion searching to buy?’’
Now I smiled. Genuinely. If only because of how Midna suddenly went rigid and forced a scowl off her features.
‘’Yes. We—‘’ I cleared my throat. The old man raised a suspicious eyebrow. But I managed to play it off as a mere coughing fit before I forced my voice as high and natural as I could. ‘’My apologies. Yes indeed, good sir. We are searching to buy this beautiful house off your hands. You see, our Goddess would really love a place just like this~’’
I had to ignore the way both Midna and Bell’s jaws slackened at my impression of a classy lady. Did they forget we are supposed to pretend here?
So what if I took some acting classes in high school?! Piss off already!
‘’My, then you’re in luck!’’ Tittus’ smile became wider. The sun reflected on his glasses in a way that made me feel like something foul was crawling all over me. With his free hand, he scratched his long, white beard. ‘’I have no doubts this home would serve any dear lady for decades to come. May I ask who this Goddess of yours is, young lass?’’
‘Young lass, my ass.’ My lips pressed thinly. ‘’Why, the Goddess Hestia, of course. She has quite the knack for housing, as you could guess!’’
‘’Ahhh, of course. Such splendid news~!’’ The old man clutched his chest. Happiness radiated off his entire body, but the why was revealed when he opened his mouth next. ‘’One of the Virgin Goddesses. To have her live in my home would be nothing short of a miracle! Yes, yes. This would definitely do!’’
‘I thought you didn’t like Goddesses, you old creep!’ I shouted internally.
‘’God’s above, you’re a lose—‘’ I interrupted Midna by stomping on her foot. ‘’Hiii!’’
‘’Hm? Oh, did you say something, little lady?’’ The man was probably deaf, as he turned to Bell with that same, pleased smile. ‘’Wait, I know. You must come in the name of your Goddess because you saw my… special discount, did you not? Ohohoho!’’
‘’Yes, yes! We… saw the advertisement. We were reaaally in need of proper housing, and such a discount for… that favor, nobody could really pass on that, right?’’ Bell put on her best smile, but anybody with two brain cells could tell she was uncomfortable as hell. If not for the way her ears stood ram-rod straight, then for how forced her smile was.
‘’Indeed, indeed! Now then…’’ Tittus nodded wisely. Then, he took hold of his sunglasses and lifted them. Revealing two grayish-blue orbs he had for eyes. Immediately, I felt disgusted just by being looked at. And it certainly didn’t help that he was actively leering at Bell and me. ‘’Which of you two beautiful young lasses is going to blow good old Tittus here? Hm? Hmmmm~?’’
‘’A kiss.’’ I felt the need to correct. Still not dropping my practiced smile or the tone. ‘’Blowing a kiss, right?’’
‘’Right, right. A kiss, of course.’’ The old man nodded, but his grin remained just as unsettling. Was he doing that weird, grabby motion with his free hand?!
Bell slowly turned her gaze to me. Two red, pleading orbs staring into my very soul.
Midna, for her part, had stopped clutching her foot and was instead watching on with the biggest, most smug grin that goblin-kind could ever come up with.
‘…Fuck it. Do it for the discount, Roy. The two-hundred-thousand discount…!’ It was a bit more than that, really, but considering my shattered dignity, I was not in the mood for counting. ‘’Very well then.’’
I took a deep breath. Both hands on my ‘bosom’. With a cheery, lovely smile that definitely didn’t wish murder upon whoever it landed on, I pressed my hands against my lips.
‘’Kyuuu~’’ I blew the old man a kiss. To the point I could almost see a heart hit the old man directly in his bald head. ‘’Thank you so, so much, Mr. Tittus~’’’ I chanted.
The world came to a stop as something inside me broke into pieces. Probably whatever remained of my dignity, if you asked me.
Tittus stared. Expression unchanging. For a few moments, I was even nervous that I had been found out.
Nervous for nothing, because a second later, blood sprouted out of the old man’s nose like a fountain.
‘’AHHH! TO BE BLOWN BY SUCH A BEAUTIFUL, CLASSY LADYYYYYYYYY!’’ The old man shouted. Grabbing the attention of everyone in earshot. ‘’YES, I CAN ASCEND, I CAN PUT MY SOUL TO REST AFTER BEING BLOWN SO HARD!’’
Midna was wheezing from her place on the floor.
