I hummed, staring at my reflection. I had decided to wear one of my usual t-shirts today, but something felt wrong about it. Physically, not mentally. They were too plain to be gendered.
“Come in!” I shouted upon hearing a knock on the door.
Andrew opened the door, holding a plate with his hand. “Mom asked me to bring this to you. Where should I put it?”
My eyes went back to the mirror. “Uh, anywhere is fine. Thanks.”
A simple turn had displaced the collar to one side, nearly reaching my shoulder. I groaned and pulled the clothing up.
“Vera, what the hell!?” My brother yelled, turning around. “At least wait for me to leave!”
“Sorry!” I blurted, quickly pulling it back down. The spell mocked me in the process.
He shook his head and shut the door behind him.
I examined my reflection once more, assessing the changes. It was hard not to notice them now. Masculine had never been a word to describe me in the past, but the previous androgyny was also starting to disappear. I paid attention now.
My face was softer and my arms thinner. My waist was narrowing while my hips widened. More importantly, my boobs were obvious under the t-shirt, even with the bralette.
Neither change was big enough to matter on its own. Combined, however, it wasn’t hard to see why the sales lady treated me the way she did.
I guess holding a bunch of bras didn’t help my case.
More importantly, that happened two days prior, and the spell had activated several times since then.
I sighed and threw the offending piece of clothing onto my bed and browsed some of the new pieces. My eyes quickly landed on the blouse, then on a hoodie.
No one will know.
I grabbed the blouse and put it on, smiling as I looked at my reflection. Unlike my t-shirt, it fit me perfectly. Perhaps even better than before.
It was a shame that nobody else would see it.
After putting on the chosen hoodie, I grabbed my breakfast and ate as I browsed on my computer. My new routine allowed for me some time to spare, and I decided to use it to find out what my future looked like.
Among the search results, one in particular caught my eye. A trans forum. I clicked on the link, and I was welcomed by a myriad of posts of all sorts. Some were… naughtier, while others were very informative.
One such post listed a bunch of resources, with the main one being a website that explained what gender dysphoria was, as well as the changes transgender people could expect should they decide to get hormonal treatments.
Reading through the main article, I found out that I could relate to several of the examples of gender dysphoria. I teared up at the realisation that many of the feelings I once saw as things to overcome were, in fact, just signs of me being trans.
All that pain; all those insecurities. They weren’t something most people just ignored. They just didn’t experience it.
The spell activated then. It wasn’t the original chills nor the warmth that I started feeling later on. Yet, somehow, I still knew that’s what it was. This was deeper, though. Hard to describe.
It felt good.
The sound of Dad’s car leaving the driveway was my cue to stop for now. I turned my computer off and I went to the bathroom to wash my face.
As I finished and was about to leave, a small object caught my attention. A black tube, about as thick as a marker. I grabbed it and unscrewed the lid, revealing a little brush covered in a dark gooey liquid.
Mom had probably left it here by mistake.
I screwed it back on and left it where I found it before walking away.
My hand stopped at the handle.
Maybe just a bit…
My hand trembled as I withdrew the brush and lifted it to my eye. I carefully brushed once and stared at the result. A smile and a wave of warmth came in return.
I repeated the process with the other side, my smile widening as I placed the tube back in place and admired my new look. I could see why Mom liked it.
Knocking on the door startled me, almost making me scream in the process.
“Vera?” Mom called from the other side. “Andrew is leaving in five minutes. Just letting you know in case you want to go with him.”
My eyes darted back to the mirror.
“I’ll be right there!” I responded, turning on the faucet.
I splashed my eyes with water, but nothing happened. The makeup stayed in place. My hands went to the soap dispenser. I closed my eyes and washed my face with it. The foam was only slightly darker. Nothing changed on my reflection.
Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, fuck!
Why isn’t it coming off?!
“Vera?” Mom called again.
“Just a moment!” I yelled, tears flowing at this point.
Isn’t it supposed to dilute with just tears?
“Are you okay?” she insisted. “Sweetie, please open the door.”
I did. I had no choice. “It’s not coming off…”
“What isn’t—pfft”
“This isn’t funny!” I whined. “How am I supposed to go to school looking like this?”
Mom walked past me and opened one of the cabinets. She grabbed a small bottle and a tin with cotton pads and offered them to me. “Waterproof mascara won’t come off with just soap,” she explained. “You need micellar water for that.”
I took them both, drawing one of the pads out and pouring the liquid into it. I brought the pad to my eye and brushed my eyelashes with it, finally removing the makeup.
I breathed a sigh of relief.
“If you wanted makeup, you could’ve just asked,” Mom commented. No teasing, just a fact.
I shook my head. “I was just curious, is all.”
