“I, the prophesied Last Dragonborn, Arch-Mage of the College of Winterhold, Imperial general, Harbinger of the Companions, Guildmaster of the Thieves Guild, legendary Nightingale, and leader of the Dawnguard—but why! Why doesn’t a single person know who I am?!”
“You! Yeah, you, the idiot guarding the gate! I don’t care whether you’ve been shot in the knee or not. I just want to ask—do you know me? That’s right, me! The Imperial general, Arch-Mage of Winterhold, Harbinger of the Companions… Never mind. I already know you don’t.”
“No, I know you. Someone in Whiterun was killed last time, and I know you were seen there. I know you’re with the Dark Brotherhood. Please, don’t kill me.”
…
What a garbage game!
Xie Han suddenly hurled his mouse across the room.
“Give me one good reason why this game is so damn stupid!”
Wasn’t an assassin supposed to keep their identity hidden?
Why the hell did some completely unrelated guard, half a map away, know that he was with the Dark Brotherhood?
And why, despite having so many illustrious identities, did the game not recognize a single one of them?!
Garbage!
Xie Han had completely given up on The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim.
“Slap!”
Xie Han suddenly smacked his thigh in frustration.
Whatever.
Being disappointed was fine, but he had almost forgotten that he hadn’t opened the game this time just to play it!
He had heard that a certain “gentleman’s mod” had just been updated.
Cough, cough.
Nowadays, any random nobody apparently dared to make something as lofty as a mod.
For the sake of ensuring the quality of these mods, Xie Han had decided to sacrifice himself for the greater good and test it personally.
If the experience turned out to be terrible, he would simply report it, preventing the creator from deceiving any more fellow enthusiasts.
“Hmm, found it. Thunder download. Okay!”
Xie Han stared at the computer with eager anticipation.
…
The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim was a game Xie Han had deleted and reinstalled countless times.
The main problem was that the game became somewhat boring after playing it for too long.
But then it would periodically get a bunch of new mods, and eventually Xie Han simply left the game sitting there untouched, only opening it whenever a new mod came out.
Before he knew it, the original ten-gigabyte game had somehow been bloated into thirty gigabytes, with more than a thousand mods installed.
Yet despite all that, Xie Han had never once completed the game’s main storyline.
Who wanted to do the main quest?
It was boring!
Running around the map was much more fun.
This time, he had reopened the game mainly because he heard that a newly updated gentleman’s mod was pretty good.
Although Xie Han had heard about gentleman’s mods for a long time, this was actually his first time trying one.
So naturally, he downloaded it to investigate.
…
“Why is this so slow?”
Xie Yiming stared at the download speed on Thunder, which was hovering around one or two hundred KB per second.
It was crawling along like a tortoise.
Just then, a pop-up appeared in the bottom-right corner of the screen:
Activate membership to increase download speed.
What the hell?
Are they trying to force me to buy a membership?
As if!
Why would he waste money on that?
Xie Han looked at the computer and sneered.
“Damn it, damn it, damn it! Even after buying membership it’s this slow! What a bunch of scammers!”
Xie Han rolled his eyes.
Forget it.
He might as well watch a movie while waiting.
Avengers: Infinity War had apparently premiered yesterday, right?
With that thought, Xie Han began searching online for a copy.
It was just that going to the cinema alone when you were single was basically the same as walking into a crematorium.
By the time you came out, you’d probably be nothing but ashes.
Going with his roommate?
A few single guys going together didn’t seem much different.
Wait…
There was apparently only one single guy in the dorm.
Xie Han.
Forget it.
He’d watch the movie.
He quickly found a copy online.
Although, well…
Putting aside the silhouettes of people blocking the screen, the background noise, and the atrocious video quality…
Everything else was pretty good.
“Hey! Bro, point the camera over there!”
“Can’t you see that couple kissing?!”
“On behalf of the FFF Inquisition, burn them!”
In the end, Xie Han gave up on watching the pirated movie.
Not because the image quality was terrible, nor because the guy filming had ridiculously shaky hands.
The main reason was that the cameraman had absolutely no idea how to capture the important parts!
If he’d pointed the camera over there, this video would’ve gone viral!
Did he even understand?
In the end, Xie Han figured he might as well play Skyrim to kill some time and familiarize himself with the controls.
The mod’s controls might be a little unusual, but fundamentally, everything worked the same way.
So Xie Han switched back to the desktop and launched Skyrim, loading up an ancient save file.
“Huh? Where am I?”
The Hall of the Companions?
The next quest was to fight Alduin?
“I’m here for entertainment. Who cares about your quest?”
Xie Han immediately fast-traveled to Whiterun and began his usual carefree-player routine.
