"So, you want to kill Venom?" I asked after the woman jumped through the window onto the front seat of Bobbi's car.
I had to sit in the back, and we continued on our route. Next stop, an electronics store.
"Not exactly, handsome. I don't give a shit about your Venom. But someone's paying good money for her. You've probably heard of me. The talkative mercenary."
"Yeah, the Bottomless Gullet, the Loose Cannon, the Unhinged One." I smirked, listing the mercenary's nicknames. I didn't know how famous Deadpool was in this world.
"The brainless regenerator, or the regenerating degenerate," the woman added herself. "Whatever. It's all me. But the key word here is mercenary, you know? Some rich ladies hire me to do their dirty work. Usually, to rid the world of other ladies."
"So someone wanted Venom, and they paid you to get her?" Bobbi held her breath next to me.
"Aren't you clever?" Deadpool exclaimed with delight. "Do you eat Raisin Bran?"
I didn't bother commenting on such a childish remark.
"Okay, you know me. I'm a sellout mercenary with no honor or conscience. Why are you getting involved in this shit? Are you some kind of Girl Scout..." Deadpool looked at me with a sarcastic, questioning tone. "Boy Scout?"
"Something like that," I said. "Venom is killing people in my city. If I can stop her, I will."
"Wow." Deadpool turned and started talking to someone in the window. "This guy's a real hero. We need to get him a bow and arrow and start a solo project. Turn him into Private America. No offense, but Captain material you're not."
That was one thing I would never miss. Deadpool's stupid sense of humor.
"Do you know any of Venom's weaknesses? How were you planning to catch her?" I tried to steer the conversation back on track.
"Well, shoving a meter of sharp steel up her ass slows her down for a bit. But of all the people I've tried that game with, Venom handled it the best. Even I needed more time to... let's pretend I didn't say that."
"That's because she needs time to heal her host," I said, ignoring the mercenary's jokes. I hoped they were jokes.
"Yeah, I saw. There's some old lady inside," Deadpool confirmed.
"Dr. Stans," Bobbi perked up. "She's my friend. I want to save her. And she's not old."
Bobbi had apparently decided not to tell Deadpool about her intentions regarding Venom herself, only sharing part of the truth. That was smart of her.
"What about that poison?" I asked. "Spider Woman told me you had a plan to distract Venom and take her down with some kind of venom."
"Oh, that." The mercenary sighed with irritation. "The girl screwed up my whole plan. And I thought we could be friends. Why was she so upset about that secretary? She jumped out the window herself. And I borrowed that poison from the guys who tried to take down Venom at the hospital. Hey, I definitely didn't touch them. They lost their own heads without my help."
For emphasis, Deadpool drew her finger across her throat, making Bobbi turn green at the unpleasant memory.
"Ooh, so sensitive. Hey, little girl, maybe you should go home?" But the former criminal only gripped the steering wheel tighter.
"Can you show me the poison?" I asked.
The mercenary pulled a miniature handheld injector from one of her many pockets and showed it to us. I recognized the logo on the handle. SHIELD.
"Well, I have a guess about where you might find Venom." Both women fell silent and turned their attention to me. "Spider Woman and I were at Connors's lab. Judging by the tracks, Venom was there too. She grabbed some equipment and the serum Karen was developing. I don't know how Venom found out about Connors's research, but we know where she might have gone with the stolen equipment."
"Cindy's mansion," Bobbi exclaimed. "Why didn't I think of that? All of Stans's equipment and notes are still there. Do you think Stans wants to continue her work?"
"Oh, mad scientist labs. A classic." Deadpool perked up. "If there's one thing I'm good at, it's destroying those kinds of places. It's one of my many special talents."
"Stans isn't mad," Bobbi snapped.
"Whatever you say, sweetheart." Deadpool pulled out one of her pistols and cocked the hammer. "If that's true, she'll be cooperative, and I won't have to use this."
"And why did you do that?" I smirked. "It's almost an hour's drive to the place. Put that gun back where you got it and listen to me. I have a couple of ideas about Venom. Let's start prepping now."
I pointed toward the store we needed, and Bobbi obediently parked.
"Deadpool, do you know anything about car audio systems and amplifiers?"
"You bet." The mercenary perked up.
"Loud noises might help against Venom. Really loud noises. So go pick out the most powerful system in that store."
