Nichole
What the fuck.
What the
fuck
.
Kathy and Rashmi. Dating each other. Why? How?
Since when?
It can’t have been long, that’s for sure. We were pretty much joined at the hip for so long, there’s no way I wouldn’t have noticed if this happened before our big falling-out over the summer. Was Kathy actually cheating on me back when I thought we were starting to figure things out together?
If so, it would go a long way to explain how she could possibly just be
fine
with Rashmi’s cheating on Rupali, but I just don’t get it. Why drop it on me
now
of all times? Why not when we were arguing yesterday, or any time before that?
And what about Desdemona? She was all over Rashmi the whole time, did
she
know about this and just not tell me? How long has the entire rest of the apartment been conspiring to keep this whole thing from me?
I thought they’d at least care enough about me not to lie to my face while doing this behind my back!
Fuck. It’s getting hard to see what I’m doing as I try to turn my computer on. I need a distraction, and I need it
fast,
and—
System update. Of course.
This is so fucked. Rashmi has to know this isn’t okay, right? She must think she can just get away with everything because she’s hot. And Katherine…
Who knows why Katherine is doing this. I don’t know why Katherine does anything. I’m not even sure she knows, either. All I know for sure is she’s supposed to be doing her capricious, inexplicable shit with
me
. I’m the only one equipped to handle her, the only one who stuck with her when we were kids, she’s
my
inexplicable weirdo.
Rashmi could never understand our bond. If her bullshit hadn’t gotten in the way, if Rashmi wasn’t there to be a heinous fucking enabler for every crackpot idea Kathy cooks up, we would’ve been cuddling on the couch watching anime right now! But no!
Finish the fucking system update already, I need
something
to take my mind off this.
We were so close to getting it right. Why? Why
now
? Why did Rashmi have to waltz in and ruin everything here, too? Kathy is so, so capable of convincing herself of bad ideas when she wants to, but she’s not
stupid
, not really. She’s studying quantum physics, for fuck’s sake! Without Rashmi as another stupid fucking safety net to dampen the consequences of living out the server bullshit full-time, Kathy would’ve easily arrived at the right conclusion.
It’s always Rashmi fucking everything up. I hope seeing me with Rupali fucking kills her.
I’m supposed to be having lunch with Rupali in an hour—I’ll have to update her on how badly this went. I was prepared for them to get upset, but not
this
.
Eventually, the fossil of a desktop PC I haven’t had the money to upgrade since I moved out from my parents’ place pulls through. It finishes installing the pointless updates I never asked for. I need to change operating systems already, but it’s so much work. I always used to put it off until Kathy would eventually roll her eyes and do it for me, but we haven’t really been on such casual terms for a while, and the two-timing jezebel in my apartment has ensured that we won’t be anytime soon.
Wait, what the fuck is going on with my Accord notifications? I’ve never been pinged so much over the course of a single night. Baffled, I navigate to my private messages.
Isaacahedron
NICHOLE
Isaacahedron
WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING?
CHECK ACCORD IMMEDIATELY
Isaacahedron
We need to have a serious talk about your priorities here.
You can’t be occupied with meaningless offline bullshit when the server needs you.
This goes for your deranged partner too, for that matter.
So, I guess Emmy’s having some kind of episode. Sucks for her, but I’m really not in the mood to respond to whatever this is about. Any message sent at two in the morning is, as far as I’m concerned, fair game for me to ignore until I want to deal with it. I scan the rest of my DMs instead.
Katherine
Nichole, please answer me. We can still seal the rift that has been torn between us if we simply talk about it!
Wow, Kathy from last night, did you really think that? Did you? I heard you, going off to ‘suck face’ with Rashmi.
I’m not even going to look at the rest of her messages. It’s too painful.
StopTomboyErasure
Hey dude I’m really struggling right now, like. Please tell me I’m a real man on estrogen and not secretly a trans woman? I don’t want to be a tranny, please tell me I’m not like them.
No. I am not shoving my face into this person’s problems. I’ve got enough of my own, I can’t take on someone else’s on top.
Might as well deal with Emmy, then.
Estrogen’s Favorite Princess
Ok hi?
Estrogen’s Favorite Princess
Chill the fuck out? I was at a party?
Isaacahedron
Oh, you were at a party? Never mind then! Such matters are
far
more important than
more money than you will ever earn through any other means
, of course! Can’t let a mere million dollars get in the way of festivities!
Isaacahedron
One question though. Are you fucking stupid? Are you an idiot? I should know if you’re an idiot, so I can account for it when I do the work of
laying out your entire strategy to win this thing for you, dipshit
.
Estrogen’s Favorite Princess
Girl. I was gone for
one fucking night
. Wtf is your actual problem?
Who the fuck does Emmy think she is, speaking to me like that? I’m tempted to just say “fuck the million dollars” and quit right here, but unfortunately, I don’t think it’d even help me get Emmy off my ass, given that I’m her precious fucking medical mystery or whatever.
