Harry sat in the
least hygienic
meeting room imaginable—the girls' bathroom—staring at Ron and Hermione. He had just told them about hearing
murder whispers
.
Ron looked horrified. "Harry, mate... you're hearing voices?
That's never a good sign.
"
Hermione nodded. "Even in the wizarding world, that's
very
unusual."
Moaning Myrtle
suddenly shot out of a toilet
, wailing. "OH, I SEE! IGNORING ME AGAIN, ARE YOU?"
Raja, who was in a corner
deep in his own research
, didn't even look up. "Myrtle, your dramatic timing is impeccable."
Myrtle
shrieked louder
, before dramatically
diving into the toilet.
Ron sighed. "Why do
all
our meetings involve suffering?"
A huge crowd gathered in the Great Hall as
Professor Lockhart announced the Dueling Club.
"
In these dark times,
" Lockhart declared,
dramatically flipping his cape,
"I have taken it upon myself to teach you self-defense!"
His fangirls
swooned.
The rest of the students
looked nervous.
Lockhart
dragged Snape onto the stage
as his assistant. Snape's face suggested he was
seconds away from murder.
Raja has transformed into commentator form and started commenting.
Raja " On one side we have emerging Prince of Light with whitest teeth all smiles and flowers Prof. Lockhart and the other side we have Prince of Darkness himself with Gloomy and seriousness prof. Snape".
Snape
wordlessly lifted his wand.
"
Expelliarmus!
"
Lockhart
flew backward like a ragdoll
, crashing into the wall. His
wig nearly came off.
Ron whispered, "That was the best thing I've ever seen."
Lockhart
dusted himself off
, pretending it was all
planned.
"Ah, you see, a
perfect
example of a defensive strategy—"
Snape cut in. "Or, perhaps, an
example of complete incompetence.
"
Lockhart
ignored him.
Lockhart chose
Harry and Ron
for the first duel.
Snape smirked. "Perhaps Malfoy should duel Potter instead."
Malfoy
grinned maliciously.
"This'll be fun."
Raja
instantly switched into commentator mode and Attire.
"AND HERE COMES THE SLYTHERIN PRINCE, DRACO MALFOY! READY TO DESTROY HIS ENEMY,
THE BOY WHO LIVED!
"
Draco
stared at him.
"What are you
doing?
"
Raja shrugged. "Adding drama."
Harry
narrowed his eyes.
"I hate that you're enjoying this."
Lockhart
clapped his hands.
"Alright! Only
disarming
spells!"
Draco
ignored that
and immediately hit Harry with
Everte Statum
,
throwing him across the platform.
Harry,
annoyed
, hit Draco with
Rictusempra
.
Draco
flew backward
and
landed at Snape's feet.
Raja leaned into the mic. "OH, AND MALFOY LANDS WITH PERFECT FORM! A
10/10
FROM THE SLYTHERIN JUDGE!"
Snape's eye twitched.
Malfoy
recovered
and conjured a snake (
Serpensortia!
).
Lockhart
tried to vanish it.
Instead,
he launched it at the students.
Screaming erupted.
Harry,
acting on instinct,
spoke to the snake in
Parseltongue
. The snake
stopped moving.
The crowd
went silent.
Justin Finch-Fletchley
paled.
"You—you were talking to it!"
Harry
blinked.
"Yeah? I was telling it not to attack?"
Justin backed away
like Harry had just declared himself Voldemort's heir.
Raja,
in one swift motion,
transfigured the snake into a leather belt
and
wore it.
"Well, that solves
that
problem and Draco how dare you steal my Belt," Raja said casually.
Silence.
Then Hermione grabbed Harry's arm. "We need to talk."
In the Gryffindor common room,
Ron and Hermione looked worried.
"Harry," Hermione said, "do you
realize
how rare Parseltongue is?"
"Yeah," Ron added. "It's a Dark wizard thing."
Harry
looked horrified.
"Wait, you think people think
I'm
—?"
"Yep," Raja said cheerfully. "Congrats, you're the
new Dark Lord Harry.
"
Meanwhile, in the
Hufflepuff common room...
Ernie Macmillan was
panicking.
"Harry's a Parselmouth! That means he's the Heir of Slytherin!"
Hannah Abbott
hesitated.
"But... he also defeated Voldemort?"
Ernie ignored her. "HE MUST BE PLANNING SOMETHING!"
Justin
nodded.
"I'M HIDING."
Hufflepuffs:
The most dramatic house confirmed.
Late at night, Harry
heard the voice again.
"Kill... time to kill..."
He
rushed into the corridor.
On the floor—
Nearly Headless Nick and Justin Finch-Fletchley were petrified.
Before Harry could react,
Filch appeared.
Filch pointed a shaky finger. "YOU! YOU DID THIS!"
Harry
gulped.
"Oh,
great.
"
Professor McGonagall
dragged Harry to Dumbledore's office.
Before they entered, Raja
appeared out of nowhere—
In a full lawyer's suit.
"OBJECTION!" Raja
shouted.
McGonagall
facepalmed.
"Not
again...
"
Raja
adjusted his tie.
"You cannot legally question my client without his
lawyer present.
"
McGonagall sighed. "Fine. You're both coming with me."
Raja
grinned.
"YES. VICTORY."
Harry,
stressed beyond belief,
whispered, "Please
stop helping.
"
While waiting, Raja
got into an argument with every past headmaster portrait.
"You all had
one job!
To advance magical society! And look where we are!
Still using parchment!
"
Harry sighed. "Why am I here?"
The Sorting Hat chimed in. "You would've done
great
in Slytherin."
Raja snorted. "And I would've dominated Gryffindor."
Harry blinked. "Wait—
you
in Gryffindor?"
"Yeah." Raja shrugged. "But I like the drama in Slytherin better."
Suddenly, Fawkes
burst into flames.
Dumbledore walked in just in time to see the
pile of ashes.
Raja
immediately pointed at Harry.
"HE TOUCHED IT."
Dumbledore,
unfazed,
explained phoenix rebirth.
Raja
nodded.
"Fascinating. Also,
not my fault.
"
Hagrid's Dramatic Entrance & Raja's Final Act
Hagrid
burst in.
"Professor! It
wasn't
Harry! He ain't done nothing wrong!"
Raja,
already in his lawyer suit,
nodded. "I
already
filed for his defense."
Dumbledore asks if Harry has something to tell him. harry, despite knowing about the mysterious voice, says, "No, sir. Nothing."
Dumbledore sighed and turned to Raja. "You
definitely
know something."
Raja
grinned.
"Yes. But I
won't
tell you."
Dumbledore sighed. "Figures."
And with that,
the investigation continued...
along with Raja's
never-ending
nonsense.
To Be Continued...