After we finished eating, we still had around two hours left until the premiere so everyone decided to go through what they had picked up and their new achievements, as well as to open their loot boxes. Unlike when we were in the Tutorial Guildhall, since we weren’t being walked through the process by our spastic Game Guide, we collectively decided to handle our loot and inventory individually so that it didn’t drag things out. If any of us got anything of note, we could always share.
There was some talk of maybe getting a couple of hours of grinding in instead, but ultimately the majority of us decided against it since we could get delayed and end up missing the episode.
I still hadn’t talked to Aaron about his arm and, honestly, I felt a gnawing dread in the pit of my stomach whenever I thought about it. The risks would be high. We couldn’t do it in a safe room because it could be interpreted by the system as an attack, so we would have to be out in the halls where the smell of blood could bring enemies while we were in a vulnerable state. Sure, it would only take one of us to… help him and the others could guard, but that still took our combat strength down by two, as one of us would have to cut his stump, then hold his arm while he healed.
On top of that, we were still learning how to work together in combat situations and I didn’t know about anyone else, but I knew we had gotten lucky in our fights with the crocodilians and Billy. Things could have, and should have, gone a lot worse.
I sat myself up at the corner of the bar, while my friends scattered to various parts of the Safe Room. Aaron went back to his room, while Matt stayed at the table we had eaten at. Marv moved to a large open area near the bar that I suspect Sal had cleared out for him earlier to better accommodate his size. The other girls retreated to the baths, inviting me to come with them, but I wanted a little bit of alone time as I puzzled out how exactly to handle the issue with Aaron’s arm.
I sighed as I looked at the list of loot boxes in my inventory. Some of them were Marv’s so I decided to check really quickly and see if I could open them instead. Long story short, I couldn’t. I couldn’t even select them to pull up a menu.
Interesting.
With that checked, I turned my attention to my boxes and opened them. I had decided I would wait until afterward to examine any new items I hadn’t seen before, so that I didn’t have to rush my examination.
Bronze Boss Box (1/8)
Standard Healing Potion x10, Standard Mana Potion x10, Proximity Alarm x5
Hmmm, a proximity alarm? I’m going to have to look at that later to see how it works exactly.
As if the system knew I wanted to hurry up and get through the loot box opening, the items quickly vanished and the next box took its place.
Bronze Boss Box (2/8)
Nipple Ring of Discordance, Good Healing Potion
I barely had time to react before the items vanished and the system moved on to the next box.
Bronze Color Me Impressed Box (3/8)
Astraea’s Magical Girl Coloring and Guide Book, Caran d’Ache Luminance Colored Pencil Set
A fucking coloring book?
Bronze Self-care Box (4/8)
Charismatic Mani-Pedi Kit
I wonder if that is a buffing item like Marv’s grooming kit.
White Knighting Box (5/8)
Club Vanquisher Membership Ring
Club Vanquisher? What the fuck is that?
Silver Magical Girl Box (6/8)
Mysterious Egg, Magical Incubation Pouch
I stared at the large egg, which was close to the size of an emu egg, that was sitting in a white pouch with straps on it. Interestingly, it did not vanish into my inventory like everything else did after a moment. I reached out and picked it up as the next box appeared.
Gold Adventurer Box (7/8)
Star-Maiden's Brooch Upgrade Scroll, Gold Standard Healing Potion, Mana Regeneration Potion x2
Wait, my gear can be upgraded?
Gold Explosives Box (8/8)
Rudolph’s Reusable Remote Detonator, Hobgoblin Dynamite x10
In front of me appeared a stack of hobgoblin dynamite that looked almost exactly like the icon of the one stick in my inventory. Beside that was what looked like a flip phone from the late ‘90s, it even had the old Motorola logo on it. After a moment, it was whisked away into my inventory, leaving the top of the bar empty.
I looked at the egg and pouch that were still in my hand.
Mysterious Egg
Congratulations! It's an egg! What's inside? That's for me to know and you to obsess about. Keep your new little friend safe, keep it close, and take good care of it. If you manage that for long enough, something wonderful might happen! Or it might not, that's the fun of eggs.
Included: Magical Incubation Pouch.
Magical Incubation Pouch
Because putting a developing magical lifeform into your Inventory would be a really stupid thing to do, a handy pouch that can be worn on your back has been included with your new egg. This pouch will maintain appropriate environmental conditions and protect its occupant from the minor bumps, bangs, and questionable life decisions associated with everyday dungeon crawling.
Warning: While this pouch is protective, it is not completely crawler-proof. Try not to let it get crushed by anything.
So now the AI wants me to babysit an egg?
