KIERRA
“How much was that again… Ugh, where’s my phone?”
When the sunlight hit my face, I immediately woke up.
Only then did I realize where I was and what I had done last night.
I could only close my eyes and press a hand against my forehead.
I didn’t even drink.
That wasn’t part of our plan, but…
Why?!
I was still wearing the same clothes I wore last night.
I was being extra careful so I wouldn’t wake the man up.
Shit, it would be so awkward if he saw me leaving.
I mean…
It was just a one-night stand, right?!
I should leave immediately!
How did this even happen, Kierra?
We were just eating bingsu.
We started laughing and talking about other things…
and then the truth or dare.
The truth or dare!
Right, that’s what caused it.
I wasn’t the woman I was yesterday.
I saw my phone charging on the side table beside my wallet.
I checked if anything was missing from my wallet, but nothing was gone.
I even accused that guy of being a thief in my head.
I was searching for the menu of the restaurant I dined at last night so I could pay for the food.
The guy charged it to his room!
I need to pay for it!
I don’t want to owe that man anything.
Especially since I don’t even know him.
Actually, it’s better that I don’t know him so I can forget him right away and he can forget me just as quickly.
I just left four one-thousand-peso bills on the side table before going into the bathroom to wash my face and prepare to leave.
My hair was such a mess!
I didn’t expect any of that to happen.
“Fuck,” I whispered to myself as I remembered what happened last night.
“Wrong… So very wrong…”
I regretted it a lot, but it wasn’t a bad night.
I was… distracted.
For the first time in months, I wasn’t crying at night because of Miguel.
I had even forgotten that I was carrying those thoughts yesterday.
Time passed so quickly that I didn’t notice it.
For the first time… I wasn’t thinking about him.
I had my breath of fresh air last night… but today, I went back to reality.
I can’t run away from the past forever.
I went to the kitchen first and looked back at him sleeping.
“Ah, shit,” I whispered to myself before doing something I never thought I’d do.
I just wanted to leave something aside from my payment for the food I ordered last night.
After all, he was fun to talk to.
I’ve already done more than enough, so I don’t owe him anything anymore!
As soon as I stepped out of that hotel room, I promised myself that I would forget everything that happened last night.
It was just for one night.
I was someone else.
I wanted to be free for one night… but it was all pretentious… because in the end, I would still return to who I really am… to what I truly feel.
Nothing changed.
What gave it away?
Why did it happen?
Why did I allow it?
Was it my desire to prove to myself that…
I could do anything?
Was that it?
Was it worth it?
I felt free for one night.
I wasn’t crying for one night.
I felt like I wasn’t the person who was broken and damaged inside.
I felt… normal… like everyone else.
I got carried away by my emotions.
I thought it would be like in the movies.
I used someone else to forget him, but afterward I felt even worse.
It was never like the movies or the books.
It never was.
“Where have you been?
I’ve been looking for you since last night!
When I called you at dawn, a man answered!
I was so scared, Kierra!
I was this close to calling the police!”
My cousin Luna immediately scolded me when I got home.
She looked furious and had her hands on her hips.
“My phone got lost last night,” I reasoned, avoiding her gaze.
She knows me too well, so she always knows when I’m lying.
“And why do you keep covering yourself like that?”
She immediately snatched the cardigan I had been carrying since last night.
Her lips parted when she saw what was on my chest.
I quickly covered it and looked away.
“Kierra?!
Who hurt you?!
Fuck—”
“Luna!” I cut her off.
I covered my face, completely embarrassed.
“H-he wasn’t rough…” I couldn’t look at her.
“What?” she asked, confused.
“I’m sleepy… Let’s talk later.”
I immediately went into my room and shut the door, but she followed me right in and grabbed my shoulders.
I could clearly see from her face that she had realized what it was.
“Holy shit… You have a new boyfriend?
Y-you beat me to it?!” she asked in disbelief.
I shook my head.
“Not your boyfriend?!
Kierra, what is going on with you?!”
“Luna… It was nothing.” I still couldn’t look at her.
This was so embarrassing!
I couldn’t even explain myself because I didn’t know how it happened either.
“It was nothing?!
Huh?!” She looked even more shocked.
“One-night stand?!
Or… Or… Do you have a friends-with-benefits now?!”
“It was just a one-night stand,” I explained so the conversation would end.
“It won’t happen again.
Okay?”
