SHAN
“Are you sure you can move your things by yourself?”
Right after my high school graduation, I didn’t even have time to celebrate when I got home.
I immediately started packing my things so I could move into my condo.
I didn’t care that classes hadn’t started yet and that it was still summer.
I needed to leave this house.
I had waited for it my whole life.
“Kuya Roel will help me.” I told Tita Erin.
Elyse was just outside, sitting on the stairs with a pout on her face.
She was probably mad that I was leaving the house so early, but she would never understand why.
Not at her age.
Maybe when she grew up, she would understand.
I just hoped she wouldn’t learn it the hard way.
I was still hesitant to leave because of Elyse.
What if Dad started showing his true colors to her?
That… wouldn’t happen, right?
I had seen enough to know that he could never treat her the way he treated me because she was his favorite child.
She was the loved child.
He was different around her.
But I still planned to visit often just to check up on Elyse.
I couldn’t just leave her here alone… but she had her mom, and I had had enough of this setup.
I wanted to be free.
Even if I had no idea how to live on my own, I would figure it out—as long as I could get out of this house.
I packed all of my things with no plans of coming back.
I only left the furniture because the unit was already furnished.
I heard Tita Erin helped with it.
I didn’t even care what the unit looked like anymore.
I could live anywhere else except here.
“Are you mad at me?” I sat beside Elyse on the stairs while Kuya Roel gathered all my things and loaded them into the van.
She couldn’t even look at me.
She was so bad at hiding her feelings.
“No.” She pouted and looked in the opposite direction, refusing to talk to me.
“I’ll visit you often.
We’ll still see each other.” I tried to make her feel better, but she only crossed her arms over her chest and still refused to show me her face.
“Trust me, Eli.
Once you grow up, you won’t want me around anymore.” I laughed and poked her cheek with my finger.
She would probably start hiding boys from me or sneaking off to parties.
Who would want a strict older brother around, right?
“That’s not true!” She glared at me.
I think I only made the situation worse… but she still wouldn’t be able to understand.
She could say that now, but I knew she would change her mind after realizing that she wanted her own space too.
When she grew up, she’d start sneaking away from her bodyguard too.
She’d start sneaking away from her driver.
She’d start sneaking away from me or from Mommy too.
“Well… I have to go now.” I stood up and walked down the stairs, but I stopped to look at her again.
I didn’t want to leave while she was sulking like that, but my dad would be home any second, so I wanted to leave without seeing him.
“Goodbye, Eli.
You have Jewel.
She’ll replace me here.”
She just rolled her eyes and hugged the puppy.
I could only let out a sigh before walking out, leaving the house.
It was a new beginning for me… A new beginning of a peaceful life.
The van drove out of the gate just as I saw my dad’s car entering.
I felt relieved when we were finally on the road.
I closed my eyes and let out a deep sigh.
“Finally…” I whispered in relief.
“Can you take care of yourself?” Kuya Roel asked while driving.
I gave him a small smile while looking out the window.
“What could be worse than being around someone who always wanted to kill me?” What could be worse than that, right?
I managed to survive.
Barely.
But I still did.
I could survive being alone.
Besides, Hiro would be nearby.
“I’m proud of you, Shan.”
It felt good to hear that from him.
It felt good to hear that from anyone who knew all the shit I had gone through.
It was already dark when we arrived at the unit.
Kuya Roel and I moved my things inside until late in the evening, when I told him to go home because I could arrange everything by myself.
After he left, I sat on the couch and looked around.
Tita Erin had designed it so well that it matched my personality.
I liked the colors.
I liked the furniture.
I was alone… but I felt free.
There were a lot of things to learn, and I had the whole summer for that.
I started learning how to cook while still attending my martial arts classes.
I learned how to clean.
I learned how to pay the bills using the allowance Dad gave me.
The more time I spent alone in the unit, the more I forgot that I had a dad.
He was just… Alfred to me.
I cut the skin on my fingers many times.
I stumbled and fell while cleaning and fixing things.
I also sometimes forgot to pay the monthly dues.
But all of those were part of the learning process.