Also, it’s a lot of money to just give up out of spite. Especially when, I hate to admit, the competition is the only thing going right in my life at the moment.
Isaacahedron
Oh, no problems here, princess. I’m doing AMAZING. I’m set to WIN this whole thing now, in fact! Which is all the more reason why you need to be listening to me, because I, out of all people in this entire server, am the first one set to actually make it through to victory. Me. And I am imparting that wisdom to you, my
apprentice
, because I have deigned to take an interest in your potential.
Isaacahedron
Potential I am not going to let you
fucking squander
.
Estrogen’s Favorite Princess
YOU are? Did something happen to Laura??
Isaacahedron
Did something
fucking happen?
Yeah something happened to Laura. Which part of “check Accord” did I not communicate clearly enough??
Estrogen’s Favorite Princess
Ok I’m checking now, calm the fuck down.
Is it misogynistic if I say she’s being hysterical, even though she adamantly insists she’s not a woman? Actually, scratch that,
I don’t care
. She’s being fucking hysterical. Nothing in the server can be that bad.
Though I admit, I’m a little anxious about why I have 99 pings from it.
Wait, no. That’s a plus sign. It caps out at 99? I didn’t know there was a cap, and I didn’t know it was that high, but also, what the hell happened? Surely no conversation would require mentioning
me
, by name, a
hundred
times since last night? It has to be a bunch of server-wide pings. I know I get a sizable chunk of attention there at times, but this is ridiculous.
It’s definitely not just me being pinged. Both because it seems implausible, and because if they were all me, I wouldn’t dare to click the server icon. It’s not me. It’s everyone in the server, and maybe a few reactions to my picture or something. There’s nothing dangerous in there.
Here goes.
Jormungandr in my Pants
Look. We’ve been over this. Liking DVFP is not by itself cause to call tribunals, and so I am free to post Ylva/Ronja fanart without one of you shits badgering me about it.
Jormungandr in my Pants
I’m a man who’s into lesbians, you know we’re a thing, get real.
Heir of Breast
Ok stfu. Ylva and Ronja are men. You’re posting porn of gay men who just happened to be forced to turn into succubi.
Jormungandr in my Pants
Sounds like Laura defender cope ngl. How about you go orbit @
Estrogen’s Favorite Princess
now like a good little drone, stay out of my yuri, and stop using it as a proxy for relitigating Impenehedron sexuality discourse? It’s dead. Get over it.
This is what Emmy so desperately wants me to see? I don’t really have any strong opinions on this story, nor do I understand why half the trans girls on my socials are suddenly obsessed with it. It’s an absurd premise executed with a degree of competence, funny at times, but certainly nothing special. More to the point though, I’m in no mood to engage in media critique right now.
Estrogen’s Favorite Princess
Girl is getting my take on DVFP really that urgent
Isaacahedron
CHECK ANY OTHER CHANNEL THAN MEDIA-DISCUSSION, DIPSHIT
Estrogen’s Favorite Princess
Yeah ok fuck you too I’ve had a long night.
The river of bullshit flows relentlessly today. I really don’t want to wade into whatever mess the server’s cooked up now, but Emmy’s obviously not going to stop hounding me until I do. General, then.
Manliest Valkyrie Alive
@Estrogen’s Favorite Princess
The longer you stay silent on this issue the more sus it gets, girl. You can’t get away from this by just feigning ignorance.
There’s that looming sense of dread again. It’s been a while since I’ve tensed up from witnessing some incomprehensible nonsense in the server, but with a sinking feeling in my stomach I accept that a lot of those mentions are, in fact, addressed to me specifically.
Bench Press Meta 2025
@Estrogen’s Favorite Princess
is a HUGE Lauracel, we all know it, she’s 100% hiding to avoid taking responsibility for enabling the worst scandal in this server’s entire history.
It just keeps going. More and more messages like this.
Death Knight of Degendering
I plead with you all, be reasonable. How was
@Estrogen’s Favorite Princess
to know that the Impenetrable One was a deceiver?
Eg Har Jævlig Store Puppar Fyfaen
Dude quit being such a white knight she’s probably been laughing at you with Laura in the high rank group chat all this time. They’re all looking down their noses at us.
I have never even once spoken to Laura. Where’s all this shit coming from?
BigTittyFemboy
It’s fucking over, look, I even spotted
@Estrogen’s Favorite Princess
hanging out with known DQ agitator Brisket Enjoyer at the GSA ball last night. For those not in the know, Brisket Enjoyer AKA Tahani is like a radical misandrist who even forcefemmed a trans man.
Blackguard of Boobies
These allegations are stretching the bounds of reason. Please sequester this nonsensical fanfiction to the same realm as “SephiChole drama was faked for clout.”