“Okay.” Mom smiled and hugged me. “Now hurry up, Andrew is still waiting downstairs.”
---<>----------<>----------<>---
After what happened last night, I was half expecting Ryan not to be there this morning.
“Morning, Ryan,” Andrew greeted with a fist bump.
“Hey, Andrew,” he responded, though his eyes lingered on me. “Uh, hi, Vera,” he said with a wave.
“Hi,” I mirrored the gesture.
Andrew looked at us and grinned. “I’ll go ahead then.”
“Hey! It’s not—We don’t—”
He picked up the pace, disappearing into the distance.
“Andrew!” I roared. Giving up on that, I sighed and addressed my friend. “I’m sorry for… you know… that. And uh, the kiss too… I shouldn’t have done that.”
“It’s not like I hated it,” he muttered, fidgeting. “But I, well… I don’t know. I think I need some time to think about stuff.”
The rest of the walk went quietly, though we still sat together for homeroom. It was awkward, and I kept glancing at him. I couldn’t not think about him.
Lunchtime came, and Ryan disappeared on me. I hoped to see him at our table, but Sable was the only one present.
“Hiya, Mike!” she said as I walked to her.
I cringed at the nickname. While I’d always hated Michael, Mike always felt safe. Yet, here I was now, equally repulsed by it. That hatred seemed to increase with each day. It was as if every time someone called me Vera, it took away a chunk of my tolerance to my deadnames, as Mom called them.
“Hey,” I responded with barely a wave.
I sat in front of her and dug at the mashed potatoes on my tray.
Sable grimaced at my reaction. “So, you don’t need to answer this, but… Did you and Ryan have a fight?”
“Huh?”
“I noticed you were both acting strange earlier. Yesterday, too. Like, I know we just met and all, but his reaction to your suggestion was… a bit aggressive?”
I didn’t answer. I didn’t know what to say. I took a sip of juice, hoping that it would maybe get the words going.
“I just wanted to say that, well, I kinda went through something similar with my ex and—”
Juice instantly shot through my nose, landing directly on my hoodie.
“Mike, are you okay?” Sable got up from her seat and rushed my way, knocking my tray in the process and adding its contents to the stain on my clothes.
We both froze.
“Mike, I’m so sorry. I—”
Laughter took over me in an instant. It was impossible for me not to laugh at how ridiculously fast things went to hell. Even Sable chuckled a bit as she desperately tried to wipe the food away from the hoodie. New chapters come out on g.com first.
“Don’t worry, Sable,” I said once I regained some composure. “I didn’t have a fight with Ryan. We just… Well I… I did something that probably made him very uncomfortable. He told me he needed some time to think about things.”
“I’m so glad!” she said, holding a hand to her chest. “Wait! No! I mean… For a moment I thought I had something to do with it.”
I shook my head.
“Good. Then I hope he can figure things out soon. Having said that, we still have that,” she pointed at the stain on my clothes, “to deal with.”
“Oh, this?” I laughed. “Don’t worry about it, I don’t mind a little stain.”
“That,” Sable said, still pointing at the mess, “is not little. And those are fish sticks. Do you have any idea of how bad that will smell in an hour?”
She was right.
I knew she was.
I had no choice, though.
“Give it to me,” Sable ordered, presenting her hand. “I’ll make sure it’s good as new by tomorrow.”
It is new…
I sat in silence, staring at the stain.
“Please, let me do this for you.”
I shook my head. “I can’t!”
“Why?” she asked, arms crossed.
I opened my mouth, but nothing came out. Her stance broke instantly.
“Hey, shh.” She placed a hand on my back. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you cry.”
I looked around briefly. People were beginning to notice us.
“What happened here?” Andrew nearly snarled. His eyes focused on the stain.
“I’m so sorry!” Sable insisted. “I didn’t mean to. I… I was just trying to help!”
Sable turned around and ran.
My body moved before I could process it. The next moment, I was chasing after her.
“Sable, wait!” I called, reaching out to her.
She kept running.
“Sable, I’m sorry!”
She stopped. “I just wanted to cheer you up,” she muttered, still facing the other way.
I looked down at my hoodie. At what it hid underneath.
Why did I wear this today…
I closed my eyes and sighed.
Because it felt good.
“I know,” I finally said. “I was scared of what people would think if I took this off.”
“What?” Sable asked, turning around.
My eyes scanned the hallway. Once I was sure we were alone, I took a deep breath and pulled at the hem, pausing for a moment before fully taking it off.
“You’re a girl?”
“Yeah,” I responded. “I mean, kinda. I’m not—I’m trans.”
Sable stared at me, the gears spinning in her head, followed by a single, “Oh.”