No matter how hard it was, I still tried to survive… because there was no other person or thing that could kill me now except me.
“This is a nice unit, bro!” Hiro looked around, but he didn’t get the chance to admire the place because we had to leave immediately.
Today, we were taking Acel to Pampanga.
He would start living in the dorms, so we were going to help him move his things.
Hiro hired a driver to take us to Pampanga.
I slept the whole trip, so when I woke up, we were already at the school.
It was in a large field with lots of airplanes around.
As soon as I got out of the car, I could already see the airplanes landing.
It was amazing.
Acel said he could arrange his things by himself, so we just ate outside together one last time before leaving him there.
Since we were already in Pampanga, I asked if we could visit Bataan.
I just wanted to see the beach again.
“It’s my mom’s death anniversary.” I told Hiro while looking out the window.
He nodded and didn’t know what to say.
He just looked sad for me.
We went to the nearest beach and parked the car by the side of the road.
There weren’t many people passing by there.
I took off my shoes and started walking barefoot on the sand until I reached the shoreline.
I stood there and watched the waves rise and fall, creating the peaceful sound of water crashing against the shore.
I felt the wind blowing through my hair, something that never failed to make me feel warmth and comfort.
I liked windy places… because they always made me feel as if someone was beside me or embracing me.
“Your mom must be so proud of you right now.” Hiro said, standing beside me with his hands in his pockets.
“I haven’t achieved anything.” I laughed and shook my head.
Why would she be proud of me?
“You’re living.
Today.” Hiro glanced at me.
“That’s enough of an achievement, Shan.”
Right.
He was right.
I was still alive.
It might have been something small, something normal for everyone else, but not for us.
Not for me.
I lived today, and yesterday, and all the days before that—the past months and the past years.
I lived through one continuous yesterday.
That was something to celebrate.
That was something I should be proud of.
________________________
What did college feel like?
I couldn’t fucking describe it in words.
I had just entered a world I knew nothing about, and I had such a hard time keeping up.
The adjustment period during first year was shit.
People approached me to make friends, at least, but from high school to college… the subjects had tripled in difficulty.
It took me one whole year to adjust.
College introduced me to a lot of firsts.
My first time partying.
My first time drinking.
My first time trying a cigarette.
My first time dating.
My first time kissing.
I was like a wild animal set free from a cage.
I explored a new world with my friends and Hiro.
I didn’t know freedom could taste this bitter too, but I didn’t care.
“What did your aunt say to you again?” Hiro asked when we stepped out of the bar for a while to get some fresh air.
I shook my head and let out a heavy sigh.
“My mom will transfer everything she owned to me… when I turn twenty-one.
It was… so fucking much.
I didn’t know she had that much.
I was just a kid and thought all she owned was a school, and that was it.”
“What?” Hiro gasped and covered his mouth in shock.
“Like what?
Bro, that’s amazing!
You won’t need to deal with that old man anymore.”
“She… owned a large condo unit in Taguig and one in Rockwell.
She also had land properties… and a damn coffee shop, which is already closed down, but I can reopen it once I graduate.” I was so excited to tell Hiro all about it. This chapter is updated first at g.com.
I never knew my mom was rich.
She could have easily left Alfred’s mansion, but she… chose to stay for me.
Part of me thought Alfred owed his success to my mom.
My mom helped him build his company when he was just starting out.
Ledezma Group.
The older I got, the more I realized that my dad owed me his responsibilities.
He should at least pay for my tuition and give me an allowance because those were the bare minimum he could do as a father.
I thought of it as him making up for all the shit he had put me through… although I knew those things would never be enough.
“I won’t use my mom’s money until I have to.
The old man’s rich.
I should take advantage of that.” I told Hiro.
Well, I still had nothing to use yet.
I wasn’t twenty-one.
“Are you still planning to go to law school or med school?”
“Law school sounds fun.” The corner of my lips lifted as I thought about the additional expenses Alfred would have to shoulder.
I actually had no interest in law or medicine, but I just wanted to keep doing more things.
I didn’t want to get bored.
I was always busy in college, hiding the fact that I was alone.
