I opened the door, and immediately I was assaulted by the stench of cigarette smoke. Seriously, how does 1 person smoke this much? It's unnatural. I pushed through the smoke and headed towards the kitchen. The smoke was never-ending. Thank God I don’t wear any actual real clothes; they would be ruined forever!.
I kept going forward, hugging the wall until I felt a door. My hands quickly wrapped the knob (hehehe) and twisted. As soon as the door opened, I barreled through the door.
“You know, for a guest, you do know how to make a loud entrance” That voice was Luka. My target for conquest.
“There… a…lot…of smoke. You mind cracking a window?” I pleaded.
“Jeez, you kids. A small amount of smoke like this and your lungs start packing in.” I heard her get up and start moving. The smoke was so thick I could barely see her, but I could hear her unbolting the window latch. Moments later, smoke billowed out of the room as fresh air quickly entered
“Th..th…thank you.” I sputtered as the smoke cleared quickly, revealing a plain family living room. dull yellowed white walls accompanied by even duller, yellower, and unsurprisingly ash-covered furniture, and as I noticed before, not a single family picture or anything. Mum loves that kind of stuff, but here there was nothing. Noway, this is a good environment ot raise a kid.
“Done oogling my house?” Luka sneered. I swearr this lady…. Relax utari. All you have to do is sleep with her, that’s all, don’t take it seriously-
“Are you special or something? Either grab something to eat or get the hell outta my kitchen!”
I snapped towards Luka.
“You know that’s not how you talk to people, right?!” I snapped back
“Whatever!” she said, rolling her eyes. “Like I give a shit what you think. Just get outta my kitchen already!”
“Lady, what is your problem! We barely even know each other and you're treating me like crap for no damn reason!” !
“Like I need to explain myself to you! I know a problem when I see one! and you are very much a problem!”
My mind went blank-
“Im a prob- WE HAVEN'T EVEN SPOKEN TO EACH OTHER ONCE. HOW CAN I BE A PROBLEM?! I ONLY ARRIVED A FEW DAYS AGO!”
“Don’t yell at me in my own house, Kid! Or you will find yourself in the street!”
You know what, screw the challenge! I'm giving her a piece of my damn mind!
“It is no damn surprise your own daughter hates your soul!=! You are the most horrid, rude and downright vile person ive ever met!” I snapped!
“What did you-“
“I'm not done!” I cut in, “It's no surprise Rae is so damn miserable! Look at this damn place! Everything is covered in ash. Nothing has been cleaned since god knows how long! And to top it all off, THIS. PLACE. STINKS. I CAN SMELL FROM OUTSIDE, no wonder she was so disappointed when she came home. This isn't a home for a family, IT’S a god damn PIG STY! How the hell can you call yourself a mother living like this is beyond mez. And surprsingly that’s not the worst part. The worst part is you! You are awful, downright abusive, mother to Rae! How the hell can you sit there and not be ashamed about-“
“Don’t you dare talk about me like you know me!”She roared as she stood up from the table! “GAHHH, both you and Rae are so infuriating! You are both exactly the damn same! You have no Idea what its like from my side! No idea at all!” Luka started moving away from the table towards me
“You two think that everything is so black and white! Like everything in life is so damn simple!” she yelled
“Ohh please!” I dismissed. “ ‘Oh no, woe is me, it's so hard being me.’ Don’t give me that lame ass excuse. " If you think that justifies your god-awful behaviour and attitude to race, you're more far gone than I thought”, I snapped back. Does she really think something like that will mmake me give her sympathy points? What a joke!
“There it is! That same ungrateful attitude! Just like my damn daughter! So naïve and numb to the real world people live in.” Luka got closer as she moved, she slowly undid her top.
“You two think you’ve solved it all, but you have no idea! What it's like to be in someone else's damn! Shoes!”
She ripped what remained of her clothes to reveal a red pulsing tattoo of a set of boot prints trailing off into the distance. The tattoo was a deep, almost bloody red. Dark black veins trailed from it and around her body. It looked agonising.
“w….What is that!”
“This, you ungrateful bitch. Is what you get when you ignore her wishes”
Suddenly, the tattoo pulsed a deep red, causing Luka to draw in a deep, pained breath
“Dammit, this is not what I need! Hey, stop gawking and get me a fresh pack of smokes!” she pointed towards one of the overhead drawers. I looked at her, her face contorting with pain and agony. And she wants to smoke? this lady…. Whatever, I'm done with her rude attitude anyway.
