I’m refreshing Reddit for the fifth time in as many minutes when I realize I have no idea what I’m actually looking at. My brain isn’t processing any of it. I’m just scrolling, clicking, existing in this weird holding pattern where I’m awake but not really present.
Last night keeps replaying in my head.
Nicole. In my room. Crying and then...
I lean back in my chair and stare at the ceiling. My gaming laptop hums its usual drone on the desk in front of me, the fan working overtime even though I’m barely doing anything demanding.
Should I call out to her?
She’s the one who messages me. She shows up when she wants to, disappears when she doesn’t. I’m just along for the ride.
But after last night...
I shake my head and go back to scrolling. Another post about politics. Another meme I don’t quite get.
Maybe she’ll reach out. Maybe she won’t. Maybe she’s realized I was awake and I’ll never hear from her again, and this whole weird thing will just fade back into the normal background noise of my brain being unreliable.
The AIM chime pierces the room.
My eyes snap to the screen. The blocky grey window materializes in the corner, with that familiar orange running man logo at the top.
Nicole_luvs_NSYNC: Yo
I stare at the message for a solid three seconds.
“Hey,” I say out loud.
Nicole_luvs_NSYNC: wats up
“I’m bored out of my mind.”
Nicole_luvs_NSYNC: lol
Nicole_luvs_NSYNC: i bet ur jerking off again creeper
A laugh escapes me. “Oh, and what if I am?”
Nicole_luvs_NSYNC: ...
Nicole_luvs_NSYNC: I know your not
Nicole_luvs_NSYNC: id hear it
I chuckle. The sound comes out easier than I expect, dissolving the knot that’s been lingering in my chest since I woke up. “What are you doing?”
Nicole_luvs_NSYNC: talkin 2 u
Nicole_luvs_NSYNC: obviously
Nicole_luvs_NSYNC: duh
I lean forward, resting my elbows on the desk. “Right. Obviously.”
The cursor blinks in the empty text field for a few seconds. Then new text appears.
Nicole_luvs_NSYNC: so like
Nicole_luvs_NSYNC: do u have a gf?
I blink at the screen. “No. I told you I don’t really date.”
Nicole_luvs_NSYNC: ya but that was before
Nicole_luvs_NSYNC: maybe u got one since then
“It’s been maybe eighteen hours.”
Nicole_luvs_NSYNC: ppl move fast sometimes
Nicole_luvs_NSYNC: idk
The awkwardness coming through the screen is almost tangible. I can feel her flailing around trying to figure out how to do this, whatever this is.
“Are you asking because you want to know if I’m available?”
Nicole_luvs_NSYNC: NO
Nicole_luvs_NSYNC: im just asking
Nicole_luvs_NSYNC: like
Nicole_luvs_NSYNC: making conversation
Nicole_luvs_NSYNC: god
I grin at the screen. “Okay. Well, I’m single. Very single. Have been for a while.”
Nicole_luvs_NSYNC: cool
Nicole_luvs_NSYNC: thats cool
Nicole_luvs_NSYNC: not that i care or anything
“Right. You don’t care.”
Nicole_luvs_NSYNC: I DONT
Nicole_luvs_NSYNC: ur still a loser
I can feel myself smiling wider. “So if I’m a loser, why do you keep talking to me?”
Nicole_luvs_NSYNC: bc im bored
Nicole_luvs_NSYNC: so like
Nicole_luvs_NSYNC: ur better than nothing i guess
“Wow. High praise.”
Nicole_luvs_NSYNC: lol shut up
Nicole_luvs_NSYNC: so like The source of this chapter is g.com.
Nicole_luvs_NSYNC: hypothetically
Nicole_luvs_NSYNC: if someone wanted to
Nicole_luvs_NSYNC: idk
Nicole_luvs_NSYNC: hang out with u
Nicole_luvs_NSYNC: would u be into that
I lean closer to the monitor. “Are you asking if I’d want to hang out with you?”