“Just?!
It was just a one-night stand?!
What the fuck!”
She ran a hand through her hair, as if everything I’d said still hadn’t sunk in.
I know it wasn’t easy to believe because even I didn’t know why or how it happened… but I didn’t think about it anymore.
To me, that night never happened.
It felt like a dream.
“Tell me everything!
What happened?!”
I bit my lower lip and looked away, trying to remember how it all started.
“Luna…”
“What?”
She sat beside me and waited.
I looked away and sighed.
“It’s like this… Last night, I went out to eat because, of course… I didn’t want to stay trapped in my room anymore.
You left, remember?
Then I was alone, so…”
“Kierra, I’m only stepping out for a little while.
Will you be okay here?
Do you need anything?
Do you need me?”
I looked at Luna and laughed because her eyes were filled with so much worry.
I understood why.
It had only been about three months since I got out of the hospital.
I knew she’d be worried.
“I’m okay here.
Don’t worry.”
Ever since that happened, she hated leaving me alone.
She still looked hesitant, but I smiled at her.
She let out a sigh and simply reminded me to call her if I needed anything before she closed the door.
The smile disappeared from my lips as soon as the door shut.
I stared at the TV even though I couldn’t understand what I was watching.
I covered my face and leaned my head against the couch with my eyes closed.
“Fuck,” I whispered to myself.
I couldn’t even watch romantic movies anymore without thinking about him… and the nightmare he put me through.
I loved romantic movies.
I liked reading romantic books… because I loved imagining what it would feel like to love someone… or to be loved.
Wrong.
It didn’t feel like that at all.
I couldn’t leave the condo during the entire break while trying to heal myself… and my heart.
On top of that, I was always scared that he might be out there.
I was scared that he might be following me to hurt me again.
Just the thought of him being free outside terrified me.
That was the unfair part… because he was still free to go wherever he wanted while I remained trapped inside my own fear.
I wanted to stay in my room forever, where I felt like he couldn’t reach me.
But the air inside that room was already suffocating me.
I needed to go outside.
I needed to face my fear.
I needed to at least pretend that everything was normal… that everything was okay.
I stood up and changed my clothes.
I wore a black formal dress and tied my hair into a ponytail before putting on makeup.
I dressed up to hide the fact that I was a mess.
I couldn’t even look at myself in the mirror.
It was pretentious… but it was all I could do today.
Pretend.
How was I supposed to convince myself that I could do this?
That I was brave today?
I wanted to… be someone else… even if it was only for today.
I was tired of staying inside.
Tired of locking myself in my room.
It was the first time I wanted to go out and be… free.
I didn’t know where I wanted to go.
I was just standing in front of the lobby, trying to figure out what I wanted to do.
Should I buy myself a good meal for the first time?
Hmm… I think I should do that.
It’s already dinnertime, and I’m hungry anyway.
I booked a car to a restaurant I’d been wanting to try.
I was trying so hard not to tremble while the car was moving… because just being inside a car scared me.
The memories kept flashing back.
Because of him, I had become afraid of cars, especially the shotgun seat.
“We’re here, Ma’am.”
I hadn’t even noticed the time.
I was already there.
After getting out, I took the elevator up to the floor where the restaurant was located.
I felt awkward being alone, but I didn’t know who I could bring with me either.
“Welcome, Ma’am!” the waitress greeted me.
I didn’t have a reservation, but since Daddy came here often, they gave me a table.
I looked around to see if I recognized anyone.
Thankfully, I didn’t.
I suddenly realized how lonely I was while looking around and seeing all those couples having the time of their lives.
Meanwhile, I was here trying to make myself forget.
What was I supposed to do?
Pretend.
That’s what I would do.
Pretend I was someone else… and not myself.
“Thank you,” I told the waitress when she served the pasta I ordered.
I rested my chin on my hand while eating.
This was hard.
I had no one to talk to.
No one with me.
I went out, but I was still alone, so I couldn’t distract myself from my thoughts.
Suddenly, I wished I had someone with me.
Someone who didn’t know me… so I wouldn’t feel pitied.
Someone who didn’t know what I was really feeling… just so I could pretend that everything was normal.
I felt like crying while eating my pasta.
It frustrated me so much.
I bit my lower lip when it started trembling, and tears pooled in the corners of my eyes from all the anger I was holding in.
My hand shook as I held my fork.
I let out a heavy sigh before covering my face.