‘’A kiss, dammit! Blown a kiss!’’ I felt the need to shout back. Heat rising to my cheeks. ‘’Now give us the key already!’’
‘’The... key? Ah, yes, yeeees…’’ Tittus moaned. Yet, while he searched his pocket—Please, Hestia, let him be searching his pocket—his leering gaze landed on me as he started approaching. ‘’Ohh… but… what about a bigger discount? Just one more kiss, this time on my—‘’
Crack!
My fist met his balding, wrinkly, ugly ass forehead. All the force of a Level One Adventurer channeled into a single punch.
Old man Tittus didn’t scream, shout, or anything in between as his body hit the side of the house and promptly fell to the ground, unconscious.
‘’Aha….hahaha… pretty ladies…~’’ He blabbered. A deep, red bump appeared on his head.
I finally relaxed. Shoulders sagging. Slowly, my head turned to the nearby passersby. ‘’The fuck are you all looking at? Never seen a bitch with an attitude? Fuck. Off.’’
That was more than enough to get the people back to minding their own fucking business.
‘’Is he dead?’’ Asked Bell in a whisper. Horrified.
‘’Don’t know. Don’t give a shit. I did the world a favor if he is, though.’’ I deadpanned. ‘’Midna, search him and seize the fucking keys. I need a bath.’’
‘’…Do I have to?’’ The goblin’s face scrunched up in disgust.
‘’Midna?’’ I took a deep breath. Looking into her lone eye before repeating myself very slowly. ‘’Keys. Now.’’
Midna froze. A sudden redness reached her face as her petite body shivered. ‘’Yes, ma’am!’’ Without fanfare, she floated directly at the unconscious man.
I groaned.
‘’D-do I just… give him the money?’’ Asked Bell. As she was in charge of carrying the valis.
‘’Only two-hundred-thousand. I’m charging a hundred thousand in exchange for that punch.’’ I scoffed. ‘’That’s the closest he’ll ever be to a ‘woman’ without becoming an Ugly Bastard in a shitty Doujin.’’
Finally, Midna threw me a keyring with a bunch of old, metal keys. I caught it easily and climbed up the steps.
‘’Do we just leave him at the entrance?’’ Shouted Midna behind me.
‘’Call the fucking cops and tell them there’s a bum on our doorstep!’’ I shouted back. Feeling my entire body shudder. ‘’I’m taking off these freaking dagger-shoes and taking three baths.’’
Call me a dramatic bitch. Shit was not worth it. Not one bit.
-X-x-X-
…Alright, maybe a little worth it.
‘’How did you get a place like this?! I just sent you guys to scout for a place!’’ Hestia’s eyes sparkled as she zoomed around the place. One moment, she admired the craftsmanship of the dinner table, and the other, she was checking out the kitchen that dwarfed our previous kitchenette. ‘’And it has two floors? TWO?!’’
‘’It was… a bit of help from the guild!’’ Bell commented. The nervous side-glance she shot me, I answered with a nod of appreciation. ‘’Thanks to Roy’s advisor, yes! The, uhm… previous owner just needed some help to move out!’’
Before I knew it, Hestia had her arms wrapped around both of our necks. Pulling us down with a massive grin. ‘’I have the best children ever! Ever of evers!’’ I returned the hug with an awkward one of my own. Bell just giggled, scratching her cheek. ‘’I have to make a feast! Kitchen’s stocked, right? I’ll make a very big meal for my hard-working Familia~!’’
‘’Make sure to wash everything before you touch it.’’ I said flatly. ‘’Previous owner was… messy. You know how old people are like,’’
Bell’s ears dropped as she nodded grimly.
As Hestia fussed over what she could prepare, and Bell started helping out with cleaning, my eyes went to the second floor. If I remembered correctly, there were a few bedrooms at the top, and a nap would do me some good.
Those plans went out the window, however, as I saw a cheeky goblin peek out from up the stairs. I raised an eyebrow at Midna, but she merely giggled. Using her magic hair to make a fist and beckon me upwards. All the while placing a finger to her lips.
I knew that look. I had received it twice before, and both ended with me with a face-full of gobbo-ass planted straight on my face.
‘It’s a bit early, but… fuck it. I deserve it.’ I smiled.
Silently, I scurried up the steps. Bell could probably hear me still, but not the motives for why I was going up.