BigTittyFemboy
Stay coping,
cuntgirl
. Your idol has been completely fucking penetrated, the entire house of cards you built on top of Laura is crashing down. The only good thing she ever did for this server was concede.
Horrified by the realization that some of these people do in fact go outside, I’m still struggling to parse what I’m reading. I have to check the rankings, which might tell me what’s going on. I open the relevant pinned post and scroll. Right at the top of the all-time rankings, Emmy is listed as ‘isaacahedron’, now surrounded by white names. Trickster’s Tatas, right below, has yet to be overtaken by anyone other than Laura or Emmy even after months away from the competition. Meanwhile Laura, Queen of RCBG, occupying the spot at the very peak of the charts, is now marked as disqualified.
I can’t believe it.
Estrogen’s Favorite Princess
LAURA CONCEDED??
Isaacahedron
In the
worst way possible
, yes! No need to thank me for covering your ass against the multiple tribunal calls against
you
in the fallout, by the way!
Isaacahedron
Your shot at the prize is secure because
I
was online when you were busy doing what, exactly? Getting wasted and squabbling with Boymoder Sephiroth?
Isaacahedron
Rhetorical. Don’t clarify what you were doing with her. I don’t care that you sucked each other off or whatever.
Estrogen’s Favorite Princess
Excuse me?
Isaacahedron
I have eyes in many places, and you chose a location without walls.
Estrogen’s Favorite Princess
Excuse YOU??
Isaacahedron
Look. Bottom line is I need the two of you to
not
do any bullshit that jeopardizes either of you partaking. You’re an important data point on winning strategies, and
she
is an important data point on the magnitude of the femme strat boost in the absence of any other scoring.
Estrogen’s Favorite Princess
Hey, that’s uncalled for, she’s got at least a handful.
I know it’s a pointless thing to get hung up on, but I’m still kind of offended on Kathy’s behalf.
If Kathy was with me right now, we could’ve pushed back on Emmy’s bullshit together. She could’ve come up with some baffling, archaic insult to back me up, for example. Fuck, I genuinely miss Katherine. She’s just a single room away, but she may as well be on a different
planet
, sucking face with Rashmi. I miss her so much it
burns
.
Isaacahedron
Your subjective assessment is irrelevant. NTBV measures
volume
, not hand feel. More importantly: Can you
cooperate
with her?
Estrogen’s Favorite Princess
Haha. Lol. Lmao.
Estrogen’s Favorite Princess
You’ll be pleased to know that’s pretty much entirely off the table.
Isaacahedron
What did you do now
Estrogen’s Favorite Princess
Well she got together with our roommate, and I got together with our roommate’s fiancé to get back at them, and right now we’re not on speaking terms.
Isaacahedron
Right. Not to be an asshole, but that is the most idiotic sequence of words I have ever had the misfortune of subjecting my eyes to.
Isaacahedron
Given your clear inability to act in a way that serves any useful purpose whatsoever, I am withdrawing your unsupervised participation privileges for the time being.
Estrogen’s Favorite Princess
Emmy what the fuck do you mean by that?
Isaacahedron
Your apartment has a free room. I’m applying for it and ensuring that I get it.
Isaacahedron
Student housing admin will find that I’m the best candidate, and I will be assigned the room promptly.
Estrogen’s Favorite Princess
No the fuck you won’t. We have four rooms and four people. It’s full. There’s no room.
Isaacahedron
Your friends’ shenanigans recently excised a fellow competitor from your four-bedroom student accommodation, did they not?
Estrogen’s Favorite Princess
THIS IS NEWS TO ME? WHO?
Isaacahedron
Username “Number One Kyle Fan”, recent intel on real-life cover indicates that she goes by Mona at present. Ring a bell?
Estrogen’s Favorite Princess
Rings a bell that says “Emmy’s got bad intel.” She goes by Desi. It’s kind of an important part of the whole problem with her!
Isaacahedron
I will disregard this as outdated information on your part, as you have an established pattern of negligent inattentiveness, while I know the areolar circumference of everyone you live with. All the more reason why you will recognize my in-person involvement as the correct response to these circumstances.
Estrogen’s Favorite Princess
I do not recognize that.
Isaacahedron
That is a trivially solvable problem on your end. I will give you some time to think on it.
Isaacahedron
But word of advice? Understand the precarity of the situation you’re in. It’s obvious to me that you are trans–don’t bother denying it, I don’t give a shit–so we have a lot of work to do to prevent others from catching on. We’ll have to haul ass to invent a new framework to justify the efficacy of the fem strat without relying on tainted rhetoric associated with the Impostor, just to secure your continued participation.
Isaacahedron
So don’t fuck it up. I’m choosing to take a huge risk because of your aberrant status in the competition, so you should appreciate just how fucking lucky you are. When you have time, we will collaborate on drafting a proper announcement of your condemnation of Laura and her deceiving ways. We’re washing our hands clean of her, completely and entirely.
Estrogen’s Favorite Princess
I’m not posting your breakup announcement for you.