Nicole_luvs_NSYNC: NO
Nicole_luvs_NSYNC: im asking HYPOTHETICALLY
I say it out loud, cutting through her deflection. “You don’t have to be afraid or whatever. You can ask me directly what you want.”
Nicole_luvs_NSYNC: ...
I keep going. “If you want to hang out, I’d love to. Why would I ever pass up the chance to hang out with a dime?”
The text field stays blank. I watch the cursor blink in the empty space, counting the seconds. Ten. Twenty. Thirty. I’m starting to think I pushed too hard when new text finally appears.
Nicole_luvs_NSYNC: can i be real with u austin
“Always.”
Nicole_luvs_NSYNC: I havent been touched in 27 years
The words rest on the screen. Direct and devastating.
Nicole_luvs_NSYNC: ...
My throat tightens. I lean back in my chair, processing that. Twenty-seven years. She died in ninety-nine, and since then, nothing. No contact. No warmth. Just existing in this house alone, watching tenants come and go, unable to reach any of them.
“Are you asking for a hug?”
Nicole_luvs_NSYNC: UGHHHHH YOU MAKE IT SOUND SO LAME
I laugh, but it comes out softer than usual. “I’m not trying to make it sound lame. I just want to make sure I understand what you’re asking for.”
Nicole_luvs_NSYNC: forget it
Nicole_luvs_NSYNC: this was stupid
Nicole_luvs_NSYNC: i shouldnt have said anything
“Wait.”
Nicole_luvs_NSYNC: wat
I choose my words carefully. “If you want me to hug you, I will. Like, right now. Just show up and I’ll hug you.”
The cursor blinks. No response.
“I’m serious,” I say to the screen. “You don’t have to be embarrassed about wanting physical contact. That’s a normal human need.”
Nicole_luvs_NSYNC: but im not human anymore
Nicole_luvs_NSYNC: im dead
“You seem pretty human to me.”
Nicole_luvs_NSYNC: ...
Nicole_luvs_NSYNC: ur not gonna think im pathetic?
“For wanting a hug? No. I think that’s a very reasonable thing to want.”
Nicole_luvs_NSYNC: i dont want u to think im desperate
“Look,” I pause, making sure she’s paying attention. “You’ve been alone for almost three decades. If you were desperate, that would make total sense. But wanting a hug doesn’t make you desperate. It makes you lonely. And there’s a difference.”
Nicole_luvs_NSYNC: im not lonely
Nicole_luvs_NSYNC: but fine
Nicole_luvs_NSYNC: … and if u make it weird ill kill u
“How do you want to do this?” I ask.
Nicole_luvs_NSYNC: close your eyes and stand up
I furrow my brow at the screen. “Why do I need to close my eyes?”
Nicole_luvs_NSYNC: i dont want you lookin at my tits
A laugh escapes me before I can stop it. “Fair enough.”
I push my chair back and stand up in the middle of my bedroom. I extend my arms out to my sides and close my eyes.
The room goes dark behind my eyelids. I can hear the hum of the computer fan, the distant sound of a car passing outside. My heart is beating faster than I expect it to be.
I wait.
The air shifts, and there’s a presence in front of me now. Close. Maybe a foot away. I can feel her there even though I can’t see her, a sudden weight settling into the empty space that wasn’t there a second ago.
I keep my eyes closed. My arms stay out, waiting.
The presence moves closer. I think she’s looking at me, inspecting me, checking to see if I’m actually going to keep my eyes shut.
“I’m following your rules,” I say.
A sigh slips through the quiet. Soft and shaky, like she’s been holding her breath and finally let it go.
Then her body presses against mine.
I lower my arms and pull her in return.
Her body tenses for a second, like she’s about to pull away, but then she relaxes into it. She draws closer until there’s no space left between us.
That’s when I hear it.
Crying.
Quiet at first, just small hitching breaths against my chest. But then it builds. Her shoulders start shaking, and the crying gets louder and rawer, like she’s been holding this in for decades and finally can’t anymore.
“Are you okay?” I ask softly.
