[Maya PoV]
[Going out for drinks with colleagues. Will be late, so go to bed first.]
On Friday night, a message arrives from him.
Looking at the smartphone that doesn’t have anyone’s contact other than him, I feel an inexplicable sense of despair.
Friday used to be the day I met my ex, Naoki, the most. The most common excuse was always ‘There’s a drinking party at work.’
During the time I was with Naoki, I wonder how he felt, waiting for me to come home late.
[Maybe she’s cheating.]
It’s only natural to be consumed by such suspicion.
Especially considering who I am now.
If Kazunari were indeed cheating, what should I do?
Surely, he would leave me, and he would enjoy endless happy days with his affair partner.
It’s not just a chill down my spine. It’s the despair of seeing the happiness that was right in front of me, the happiness I could have definitely grasped if I had just been better, disappearing.
I can’t endure such darkness, not even close. It feels like I might throw away my life.
How foolish I’ve been. How many times have I regretted it to the point of wanting to kill myself?
If I could turn back time before cheating, I would do anything. That’s the absolute truth, without even a hint of a lie.
But there’s no way he would believe such feelings. At least, not him now.
So, all I can do is endure. Until he understands, even if I’m trembling at the thought of being abandoned at any moment.
Yet, despite all this, foolish as I am…
[Look at me. Look at who I am now. I won’t make the same mistake again.]
[For your sake, and yours alone, I’ll serve you faithfully for the rest of my life. So please, forgive me and look at me properly.]
[Because you won’t believe just words when it comes to who the most important person is, I’ll show you through my actions.]
I say it, even though I know he couldn’t possibly believe such words.
My heart is in pain, breaking. No matter how much I endure, there’s no light in these days, and my heart feels like it’s about to shatter.
Above all, it’s unbearable that my true feelings aren’t believed.
…
Realizing, even though I’m aware that there’s no way such a selfish person like me could ever be loved by him, I can only cling to hope. I’m the most foolish creature in this world.
Ugly, a wretched creature.
As I pick up the broken coffee cup, the sense of self-blame only grows larger, and tears overflow.
But this is all I can do now.
—Gather up the shattered pieces of what’s important, no matter how broken they are.