Isaacahedron
Correct, you are not, because we have not broken up. There was no genuine relationship
to
break up, only the simulacrum of one as part of a harebrained ploy to gain an edge in the competition.
Isaacahedron
The failings of this ploy are a lesson you could stand to learn from,
Nichole
. You will refrain from ridiculous dating mindgames, as they are an unnecessary distraction taking away from your singular, most important goal: Winning this fucking competition.
Estrogen’s Favorite Princess
Ok. One question, when was the last time you went outside?
Isaacahedron
You continue to operate under the falsehood that ‘outside’ is a separate world from the server.
Emmy continues to operate under the falsehood that I can’t just mute her. What an immensely tedious person to talk to, holy shit. You’d think she’d be happy about being in first place, but no, of course not.
Her advice for RCBG started dropping off in quality right around when she began crashing out about Laura, and it’s pretty obvious that this new escalation is just more Laura-oriented nonsense. For fuck’s sake, the way everyone goes on and on and on about her, you’d think Laura was the main character of the entire universe. She’s like an inescapable black hole warping the fabric of spacetime until every single thing ends up orbiting her gravitational center, to the point where I’m sitting here furious at her even though we’ve literally never interacted once!
Well, I for one am fucking tired of Laura the Inescapable. She’s just some girl on the internet, and she doesn’t even seem like a particularly likeable one. Emmy should just get over her stupid ex and stop acting like a lunatic over being dumped, so I can focus on the things that really matter. I need to free Kathy from the clutches of a flighty floozy who won’t appreciate her and will eventually just end up hurting and leaving her!
I also really need to stop thinking about whatever it is she’s doing with Rashmi, over on the other side of the apartment. I
swear
I can hear the bed in Rashmi’s room creaking. Am I imagining that? Am I actually losing my mind or did they run off to fuck each other immediately after talking to me?
Everything’s a fucking mess. My room’s a mess. There’s a pile of clothes on the floor that I just haven’t bothered picking up for weeks. I don’t even remember the last time I changed my bedsheets.
I thought getting on hormones was going to make it easier to be a functioning adult. I was hoping they’d just fix whatever the fuck is wrong with me, make me stop just coasting through life doing the bare minimum on autopilot, but no. They’re just making it so much harder to ignore all the tiny little dysfunctions, all the ways I still don’t have my shit together.
I shut down my PC. I can’t be here right now anyway. I keep fixating on the dust bunnies gathered up under my desk, thinking about how I need to vacuum, but with
those two
going at it next door I’m not going to start cleaning, of all things.
No, I need to get the hell out of this apartment. I fish my phone out, swiping away the seemingly endless number of accusatory notifications from Accord to get to my contacts list. It feels so intrusive just calling Rupali without even a warning text, but I need to hear a friendly voice right now and I can’t wait.
“Nichole? What’s up?”
Thank fuck, she picked up. “Hey, Rupali. Can we move lunch plans up to like, as soon as possible? The girls took the announcement pretty much as badly as they could have, in a way that’s
not
good for us, and there’s extra complications we need to plan around, on top.” I want to just spill out everything that happened in detail right now, but I can’t be sure they’re not listening.
“Right, yeah, we should talk in person, you sound like you’ve seen a ghost or something.” Rupali’s voice is so gentle and comforting. “The cozy place on campus, with the sandwiches?”
I do
not
want to get into why we can never go back to Dorothy’s café. “I’m not really feeling sandwiches.”
“Oh, okay. Coffee place, then?”
“Yeah. Coffee place.”
Tahani
There’s an evil presence breaching the sanctity of our home. Wait, no. Scratch that. If there was an evil presence breaching the sanctity of our home I’d invite it to also breach my holes, but the idea of letting Laura anywhere near me is genuinely revolting.
How is Bobbie just sitting there, talking to her like she’s a regular fucking person?
“Okay, but Laura.” Bobbie’s got this huge grin on hir face. “You have to tell me. How long did it take you to realize you’re a woman?”
Laura puts down her cinnamon bun, back straight. “I believe I’ve made it clear that I am not here to fuck around and make small talk. I’ve stated my intentions in plain terms; if you’re just going to waste my time with irrelevant questions then I’m forced to conclude that you’re of no use to me. Understand?”
Wow, Laura sucks in person. How surprising! Maybe if I just quietly get up, sneak on over to the door, I can get out of here without drawing too much attention to my departure.
“Oh, sorry Tahani! You’re welcome to sit with us too, you know!”
Bobbie. No. Don’t draw attention to me.
“I’m good. I wouldn’t want to waste the lady’s time!” I face Laura as I’m inching towards the exit. “I’ll let you two get on with it so Laura can have time to find a new way to cut girls off from transition care!”
Finger guns to punctuate my zinger, and I’ll just quickly step out the door so they can get on with their sloppy makeout business or whatever.