I leaned back against my chair for a moment to calm myself down.
I lowered my hands from my face when I felt someone sit across from me.
I looked at the man in confusion.
He was wearing semi-formal attire as well, but his necktie was loosened.
“Who are you?” I raised an eyebrow at him.
He looked familiar… but not that familiar.
I didn’t even know his name.
“Are you okay?” he asked, concern visible in his eyes.
An English speaker.
“Did someone ditch you?
Why do you look like you’re about to cry?” One of his eyebrows rose.
So many questions.
I wish he’d ask them one at a time.
“That’s a long name,” I snapped back sarcastically and rolled my eyes without answering any of his questions.
I heard him laugh.
He looked so amused by my response.
What was so funny?
“Can I sit here?” he asked this time.
“I got ditched too.”
The corner of his lips lifted into a smile.
He was such a great liar.
But I was getting better at recognizing lies.
“You’re asking when you’re already sitting down,” I said grumpily.
His amused smile widened when he heard my reply.
He even rested his elbows on the table and leaned forward slightly.
I didn’t budge and simply raised an eyebrow at him.
Who is this guy, and why is he sitting here?
“You’re pretty grumpy, huh?” he said with a grin.
“Just keep that face instead of the one earlier.”
“What was the other one?” I pretended not to know what he meant even though I did.
“Wait… Were you watching me?”
“No, you just caught my attention,” he said smoothly.
“I wondered why you looked so scared… and thought someone might be bothering you… so where is he?
I’m pretty good at fighting, you know.”
I didn’t ask.
“He’s not here,” I said firmly.
“So there really is someone,” he concluded.
What is this guy’s problem?
Why is he so nosy?!
He was even watching me from afar.
Maybe I should be scared of him instead!
Who even is this guy?!
He raised a hand and ordered a dessert for two from the waitress before gesturing for me to finish my food.
I shook my head at him and continued eating my pasta while he deliberately looked away.
It felt like he was avoiding eye contact because he didn’t want me to feel uncomfortable.
It was working.
When the ice cream he ordered for both of us arrived, he looked at me again.
He leaned forward while eating his ice cream with a small spoon.
He stared at me as though he could read my mind, so I tried hard to hide my thoughts.
“Please tell me ice cream is your comfort food.” He raised both eyebrows at me.
“If not, I’d feel really bad for ordering the wrong thing.”
“Yes, it is my comfort food, but you didn’t get the right flavor.
I like chocolate, not vanilla,” I replied.
I didn’t even know why I was still talking to him.
“Damn.” He genuinely looked frustrated that he’d gotten it wrong.
“Hmm… Dark chocolate seems more like your personality.”
“Is guessing ice cream flavors based on people’s personalities your hobby?
Do you charge for that?” I replied sarcastically.
But somehow, everything I said made him laugh.
I wasn’t even trying to be funny.
What is wrong with this guy?
“Why?
Are you willing to pay me?” He raised one eyebrow.
“Just buy me an ice cream next time too.”
“There won’t be a next time.” I raised an eyebrow and gave him a sarcastic look.
“Trust me, there will.”
This time he gave me a smug smile.
We stared at each other for a long moment before I shook my head and went back to eating my ice cream.
We quietly finished our desserts, but surprisingly, I didn’t feel awkward.
All I could think about was coming up with a good comeback for whatever he might say next.
What would his next punchline be?
How was I supposed to shut him down?
“Do you drink?” he asked after finishing his ice cream.
“Sometimes,” I replied.
I hadn’t really been drinking lately since I rarely left the house or my condo.
He nodded and asked the waitress for a glass of water.
I thought he was going to order alcohol.
“How will you get home?
I’d offer to take you, but I know you’d probably be even more scared because I’m a stranger.
So I’d suggest booking a ride instead.
If something bad happens, call me.” He wrote his number on a tissue and handed it to me.
I laughed sarcastically.
“Is this how you pick up girls?
It’s pretty lame.”
“Did you just assume I want to pick you up?” He leaned forward and smirked.
“Or are you projecting?
Am I your type?
Then try picking me up.” He sat back properly and crossed his arms over his chest.
I stared at him for a long moment while he stared right back, waiting for my response.
He even thanked the waitress when the water arrived.
Then I blurted out the first thing that came to mind, just to see his reaction.
“Do you want to sleep with me?”