The moment I stepped onto the top floor, I saw that same orange-colored hair-hand vanish through the hallway. I chased after it, step after step. My eyes furrowed as I was met with four different doors. Probably three bedrooms and a bathroom.
‘’Heey~ Hurry up, Roy~’’ Midna’s voice echoed in the hallway.
However, I didn’t have to guess for long, as one of the doors opened on its own, with another sultry giggle following right after.
Personally, I loved it when Midna set the mood like this. And my body seemed to agree, as I moved towards it like in a trance. The moment I stepped into the room, the door clicked shut behind me. And no matter how many times I saw this cocky goblin, she was a sight for sore eyes.
Midna laid on her stomach. The big, king-sized bed let her more than enough room to splay out however she wanted. Her legs moved back and forth in the air, and without her usual brown cloak and the shadows in the way, her blue slit was revealed with each slow movement.
What surprised me was exactly what she was doing.
‘’Mhn~ Way to go lying about this big, fat, juicy thing, hoomie…’’ Midna chuckled. In her hair-turned hand was the magic stone of that Minotaur. Midna glanced back at me with a lone, red and yellow eye. She licked her lips and moved the stone to her lips. ‘’You know I wanted it, didn’t ya? What a perfect gift… Well then, ahh~’’
Without breaking eye contact, Midna opened her mouth wide. Logic said that, no matter how much she opened up, that stone could not pass through her lips. Logic, however, took a long fucking vacation, because faster than I could blink, Midna was absolutely throating that magic stone.
‘’Mng! Ish shooo thick…!’’ The goblin moaned around the purple rock. Slowly but surely, and with the help of her magic hair, Midna managed to get that stone all the way down. ‘’Mhn… So tasty…’’
Meanwhile, I had the most confusing boner of all time trying its best to put a hole through my pants.
‘God, I wish that was my dick.’ The thought came as naturally as breathing.
‘’Hey, hoomie. Wanna hop on? Update my status while you’re at it?’’ Mida asked with a raised eyebrow. Purposely wiggling that fat ass of hers while she grinned. ‘’Come on, top me up, will ya? Pants off, of course. That thing looks like it hurts… and I have just the softest thing around to put it inside of~’’
I didn’t need to be told twice. My pants and shirt were left on the ground as I climbed onto the bed. To ‘update’ a Status, much like Hestia, I needed to have access to Midna’s back.
However, considering our shared nakedness, my cock ended up sandwiched between her fat cheeks, and the horny goblin did not even pretend this wasn’t a sex thing, as she started grinding her ass back onto my pelvis.
‘’Heeey~ I know you want to stare at these goblin cheeks all day, but hurry up, will ya?’’ Midna cooed. Her ass was moving side to side, making me hold back a grunt as the soft ridges of her ass-meat tightened and softened around my throbbing shaft. ‘’Hurry up, hurry uuup~ This little goblin wants to get going!’’
Slap!
‘’MNG!’’ Midna moaned. The sultry, airy sound was followed by a chuckle. The motive being her right ass-cheek reddening with the mark of an open palm. ‘’Made you mad, did I?’’
‘’Cocky little tease.’’ I spat. I, too, didn’t pretend anything as I grabbed onto her mounds of ass and squeezed.
‘’I’m not the one cocky here, if you know what I mean.’’ She cackled at her own joke, pushing against my erection on purpose. I merely rolled my eyes with a huff. ‘’Seriously, though. I wasn’t joking with the update.’’
What was she playing at? In any case, the process was simple enough, but no less playful. I pressed one of my fingers to Midna’s mouth, and she bit into it enough to draw a bit of blood.
The red liquid dropped onto her back, and that same dragon-like tattoo revealed itself. Followed right after, however, were glowing numbers and letters. Unlike the hieroglyphic-like pictures that appeared when Hestia updated our status, these ones were in perfect English, and I could fiddle with the information to my leisure.
[Midna.]
Species: [Twilight Imp (Self-proclaimed)]. [Black Goblin (Real)].
Status:
[Level: 1.]
[Strenght: I-27 --> I-42]
[Endurance: I-30 --> H-104]
[Dexterity: I-52 --> I-59]
[Agility: I-45 --> I-53]
[Magic: H-151 --> H-162]
Skills:
[Warp.]
[Shadowification.]
[Self-Proclaimed-Twilight.]
Magic:
[-]
My eyes flew open. So much so that for a moment, I forgot I had my boner sandwiched between fat gobbo cheeks. ‘’What the fuck?’’