“Excuse me!?” Laura is out of her chair in an instant, closing the distance between us with remarkable speed, notably
not
getting on with business. “Is there something you’d like to say to my face?”
“Yeah, I’d like it to be further away, bitch.” I’m not going to be intimidated by Laura coming after me, so I stand my ground as she gets close. If she wants a fight–or should I say a ‘tribunal’?–she can have one.
“I see your insults are as lacking in substance as your contributions in class.” Laura’s teacher voice would be a lot more intimidating if we weren’t both standing up. It’s hard for her to look down on me when I’m almost a head taller.
“Well, now that I know what your praxis looks like, I’ll be sure to feed some girls to a pack of wolves before the next discussion,
teach
.” I stop short of literally spitting that last word into her face.
I won’t be attending those discussion sessions anytime soon, that’s for sure. Academic writing is a subject I’m perfectly capable of studying by myself, and knowing who’s been instructing us this whole time I’d rather not risk her influence worming its way into my own work.
Bobbie places hir perfect, perfect left hand on my shoulder, bafflingly risking infection by touching Laura with hir right. “I think we’re getting off on the wrong foot here. Let’s all sit down, take a deep breath, and find some common ground.”
I stare through the shapeshifter imitating my gxrlfriend, trying to decipher what it’s trying to gain by doing Laura apologia while wearing Bobbie’s face. “Sure! Let’s have a big laugh about all the girls she deliberately ejected from the competition without any regard for their continued access to necessary procedures! Ha ha! Too bad they couldn’t out-bullshit Laura the Irredeemable, those losers!”
Laura in turn writhes away from Bobbie’s grip, mercifully putting a bare minimum of distance between me and her. “I defeated my opponents at fair tribunals, with the consensus of my peers backing me! To single me out for your insipid scapegoating is a ridiculous, incompetent assessment of the server’s inner workings!”
“Girl. You
famously
warped that entire server’s culture around you! Don’t try to pretend you weren’t a driving force behind those inner workings you’re deferring to!” Guard break the appeal to authority, use the opening to land a killing blow: “Bobbie saw all the damage you did, zie was on that server just as long as you and never had to even
try
ejecting girls in need of healthcare!”
I punctuate my winning argument by pulling Bobbie towards me, wrapping my arm around hir midriff so it’s clear that not only is zie proof that Laura’s actions were pointless, but zie is also
mine
.
Not that I don’t share. Just not with Laura in particular.
Bobbie bites hir lower lip. “Girls, please—”
“Hah!” Laura scoffs. “You think that’s a moral win? The
Trickster
was just too insignificant in the wider scope of the competition to warrant a tribunal before that little Discursive Combat stunt! Unlike hir,
I
made an effort to change the culture of the server that worked to trans women’s advantage! When I entered the competition, trans women who so much as looked at the color pink would be hounded and ousted. I armed those same girls with means to defend themselves, and did more good for trans women in RCBG than either of you ever have!”
“And besides, regardless of what we think about her methods, it’s all in the past now!” Bobbie’s straining hir voice as zie speaks. “The server pits its participants against each other at the best of times, but we can unite against it!”
I turn to my sweet, naive, stupid dipshit partner. “And do what, exactly? What are you imagining that she’s going to help us out with, Bobbie?”
“Well, Laura commanded the attention of the server. She was able to enact great cultural shifts. She certainly doesn’t lack for charisma, or rhetorical flair…” Bobbie’s taking hir sweet time getting to the point. “She could, for instance, help us undo the culture of self-denial and repression which she created!”
I sigh. “She’s hot and it’s making you overlook that she’s not even sorry for what she did.”
“I
am
hot, and have nothing to be sorry for!” Laura volunteers to prove my point. “My opponents knew the terms of the competition when they signed up, got their free HRT, and all that was asked of them to remain in the server was to lay low. Squandering their chances was nobody’s fault but their own.”
“Girl. You
know
you’re spewing bullshit right now. I was in your classes when you talked about how systems of power coerce people into exploitative circumstances!” At least I have the advantage that Laura seems to believe I’m a fucking idiot, as she clearly doesn’t anticipate that I remember anything she’s taught.
“You think
is a power structure? Really?” Laura scoffs.
“Definitionally—girls depend on it for access to resources they couldn’t secure elsewhere! And you chose to be a cop in that system!”
Bobbie’s eyes dart between me and the monster. “Tahani, please, you’re—”
“Shush, Bobbie.” I’m actually seeing red. “Laura needs to get called out on her shit by someone who’s not an easy target for once.”
Laura scoffs. “Called out for what, exactly? Participating according to the rules of the competition, using my chance to defend myself under the same rules as everyone else?”
This slimy, evasive bitch just isn’t fucking getting it. “You got
trans girls
kicked out of a place that was offering them surgeries! Hair removal! Do you fucking understand that at all? The playing field was never even, you had an education they didn’t, and a safety net if you ever did lose!”
