Later that evening, the Dunphy family, along with a perpetually grounded Ethan, arrived at Jay’s house for the dreaded football party.
Jay greeted them at the door, trying to feign enthusiasm.
“Hi, hi, hi, hi!
How ya doin’?” Jay said, shaking hands.
“Hey, Gramps,” Alex greeted him.
“Hi, beautiful,” Jay said, giving Claire a peck on the cheek.
“Hi, Jay,” Phil said, attempting a friendly handshake.
“Hi, Phil.
Good to see ya,” Jay replied, his voice flat.
“Let me guess.
Game’s on?” Claire asked, already hearing the roar of the TV from the den.
“Just started,” Jay confirmed.
Phil, ever thoughtful, handed Jay a bottle of wine.
“Hey.
For you.” He then turned to Gloria.
“It’s nice to see you, Gloria.”
“Ah!
Two times today,” Gloria said, her voice dripping with mock surprise.
“Okay, well-” Phil started, confused.
“Uh, Phil?” Claire interjected, sighing.
“She means we’ve seen them two times today.”
Jay, eager to escape the domestic drama, gestured inside.
“Okay, everybody, the food’s in there.
The drinks are in there.
I’ll be in here.” He started to retreat towards the den.
“Hold on, Jay,” Phil called out, stopping him.
“I think we should address the elephant in the room.
Uh, Luke, Manny.
Bring it in.” Luke and Manny, still looking sulky after their schoolyard fight, slowly walked over, keeping a safe distance from the coffee table.
“Come on.
Huddle up.
Football!” Phil urged, trying to inject some sportsmanship into the situation.
They reluctantly moved closer.
“Now, in light of what happened at school today, do you have any feelings you’d like to express?
I think this is the proper forum-”
Jay, having heard enough of Phil’s touchy-feely approach, cut him off.
“For God’s sakes.
All right, both of you.
Now, in this family, do we kick and punch each other, or do we love each other?”
“Love each other,” Manny and Luke mumbled in unison.
“That’s right,” Jay said, then clapped them both soundly on the head, one after the other.
“I’ll be in the den.” He retreated, leaving the lingering awkwardness in his wake.
Ethan, still sore about his grounding, seized the moment.
“When can I have my phone back?”
Claire gave him a stern look.
“You’re grounded.”
Ethan, ever the literalist, countered, “If I were grounded, shouldn’t I be at home?”
Claire’s eyes narrowed.
“You want to make it two months?”
Ethan immediately backed down.
“Not particularly.”
“Then I suggest you go somewhere else,” Claire finished, pointing vaguely towards the living room.
Ethan, sighing dramatically, went to sit on the couch.
Manny, however, kept staring at him, a curious expression on his face.
“What?” Ethan asked, annoyed.
“What was it like?” Manny asked, his voice hushed.
“What was like?” Ethan repeated, confused.
“It?” Manny clarified, a hint of awe in his voice.
Ethan, realizing Manny was asking about his supposed sexual encounter with Cassandra, felt a wave of acute discomfort.
He quickly got up, muttering an excuse, and headed into the kitchen, desperate to escape the conversation.
In the kitchen, Claire was already setting out dessert.
“So, I brought dessert.”
Gloria smiled politely.
“Okay.
Thank you.
I make pie too.”
Claire, forcing a smile, replied, “You can never have too many pies, right?” The air was thick with unspoken tension between them.
Ethan, having retreated to a quiet corner, nursed a soda.
“I love tea.”
He paused.
“I love drama.”
He took a long swig of his soda.
“But, I know if I could, let’s just say, stop this fight, I would have to get a reward.” A sly smile crept onto his face before he tapped his forehead “Like no longer being grounded.”
Back to the present.
Ethan, seeing the escalating tension between Claire and Gloria, and sensing an opportunity for personal gain, decided to intervene.
He strode confidently into the kitchen, putting himself directly between the two women.
“Okay, whoa.
Whoa.
Everybody take a deep breath.
Let’s keep it real.” He held up his hands, like a seasoned mediator.
“Ethan, no,” Claire warned, already anticipating his meddling.
Gloria, however, was intrigued.
“Why ‘Ethan, no’?
What is Ethan doing?”
Ethan, emboldened, continued.
“I’m just gonna say it.
There’s tension between you two.”
Claire glared at him.
“I’m gonna kill you.”
Gloria, surprisingly, agreed.
“I think he’s right, and I think we should talk about it.”
Ethan beamed, a look of vindication on his face.
“That’s what I’m talking about.
Wow.
Powerful, powerful stuff.
Mom?
Tell us how that makes you feel.”
Claire, suppressing her rage, mumbled, “Right now, I’m feeling a lot of anger.”
“No, don’t tell me,” Ethan corrected, ever the therapist.
“Tell her.”
Claire sighed, giving Gloria a strained look.
“Gloria, right now, I’m really angry at Ethan.”
Ethan shook his head, patient.
“Let’s respect the process.”
Claire let out a frustrated sigh, finally turning to Gloria.
“Gloria, I don’t know why you think I don’t like you.”
“Sometimes when you see me, you make that face,” Gloria said, her voice softening.
“What face?” Claire asked, genuinely puzzled.
Gloria made an exaggerated, tight-lipped, slightly disgusted face.
Claire scoffed.
“I do not make a face like that.”
Mitchell, who had just walked in, immediately interjected.
“Oh, my God.
That is so Claire.”
“Mitchell!” Claire snapped, her face flushing.
Ethan, ever helpful, jumped in.
“See?
She does that with everyone.
It’s just her face.”
Gloria shook her head.
“No, it’s not just the face.
From the beginning, I feel like Manny and I are not welcome in this family.”