"Okay. I don't know why, but I trust you. I'll be quick." The woman got out of the car and walked briskly toward the store, scaring customers with her appearance.
"Does she even have money?" Bobbi worried. "Her suit is skin tight."
"She must. She carries bullets in her pockets. Why not a credit card?" I stopped the girl, who was about to follow Deadpool. "Bobbi, you saw what Venom is capable of. I know you want to save Stans, but don't try anything on your own. That poison vial has a government agency logo on it. They're already on Venom's trail. They won't let her go, not after all the chaos at the hospital and on the streets."
The girl wanted to protest, but I made a stern face to tell her to be quiet. Bobbi didn't understand what was wrong, but she held back her objections.
"Right now, thanks to her healing factor, Deadpool is the only one who has a chance of stopping the symbiote. But I don't know who she's working for. It might be dangerous to hand Venom over to her. After the mercenary neutralizes the symbiote, the best option would be to give it to SHIELD."
"I see," Bobbi whispered. "Are you connected to them somehow?"
"No, I just know about them. And they don't know about me. I'd like to keep it that way." I paused, then continued. "But chances are, they're watching her. Which means they already know about us. I'm almost certain they'll join the fun at the mansion."
Bobbi finally understood why I had been so evasive. I hadn't mentioned once that she had been Venom's host. The only person who knew the symbiote had been inside her was Dr. Stans, and she wasn't talking yet. Who knew how things would turn out?
Just then, there was a commotion from the store. Customers and staff were running out. Soon, the cause appeared. Two sweating store employees, under the watchful eye of Deadpool's guns, were carrying a whole sound system toward our car.
"Faster, girls. The sooner you start, the sooner you finish." The mercenary's pistol occasionally fired, issuing new orders. "I left my wallet at home," she shrugged at my disapproving look.
"Great," I hissed. "Now we're accessories to armed robbery."
Two hours and many curses later, we finally arrived at the presumed location of this world's version of Venom. Cindy's mansion looked abandoned. Complete silence, not a living soul in the yard or the surrounding area. The gates were hospitably wide open. There was no security, of course. But once inside, we noticed that the surveillance cameras were working and watching us.
"If Venom is here," Bobbi pointed at a camera, "she already knows we've arrived."
"I like it," Deadpool announced. "Looks like a typical villain's lair. Okay, boys..." The mercenary paused, looking at me. "Oh, right, you're the boy. I keep forgetting. You're so brave, sweetie."
She patted my face with her leather gloved hand. I felt a sudden urge to tase her right then and there.
"According to the laws of the genre, secondary characters like you die in situations like this. So leave the car running so I can use it if I need to, and go home."
The mercenary put her hand on Bobbi's shoulder.
"You're a brave girl, Bobbi, but this isn't for you. Find yourself a guy and a job. Peter." Her hand moved to my shoulder. "We'll bang, okay?"
*
*
*
Ignoring the kids, Deadpool headed inside.
"Shit," she suddenly exclaimed. "Where's the lab? I forgot to ask."
The mercenary scratched her head with the barrel of one of her pistols, trying to decide which way to go.
"In my experience, things like that are always hidden underground. I'm going down."
After a few minutes of wandering and searching a dozen rooms, she found a massive metal door that had been smashed with enormous force, as if crushed by giant hands. Pleased with the find, Deadpool slipped inside.
"You're still following me," came a threatening hiss as soon as the mercenary crossed the threshold. "But thank you for bringing Parker."
"So you finally decided to use your tentacles for their intended purpose? I always said they could be put to better use." The mercenary turned toward the voice. "Just be careful. Boys like it when you play gently with the prostate. You might have trouble with that. But don't worry, I'll share my experience."
"Who do you think you are?" Despite her excellent reflexes, Deadpool missed the first blow and found herself pinned to the floor, her shoulder pierced by a tendril of Venom's black flesh.
The symbiote loomed over her face, threatening with rows of sharp, gleaming teeth. But the mercenary didn't show she was fazed, even if she was scared.
"I'm Deadpool. I'm a very talkative mercenary." The woman decided to introduce herself. "And I love guns, swords, lawnmowers, and other things that should be kept out of the reach of children. Like grenades. I have so many of them stuffed in various dark, wet places that I don't even know what each one does. Let's find out."
The mercenary shoved her hand, clutching a grenade, into the monster's open mouth. Venom tried to recoil, but Deadpool was faster. With her free hand, she first cut off her own wrist, turning her hand into a weapon, then drove her blade into the creature's chin to keep her from spitting out the hand with the grenade.