Because seriously, the lazy-ass goblin that stayed back on every fight suddenly had almost the same Endurance as me before I decided to drink enough for ten men!
‘’Ohh yeah, that feels nice.’’ Midna hummed as, with the update done, her tattoo suddenly disappeared. ‘’Knew that I’d get a little bit tougher with that piece of beef.’’
Before I could question anything further, a moan escaped past my lips. Midna had morphed her hair into a hand once more and used it to stroke the top of my shaft that peeked over her ass-mounds. Find the original chapter at g.com.
‘’What do you say, hoomie?’’ Midna asked. Shamelessly teasing my dripping tip. ‘’Think I can take that fat human meat up my love-box, now?’’
‘Who the fuck is corny enough to call it a love-box?’ My mind provided. My mouth, however, had different concerns. ‘’…You know. We could long since fucked if you just used that Imp skill to make yourself a little bit bigger.’’
Midna rolled her lone eye with a scoff. ‘’And where’s the fun in that? I need to tease the line between being used like a living cocksleeve and getting my guts rearranged, hoomie.’’
…Well, I couldn’t fight against that logic.
‘’Now. Stop being such a worrywart.’’ She giggled. Spreading her cheeks and revealing her glowing, dripping holes.
I pursed my lips. ‘’Should I go down on you first or…’’
‘’Hoomie. I’ve been sopping wet since you bossed me around while dressed like a chick.’’ The crude admission made me sputter. Midna cackled and moved just enough to press her glowing, teal-colored pussy against my throbbing tip. ‘’Now push me on your dick and use me like a sextoy until I am a moaning, broken and tamed piece of goblin—FUCK!’’
I didn’t need to be told twice.
Half of my shaft was already inside the goblin before she could finish her sentence. The warm, pulsating walls around my cock gave me pause as I tried to fit it in.
‘’Holy shit, you’re tight…!’’ I moaned. My hands went to her hips. My eyes marveled for a bit at the way I could almost cover her entire stomach and back with my two hands alone. ‘’L-loossen up—Ah!—Will you?’’
‘’E-easy for you to saaaay…!’’ Mida groaned against the bedding. Her hands clutched the sheets tightly. Even so, she pushed into me, trying to fit even more inside. ‘’You’re not the one getting stuffed, hoomie! Just… put your back into it!’’
And she wasn’t kidding. I saw that magical hair of hers go all the way to my back and push me forward.
The pushing, teasing, and just how soppingly wet Midna was ended up in my shaft, suddenly popping all the way in. Every part of my cock and core felt like it was on fire, and something squeezed against my tip like a vice.
‘’F-fuck…’’ I rested my head into the imp’s neck.
A loud, high-pitched whine escaped past Midna’s lips, who had taken to biting the sheets to muffle herself. ‘’I… I shink you’re in mah whomb, hoomieee…!’’
‘’…That should be biologically impossible, but it’s hot as fuck.’’ I confessed. My eyes explored the goblin’s back. Now that we had gone this far, I wasn’t backing out for shit. ‘’Brace yourself, Midna…’’
‘’Brashe myself for whut—OHHH, Shit, shit, shiiit!’’ Midna’s intent at silence was shattered the moment I started thrusting. My pelvis met her hips with loud, clapping wet sounds. It was like my hips were moving out of their own volition! ‘’Yeshhh! Stuff me with your cock! Breed my greedy goblin nest! Make me your bitch—MPHN!’’
I put Midna’s head against the bed. Forcefully muffling her moans. ‘’S-shut up, you idiot… Hestia and Bell are going to hear us!’’ Even as I said that, I couldn’t stop.
Each time my tip hit the back of her womb, I felt her walls cling to me, making the following retreat much harder.
Midna’s lone eye was rolled back. Besides her magic hair, which was eagerly pushing me forward, she could barely move. Like this, it really seemed like I was using her like nothing but a living cock-sock.
And damn if the thought didn’t rile me up!
‘’Mhp, mnng, mhoooor—!’’ Midna shouted against the sheets. Her hands clutched the fabric like her life depended on it. ‘’Fill meeeeee!’’
And she didn’t have to wait long for that wish to come true. She was stupidly tight and wet, and watching her ass wobble with every thrust was too much even for me.