Laura steps forward, raising a finger to her chin and cracking an amused smile. “Hold on—
That’s
what you’re so angry about? Really? I really would’ve expected a more serious reason for this complete meltdown! So what if they missed out on a few treats? They can just go get those procedures elsewhere!”
Oh. I get it now.
Laura is actually tremendously fucking stupid.
She fundamentally, genuinely, isn’t capable of understanding the lives of people with less money than her. It didn’t even occur to her that other girls can’t just traipse off and ask daddy to book them a laser appointment. That’s how deeply out of touch this rich bitch is.
I used to think she actually had a modicum of empathy, at least based on what she taught me in class. She spoke to us so impassionately about third-gendering, and her genuine frustration at her department was obvious even when we were covering other topics. I’m starting to wonder, now, whether that was all just an intellectual exercise to her. Maybe she never actually saw the suffering of the people she claims to speak on behalf of. Maybe she’s always just been an insufferably smug prick whose only real concern is winning the fucking argument.
I shake my head slowly. “Do you really think everyone can just go get enormously expensive medical procedures
wherever
? I thought you might be aware, teach, that some people might have the rare affliction known as ‘poverty’. Maybe you’ve fucking read about it in a paper?” I roll my eyes at her. “Or, you know, they might have had transition care taken off their insurance plans recently, like what happened to me back in January!”
“And did you not benefit greatly from being able to obtain a three-year supply of hormones, then
leave,
having accessed what you needed?” Laura scowls, waving her hand dismissively.
“Because I was on blockers as a teen, dipshit! I don’t
need
hair removal or facial feminization surgery, because I’m
fucking lucky
, and I know I am!” Looming over Laura with as much of my height advantage as I can muster, I press the issue: “But teach, imagine if I
wasn’t
so lucky, if I actually, desperately
needed
surgeries, and got kicked out just when they were in reach. Are you sure all the girls you put through that are even
alive
?”
For just a second, I think I’ve actually got her. Laura squints, furrowing her brows as she takes in the question. Her mouth hangs open, and she stumbles backwards.
“Why wouldn’t they be?” She’s asking a question, but it’s delivered like an accusation.
“Come
on
, Laura. You can’t possibly be
that
dense. Clinics are shutting down, insurance companies are tightening their policies, not everyone has the infinite fucking money to travel abroad and get a 3D printed science fiction luxury pussy, as a fucking ‘
treat’
!”
She’s speechless. Completely at a loss for words. Sputtering, trying to come up with a comeback several times, before she finally chokes out something maddening. “How
dare
you invoke the suffering of trans women for this petty argument!”
I can’t help it. I burst out laughing. The sheer
gall
.
She has nothing. She has nothing, and I’m not letting her avoid culpability that easily.
“Because you chose to make it
worse
!” I fold my arms and glare at her. “Because you played a direct part in those trans women’s suffering, Laura the Impenitent, and I’m not going to forget or forgive that!”
I win, bitch. Hope it stings to realize what you’ve done.
Laura looks away and throws her hands up. “Okay, you know what? I’m done. This is nonsense. Suck my dick.”
“
How?
We were
just
talking about how you got rid of it, flaunting its removal in full view of the whole server! That was kind of a big deal!”
“Incurred at significant expenses out of my own pocket, thoroughly researched for the best results, an honorable way to lay down my sword so that it can fight on in Penis Valhalla!”
What. The fuck? “Is this all just a big dumb joke to you?”
She’s got a real shit-eating grin as she continues. “My mission for you, young student, is to brave the gateways to the underworld. You are to follow the tracks of the valkyries who whisked away the spirit of my honorable cock, for it awaits a thorough fellating in the afterlife!”
This is… pathetic.
“Okay. If you’re going to try to laugh this off, I’m out.” I turn around and head towards the exit. “Enjoy trying to fix her, Bobbie. I’m heading over to Ru!”
I grab my keys and take my leave, making sure the door slams hard enough to shake the walls. What an aggravating person to be around. I’ll have to make plans with Ru as I go. I
need
the breath of fresh air from hanging out with someone whose worst crimes are all just femslash fanfics with an iffy connection to the source material and some weird babygirling of the villains when they have enough sad backstory and pretty enough designs to start excusing the fascism.
“Tahani, wait!”
Well, if it isn’t the wet rag of a spineless butch I’m dating, running after me and undoing my perfectly executed door slam.
“Got something to say to me, Bobbie?” I let hir catch up to me, and whatever zie has to say next better be an apology.
“I understand why you despise Laura. I really, truly do. Her actions in the server were terrible, and she’ll have to work for a long time to even begin to compensate for the harm she has done.”
“Mhm?” I’m not accepting what zie has to say until I’m sure there’s no ‘but’ here.
“
And yet
, she is more useful if she’s on our side.” Bobbie’s desperate for me to see a point that doesn’t exist. “She remains an idol to many of the girls still trapped in the server, and if we work with her in the right way, Laura might be able to unravel the web of lies that she’s woven around them!”