I walked over to the cupboard and pulled it open, and right there in front of me was a wall of cigarettes, enough cigarettes to last a smoker their entire lives.
I grabbed a pack that had no markings or wrapping, just a plain white box. Off-brand cigarettes? Has to be to have this many. I tossed the pack to her, and she caught it easily. In a split second, she tore open the pack and quickly put one in her mouth.
“Cmon were is the stupid thing!” she complained as she rumaged through her pockets pathetically before finally pulling out a lighter and, like a seasoned pro, she quickly lit it and took a deep puff.
“Better” I said mockingly.
“Don’t mock me, you bitch You don’t even know me.”
“You're right! I don’t know you. Sp, why don’t you tell me then? Tell me why I'm so wrong and why your damn life is so damn awful!
Luka looked me up and down for a moment as she took another draw from her cigarette.
“Fine, I'll tell you. I'll tell you everything. Every shitty awful detail. Because that’s what you want bitch ”
She sat on a chair, and I did the same.
“Let's start, then, you ungrateful brat. For this to make sense, you need to understand what this pain on my chest means. That piece of shit, given to me by Alexia, means Wanderer. According to Alexia, I am meant to be someone who travels from place to place, never settling for more than a few weeks before moving.” She said, taking another hit from her cigarette.
“That's easy to understand. However, that doesn't excuse your attitude.”
“You don’t get it, do you. Both you and Rae are the same. Well, Rae, I can forgive her; she doesn't even know about this. But I'll explain. A wanderer isn't as simple as constantly being alone. It's also coming to terms with being alone. A wanderer is someone who lives a life of solitude, never connecting with anyone and never being attached. Truly a lone wandering spirit. That is what Alexia wanted me to be, and for a while I was okay with it, not happy, but okay with it, but that all changed one day…one dammned day…”
19 years prior…….
“Congratulations, Miss Lookeborn. You're pregnant.”
The words hit me like a ton of bricks. This cant…..
“You're joking, right? That has to be a joke.” I begged the doctor, but he just shook his head.
“I'm afraid this isn't a joke. You are very much expecting; all the tests, your sudden sickness, change in appetite and of course your late period were all positive indications of your pregnancy. The test we performed just confirmed it.”
“but…. There has to be some mistake. maybe if you restest it could be an-“
“I’m sorry, Miss Lookeborn. But the test is rarely wrong. and with the other signs. This is real, I'm afraid.”
My heart stopped. This can't happen. I can't….
“Doctor. I can't have a child.”
“And why is that? From what I can see, you're fit enough, and you're not struggling financially.” He replied as he took a seat across from me.
“That’s not the issue. I can't have a child due to...”Uncontrollable circumstances”
His eyes opened in realisation. My tattoo practically makes it impossible for me to have a child. How can I have a child if I'm destined to be alone!
“I see, but unfortunately, there is nothing anyone can do, I'm afraid. I truly am sorry.”
“Sorry?! Sorry, it's not what I need now. I need a solution!”
“I regret to inform you that. I am only a humble doctor. I can't really help you any more than I already have.”
“Help?! You haven't done a damn thing to help me!”
I slid out of the chair and stormed out of the clinic. This is very, very bad! God, what do I do! A wanderer like me can't have a child; hell, I don’t even have a home, and I can't look after one in a tent. God, what do I do! What do I do!
Some time later……
“Come on. Where is it! Where is it! I don’t need this right now!” I fumbled through my clothes for the damn hotel key. I swear I had it here somewhere! Just where was it?
“Looking for something….” I snapped around to see a familiar-looking tiger lady holding my key
“Kaz?”
“The one and only…” She said with a bright smile. We go way back. She was my captain during the bad old days. Wait! Captain! I quickly stood at attention and saluted her. How could I miss that! She’s in her damn uniform as well!
“HAHAHHA, relax luka. We’ve been through too much to have you salute me like that.”
I shook my head. “You're in uniform. You said-“
“I know, I know. When I'm in uniform, you address me as captain. But those days are over, I'm fully retired.
“I see.” I slowly dropped my hand to my side. It’s nice seeing her, but what is she doing here?
“May I ask. What are you doing here?” I said, taking my key off her.
