Gently, I set Elsa down in the kitchen.
Her feet touched the floor with a delicate tap, then took the initiative to hop onto the barstool at the kitchen counter—all by herself.
Small victories.
"So what’s next?" she asked while watching me clean up our breakfast dishes.
From the stool, her legs dangled several inches off the floor.
"Well, you can’t keep wearing my t-shirt," I said, giving her a once-over.
The shirt hung on her like a circus tent, the hem reaching past her knees.
"We need to get you some proper clothes, and I’m not in the mood for online shopping."
With her legs swinging back and forth, she asked, "Can’t you order the serfs attached to your land to buy them? Surely the Champion of Earthrealm has minions for such mundane tasks."
I shook my head.
"Surfs are for beaches, Princess. I could order some online, but delivery takes time out in the boonies. Even with express shipping, it would be tomorrow at the earliest if we’re lucky. I think our best bet is to drive into town and buy you some things."
Elsa’s eyes lit up like sapphires.
"A journey to a human settlement? How fascinating!" Her expression suddenly darkened.
"But what about my ears? Won’t your people be alarmed by my elven heritage? I’ve heard humans can be quite xenophobic toward fairer species."
I hadn’t thought about that.
Those pointed ears were a dead giveaway that she wasn’t from around here—or from Earth at all.
True, Wapa Lake had monsters next door to Millfield, but we weren’t in Wapa Lake, nor was she the sort of thing that goes bump in the night that people knew existed around there.
I leaned against the counter and considered the problem.
"Good point. We’ll need to hide your ears somehow."
The options ran through my mind.
A wig wouldn’t work.
Makeup wouldn’t hide the shape.
Then it hit me.
"I’ve got an idea, but first, let’s find you something to wear besides my shirt."
I led Elsa to my bedroom closet and started rifling through clothes.
"Let’s see what I’ve got that might remotely fit you."
"I doubt anything will," Elsa said while sprawled dramatically across my bed with her arms stretched wide.
"You’re built like an ogre gladiator, while I possess the delicate proportions of elven royalty."
"Thanks for the comparison to an ogre," I muttered.
"I was actually hoping maybe the pizza girl I hooked up with last month might have left something behind, but no luck."
"Hmm?" she said, her voice half an octave higher than usual.
"You brought another woman to this dwelling?"
I looked over at her and cocked a brow and decided to tease her.
"Yeah. Guess that’ll be awkward now with you here."
She visibly tried not to pout, clearly not loving the idea of her butler spoiling another woman in any way.
It probably wasn’t based on attraction so much as her own desire for attention, but I still relished the idea of making her jealous.
"Hmph. Well, that will be impossible henceforth, I regret to inform you," she said.
I chuckled.
"I don’t know. I can be pretty charming when you get a couple beers in me."
From the drawer, I pulled the smallest t-shirt I owned and a pair of athletic shorts with a drawstring.
"Try these on. They’ll be huge, but at least they’ll stay up with the drawstring."
The clothes were taken by Elsa and, without any warning or hesitation, she pulled my t-shirt over her head in one fluid motion.
"A little warning next time," I grunted.
And then, under my breath, I added, "I can only afford to get so erect."
"Oh, please," Elsa said with amusement in her voice.
"I simply cannot adapt to how prudish you can be at the sight of your own party member’s body. My chambermaids were much less bashful than you."
"Well, I have one too many extra limbs to be a chambermaid by most metrics," I said, still taking in the sights nonetheless.
Her eyes briefly flitted downward.
"That indeed appears to be true," Elsa conceded in a sultrier tone than expected as she finished dressing.
"In any case, I am now decent by your standards."
Low standards, to be sure.
Elsa was engulfed in my clothes.
The t-shirt hung down to her knees, with sleeves well past her elbows, halfway to her wrists.
Despite being cinched as tight as possible with the drawstring, the shorts still sagged around her waist.
"How do I look?" she asked as she struck a regal pose.
Laughter that I’d tried to keep inside burst from me uncontrollably.
"You look absolutely ridiculous," I said between chuckles.
"But it’ll have to do until we get you real clothes."
Elsa tried to look offended, puffing up like an angry kitten, but couldn’t maintain it.
She beamed at me in the end.
"I suppose the great House of Silverleaf has endured worse indignities. Though not many."
"Now for your ears," I said, leading her to the bathroom.
"Maybe we can style your hair to cover them."
For the next fifteen minutes, we tried various hairstyles in the bathroom mirror, with increasingly frustrating results.
Every attempt to cover her pointed ears ended up looking suspicious or failed to conceal them entirely.
"This is hopeless," I finally declared, pushing back from another failed attempt at an ear-concealing braid.
"Let me think... wait, I’ve got an idea."
I disappeared back into my bedroom and returned with a blue baseball cap emblazoned with the Milwaukee Brewers logo.
"Try this."
Elsa looked at the cap with an expression of disgust.
"Peasant headgear? I think not."
"It’s this or we don’t go," I said firmly, holding my ground.
"You can’t exactly walk around town with elf ears on display unless you want to end up in a government lab somewhere. It’s bad enough that you’re literally uncannily good-looking in a way that no human can possibly be."
With an exaggerated sigh, Elsa took the cap and placed it on her head reluctantly.
The moment it was on, she leaned toward the mirror, adjusting it to different angles, playing with how her hair fell around it.
"Hmm," she murmured while turning her head side to side.
"It’s actually... rakishly charming." She took a deep breath in and smiled as her nose twitched slightly.
"And it carries your scent. Quite pleasant, actually. Earthy, with notes of pine and masculine exertion."
I blinked a few times, not quite sure how to respond to that particular observation.
"Glad you approve. Not sure where you’re picking up the pine hints in my BO, but the cap completely hides your ears, at least, so we should be good to go."
"Excellent," she said, smirking smugly as she checked herself out in the mirror.
"Before we leave," I said as we headed back downstairs, "we need to talk about how to behave around humans."
Elsa rolled her eyes so dramatically I was worried they might fall out of her head.
"I’ve interacted with countless species across many lands, including some with tentacles where their faces should be. I’m sure I can handle your simple human customs."
"Maybe," I agreed, "but there are some specific things to avoid. No calling me your servant. No demands or imperious commands. No mentioning other realms, elves, or your royal status. And try to say ’please’ and ’thank you’ when asking for things."
Elsa frowned as her delicate brows knitted together.
"These rules seem unnecessarily restrictive."
"They’re not unnecessary. They’re how people behave here," I explained as patiently as I could.
"Just try to follow my lead, okay?"
"Very well," Elsa said with a reluctant nod.