I made lots of friends who never really got to know me.
They were friends I could hang out with but never truly open up to.
I attended a lot of parties and even hosted some.
I drank so much that eventually it became almost impossible for me to get drunk anymore… the same thing had happened to Hiro.
It was almost the start of our third year when we decided to visit Acel in Pampanga.
His classes had started earlier than ours, so we just waited for him to finish while staying in the lobby of their school.
Hiro took the opportunity to earn flight hours, so I was alone on the couch, waiting for both of them.
“Oh, Shan.
You’re here.
Want some?” Haze suddenly sat beside me and offered me what he was eating.
A doughnut.
He was an instructor for aspiring pilots, so he was always there.
I heard it was only his part-time job because he actually held a high position in their company.
“Shan!”
I turned around when I saw Acel coming out of the lecture room, hurrying toward us.
He was holding onto his backpack when he suddenly slowed down after noticing the man sitting beside me.
I frowned and looked at Haze.
Acel was about to walk over to us when a woman suddenly shyly grabbed his arm.
They talked for quite a while.
It sounded like a confession.
When I looked at Haze, he was simply on his phone, talking to some businessmen.
“What was that?” I asked Acel when he finally stood in front of us.
“A confession.”
I knew it.
He glanced at Haze again, who couldn’t have cared less.
He was still busy with his phone call and only gave Acel a nod when he noticed him looking.
My brows furrowed as I looked back at Acel.
“Let’s eat outside!
Are you coming?” He asked Haze, getting his attention.
“Wait a moment.” Haze raised one finger before ending the call.
“No, I’m not going.
Why would I go?” He asked in confusion.
“Yeah, why would he go?” I asked too, confused.
Acel didn’t answer.
He just looked away, which made everything even more suspicious.
“I have a meeting to attend.
Say hi to my brother for me.
Adios!” He smiled and patted both Acel and me on the shoulders before leaving.
After he left, Acel sat beside me and stared off into space.
I stared at him for a long time, puzzled.
“Do you…” I couldn’t finish the question.
He simply looked at me, waiting for me to finish my sentence.
“Never mind.” I looked away and leaned back against the chair, thinking.
“I have a crush.”
My eyes widened when I heard Acel speak.
I immediately turned to look at him.
“But she already rejected me.”
I couldn’t say anything.
I… already knew who it was.
“Are you giving up?” I asked him.
He only gave me a small smile.
A sad one.
“You’re giving up…”
KIERRA
“I give up!
I can’t remember!”
I grabbed my head and covered my face with a pillow.
I had been trying for so long to remember what I said to Ciandrei last night!
The only thing I could remember was that after we talked, I went back inside the restaurant and Luna and I went home together.
“Luna!” I shouted.
She immediately ran into my room as if something terrible had happened to me.
She was still brushing her teeth and had one hand under her chin in case anything dripped from her mouth.
“Did you see a guy outside the restaurant yesterday when we went home?”
She took the toothbrush out of her mouth.
“What guy?
There wasn’t anyone!”
Then she put it back in.
I kicked my legs in the air in frustration because I couldn’t remember.
I knew I was with him last night.
I knew he asked me about our boundaries… but I didn’t know what I said!
And then… and then… When I opened Instagram, I was already following him!
“Kierra… What is this…” I whispered after Luna left.
I had to find out because I might have said something wrong.
That conversation was the only thing I remembered, and nothing else.
Out of everything I could have forgotten, why did I forget what I said?
This won’t do.
I immediately got dressed to visit the coffee shop, but when I got there, they told me it was his day off.
His day off again?
I just bought a fruit cup so it wouldn’t be embarrassing before going back to the condo.
I spent the entire weekend thinking about it, but I really couldn’t remember.
Ciandrei and I didn’t see or talk to each other after that either.
“You’re thinking deeply, huh.
That’s hard to dive into!”
I snapped out of my thoughts when I heard Sevi’s voice beside me.
“One barbecue and two kwek-kwek, please.” He told the street vendor.
Via, Luna, and I were in Dapitan, eating street food while waiting for our next class.