“Nothing, just going through the formalities of retirement. Hey, a load of the old squad is here to celebrate, wanna join? I tried to invite you a few months prior, but well. You don’t stay in one place for more than 2 weeks.”
“That’s not by choice!”
“I know, I know. Come on, have a few drinks on me. It may be the last time we see each other.”
“Can it wait?”
“Come on luka. Only one drink. You're so hard to find, and I really want you to be there!” Her cat-like eyes widened as she begged. Dammit, why did she have to do that….
“Just one drink…..”
Some time later…..
“One MORE CHEER FOR THE CAPTAIN!”
Half the bar erupted in cheers, and they downed their drinks. The atmosphere was great, but sadly, I couldn't get behind it. I was hoping this would be a good distraction, but it's only made everything worse. I can't believe I'm pregnant! How does this even happen? I was always careful, and yet, and yet, aaarghhhaaaa! This isn't fair.
“Another one for me and the firehawk bartender!” Kazeka saddled up to my side, clearly drunk out of her mind. It's rare she’s relaxed like this. At least one of us is happy.
“Hey….fire (hic) I haven't seen you drink once tonight….. what's up with that? " Everything good,” she said, pressing her body up to me. dammit I need to straighten up, even though she's drunk kaz doesn’t miss much
“HAHAHha, no reason. I'm just not feeling it tonight. You know Kaz. Im gonna head up to my room and-“
“What what nooooooo! You can't (hic) we've… we've just started.” Her once white captain's uniform was now stained with red dots. I guess she’s been on the wine.
“I know. But I really need to go!”
“Don’t be like that.. It's so boringgggg where my party animal of a friend fire. Who is this boring person that’s replaced her”
“Kaz… I can't drink because-“
“Yeah, what the captain said, stop being a spoil sport!” Cedric said as he saddled up next to me. Great, just what I need 2 of them
“Don, you start Cedric!” I complained.
“I'll stop when you have one. just a sip.” He moved a shot gloss to my llips but I pushed it away.
“No thanks.”
“Come on! Just one little shot. On me. Come on. It wont-“
“Dammmit, I SAID NO CEDRIC!”I yelled, dropping the bar in silence. The man slightly backed off. “I'm sorry fire. I didn’t mean-“
“WHAT PART OF NO DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND? ARE YOU DEAF OR SOMETHING, OR IS YOUR HEAD JUST FILLED WITH NOTHING BUT STUPID? SERIOUSLY, HOW DENSE CAN ONE MAN BE? NO WONDER YOUR-“
“Enough fire”, I felt Kaz's hand on my shoulder, but I just shoved it away.
“DON’T YOU START AS WELL. YOU'RE JUST AS BAD AS HIM! WHY CAN'T YOU TAKE THE HINT THAT I DON’T WANT TO BE HERE? GAH, NOTHING CHANGES WITH YOU, I SWEAR!”
The entire bar dropped into silence as they glared at us.
“WHAT ARE YOU ASSHOLES LOOKING AT? MIND YOUR OWN DAMN BUSINESS!” Everyone suddenly looked away. dammit I knew this was a bad idea. I quickly slid off my stool and stormed out of the hotel bar up towards my room. damn those 2 why couldn’t they take the hint! And curse this stupid tattoo. I need to leave town fast the influence of the tattoo is growing
I arrived at my door again and delved into my pockets searching for my keys.
“Damn it, not again. Where are my keys! Where are they! Will this godforsaken world stop tormenting me like this!”
“Looking for these.” The voice made me stop dead in my tracks. Shit. I slowly turned to see a very annoyed Kaz holding my keys.
“Kaz, that’s i-“
“How long have you been here!” she snapped
“What?”
“How long have you been here, soldier!”
I instantly stood at attention. “Nearly 6 weeks Ma’am”
“6 wee-“Kazekas ' eyes darted around. “ In now!” she ordered. In a flash, the keys were in my hands, doors open, and I was sitting in bed with my commanding officer, pacing around the room.
“I can't believe it. 6 weeks! You know you can't be in one place for more than a month, what the hell possessed you to be here for 6 weeks!”
“It’s none of your buisness kaz”
“Yes, it is. Tell me why you are still here?!”
“WHY DO YOU CARE SO DAMN MUCH. YOU ' RE NOT MY C.O. ANYMORE. I LEFT AGES AGO. LET ME LIVE MY LIFE. YOU NAGGY BITCH!”