‘’Midna, I’m…!’’ I spoke through gritted teeth. If the goblin understood me or not, I didn’t know, but she sure as hell tightened the hell up. ‘’Take the damn cock you wanted so much… you slutty imp…!’’
One more thrust, and I felt my cock and balls throb.
A splash of our combined juices hit my pelvis as I felt myself drain inside those impossibly tight meat-walls. Midna’s body went limp. Even her hair went back to normal as she blabbered incoherently against the bed.
‘’…Holy shit.’’ I whispered. ‘’Monster pussy is fucking great.’’
I felt like I had just hit Nirvana, and I could take on ten of those Minotaurs with a hand behind my back.
Once the high of the orgasm receded, I slowly pulled myself out of Midna’s tight cunt. However, watching her cunt slowly ooze my load into the sheets, and her earlier words…
‘’Hey, goblin slut.’’ I grabbed Midna by the hair. The goblin looked at me with a half-lidded eye and a drooling mouth. ‘’Clean up.’’
Shamelessly, I stuck my softening shaft past Midna’s lips. ‘’HRK—! Ghk… Mhn—Lick—Hmmm.’’ Quick enough, she understood the assignment. Using that long tongue of hers to clean my cock top to bottom.
‘’Fuuuck…’’ I sighed. Feeling the greedy goblin suck anything that may have remained in my urethra. ‘’This is where life’s at…’’
Once she was satisfied enough with her cleaning, Midna popped my shaft out of her mouth. Leaving not a trace of cum or pussy-juice behind, just a layer of slick saliva.
‘’…That was the shit.’’ Midna chuckled. Pressing my softening cock against her cheek. ‘’Don’t think I’ll be able to walk tomorrow, Master~’’
My eyes wandered past her head and stone mask, to her shaky legs for a moment. Rolling my eyes, I placed a hand on top of her head.
‘’You just want an excuse to be lazy.’’ I huffed.
‘’…Maybe.’’
I snorted.
‘’Besides… that shit doesn’t fit you. ‘Master’ is for the classy, obedient girls.’’ I started with a grin. ‘’You’re just a cocky slut.’’
Now, just like everyone else, I was taught to respect a woman. However, if my girl has a full-body shiver the moment I call her a slut, then all bets are off.
‘’Fair…’’ Midna sighed. Then looked me in the eye and pressed a kiss on my tip. ‘’What about daddy?’’
My shaft throbbed against her face.
‘’Ah, you liked that, you freak!’’ Midna cackled. ‘’Discovering kinks with my hoomie is always fun~!’’
‘’Ugh, shut up…’’ I rolled my eyes. A sudden feeling of heat and embarrassment rose to my face.
We locked eyes for a moment, and then both of us burst into cackles. Midna floated around until her face was right in front of mine.
After a small moment of hesitation, I locked my lips with hers. Funnily enough, the taste of her juices was much stronger than my cum. Because I couldn’t taste the latter at all.
The small, wholesome moment lasted very little as Midna grinned… and used one of her hands to start stroking my shaft again. ‘’Round two?’’
‘’Do you even need to ask?’’ I smiled.
‘’Ayyyy!’’ Midna jumped to her feet. Looking down on me with her hands on her hips. ‘’This time, I’m riding that hooman-dick!’’
I could only snort at how ridiculous she was.
-X-x-X-
-Bonus Scene I: Thick Walls. Sharp Hearing-
-Bell Cranel-
‘’Yes! Give it to meeee… Give me that human cock!’’
Shameless.
‘’Hm. Those two… are they asleep?’’ Hestia asked with a hum. The food was halfway done, and their esteemed Goddess was sitting at the table, waiting for everything to finish cooking. ‘’I guess you have been running around all day… Bell, don’t you want to go take a nap too? I can finish up here, and I’ll wake you up a bit later.’’
‘’I-I’m fine… Lady Hestia.’’ Bell said through pursed lips. Trying to keep down the heat of her face by drinking tons of water. ‘’I’ll wait here… if you don’t mind.’’
‘’Of course I wouldn’t mind the company of my Little Bell~’’ Hestia chanted with an adorable grin. Swaying side to side in her seat.
‘’INSIDE! DO IT INSIDE—FUCK!’’
‘’Then… take it… dammit!’’
‘Absolutely shameless.’ Her hands clenched around the table.