I studied the egg for several minutes, as if it would divulge more information simply by my staring at it long enough. What I learned was simple, it was pink with lavender speckles covering all of the surfaces I could see. Likewise, the pouch appeared to be made from a durable canvas and lined with some sort of fleecy material for where the egg sat, but that was the limit of what I learned.
I touched the egg and, unsurprisingly, it felt like an egg, though there was something to it. The second I touched the egg’s surface a calm gentleness filled me. When I removed my fingers, I felt a faint emptiness lingering in its place. Experimentally, I touched the surface again and, again, I was filled with that calm gentle feeling.
This is… nice.
I removed my fingers and was again struck with that slight empty feeling.
For now, I decided that I would play the AI’s game and slung the pouch across my back as it was clearly intended to be worn. As soon as it settled into place, I could feel a warmth radiating from where it was on my back and found myself sighing a contented sigh.
I pulled open my menu and saw that I had a missed some notifications.
Oh, right. The achievement I got in the bath. Probably something pervy from the fetishistic AI.
For now, I decided to ignore it and looked at a new tab under Items that I hadn’t noticed before called New. Figuring it would group all of my newly acquired items there, I opened it and saw that I was correct.
First up were the new healing potions, which had basically the same description as the Standard Healing Potions but better, the Good Healing Potion restored 65% health and the Gold Standard Healing Potion restored 80%.
The next item was a bit more interesting…
Proximity Alarm
Favored by the rich and paranoid preppers of the Midwest, this device, when placed in any location, will play a Very Loud song if any living thing over 30 lbs comes within 20 feet of it. If you possess a Sapper’s Table, you may program a song of your choice to play, as well as set exclusions so that your bumbling party members don’t accidentally set it off. If you do not have a Sapper’s Table, the song is chosen randomly from the past US Billboard Hot 100 lists and anything considered living and over the 30 lbs will set it off, including you.
Moving on to the next item…
Mana Regeneration Potion
Restores MP at a rate of 2% per second over 60 seconds, with a cap of 5 MP per second. Can only be taken orally and will have no effect if consumed using the hotbar. Incidentally, this glowing, disturbingly blue liquid tastes faintly of cheap blue-raspberry sports drink and raw battery acid. Enjoy!
Warning: Repeated rapid consumption may result in nausea, vomiting, dizziness, and poor life choices.
I shuddered at the description of the potion’s flavor then was immediately tempted to take a sip just to see what it tasted like.
I shook my head briefly to clear it and moved on to the next item.
Nipple Ring of Discordance
Well, aren't we feeling adventurous? This is a heavy hoop made of what appears to be tarnished brass. It feels freezing cold to the touch, until equipped, at which point it throbs with a rhythmic, deeply unsettling heat. Yes, it requires a piercing. No, the system does not provide local anesthesia. Suck it up, buttercup.
Increases Charisma by +2.
Voice of Discordance: Once activated, for ten glorious seconds, your vocal cords are decoupled from reality. Anything you scream, whisper, or sob into the air is amplified into a jagged, agonizing wave of pure sonic filth. Any creature capable of hearing you (excluding you, the user) will immediately suffer Severe Ear Bleed (causing 15 sonic damage) and be Stunned for 10 seconds. Note: Creatures with the Sensitive Hearing trait or canine-adjacent biology take triple damage and their heads might actually pop. Bonus!
Cooldown: 15 hours
Warning: Does not protect the user from the sheer embarrassment of explaining why you're screaming at a goblin while clutching your chest. Also, please do not wear this near high-powered magnets, or do, if that is your kink.
And there it is… What is up with this AI and kinks?
The next pair of items I actually pulled out to examine because I wanted to get a proper look at them. It was the coloring book and colored pencil set. The pencil set was fancy, like super high dollar fancy, and had just about every shade I could imagine a color pencil set could have. It even had a rather nice pencil sharpener included. As for the Astraea’s Magical Girl Coloring and Guide Book, it was, as the name suggested, a coloring book filled with pictures of various magical girls performing different sequences that were meant for coloring. Each illustration showed each step of the sequence which would finally end on a pose.
Hm, some of these are quite intricate. I wonder if this is where the AI got that stupid pose from that it is making me do.
I flip through several pages and eventually come across a sequence identical to how I have to summon my Star-Maiden's Scepter of Judgment.
Son of a… Well, at least coloring will be a calming activity if I have some down time to dedicate to it.
I put the pencil set and coloring book back in my inventory and turned my attention to the next item in my New list.
Rudolph’s Reusable Remote Detonator
So, you wanna blow some shit up? Then you’ve come to the right place! This ergonomically designed can be used to trigger any non-improvised explosives paired with it at a range of up to 4 miles! With the ability to pair up 5 explosives at once, it is sure to bring fun for your whole family, just make sure little Timmy isn’t holding that M-80 when you set it off. Explosives paired with the Rudolph’s Reusable Remote Detonator also cause up to 20% more collateral damage; it’s that fun! To use, simply hold the device against the explosive you wish to pair it with, after 5 seconds, the device will beep twice letting you know it is properly armed. If it beeps once, however… run. Run like your life depends on it, because it does!