I expected him to spit out his water, but instead, he simply smirked behind the glass while drinking, as if he had expected that question from me.
When he set the glass down, he stared at me, looking as though he was trying to read my thoughts.
“Sex won’t solve your problems, woman,” he told me.
“I’m not asking you to solve them,” I shot back.
“And I’m not asking to have sex.”
He stared at me again before letting out a short laugh.
He raised a hand to ask for the bill.
He didn’t even bother looking at it and simply signed.
“Charge it to my room,” he said seriously.
Pretending once again.
I wanted to be brave that night and forget everything.
I didn’t want to look scared.
I didn’t want to be myself.
I was so tired of living in fear.
If pretending for one night could hide my emotions, then I was willing to do it.
I could have used anyone.
It just so happened that this man… sat down in front of me.
“Alright… Do you want to come up to my room?
We can order more food, I guess,” he said, holding out his hand.
I took it, and we walked out of the restaurant.
I bit my lower lip while we stood inside the elevator.
It was just the two of us, and the silence felt heavy.
“You’re not seeing anyone, right?” he asked.
I shook my head.
“What about you?” I asked back.
I didn’t want to get myself into trouble.
“Nope,” he said, popping the “p.” “Never.”
The elevator ride felt so long.
I suddenly grew nervous when it finally sank in that we were really heading to his hotel room.
I silently thanked the heavens when the elevator doors opened, and I followed him to his room.
“Ciandrei,” he said while unlocking the door with a key card.
“Ciandrei Kyle.
That’s my name… but you can call me Shan.”
I nodded, and we walked inside.
I didn’t tell him my name.
I didn’t want him to be able to find me afterward.
I had no plans of ever seeing him or talking to him again after this.
He removed his necktie and draped it over the sofa.
Meanwhile, I sat down and looked around the room.
A moment later, I stood up and walked over to the large glass wall to admire the city lights.
“What do you want to order?” he asked while holding the menu.
“They have… hmm… fruit shakes?
Oh, here.
They have bingsu.”
“That one, I guess,” I said indifferently, still looking outside.
He called the restaurant and ordered the bingsu.
I had no idea what it was, so I was surprised when it arrived in the room and I saw how huge it was.
I sat down on the sofa while he sat beside me.
I took off my heels while he tried to figure out how to eat it without making a mess.
“Don’t do that.
It’ll spill everywhere,” I said.
I placed the bingsu back on the tray and carefully transferred some onto a small plate to make it easier to eat.
“So, why are you here?” he asked while we ate.
“Why did you even trust me?”
My feet were tucked up on the sofa, facing him, while he sat a little farther away as if giving me space.
“I don’t,” I answered.
“You’ve got a lot of nerve if you think I trust you.
Let me ask you the same thing.
Why did you bring me here?
Do you trust me too?
What if I do something to you?”
He suddenly laughed.
“Scary,” he said sarcastically.
“I know,” I replied as I scooped another spoonful of bingsu.
“What if I kiss you?”
My eyes widened, and I immediately turned to look at him.
I was still biting on the spoon and hadn’t even swallowed the strawberry yet.
“You won’t,” I said boldly as I lowered the spoon.
“Why?” He frowned.
“How can you be so sure?”
I stared him straight in the eyes despite the distance between us and raised an eyebrow.
“Want to play Truth or Dare?” he asked with a grin.
I glanced at Luna again to see her reaction to the story.
“We laughed, talked, played a game.
I lost… and then… boom.
One thing led to another—”
“What?!” Luna exclaimed.
“Damn it, Ke!
I don’t understand!
Why?!
I never thought this would happen!”
“Neither did I!” I shouted back.
“But I wasn’t myself that night, okay?!”
“Then who was it?!” she asked in confusion.
“I don’t know!” I yelled.
“But at least she was free!”
She froze and stared at me, suddenly at a loss for words.
Her eyes filled with worry after hearing that.
I looked away from her.
“Yes… I used someone to forget.
I know it was wrong… You don’t have to tell me,” I said quietly.
I already knew what she was thinking.
“That’s not what I’m thinking,” she replied, shaking her head.
“Honestly… just get some rest.”
“Let’s not talk about this anymore, okay?” I said before she left my room.
“I already regret what happened.
It won’t happen again, and I’m never going to see that guy again anyway.”
I shouldn’t have done that… I had just opened the door to another disaster in my life.
Ciandrei Kyle.