“Is she
useful
, or are you shoehorning her into plans she doesn’t fit into so you can justify your obsession with her?”
There’s that blush again. “She has an unparalleled rhetorical ability to work crowds and an advanced understanding of academic gender studies!”
“AND? Tell me in your own words how she’s going to unfuck any of her mess, when she can’t even win over a girlfriend who, if I remember correctly,
literally
worshiped her like a goddess? She herself admits that she needs
our
help, not the other way around!”
Bobbie scratches the back of hir head. “Well, don’t we need a plurality of tactics?”
Yep, Bobbie has no idea. Zie’s actually got no plan here. Zie’s trying to justify why zie just
has
to spend time around a pretty girl with no remorse for her heinous actions, and it’s breaking my fucking heart to see hir throw away her fucking dignity over Laura’s crap yet again.
“Yeah, well, I need a plurality of coping mechanisms for this bullshit.” I’m actually shaking a bit. Why did Bobbie have to bring the actual incarnation of server nonsense into our home? “You know, if she wasn’t torn up about her ex or whatever, she’d still be kicking girls out of there. Laura does not regret a single thing she's done.”
Bobbie shrugs helplessly. “Laura is struggling to come to terms with it. Give her time.”
I step towards hir, stroking hir cheek with my hand. “Bobbie. Sweet, kind, forgiving Bobbie… We’re
all
struggling.” I let my hand fall. “She made a choice to make the struggle worse. Trust her as far as you can throw her, she’ll screw us over the
second
she thinks she’ll benefit.”
Having delivered my final piece of advice, knowing it likely won’t be heeded, I walk out the door. Bobbie can fuck this up on hir own, and I have to prepare myself to forgive and support hir when zie does.
“It’s me, Tahani!”
I announce my arrival and do a sick fucking slide into the empty chair across from Ru. She’s sitting at a table for four next to Nichole, the girl from her asshole fiancée’s apartment.
“Your favorite tranny!” I deliver my catchphrase with a bright smile and my signature finger guns.
The coffee shop is not particularly crowded for a lazy Saturday afternoon, and the two have claimed a nice corner table by the windows. A rustic, deliberately constructed atmosphere of artificial homeliness hangs over the whole place. The menu is written on blackboards above the counter, in colorful chalk, with a granular enough selection to impress someone who’s vaguely aware of the names of different beans, and yet woefully insufficient for anyone who’s genuinely
into
coffee.
Getting here by bus was as tedious as always. There’s no direct route from my place to this particular establishment. I’d have suggested somewhere else if Ru hadn’t already made plans with Nichole, but I guess Nichole is just a big deal these days.
“We know, Tahani, you don’t have to announce it to the whole place.” Nichole hunches down as she snaps at me. What’s her issue?
“Let her have her fun, Nicky.” Ru smiles at me as she leans back. “It’s good that you’re here. We need someone with some experience.”
“Hm? Oh.” I’d been hoping for Tahani’s Emotions Time, not White Woman Problems Hour. “Sure, I guess, but after I’ve bestowed my wisdom upon you two, you’ve got to listen to my polycule drama. Lunch is on Nichole!”
“Sure.” Nichole sighs, tapping the QR code for the menu. “Go ahead and order, I’ll bring you up to speed. It’s a bit of a long story.”
“You and probably also your girlfriend have undiagnosed autism and it’s a problem neither of you have researched.” I shorten the story significantly as I scroll through the menu. “It happens, go read up on some resources for it, problem solved.”
“Tahani, please. Nichole’s not autistic, she’s just a little awkward sometimes.” Ru leaps to her friend's defense with the same insight she once used to maintain her own heterosexuality. “Just get your order handled and brace yourself, it’s a lot.”
“Sure thing.” I get the biggest mocha on the menu and a ridiculously expensive salad with Tahani sauce—no,
tahini
sauce.
My
sauce is no longer available. In total, my order makes for a suitable payment for my services.
“Right.” Nichole’s eyes widen when she sees what she’s paying for, but doesn’t make a fuss about it. “So, Tahani. There’s this Accord server.”
No.
“It might be a bit hard to believe, but it’s like an underground sport with a lot of participants in this city.”
No
fucking
way.
“It presents itself as a competition for cis men to—”
“Shut the fuck up! You’re in RCBG too?!”
Without even realizing, I’ve slammed my palms into the table, almost standing up in the process. Nichole’s mouth is agape, and Ru’s looking at me with concern.
“Tahani, are
you
in that server?” Ru’s staring like her world is about to flip on its head.
There’s a lot of staring going around in this establishment right now. Snakebites girl with the laptop over in the other corner can mind her own business, for one.
“Nah.” I sit back down, and both of them breathe a long sigh of relief. “Went in for hormones, learned it was a total clusterfuck, got my stash and left. It’s the only way to deal with that place, in my view.”