Sevi was with Theo, so he greeted us too.
Luna nudged me with her elbow, hinting because Theo was there.
I ended up glaring at her.
What was she up to now?
“I’ll treat each of you to one barbecue.
Go on, while I’m still feeling generous!” Sevi said with a grin.
Wow.
He was treating us!
Of course, we didn’t refuse.
I even took a picture of him while I was holding the barbecue and posted it on my Instagram Story to thank him for the treat.
A miracle.
For three days, I stopped by the coffee shop every morning to buy coffee, but he was never there.
I didn’t want to ask when he would be back, so after that, I just stopped going.
I avoided the place instead… But he was still alive, right?
I sat up from bed when I saw the Instagram Story he had just posted from a club.
He was sitting on a couch with several people, and there was a girl beside him with his hand around her waist.
“Hmm… Okay.”
Maybe he had found himself a new girlfriend.
I tried sleeping again but woke up twice in the middle of the night for no reason.
Maybe I dreamed about it again, but I couldn’t remember.
When I woke up, I couldn’t remember what I had dreamed about.
I was always just panting whenever I woke up.
It was better than remembering.
When I woke up the second time, it was only five o’clock, but I couldn’t fall asleep again, so I changed into my workout clothes and went jogging downstairs around the condo.
I just kept running and running until I got tired and decided to sit down.
I was breathing heavily as I watched the sun rise.
What was I trying so hard to forget?
Sam suddenly messaged me, asking me to have breakfast with her after seeing me online on Instagram.
She picked me up after I changed my shirt because I was already sweaty.
She was the complete opposite of me when I saw her.
She looked so fresh and clean in the morning.
“You’re up so early.” I said to her.
It was only six-thirty, and she was already asking me to have breakfast.
“I worked out too,” she said.
“You were the only one online, so I messaged you.”
She drove us to BGC to have breakfast.
It was pretty far, but she said she was treating me, so I had no complaints.
It was a good thing the weather was nice, so we could have breakfast outside the restaurant.
The sun wasn’t too harsh yet, and there was a cool breeze.
“How’s it going?” She asked while we waited for our orders.
We were sitting at a table outside under a large umbrella.
Bautista?”
I shook my head.
“I stopped going…”
She fell silent and simply nodded, thinking.
“I know another doctor.
Dr.
Peja…” She suggested again.
I smiled at her and still asked for the contact information so she wouldn’t worry about me.
I knew she was only trying to help.
I didn’t want to refuse Sam’s help.
She always wanted what was best for us.
“Do you know… a guy named Ciandrei?” I asked when he came to mind.
She looked surprised and took out her phone to show me his Instagram profile.
“Yes, here…”
“Why?
What’s going on with Shan?
Is he flirting with you?” She immediately asked one question after another, as if she already knew what was happening.
So he really was always associated with flirting, huh?
“He’s my friend, but you’d better be careful if you don’t want your heart broken.”
“Why?”
I was curious about what other people had to say about him.
“Don’t get me wrong.
Shan is a good person, but when it comes to commitment, he’s… everywhere.” I knew exactly what she meant by that.
I also didn’t know why I kept running into that guy.
“What I mean is… he doesn’t focus on just one thing.
He always wants to be doing something.
He always wants to keep himself occupied… with parties, books, or dating.
After one thing ends, there’s always another.
It’s hard to keep up with him.”
“And he never runs out of friends with benefits either?”
Because he said he didn’t want to date anymore.
He just wanted to fuck.
“I can’t answer that.
I don’t know about that,” she said, trying hard not to spread rumors.
“But when you hear his name, you just know he’s a walking heartbreak.
There’s no chance of commitment with him.
It’s because he makes you think he cares… but he doesn’t.
He’s just nice.
He’s like that with everyone.”
“Is he nice?” I shook my head, unable to believe it.
How was he nice?
“Well, he treats his friends well.
It’s just that… that’s as far as it goes.
It always feels like you know him as a person, but you don’t actually know him deep inside.
He has walls around him that only his closest friends can get through.”
I felt that often.
He always knew what I was thinking, but I had no idea what was going on inside his head.