She doesn’t answer. She just holds on tighter, her face pressed into my shoulder now, and the sobbing deepens. The kind of crying that sounds like it’s being ripped out of her chest.
I don’t say anything else. I just stand there holding her, letting her fall apart against me.
Her fingers dig into my shirt like she’s afraid I’ll disappear if she lets go.
Her cold doesn’t bother me. Actually, it’s comfortable in a way I wasn’t expecting, like pressing your face against a cool pillow. Her chest pushes into mine, and she really is as busty as I remember, but right now that isn’t what I’m focused on.
The crying escalates into full-on, no-holding-back sobs that shake her entire body.
I place a hand flat against her back, keeping it steady the way my sister used to do for me when I had panic attacks as a kid. “It’s okay. I’m here.”
Her nails dig in hard enough that I think they might leave marks, but I don’t care. I just stay still and let her get it all out.
The crying goes on for what feels like forever. I lose track. My arms start to ache from holding the position, but I don’t move. I don’t shift my weight or try to adjust. I just stand there and let her use me as an anchor.
Eventually, the sobbing starts to quiet. Not stopping, just easing off. The hitching breaths come slower, less desperate. Her shoulders stop shaking as much.
Still, she doesn’t let go. Her face stays pressed into my shoulder.
“I’ve got you,” I say quietly.
She makes a sound against me. Not words, just a small, broken noise that makes my heart clench.
I gently stroke her back, slow and steady, over and over.
Her breathing gradually evens out. The crying fades to occasional shuddering breaths, like aftershocks. Still, she doesn’t pull away.
I realize I don’t want her to.
This is the first time I’ve held anyone like this in years. The last time was probably my sister, back when I still lived with her and had a particularly bad episode. Before that, I don’t even remember.
“You can stay here as long as you want,” I tell her.
She shifts against me, taking a breath that sounds wet and ragged.
“I’m sorry,” she whispers against my shoulder.
The words come out barely audible, muffled by my shirt and the remnants of her tears.
“Crying is good,” I say. “It’s healthy to let it out.”
She makes a sound that’s halfway between a grumble and a laugh, wet and unsteady. Then I feel her arms loosen around me.
She’s pulling away.
I keep my eyes closed like she asked, but I can feel the moment she separates from me completely. The cold presence against my chest just vanishes, and by the time I open my eyes, she’s gone.
The room is empty again. Just me standing in the middle of my bedroom with my arms still half-raised like I’m hugging air.
A familiar alert pops on the laptop.
I walk over to the desk and sit down, staring at the all-caps declaration on my screen.
Nicole_luvs_NSYNC: IM NOT A LOSER
“I agree,” I say out loud. “What you just did was very brave.”
The cursor blinks in the empty field.
“I don’t know you well yet,” I continue, channeling the way Maria used to talk to me when I was falling apart. That specific tone that’s firm but gentle. “But I’m very proud of you.”
Nicole_luvs_NSYNC: ...
Nicole_luvs_NSYNC: shut up
Nicole_luvs_NSYNC: ur making it weird
“I’m not making it weird. I’m being sincere.”
Nicole_luvs_NSYNC: well stop
Nicole_luvs_NSYNC: i dont need u to be proud of me
Nicole_luvs_NSYNC: im not a kid
“I know you’re not.”
Nicole_luvs_NSYNC: ...
Nicole_luvs_NSYNC: k thx
Nicole_luvs_NSYNC: i guess
I lean back in my chair, a smile tugging at my mouth. “You’re welcome.”
Nicole_luvs_NSYNC: i felt you get hard btw while we hugged
I freeze. My fingers hover over the keyboard for a second before I pull them back entirely.
“Well,” I say out loud, feeling heat crawl up my neck. “When your chest was pressed against me like that, it’s not like I was in control of how my body reacted.”
Nicole_luvs_NSYNC: so gross
I let out a breath that’s half laugh, half groan. “Is that why you cried?”
Nicole_luvs_NSYNC: shut up