Kaito didn’t answer his own question right away.
Instead, he suddenly said something that seemed totally random.
“Did you know, Gojo-sensei, that every time a person farts, they release about 0.02% of microscopic feces?”
“HUH??” Gojo, still trying to seriously ponder where the energy went, blinked.
He had always considered himself to have a pretty eccentric, jumpy train of thought.
Everyone who knew him said so.
But meeting Kaito today redefined the term for him.
‘We’re talking about a crisis that could end the world, and you’re bringing up 0.02% fart-shit?!
Are you messing with me?!’
“Honestly, I think cursed spirits are pretty much the same thing,” Kaito went on.
Luckily, he wasn’t just joking.
“When people feel negative emotions, they leak a tiny bit of cursed energy. Isn’t that basically the same?”
Gojo thought about it for a second.
“…You’re absolutely right.”
Negative emotions leaking microscopic cursed energy = Farts carrying microscopic shit.
Therefore:
Cursed spirits could basically be viewed as a giant turd formed from a massive accumulation of ‘0.02% micro-shits’?
“Cursed spirits were just piles of micro-shits stacking up,” Kaito shrugged his tentacles.
“But after that incident, let alone the ‘0.02%’ condensing into curses, even the ‘full turds’ still stuck inside people’s stomachs vanished entirely.”
“Digestion produces waste, and negative emotions produce energy. Those are the fundamental rules of this world.”
“Itadori and Maru didn’t change the rules of the world. They only changed the human soul.”
“The energy still exists, but because it’s no longer converted into cursed energy by the soul, it doesn’t naturally bind itself within the human body anymore.”
“It just spreads out, mixes, and settles somewhere else…”
“And that’s how a cesspool was created.”
Kaito smacked his lips.
“We called it the Warp, or just… Hell.”
Gojo’s expression turned incredibly serious.
The logic actually made perfect sense!!
“So, entities far more terrifying than cursed spirits were born inside this ‘Warp,’ right?” Gojo concluded.
Cursed spirits were just the accumulation of microscopic, leaked cursed energy.
But what Kaito was describing was the complete, unfiltered accumulation of the entire human race’s negative energy!
“Exactly. And two different kinds of beings came from it,” Kaito went on, still looking completely serious even as he talked nonsense.
“The first category… we called them the Chaos Gods.”
“Just like normal cursed spirits today, the negative emotions fueling them were incredibly complex and mixed together. Jealousy, resentment, depression, hatred, anger, shame, regret, and so on.”
“This complex, filthy amalgamation of energy gave birth to humanity’s greatest enemies—the Four Chaos Gods of the Warp.”
“They were Khorne, Tzeentch, Nurgle, and Slaanesh.”
Kaito paused to give Gojo a moment to take it all in before he kept going.
“The second category… we called them Devils.”
“Similar to the Special Grade cursed spirits of today, they were born from humanity’s strongest, most primal negative emotion: Fear.”
“However, the average strength of a Devil was far below that of the four Chaos Gods, because fear is usually directed at specific subjects.”
“A certain creature, a certain object, a certain concept—as long as it incites fear in humans, it will birth a corresponding Devil.”
“That’s why there were so many of them, but their strength was all over the place. The energy from a specific fear only went to its matching Devil, unlike the Chaos Gods, who each got a huge share of mixed energy.”
“Death, Pain, Famine, Noise, Darkness, Falling, Aging… these primal, deep-rooted human fears gave birth to the strongest tier of Devils.”
“Even if someone managed to modify the Pathway of Souls again to give humanity cursed energy back, the Chaos Gods and Devils that already exist wouldn’t disappear.”
“At most, it would only slow down how fast they got their power back. And they have their own ways to deal with that.”
“That is the crisis of the future.”
“Calling it the apocalypse wouldn’t be an exaggeration.”
The secret room went totally quiet.
The only noise was Kaito slurping his beer now and then.
He honestly had no clue how his tiny, palm-sized body managed to finish two whole cans.
And all that stuff about Chaos Gods and Devils?
He was just stealing ideas from Warhammer 40k and Chainsaw Man.
But it all sounded pretty convincing, didn’t it?!
Who was actually going to fact-check a made-up story about the future?
Even if aliens showed up in sixty-eight years, would they really want to risk testing whether the Chaos Gods and Devils were real after hearing this nonsense?
“Good grief…” Gojo leaned back against the sofa, letting his entire body relax and sink into the cushions.
“Aside from when I first mastered Reverse Cursed Technique, this is the first time I’ve ever felt this incredibly lucky.”
“Lucky that you came back here. Lucky that we can prevent all these tragedies from ever happening.” Gojo smiled, looking completely relaxed.