He was just that hard to read.
Sometimes I thought I understood him, but it felt like he was holding me back.
It only made me more curious.
What was he really like?
Who was he, really?
“If you’re the type of woman who doesn’t want commitment, then he’s perfect for you… but never hope for anything more than what he offers because you’ll only end up getting hurt.
You can’t change your mind halfway through because he never did.
He’s never fallen for anyone before.
He’s never committed to anyone before.
Just saying.” She shrugged and took a sip of her shake.
“You might just get hurt if you try…”
It was like hearing about a completely different character from another movie who happened to have the same name.
Seeing him through other people’s perspectives made me feel like I knew him better… when I actually didn’t.
Other than his name, his school, and his reputation, I knew nothing.
“He actually lives around here now…” Samantha looked around.
My lips parted in surprise.
Here?!
In BGC?!
“Yes, Kierra, he’s rich as hell.
He’s a Lopez-Ledezma.”
“Huh?” I blinked.
A Lopez-Ledezma?
A… Ledezma?!
“As in Ledezma Group?”
“He lives in one of those fancy high-rise buildings…” Sam pointed toward the ones in front of us.
“Which probably cost millions.”
“Isn’t he a barista?” I asked in confusion.
“And why is his workplace so far away?
In QC?”
“I told you… He likes doing a lot of things at the same time.
He juggles everything.
It’s probably just his hobby.” She nodded.
Wow… I was learning a lot.
“Which coffee shop?”
“Yesterday’s Coffee.”
“Oh, he owns that.” She pointed out.
“What?!”
I didn’t know if she was joking or not, but she looked completely serious.
Why would she lie?!
But… how did that happen?!
Wait… Now everything made sense!
He didn’t have a schedule because he could work whenever he wanted to!
He could even take unlimited days off!
“Damn.” I held my head.
I had never known any of this before.
Well… I had never asked him, anyway.
I was afraid he’d think I was interested in him.
“I didn’t expect that.”
“You’re funny, Ke!
Everyone knows that!” She even laughed at me.
“Why?
Are you interested in him?”
“Ew, no!” I denied immediately.
“I just see him at the coffee shop, but lately he’s hardly ever there.”
And why did I even say that?!
“Hmm… So you even notice when he’s absent.” Sam started teasing me.
“Do you want to know more about him?
Don’t worry… you’re not the only one asking me questions.”
Huh?
What did she mean by that?
But wait… I’m not interested, okay?!
What was Samantha thinking?!
I had just given her the wrong idea.
“Oh, speak of the devil…” Sam set down her shake and gestured with her lips toward a direction.
When I turned, my eyes widened and I immediately sat up straight.
I even hid my face when I saw Ciandrei walk into the restaurant.
He was wearing workout clothes and looked like he had just finished jogging.
“If you’re that curious, you should ask him why he doesn’t visit the café anymore.” Sam said with a laugh, teasing me again.
“Sam!” I warned her.
I casually sipped my shake while looking in the opposite direction so Ciandrei wouldn’t notice me.
He didn’t notice me… But he did notice Sam!
“Yo, Sam!
What’s up?
I didn’t know you were here.
I should’ve treated you to breakfast.” I heard him say as he walked over.
I squeezed my eyes shut, still trying to hide my face from him.
“Oh, come on.
It’s fine, Shan.
Thanks for the kind thought.
Anyway, this is my friend, Kierra.”
My lips parted when I heard my name.
Samantha?!
She wasn’t the Samantha I knew anymore!
She had just betrayed me!
When I looked up, Shan’s eyes met mine.
A memory suddenly flashed through my mind the moment I saw the look on his face.
“So, how close can we get, Kierra?
What should be our limit?
You tell me.” He whispered, staring straight at me.
I unconsciously reached out and touched his face as he watched my hand move closer to him.
He raised an eyebrow when my palm rested against his cheek.
There was a bandage on it.
“Should there be a limit?” I asked.
I couldn’t even see him clearly anymore.
My vision was spinning, which made me laugh.
“Crazy idea.
I want to get to know you more…”