“STOP IT, LUKA! Stop trying to push me away.” Her voice softened towards the end.
“I know you. You get like this when you’ve been in one place for too long. I know it’s the tattoos' influence. Please, can I have a look?”
I briefly looked at Kaz before snapping away. “There's no point. I'll be leaving soon. It will go back to normal.”
“Luka…. Please. I know you can't help it. But stop trying to be alone.”
I glanced back at Kaz, whose eyes had softened and filled with concern. Damn it. I slowly lifted my blouse to reveal my bright red tattoo. Kazeka's face scrunched up at the sight of it.
“That’s pretty sore.”
I rolled my eyes “Very astute detective.”
She glared at me before dropping to her knees and giving it a feel. “This is pretty bad. How is the pain?”
“I can bear with it most of the time, but it’s getting worse day by day. It’s already siphoning my mana. The most complex spell I could probably pull off now is probably a simple Ignite.
Kaz nodded. “And the personality influence?”
“It’s like a constant drain on my mind. I try to be myself, but it's so easy to slip and explode.”
I rolled my blouse down. As Kaz stood up.
“It’s textbook God’s ache. Luka, you knew this would happen. Why would you stay here?”
“Again, why do you care so much. The moment I leave, I'll be fine, so why don’t you go about your own life, leave others the fuck alone. It’s not damn hard.”
“No luka. I'm not leaving. Not until you tell me. something tells me that leaving you now will be one of the biggest regrets of my life.”
“Bigger than letting Erwin take the-“
*SLAP*
Pain echoed across my face. I glared up towards Kazeka, whose eyes were flaming with anger.
“ I know you can't help it. But don’t ever bring that up again. " You understand!” I could hear the seething rage behind her voice. Dammit, why would I… that’s my friend, what the hell is wrong with me?
“Sorry kaz.”
She took a deep breath and gave me a smile, “All is forgiven. However, I think now you ought to tell me what possessed you to stay here so damn long.”
I looked away from her and sighed.
“I’m pregnant.”
Kazeka's eyes bulged as the realisation hit her.
“Oh no, luka.”
“The symptoms started 6 weeks ago. My original plan was to stop here for a week or so before continuing on my journey. But once they started, I decided to stay; the minimum wait for a doctor’s appointment is 5 weeks, which is why I'm still here. He confirmed my fear this morning.”
“So that’s why you weren't drinking.”
I nodded. Kazeka sat on the bed next to me and gave me a hug. “It’s gonna be okay. Well, sort something out. Do you know who the father is?”
I shook my head. “No idea. It came from a one-night stand, I think, but I always use contraception. This shouldn’t happen”
“Everything has a chance of failure. But it's okay. I'll help you. Look, I know you don’t have a place to stay, so when the time is right, come to the border village of Shield Cross. I'll sort you out there”
“Kaz, that’s.. I can't. Especially after”
“Fire, enough, you're my friend, you’ve had me at my lowest, so I'm returning the favour.”
“Thanks, but that still doesn’t change that I'm still a wanderer by the nature of my tattoo. I can't even be near my baby, let alone stay in a town with her.”
“We’ll, cross that bridge when we get there. But a basic plan is better than no plan.”
A basic plan, huh. “If that’s the case. Then, a basic plan could be that when the baby is born, I put her straight into adoption. It’s what would be best for them. I can't look after them”
Kaz’s face dropped a little bit, but behind the sadness was understanding.“It’s not ideal”, Kaz replied. “But any plan is better than no plan.”
“Thank you kaz.”
“Anytime fire.
9 months later…..
“PUSH!”
My body convulsed as the contraction wreaked havoc across my body.
“That’s it, almost there, you're doing well! it will be out…..NOW
*waaaaghaaa waaaghaaaaaa”
“it’s a girl!” One of the doctors shouted.
“Let…..me…. see….. her….” I demanded between pained breaths. In a flash, the midwives placed the wailing baby in my hands. “She’s so small”, I said. She had my red hair and my green eyes. She was like a tiny me.
“Raeia lookeborn. That is your name.” Raeia cried and bawled her eyes out in my hands. I instinctively held her closer to my chest and tried to calm her. She must be so shocked. Poor child, but don’t worry, mother is here. I gave her a gentle kiss on the cheeks. For 9 months, I thought you were just a burden, but now that you are here. You are the single most beautiful thing in the world, and you came from me and are a part of me. and……and……. I have to send it away.