Bell, at first, thought that her newest companions were just very open with their relationship. What could Midna’s stare that night mean otherwise, however…
‘’C-cummhinnnng!’’
Bell was starting to think that they were just degenerates. Absolute perverts. The type of people that the nice ladies back at her village told her to keep away from.
‘Worst part is… Lady Hestia doesn’t seem to notice at all!’ Bell lamented silently. ‘Damn ears! Stop catching weird sounds! Stay down, stay doooown!’
But the appendages did not obey her words at all. If anything, they stood straighter. Able to catch each and every sound coming from the room above.
And the worst part of all… is that Bell didn’t mind that much. If anything, the heat around her stomach…
Bell slammed her head against the table. Rocking the plates and utensils on top of it.
‘’Little Bell?!’’ Her Goddess shouted. Worry and panic in her tone. ‘’So you are tired after all! I’m always telling all of you not to push yourselves too hard!’’
‘I’m sorry, Lady Hestia… You’re mistaken to be worried…’ Bell lamented inside her mind. Her ears twitched as they caught the masculine grunts and high-pitched, feminine moans from above.
‘’Why are you crying all of a sudden?!’’ Hestia, unaware of Bell’s inner turmoil, merely hugged her side.
This caused Bell to freeze, as the petite woman’s divine mounds clutched her arms tight.
And the heat inside her core just got twice as bad.
‘I’m a pervert… Just like them… Please forgive me, Lady Hestiaaaa…’
-X-x-X-
-Bonus Scene II: Once Order Now Chaos-
-?-
The long hallways, proliferating with nothing but darkness and bloodthirsty beasts, hummed. Restless. Always in the hunt.
Nighttime was the perfect time for the maw of darkness to lick its wounds. Its children, killed and torn apart for the benefit of others, now had time to amass in numbers. To try one more day. Claim one more life.
Spite one more Deity.
The Sixth floor was particularly prolific when death was involved. As much as the so-called ‘’Adventurers’’ wished to deny it, the first true boss wasn’t down below, but right here.
Walls cracked. Revealing tall, humanoid-looking shadows. With crowns containing three spikes each, and limbs pointy and sharp, like a dagger. Their singular, ominously glowing eye looked around, searching for prey.
War Shadows. Silent monsters that hugged the walls close and struck the unprepared. This was a common occurrence. The shadows were more abundant here than they ever were on any other floor.
It could not be happier, seeing the abundance of this batch. Especially considering its… newfound pain in the neck. So to speak.
That was, until something weird happened.
Crrr—crack!
It was the roof that shattered this time. Usually, that would mean the presence of a Dungeon Lizard. However, considering the floor the spawn was happening on, the possibility of another War Shadow was higher.
And so, it was.
But as the newly-created monster fell to the ground. The Dungeon stilled.
…That was not a monster.
Instead of the lanky, sharp, and deadly shadow, a more curvaceous figure appeared. Like that of a young female. Its limbs were still long, and the body was covered head-to-toe in shadows.
But it was no Monster. Or, at least. Nothing that the Dungeon recognized.
And its more… special children should not be able to ‘‘spawn’’ on such higher floors.
‘’…Kill.’’ The ‘War Shadow’ articulated. It was a raspy, shy voice, but it was a voice nonetheless
It rose to its feet. Her hands, instead of three dagger-like fingers, held five. Still sharp, still deadly, but different. ‘’Feed… Kill…’’
Soulless, black eyes focused on its brethren. And without a smidge of hesitation, the speaking shadow pounced.
The Dungeon contemplated in astonishment as the figure carved through shadows like butter. Each kill was a Magic Stone. Each Magic Stone was food.
And as the War Shadow fed itself, its features kept changing. Long, shadowy protrusions from its head, akin to a luscious mane of hair. Feminine assets that the creature should have no necessity for also became more pronounced as the monster kneeled on the floor, munching on the Magic Stones of its fallen brethren.
‘’…Hungry.’’ It spoke. Its voice was less raspy, yet still small.
And so, the War Shadow started wandering the Sixth Floor.
…
Meanwhile, the Dungeon had no more than one question.
What the absolute fuck?
-X-x-X-.
.
.
Author's Note:
Indeed, the 2nd Monstergirl is a War Shadow. Not even the Dungeon knows what the fuck is going on anymore.
ngl, I was cackling while writing the Tittus part.
My boy finally tapped that gobbo ass. It's enough to make a grown man cry!
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