There was no time to escape. A second later, the explosion tore through Venom's upper body. The blast also hit Deadpool with a hail of shrapnel. Some of it lodged in her brain, knocking her out for a few seconds. And that should have been the end of Stans as Venom's host. Half her head had been blown off. If Peter Parker had been there, he would have noticed that even the symbiote from his world couldn't repair that kind of brain damage.
Waking up, Deadpool saw the symbiote's mass filling the missing sections of the woman's skull, then beginning to rebuild them. Soon, only the absence of gray hair on the wrinkled scalp remained as a reminder of the injury.
"Oh," Deadpool groaned, getting up. "That was powerful. I see you liked it too. But that was just the foreplay."
Making a quick lunge, Deadpool injected the poison into the woman's chest, taking advantage of the fact that the symbiote hadn't fully recovered from the explosion and hadn't covered her host's body with its protection.
"Now it's time for the sex," Deadpool finished, only to be thrown back by a punch. "Although you probably don't know what that's like."
The symbiote immediately covered its host's body and ejected the injector.
"Fool. You have to inject the symbiote, not the human host." Venom laughed.
"Shit. I should have read the instructions." The mercenary ran for the exit, but this time Venom wasn't about to let her go.
Despite all of Deadpool's impressive skills, she couldn't outrun the symbiote. No sooner had the mercenary reached the mansion's foyer than she felt her feet leave the ground. Looking down, she saw a tentacle protruding from her chest. Then the symbiote's powerful muscles ripped Deadpool's body in half at the waist and scattered the pieces in different corners of the building.
"Pathetic insect." The symbiote spat and turned its back on Deadpool. But the mercenary spoke again.
"Why did you have to do that? Now it'll take me hours to grow new legs. And that hurts, by the way."
"When will you just die already?" Venom hissed and moved toward the speaking half, which was trying to crawl to the exit on its hands.
"Your tenacity is amazing for a human," Venom noted, casually impaling Deadpool's upper torso with her claws.
"That's nothing." Deadpool spat blood but kept smiling. "Your daddy's dick was really amazing. And how he worked his tongue up my ass was just a fairy tale."
"Idiot." The symbiote's mouth opened, revealing Stans's face. "My mother used artificial insemination."
"Oh, if she was as beautiful as you, no wonder. How old are you? Ninety? A hundred?"
"I'm just wasting my time on you. You're trash. Where's Parker? He came with you."
"Closer than you think," Deadpool smiled.
Just then, they heard an engine roar. The next second, the mansion's front doors were knocked off their hinges by the bumper of the pickup truck Bobbi had stolen from this very mansion not long ago. The vehicle spun and stopped in the middle of the foyer, its cargo bed facing the fighters. Huge speakers were visible above the sides.
"Did someone order a disco?" Parker asked, standing between the speakers and flipping a switch.
But instead of music, a deafening noise poured from the speakers. It was so loud that even Deadpool's head hurt, unlike Parker and Bobbi, who had put on protective headphones. Parker himself watched Venom's reaction closely, turning the knob on his phone to adjust the frequency.
Fortunately for the former Spider Man, this Venom was just as vulnerable to sound attacks as the one he had faced in his own world. The symbiote writhed in agony, peeling away from Stans's body in large chunks, until it finally separated completely.
Having achieved the desired result, Peter rushed to the symbiote and, using tools from the hardware store, placed it in a thick metal bucket with a tight rubber lid. Only then did he turn off the noise.
"Thank God." The remains of Deadpool stirred. "That thing was worse than any torture I've ever endured."
"Doctor." Bobbi jumped out of the truck's cab and rushed to the woman who had fallen to the floor. "What..." Shocked, she stared at the familiar woman's face. "What happened to you, Doctor?"
"What about me?" Deadpool whined. "They made kebab out of me. She's just unconscious."
"Unconscious? Can't you see? She's completely old," Bobbi exclaimed.
"What's wrong with that?" Deadpool asked in surprise, walking over to them.
She was moving with the help of feet that had grown directly from her stomach and one intact hand. Her suit had been almost completely destroyed by her close encounter with Venom. Now she was showing off her body, disfigured by cancer and torture scars.
"You're a walking zombie horror show," Peter whistled, then looked at Stans. "She was about sixty years younger the last time I saw her."