I brought the baby away from my chest. Her cries had stopped, and she gently cooed in my hands as she gently started to drift off to dreamland. Raeia, you are so small, so defenceless. I cant…..I won't… even if it kills me.
“I need a carriage to shield cross! NOW!”
2 months later……
*WAAAAAGHHAAAAA WAAAAAGHAAAAAAAAA*
I slammed my palms around my ear. Everyday! Every day, nonstop, all she does is cry, cry and cry!
“GAHHHH RAEIA STOP IT, IVE FED YOU, CHANGED YOU AND PLAYED WITH YOU. WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT FROM ME, YOU WRETCHED CHILD?” I screamed, but it fell on deaf ears. I tried to get up from the table, but as I did, I was met with a gut-wrenching pain. The god ache. It’s been getting worse and worse. I thought six weeks was bad, but 2 months, I feel like I'm in hell. The ache shot across all of my body, never giving me peace. It burned, it stung, it prickled, it seethed, it was the worst thing in the world, and it was only going to get worse.
*Waaaaaaghaaaaaaaaaaaa*
I glanced toward Raeia’s cot. She needs me.I sucked in some air and mustered up all the willpower as I forced myself to stand up. The tattoo instantly punished me for this, sending waves of hateful pain across my body for disobeying its desire, but I ignored it. I waddled to her cot and lifted her up and into my hands.
“There you go rae, mommy is here. Mommy will always be here no matter what.” I rocked her side to side as best I could until she eventually quietened down.
“Finally.”
*KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK* I glanced towards the door. Who could it be now? I gently placed Rae back in her cot and waddled to the door.
“Who is it?” I yelled from my side of the door.
“It’s me kaz”
“Oh kaz.” I quickly undid the bolt and opened the door. To see Kaz holding a white box in her hand.
“Got a minute..”
Moments later…..
“Run that by me again, Kaz. " These are.”
“Cigarettes”, Kaz said, leaning back on the kitchen table chair.
“And you want me to smoke them”
“That’s correct”
“May I remind you that I have a child in the house,” I said, pointing in the vague direction of Rae's cot.
“I know, I know. But these are special. I got in contact with Cedric and explained everything to him”
“YOU WHAT!”
Suddenly disturbed cooing sounds came from Rae’s cot! Dammit stupid! I need to be careful
“Easy, easy! I know you're not happy, but hear me out.”
“No, I wont hear you out! how could you tell him, especially after i-“
“FIRE, hear. Me out!” she begged
Every fibre of my being wanted to chew her out for telling him, but I managed to hold it in, which is a miracle nowadays.
“State your case.” I said through gritted teeth.
“Like I was saying. Cedric made them now, if you remember, his tattoo gives him the role of herbalist. I asked him to make a compound of herbs that can help you manage the pain you suffer with. From his words, this was one of the toughest tasks ive ever given him, but he managed. These cigarettes are uniquely blended to deal with the pain caused by the godache. The reason they are cigarettes is that the pain medication works better when inhaled. Smoke these as and when you need them and let him know when they start to lose effectiveness.”
“Effectiveness?”
Kazeka nodded, “God ache gets worse as more time passes. Rae needs you for the rest of her life, and you don’t plan to ever leave her. meaning he will have to up the concentration as time goes by."
“I see, however, are they okay to smoke around Rae?”
“Cedric assures me that they are purely fine to be around kids, actually, it was that part of the request that made this task so difficult, but Cedric is a genius. Now, whilst this deals with the pain, it wont deal with the personality influence. Nothing in the world can fix that, but this should help make your life easier.
“I see. Thank you kaz. You’ve done so much to help me. I wont ever be able to repay you.”
She shook her head, “Luka friend, don’t need to worry about such a thing. I'll always have your back.”
“Thank you”, I reached over to the box and pulled out one cigarette and put it into my mouth.
I tried to snap my fingers to summon a flame, but nothing happened. All my mana has been sapped by that stupid tattoo. It's about as useful as tits on a fish.
I looked towards Kazeka, who already had a lighter in her hand
“I used to be the fire hawk, you know”, I joked.
“You still are in my eyes,” Kazeka replied. I took a deep inhale, filling my lungs with the smoke, and for the first time in 2 months, I was pain-free.
“Thank you, Kazeka”
“Anytime.”