I stopped and carefully lowered her to the ground.
Elsa lifted her chin to look at me.
"Wait—that’s right! If you can actually see the System interface..." she began, her eyes wide enough to reflect the entire night sky.
"No, I must ask this first: Are any other humans on your world able to perceive it?"
I shook my head.
"Not as far as I know. I tried to show it to a delivery guy once who brought me some packages. He thought I was crazy and practically threw the boxes at me before running back to his truck."
Elsa’s eyes widened further, which I wouldn’t have thought physically possible without some kind of magic.
"Fascinating! In my realm, only those chosen by fate and bloodline for the Hero’s Party can perceive the System directly. It is the mark of one destined for greatness."
She studied me with newfound interest, like she was seeing me for the first time.
"This means you must be destined to be the missing champion due to join my party for the battle ahead! The System has selected you as a Champion of Earthrealm! This explains everything! Why here, why now, why you of all people—it’s starting to make sense!"
"Whoa, let’s not get ahead of ourselves," I said, raising my hands.
"All I know is that starting a few months back, every several days—lately every single night—a portal opens, something nasty comes through, and I kill it."
"Is that all you can share?" she asked.
"No, not really. I get experience points, I level up, I get stronger—all that shit. Recently they’ve gotten bigger and tougher, so I’m leveling almost every night, whereas before it was like once every few weeks. It’s all so weird, but it’s become kind of routine. Go out, kill monster, get slightly buffer, repeat."
"There is no mere routine about it," Elsa insisted, walking backward in front of me so she could maintain eye contact as I resumed walking.
"You have been chosen, Grey Coleman! The System does not manifest for just anyone. This is destiny! Fate! The universe has selected you!"
"You know," I said, shaking my head at her enthusiasm, "with all the weird stuff that’s been happening around Wapa Lake since Countess Monroe’s mom, Dracula, conquered southwestern Minnesota a decade and some change back, I figured these portals were just another symptom of whatever supernatural mess she stirred up. The whole town’s been a hotbed for strange occurrences."
Elsa stopped in her tracks so suddenly that I almost ran into her.
Her eyes widened to a comical size.
"Countess... Monroe? A vampire noble has taken control of your region?"
I shrugged.
"Yeah, half-vampire technically. The way people talk about it, it sounds like the original vampire demigod, Countess Dracula, took over Wapa Lake not far from here about seventeen years ago. About a decade back, her and her husband went MIA with all kinds of rumors, but their daughter rules their castle now."
"How strange," she gasped, eyes widening as she took it all in.
"It’s even stranger than that," I confessed.
"Technology in this region has more or less frozen because Anya—that’s Countess Monroe—wants Wapa Lake and the surrounding areas, including here, to be exactly as her parents left it all when they return—whenever they return."
Elsa paused and tapped her foot as she considered it.
After chewing on the inside of her cheek, she spoke up with another more than fair question.
"Do your generals and rulers do nothing to stop the Countess?"
I shrugged.
"The federal government mostly leaves Countess Monroe alone as long as she doesn’t expand the territory. It’s a whole thing."
She looked at me with a scrunched up face, like she was trying to decide whether I was bullshitting her or not.
I went on.
"So when portals started opening up on my property, it wasn’t THAT shocking."
"Most fascinating," Elsa murmured, studying me with interest.
"Your realm is more complex than our seer predicted. This Countess may be an unexpected ally... or an additional complication."
She tapped her chin thoughtfully with one delicate finger.
"I shall have to consult the ancient texts when I return. If I return. Twenty years is an awfully long time to be stranded..."
We reached the farmhouse right about then.
The porch light cast a warm glow over the wooden steps, making the place look cozy and inviting.
To me, anyway.
Elsa was eyeing it like it had already wronged her somehow.
"Well," I said, gesturing to the house with a flourish, "welcome to my home."
Elsa wrinkled her nose. "It’s... quaint. In a primitive, rustic sort of way. I suppose it has a certain charm, like a particularly well-appointed peasant dwelling."
I rolled my eyes as I unlocked the door.
"Just wait until you try the ramen."
I led Elsa through the back door into my kitchen.
It was clean but pretty bare—functional appliances, basic dinnerware, and ramen noodles left on the counter.
Elsa immediately zeroed in on the ramen noodles on the counter, her nose twitching like a rabbit’s.
"What is that enticing aroma?"
"It’s ramen," I replied, starting to remove my armor.
The pauldrons came off first, followed by the chest plate.
"I don’t actually know what’s it made of. Noodles and sauce I guess."
Her eyes lit up more and more as I went on.
"May I sample this... ramen?"
"Help yourself," I said, gesturing to the box and give her a fork knowing well enough she wouldn’t know how to use chopsticks.
"But first, tell me more about this Black Lazarus guy. Who is he, and what does he want with Earth?"
Elsa took the fork and lifted the steaming paper package of the counter, and was examining its contents intensely.
She poked at it and wrapped her fork, then picked it up and sniffed it.
Finally, she took a forkful.
The transformation was immediate and almost hilarious.
Her eyes bulged with disbelief.
She froze mid-chew, then quickly devoured the rest of the bite like she was afraid someone might take it away from her.
"By the Lustful Gods!" she exclaimed, her voice taking on an awed quality. "This is... this is extraordinary!"