He wandered around, stole 500 gold from an innkeeper, gave a beggar one gold coin…
In other words—
Rob the rich and help the poor!
An hour later, Xie Han was in Riften, controlling his character as he brawled with a group of thieves.
You had to admit, this game was ridiculous.
He was the freaking Guildmaster of the Thieves Guild.
Riften was practically his territory.
Yet the thieves who spawned at night would actually attack him!
What kind of ridiculous game design was that?
Xie Han was busy complaining when suddenly a pop-up appeared, kicking him straight back to the desktop.
The message read:
Insufficient resources.
Download cannot continue.
WTF?
Xie Han stared at the screen with a bewildered expression.
What did that mean?
The download had failed?
His mod?
His gentleman’s dream?
Broken!
Xie Han sighed in disappointment.
What a waste of emotions.
He suddenly didn’t even feel like playing anymore.
He casually opened the webpage from earlier.
The pirated Avengers: Infinity War was still playing.
And it had just reached an exciting scene—
Thor, wielding the power of the six Infinity Stones, had forcibly slashed Thanos.
“Tsk, tsk, tsk. Bro, why didn’t you aim for the head?!”
“If you’d gone for the head, the whole movie would’ve been over!”
Sure enough, Thanos, who hadn’t been killed by the blow, mocked Thor before unleashing his ultimate move.
He was about to snap his fingers.
You know, that kind of:
Bam, bam, bam~!
Xie Han knew exactly what was about to happen.
The Infinity Gauntlet, equipped with all six Infinity Stones, didn’t cost 998, didn’t cost 298—
It only cost 98…
No, wait.
All it took was one casual snap of the fingers, and half the living beings in the entire universe would instantly go GG.
And the victims were chosen completely at random.
At the time, this premise had completely shocked Xie Han.
What if Thanos snapped his fingers and somehow ended up being one of the people who disappeared?
He knew full well that this couldn’t happen in the movie, but human imagination was limitless.
And while Thanos’s original intention might have sounded noble, why couldn’t he have gone with family planning instead?
Think about it.
One snap, and the entire universe would be forced to limit everyone to having only one child.
How awesome would that be?
And it would be completely peaceful!
No fighting, no killing.
Violence!
As Xie Han’s imagination ran wild, Thanos finally snapped his fingers, an act that would wipe out half the universe.
And then…
Something incredible happened.
What the hell?!
The Infinity Gauntlet was knocked off Thanos’s hand by his own snap?!
Xie Han sat in front of the computer with a completely dumbfounded expression.
This plot…
Was a little too unexpected.
Such a dramatic and exciting twist.
The screenwriter’s imagination was incredible.
And the director was genuinely bold enough to film it!
Marvel was really taking the comedy all the way to the end.
So what happened next?
Would Thor just stand there?
Would Thanos pick up the gauntlet and snap his fingers again?
“Eh? Why did the computer blue-screen?”
Right at the exciting part, the computer screen suddenly began glowing blue.
Xie Han slapped the monitor.
It couldn’t have crashed at such a critical moment, could it?
Could that gentleman’s mod he had downloaded earlier have contained a virus?
“Bang! Bang! Bang!”
Xie Han slapped the computer a few more times.
Suddenly, a golden gauntlet rolled out from inside the computer.
A blue gemstone embedded in it was still glowing brightly.
“What is this?”
Xie Han stared blankly at the gauntlet.
Am I dreaming?
His hands trembled slightly as he picked the gauntlet up from the desk.
“Oh my god… Is this real?”
His mind went completely blank.
He could clearly feel the hard, cold texture of the gauntlet in his hands.
Xie Han suddenly raised the gauntlet and slammed it against his forehead.
“Ow! Damn, that hurts!”
“Holy crap! It’s real!”
“I’m rich! I’m freaking rich! I am Superman!”
Xie Han was ecstatic.
He stood beside his computer desk and began dancing a ridiculous dance that no one his age should have known.
A dance from the 1980s.
Xie Han could already imagine how dramatically his future had changed.
From now on, he might not necessarily be saving the world…
But he would definitely be on his way to saving the world.
“Hahaha! From now on, call me Gauntlet Man!”
“No, Gem Man!”
“Hmm, neither of those works. What should I call myself?”
“Something cool… I need a badass superhero name.”
After all, who didn’t have a hero dream?
Just as Xie Han happily pondered his future superhero identity—
Crack.
A strange sound suddenly came from the gauntlet.
Xie Han looked down suspiciously.
His expression changed from confusion… to surprise… to shock… and finally to sheer terror.
A blue gemstone fell from the gauntlet right in front of his eyes.
Bang!
The Earth exploded.
The End.