For several moment’s I stared at the Rudolph’s Reusable Remote Detonator item description and decided that I would have to see what qualified as a “non-improvised explosive” to try and test it out at some point… well away from everyone else.
I moved on the to the next item in the list…
Charismatic Mani-Pedi Kit
Looking fabulous is hard work, and nobody wants to face certain death with chipped nails and crusty cuticles. This deluxe manicure and pedicure kit contains everything you and your girlfriends need to keep all twenty of your little keratin shields looking their absolute best. Clippers, files, buffer, cuticle tools, and a selection of magical nail polishes are all included. Everything for a little self-care while the world burns around you!
Completing a full manicure and pedicure using this kit grants +1 Charisma for 30 hours. In addition, applying one of the included magical polishes grants a 5% damage mitigation against the type associated with that polish for the duration of the buff.
Warning: Mixing and matching is for indecisive bitches. If more than one type of magical polish is used during a single mani-pedi, you will take 5% additional damage from every damage type corresponding to the polishes currently applied.
System Note:Yes, toes count. No, painting nine fingers and deciding you are tired does not count as a full manicure. Finish what you started, princess.
The implications of that are… pretty damn good. I’m going to have to share this one with Lynn and Mary. I wonder what all the color options are. Maybe I should pull it out and look... Oh wait, there are still a couple of items to go…
I move on to the next item in the list before I find myself distracted and end up messaging my girlfriends to offer them mani-pedis…
We really should make a group chat with just the three of us because I doubt the guys would care about this stuff… Wait, what was I doing? Oh, right.
Star-Maiden's Brooch Upgrade Scroll
This scroll upgrades your Star-Maiden’s Brooch to a +1. What does that +1 do? Simple, it allows you to store a second applicable weapon in your brooch, gaining the stat benefits from that weapon while wearing the brooch and allowing you to summon it provided you can perform the correct sequence for the summoning.
Note: Only one weapon can be summoned at a time, though the stat benefits from all weapons stored are applied while wearing the Star-Maiden's Brooch.
I immediately moved the upgrade scroll to my hotbar and clicked Use without any regrets. The item told me two important pieces of information. If I wanted more stat upgrades for my brooch, I would need to locate additional weapons that were compatible with it, as well as more upgrade scrolls. It also told me that to use those weapons I would need to get better are my summoning skills and find the correct sequence to do the summoning.
I wonder if the brooch’s description will update with the sequence for each new weapon…
After letting my thoughts linger on the upgrade scrolls description for a moment, I looked at the last item on the list.
Club Vanquisher Membership Ring
Congratulations! This ring signifies that you, yes, you, are a member of one of the most prestigious clubs… Hold on, I’ll get it all out in a minute… One of the most prestige- HAHAHAHA! One of the clubs in all the crawl. HAHAHA! Oh, it is so hard to say that with a straight face. Ehm… This ring when equipped will allow you admittance through all entrances of Club Vanquisher. Okay, I’m going to stop there. Good luck, princess.
What the fuck was that about?
I pulled the ring out of my inventory and looked at it.
It, unsurprisingly, looked just like its icon which was a simple band of gold, almost like a wedding band. Seeing nothing special about it, I equipped it in my free ring slot and immediately a shimmering golden sigil of a shield with a halo and two crossed swords behind it appeared on the back of my hand. I unequipped my gloves, but the sigil remained, only it appeared to be closer to a shimmering tattoo on my bare skin. I reequipped my gloves and after a brief moment, the sigil reappeared, so I unequipped the ring instead and the sigil slowly faded away.
Interesting… Oh, that’s right, I have that ‘other’ ring too…
With a sigh, I pulled out the Nipple Ring of Discordance, and as the description stated, it is indeed cold to the touch. I could even feel it through my gloves.
I closed my eyes, trying to hype myself up to do what I was about the do. If I was correct, this was likely going to hurt quite a bit, but it would get me closer to an answer about whether or not my breasts were real. Honestly, a part of myself was expecting the AI do have been trolling me when it said they were an illusion and, considering the evidence I had collected so far, I’m almost convinced they are one hundred percent real. I wouldn’t be surprised in the least if I were able to unequip this damn bra, that the boobs stayed behind. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not because the idea of having a pair is a horrible earth-shattering thought, but they are damned inconvenient and I don’t think I’ll ever be able to sleep on my stomach again as long as they exist on my body… plus, they really do make my back hurt.
I opened my eyes and looked down at the nipple ring. Before I could hesitate any further, I opened the menu and selected Equip.