Even before she stepped out of the portal, just seeing it crack back open made my fingers tense at the hilt of my sword.
But then she popped out. Not fully at least, about her ankle still stood in the portal.
She looked human, more or less.
Fair porcelain skin, thick twin braids of brown hair falling behind her but a little felt out front that cupped her face and somehow made her jaw more pronounced.
My eyes scaled cautiously up and down her frame, she was sporting what seemed to be bikini armour—bra of iron that held a generous amount of breasts and nothing to cover her midriff before continuing at her lower half.
The lower half I intentionally made a point not to look at, couldn’t be having problems with my pants when I hand no idea what was going on.
Beside, I needed all the blood in my head right now. I said nothing, kept my distance and continued to watch her with narrowed eyes.
It wouldn’t be the first time creatures disguised as beautiful women to get the head of a general.
For some reason there was also a golden tiara sitting atop her head, gleaming gold in the faded moonlight and slowly being dropped with snow.
Which made me even more aware of the fact that it was freezing out and she was wearing what could be considered a swimsuit.
Throughout this time she hadn’t looked at me, just like all the other creatures, looking up at the sky and around like I was not there.
Then she fully stepped onto my property and portal behind her closed with a swift swoosh.
Only then did I notice how short she was, five-foot nothing and that was be being generous. I, on the other hand, was about six-four and holding up a sword at someone who looking like a Chihuahua.
Feeling completely ridiculous, I dropped the sword to my side—although I didn’t sheath it yet.
Remember the first rule of monster hunting; never get too cocky.
"Greetings!" She said cheerfully and I looked into her blue eyes like the summer sky. "Are you the defender of this realm?"
What really caught my attention were her ears—delicate, pointed elven ears that peeked through her blonde hair like daggers.
Their tips extended a good two inches beyond where human ears would end, giving her the unmistakable look of—well, someone who didn’t belong in freezing Minnesota, that’s for damn sure.
She took in the property again, then sighed audibly—the sigh of someone so disappointed you would be stupid if you didn’t catch it.
Then her eyes drifted to the draugr corpse and decapitated head slowly disintegrating in the corner.
"Ohh!" She mused thoughtfully, but it carried an accent of someone that belonged in the Victorian Era than standing in my backyard.
"You’ve managed to slay the beast of own prowess? Well, that’s rather convenient."
For all I knew, this could be some kind of sexy angler monster trap.
"Uh, yeah. Not my first monster." I said but had no idea what was going on.
The woman’s eyebrows rose like they were trying to escape her forehead. "Indeed?"
She minced daintily over to the draugr’s corpse, somehow managing to avoid every puddle of goo despite wearing metal boots with heels that would’ve sent most people face-first into the dirt.
But how the hell was she not freezing, I’d been an army general amd slayed the demon king, and even I still froze when I came out here.
She gave the body a delicate poke with her toe, then hopped back with a little "eep!" when it twitched in a post-mortem spasm.
"Ahem," she said, smoothing her expression and fluffing her braid as if no one had witnessed her momentary lapse in dignity.
"Good work. These beasts are such a nuisance. Dreadful things. Always healing and reeking of such a foul odour it makes one consider death."
She turned back to me with a bright smile and a theatrical flick of her wrist.
"Saves me the trouble, at any rate. I’d have had to burn these gloves afterward. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to get draugr ichor out of enchanted silk? Practically impossible."
"Saves you...? Wait, who are you? And how did you come through that portal?" I asked, still not entirely convinced she wasn’t some kind of magical assassin sent to stab me with a dagger while I was distracted by her... very distracting everything.
"Oh, where are my manners?"
The woman swept into an elegant curtsy and somehow made the movement graceful even considering her revealing armor.
"I am Elsa Silverleaf of the World of Antheria, Crown Princess of the Elfhaven Kingdom, Protector of the Sacred Grove, Wielder of the Starblade, and appointed First Maiden of the Hero’s Party."
She straightened and flipped her braid over her shoulder with a practiced motion that sent it arcing through the air like a golden whip.
"You may address me as Princess Elsa. Or ’Your Highness,’ if you’re feeling particularly reverent."
She looked me up and down, her head tilting back to take in my full height like she was examining a particularly interesting tree.
Her eyes lingered for a moment too long on my arms and chest in a way that made me suddenly very aware that I was quite sweaty underneath all the armor.
"My word, you are a large specimen. The human men of my realm do not grow to such... imposing sizes. Do all Earth males come in your dimensions, or are you considered excessive even by your world’s standards?"
I stared at her for a long moment, trying to process the fact that I was having a conversation with an elf princess in platemail lingerie in the middle of my cornfield at midnight.
This was definitely not covered in the "What To Do With Your Lawsuit Winnings" VHS tape they made me watch.
"Right... I’m Grey. Grey Coleman." I managed, feeling like I should bow or something but settling for an awkward nod.
"Well met, Grey Coleman," Elsa said with a nod of her own that somehow managed to seem both gracious and condescending at the same time.
Then she looked around again, her perfect brow furrowing slightly.
"This... this isn’t right. Where is the Tower of Convergence supposed to be? The prophecy clearly stated it would stand at the point of the Demon King’s crossing."
"Tower of Convergence?" I echoed, feeling like I’d walked into a movie halfway through.
"There’s no tower around here. Just my farmhouse back that way."
I gestured over my shoulder toward the dark silhouette of my home against the starry sky.
Elsa’s frown deepened, creating a tiny crease between her eyebrows that somehow managed to be adorable.
"How peculiar."
She reached into a small pouch at her hip and pulled out what looked like a crystal that would’ve cost me a month’s salary in my pre-lawsuit days.
It glowed blue as she muttered something under her breath, her eyes closed in concentration like she was trying to remember if she’d turned off the magical stove before leaving home.
The crystal flashed brightly, then dimmed again.
Elsa’s eyes flew open in shock.
"By the Lustful Gods!" she gasped.
"This can’t be correct."
"What is it?" I asked, finding myself curious.
It’s hard to maintain proper suspicion when faced with someone who looks like they stepped out of a fantasy art calendar.
"This here is my chrono crystal—all Antherian members of the Hero’s Party have one. It has many functions, but at the moment it should confirm my arrival coordinates in both space and time," she explained, looking increasingly distressed as she tapped it with a long nail.
"According to this, I’ve arrived approximately twenty years before Black Lazarus is due to attempt his crossing."