Marvel Universe, Manhattan.
Deadpool, clad in his tight red-and-black suit, found himself cornered in a narrow alley by a group of gangsters in black suits, all of them carrying guns.
“Would you look at this!
A whole pack of big, muscular men surrounding one poor, delicate boy in red!” Even with guns pointed at him from every direction, Deadpool showed no concern whatsoever.
His mouth kept running as usual.
“Place your bets, folks!
How many seconds before somebody’s intestines get tied into a decorative bow?”
“You’re dead!”
The slick-haired man leading the group finally snapped and pulled the trigger.
Bang!
By the time the gunshot rang out, Deadpool had already vanished from where he had been standing.
Slash!
A blade flashed through the alley, and one gangster immediately collapsed with a scream, clutching his right leg.
Deadpool flicked the blood from his katana and winced theatrically.
“Ooh, damn!
That looked painful!
What a shame I forgot my phone, or I’d totally call you an ambulance.
Probably.”
“Kill him!”
The gang leader roared, and the others raised their weapons without hesitation.
Bang!
Bang!
Bang!
Muzzle flashes lit up the alley as bullets poured toward Deadpool like rain.
“Whoa!
Careful with those things!
You almost hit me!”
Deadpool weaved through the barrage with ridiculous agility, bouncing around the alley like an overexcited red monkey.
Then, without warning, a translucent screen appeared directly in front of his face.
[You have been selected.
Would you like to join the Idiots’ Chat Group?]
Deadpool froze.
Unfortunately, the gangsters did not.
A bullet came in from an awkward angle and punched straight through his right ass cheek.
Splat!
Blood sprayed across the pavement.
Deadpool clutched his wounded backside and let out an undignified shriek.
“OW!
FUCK!
Oh, that burns!
Takes me right back to that night at Bob’s twenty years ago—damn you, Wolverine!”
“He’s hurt!”
“Get him!”
“Don’t let the freak escape!”
The gangsters immediately surged forward, encouraged by the sight of blood.
Boom!
A dark-green gas bomb suddenly detonated in the middle of the alley.
An eye-watering stench spread in every direction.
“Bye, kids!” Deadpool called from a fire escape above them.
“Uncle Deadpool needs to get this nine-millimeter hemorrhoid removed from his ass! This chapter is updated first at g.com.
We’ll finish playtime later!”
He limped away before anyone could recover.
…
Back at his temporary apartment, Deadpool pulled off his mask and stared intently at the chat interface floating in front of him.
Communication across different worlds?
Everyone learning and improving together?
Deadpool almost laughed.
This sounded like the final fantasy of some overweight basement dweller five seconds before cardiac arrest.
Did whoever made this thing seriously think a cheap trick like that could fool Uncle Wade?
A mocking grin spread across his scarred face.
Then he raised one hand and decisively selected his answer.
[Yes.
Join.]
A flood of information poured directly into Deadpool’s mind, instantly teaching him how the group worked and explaining its basic rules.
[Merc with a Mouth]: Helloooo?
Anybody home?
Kids, your beloved Uncle Deadpool has arrived!
[Riku-sama] [Group Owner]: Deadpool?
[Merc with a Mouth]: FUCK!
You’re the group owner?!
Do you have any idea how much suffering Uncle Deadpool endured because of you?!
Somebody shot a brand-new hole in my ass!
A BIG one!
It’s like I grew a nine-millimeter hemorrhoid!
I hereby order you to come over here RIGHT NOW and suck the bullet out, or I swear I’m shoving my little cannon so far up your nose you’ll be tasting gun oil!
[Deathwish Count]: I think I understand why you chose that username.
[I’m Not a Hair-Gel Guy]: A remarkably bold newcomer.
[Riku-sama] [Group Owner]: @Merc with a Mouth.
Watch closely.
Let me show you how this works.
[Notification: Merc with a Mouth has been muted for 999 days.]
[Doujin Artist]: PFFT!
[Deathwish Count]: I believe this is the first time our group owner has used his mute privilege.
How does it feel?
[Riku-sama] [Group Owner]: Liberating.
Blissful.
Like awakening the Demon Slayer Mark and suddenly seeing the Transparent World.
[Notification: Riku-sama has uploaded the memory file Deadpool.]
[Doujin Artist]: What the hell kind of comparison is THAT?!
[Deathwish Count]: His healing factor is rather interesting.
[Doujin Artist]: The healing factor isn’t even the craziest part.
His immortality is the real cheat!
Thanos cursed him with eternal life just to keep him away from Mistress Death.
That’s ridiculously broken!
[Notification: Merc with a Mouth has uploaded Curse of Immortality — Price: 200 Merit Points.]
[Doujin Artist]: He’s still lurking while muted?
[Riku-sama] [Group Owner]: He’s been begging for mercy in my private messages.
[Notification: Merc with a Mouth has been unmuted.]
[Merc with a Mouth]: I apologize.
I deeply regret damaging Big Bro Group Owner’s premium internet experience, and I am willing to offer my first kiss as tribute in exchange for forgiveness!
[Doujin Artist]: Huh?!
You still HAVE a first kiss?
[Merc with a Mouth]: Of course!
Uncle Deadpool brushed his teeth this morning and hasn’t kissed anybody since!
[Doujin Artist]: You mean your first kiss of the DAY?!
Incredible.
Truly impressive.
[Merc with a Mouth]: Hey, blond doujin loser girl!
You seem to know Uncle Deadpool pretty well.
Got a crush on me?
Sorry, but plain little schoolgirls like you aren’t really my type.
Even if I reluctantly married you, you’d probably only be useful as a washboard.
Eriri instantly exploded.
[Doujin Artist]: YOU’RE THE WASHBOARD!
YOUR WHOLE FAMILY IS A FUCKING WASHBOARD!
[Merc with a Mouth]: Hey!
[Image] Take a look at these two masterpieces, sweetheart.
You wanna compare?
[Doujin Artist]: Hey!
Are you seriously just going to sit there and watch this?!
@Riku-sama
[Notification: Merc with a Mouth has been muted for 999 days.]
[Riku-sama] [Group Owner]: Sorry.
I was installing a production line just now.
[Doujin Artist]: You were laughing, weren’t you?
[Riku-sama] [Group Owner]: Of course not.
I told you, I was busy.
[Doujin Artist]: Then send me a picture.
I want to see your face right now!
[Riku-sama] [Group Owner]: Don’t be ridiculous.
I really wasn’t laughing.
In reality, Riku was already struggling to breathe from laughing so hard.
Deadpool truly was one of a kind.
[Doujin Artist]: Send the picture, then!
[Riku-sama] [Group Owner]: [Image] Happy now?
[Doujin Artist]: Weren’t you supposed to be installing a production line?
Why are you wearing a face mask?
[Riku-sama] [Group Owner]: I’ve been staying up too late lately.
Got a few pimples.
[Doujin Artist]: Oh, really?
Then why is your mouth stretched halfway across your face?
Did you suddenly develop Parkinson’s or something?
[Riku-sama] [Group Owner]: Huh.
Is it really that obvious?
[Doujin Artist]: YOU BASTARD!
GO DIE!