“That is so crazy,” Claire protested.
“No, it’s not so crazy.
It’s how I feel.”
Claire, seeing Gloria’s genuine hurt, softened.
“I am sorry if you feel that way.
I really am, because from the moment I met you, I have tried to make you feel comfortable with us.”
“You think it’s all in my head?” Gloria asked, her voice small.
“No.
Kind- I don’t know,” Claire stumbled, trying to choose her words carefully.
“I mean, we really love having you and Manny in our family.”
“Really?” Gloria asked, a hint of surprise in her voice.
“Really,” Claire affirmed.
“So, you don’t have to be so defensive.”
“I do that, don’t I?” Gloria conceded, a small smile forming.
“Well, a bit,” Claire admitted, returning the smile.
Ethan, seeing the truce unfold, decided it was time to cash in.
“Can I have my phone now?”
Claire’s smile vanished.
“Two months.”
Ethan sighed dramatically, his attempt at mediation backfiring spectacularly.
He trudged away, defeat heavy on his shoulders.
Ethan, back on the couch, looked utterly bewildered.
“Turns out doing the wrong thing gets you punished.”
He paused, rubbing his bruised foot.
“Turns out doing the right thing gets you punished.”
He sighed deeply.
“I guess the only thing that doesn’t get you punished is doing nothing.”
He pondered this profound revelation, then shrugged.
Later on, after the family tensions had, for the most part, been smoothed over, Ethan was in the kitchen, snagging another cookie.
Luke and Manny came in, looking much friendlier than they had earlier.
Phil, walking in behind them, beamed.
“Hey, there are the little roustabouts.
You look like you patched things up pretty good, huh?”
“Yeah,” Luke and Manny mumbled in unison.
“Oh, we can learn so much from the children,” Phil declared, beaming.
“Bet it seems kind of silly now what you were even fighting about, huh?”
Luke, ever honest, immediately stated, “I made fun of his accent.”
Gloria, who had just walked in, her eyes wide, said in an overdramatic, slightly hurt accent, “What accent?”
Manny, not to be outdone, retorted, “I made fun of him for having the same thing for lunch every day.”
Gloria grimaced.
“Eegh!”
Luke, still escalating, added, “I made fun of him because his mom used to dig coal.”
Gloria’s eyes widened in disbelief.
“What?”
Manny, translating for his mother, said, “He said you were a coal digger.”
Phil, seeing the situation spiraling, quickly intervened.
“Okay.
I think we can move on.”
Gloria, however, was outraged.
“Who said I was a coal digger?”
Luke, pointing to Claire, answered, “That’s what my mom told me.”
Alex, walking in, paused, confused.
“What’s a coal digger?”
Ethan, from his corner, sighed.
“She meant ‘gold digger.'”
Hayley, who had been on the phone, immediately hung up.
“I’m gonna have to call you back.”
Claire’s face was a mixture of shock and denial.
“I really do not think that I remember ever saying that.”
Luke, suddenly blessed with a flawless memory, recounted, “Well, you said in the car.
You said it at Christmas.
You said it in the Mexican restaurant-”
Claire, exasperated, cut him off.
“Okay, Mr.
‘Leaves His Sweatshirts at School Every Day…
Suddenly Remembers Everything,’ thank you.”
Gloria, her eyes narrowed, looked at Claire.
“And it was all in my head, huh?” She turned and walked away, clearly hurt.
Claire groaned.
“Oh, listen.
Gloria, it was…
like, a year ago, before I knew you.”
Manny, seeing the fight reignited, threw his hands up in despair.
“Nice going.
Now my mom and my sister are fighting.”
Ethan, having learned his lesson about intervention, merely floated in the pool, enjoying the unexpected coolness of the water.
The sun was setting, casting long shadows across the yard.
He watched the drama unfold from a safe distance, a silent observer.
Luke, cannonballing into the pool, splashed him.
“This is so awesome.”
Hayley, already in the pool, chimed in, “I know.
Mom does not look good wet.”
Jay, standing by the edge, still trying to mediate, called out, “Gloria, is this really necessary?”
Claire, standing at the edge of the pool, fully clothed, declared, “Dad, it’s fine.
It’s fine.
If I need to jump in this water…
to prove to Gloria how sorry I am, I will do it.” She looked at Gloria, her expression earnest.
“You’re serious?
You’re not gonna stop me?”
Gloria, a mischievous glint in her eye, merely shrugged.
“Why would I do that?”
Claire sighed, steeling herself.
“Because I am standing here.
I am showing you my willingness to-” She cut herself off, waiting.
“No?” With a dramatic splash, Claire jumped into the water, fully clothed.
She emerged, sputtering.
“Are you happy?”
Gloria beamed, clapping her hands.
“Yes!
I forgive you!”
“Then give me your hand,” Claire said, extending her hand, a cunning glint in her eye.
Jay, seeing the trap, immediately warned, “Oh, that’s the oldest trick in the book.
She’s gonna pull you in there.”
“No!” Claire protested.
“And that’s my job,” Jay declared, and with a swift push, sent Gloria tumbling into the pool.
Phil, witnessing the escalating chaos, chuckled.
“This is funny, but this is also a teaching moment.”
Jay, having had enough of Phil’s commentary, promptly pushed Phil into the pool as well.
The pool then became a free-for-all.
Jay was tackled into the water by a gleeful Luke and Manny, who had been waiting for their chance.
Mitchell and Alex, laughing, then jumped in, joining the aquatic melee.
Cameron, seeing the joyous pandemonium, grinned, winding up for a grand finale.
“Cannonball!” He jumped, sending a tidal wave of water over the already drenched family.
Ethan, watching from his floatie, merely shook his head, a wry smile on his face.