A complex mix of relief and gratitude shone in his blue eyes.
‘Hahahaha, he bought it!
He really bought all of it!!
HAHAHAHA!!!’
‘I’m a genius!
An absolute mastermind!’ Kaito laughed to himself, doing his best to keep a straight face—even though, as a blob with one eye and a mouth, he couldn’t really show much expression anyway.
At first, Kaito made up his identity just to earn some trust.
After all, who would trust a ‘reader’ who saw their whole world as just a story?
But a comrade fighting on their side—even one from the future—was a whole different story.
At first, that was as far as his plan went.
But now…
‘This is way too fucking fun!’
Kaito took a big gulp of beer to keep himself from bursting out laughing.
“You’re celebrating too early. I don’t have the power to do much of anything right now. I have to rely on you, and you’ve got a lot of work ahead of you.”
“Haha, of course! Leave it to me!” Gojo tossed his empty can aside, cracked open a fresh one, and leaned in close, his face slightly flushed with a drunken buzz.
He started patting and squishing Kaito without caring at all about how strong he was.
“With a junior from the future watching me, I’ll have to make sure I look cool!” Gojo cheered.
“The present, the future—I’ll take care of all of it!”
“Come on! Cheers!”
Kaito was almost dunked right into Gojo’s beer can and was left speechless.
‘One can of beer and he’s already a sloppy drunk?!’
‘Seriously?!
So weak?!’
‘No wonder the fanbook said he hates alcohol.
His tolerance is literally zero.’
Whatever.
It didn’t matter.
He’d already handed off all the hard work and complicated plans to Gojo, so he could put up with a little squishing.
“Cheers… to hope!”
Gojo blinked in surprise, then raised his can with a wide grin, repeating, “To hope!”
“And to… the future!”
“To the future!”
“And to Itadori!”
“Haha, to Itadori!”
“Cheers! x2”
Glug~ Glug~ Glug~
Glug~ Glug~ Glug~
“Hah—that hits the spot! Let me tell you, Gojo-sensei, that Fushiguro kid is a fraud! I literally never heard a single thing about him in my time. If Emperor Itadori hadn’t mentioned him, I wouldn’t have even known he existed!”
“I only found out later that he tanked too many Unlimited Voids, got early-onset dementia, and ended up summoning Mahoraga to suicide-bomb a random stray dog on the side of the road! Hahahaha…”
Gojo couldn’t hold back his laughter either.
“Hahahaha, for real?! Unlimited Void? Oh, right, the Shinjuku Showdown you mentioned! What a shame, I had high hopes for him!”
“Would I lie to you?!” Kaito’s single eye widened indignantly.
“Whatever, whatever, forget about him.”
“Let me tell you the story of Emperor Itadori battling the Four Chaos Gods, sitting atop the Golden Throne, and suppressing the Hell Warp…”
“Haha! Emperor Itadori sounds way too overpowered!”
“Right?!”
The two kept drinking and talking, with Kaito swaying his blob-like body as if he was totally drunk.
In reality, a man is only about 30% drunk—the rest is just acting for dramatic effect!
And of course, a ‘drunk’ man always tells the ‘truth.’
“…Man, me making it back here was an impossible miracle!”
“How so?” Gojo asked, dizzy but still perfectly playing along as the straight man.
“It all started with the Devils. Some of them are actually friendly to humans. There was this… hic~ Devil named Pochita! He looked like the Chainsaw Devil, but he was really the Birth Devil!”
Gojo: “Whoa~~ SUGOI!”
Kaito slurred a bit as he went on, “And there was a Future Devil too! So it was the Birth Devil, the Future Devil, and Emperor Itadori.”
“The three of them chose me.”
“Because my technique… can summon the most fraudulent state of a Devil too.”
“Even if it’s a fraud, it still represents the Devil’s concept, so it could protect me to some extent during the time travel.”
“And then, through a bunch of crazy operations I didn’t even understand, I ended up here.”
“But right before I left, their condition… sigh… Drink! Drink! Glug glug glug~”
Gojo patted him heavily.
“D-Don’t overthink it! You making it here is exactly what they hoped for! Drink!”
Kaito practically dove headfirst into his beer can.
Gojo followed suit and drained another one.
“Burp~ Empty? You still drinking, Gojo-sensei?”
“Drinking!”
“Hell yeah! Let’s go!”
A man and a blob staggered out of the secret, protected room, both swaying as they went…
…
Noon the next day.
Kaito woke up to find himself surrounded by a pile of old men who had been violently killed.
He stared at the still-snoring Gojo with bewilderment.