I look Nichole dead in the eyes. “And
you
, if you’re involved with that hellhole, should get out immediately. You know you’re a girl, right? Not a mastermind manipulator succeeding in tricking everyone, just an
actual girl
?”
“Haha, yeah, totes.” The stilted, staccato way she says that is really selling the idea that she says ‘totes’ when she’s
not
nervous.
“Nichole’s not the problem.” Rupali sighs. “It’s her roommates. They’re all in the server.”
Wait, that means... “Even
that
asshole?”
“That bitch, yeah.” Nichole sounds almost as annoyed with her as I am. “She’s going by Rashmi now.”
“Good for her, I guess. She can be Rashmi all she wants, so long as she does it far away from me.” I shrug and turn my attention to our food arriving, a far more interesting subject than Rashmi will ever be.
Of
course
Nichole got a pumpkin spice latte. She toasts me with it. “Amen to that!”
“No revelations about her gender excuse the way she treated me either way.” I sip my coffee contemplatively. “If anyone deserves to transition in the mind prison of Ranked Competitive Breast Growth, then I’m happy that she’s the one. So what’s the issue?”
Ru’s frowning. She opens her mouth to say something, but Nichole beats her to it.
“She stole my girlfriend!” Nichole spits the words out through gritted teeth.
Oh wow, Nichole’s
seething
. I’d almost feel threatened by how she’s glowering at her coffee, if she wasn’t so squishy-looking. The loose-fitting soft pastel thing she’s wearing does a
lot
to disarm her, almost bringing her down to the same level of harmless soft girl Ru is on. Well, actually, Ru is a bit on the masc side today, wearing the stompy boots and jacket Kim and I helped her pick out. It’s honestly a great look for her. Ru and Nichole honestly do look like a cute little butchfemme couple together.
“The bigger issue is that she thinks she’s a guy,” Rupali says, patting Nichole’s arm. “Between the weird server culture stuff Nichole exposed me to and the nonsensical gender studies rationale being thrown around, no wonder Rashmi’s been such a mess. But I mean, it still kinda sucks that she cheated on me twice.”
I, of course, as the more complete and actualized queer person, having already finished resolving all my troubles of this nature, have a perfect solution for both of them. “So you’ve had the talk, right? Sit down with Repressor Asshole and Weird White Woman Two to discuss your polycule boundaries, rather than getting trapped in stifling monogamy that is clearly bad for both of them?”
“Tahani, you can’t just solve every problem by being poly.” Ru shakes her head and smiles, as if I’m not suggesting
the
solution here.
“Solved your problem with Kim pretty good from what I remember.” I wink and give Ru a thumb’s up, watching her blush while Nichole tilts her head to the side in her best impression of a human question mark.
“Yeah, I don’t think polyamory fixes the part where they think they’re men.” Nichole sails straight past the point as she stares out into the air.
“I hear you and want you to know that your yearning for a woman who loudly insists she’s not one is completely hecking valid.” I lay my hand gently on Nichole’s, really emphasizing how understanding and kind I am about her ill-advised (ask me how I know) feelings. “So enlighten me, besties. What have you two come up with to deal with the situation?”
Ru takes a deep breath in preparation to tell me she’s hurt but moving on, and taking the opportunity to explore her lesbianism after having given that asshole way too many chances. “Well, Nichole and I are pretending to be dating so Kathy and Rashmi will be jealous.”
Trusting that Ru would never be dumb enough to get involved in anything this nonsensical, I respond as calmly as I'm able. “Sorry, I’m not sure I heard that right?”
“We’re pretending to date each other so she can get Rashmi back and I can get Katherine back.” Nichole’s words also seem to get scrambled on the way from her mouth to my ears, arriving as a slurry of nonsense.
“Right.” I sit back and take a long, contemplative slurp of my coffee, loudly giving the both of them time to decide to apologize for the weird prank and recognize that it’s landing poorly. “I’m prescribing some time to lay off the romcoms, or wherever you got this from.”
“It was my idea.” Nichole says this with a hint of deeply undeserved smugness to her.
“Good to know who I’m sending back to the drawing board. Ru, are you two for real?”
Ru isn’t, of course, because Ru is
reasonable
. Nichole clearly has some server residue on her–and is still a bit stuck in early-hormones madness–but Ru is a
grown cis woman
who should
know better than this shit
.
“We’re serious, Tahani. It’s the best way to shock both Rashmi and Katherine out of the hole they’re in, by showing them that sinking too deep into the server is pushing away the people who care about them!”
God fucking damnit. Ru’s already practiced how to deliver her justification for this, so she’ll be ready to double down when challenged on it, but I
have
to try.
“Okay! Why, though? Why even give a shit about Rashmi’s hole!?” I catch myself raising my voice again, frustration with the complete bullshit I’m hearing getting the best of me. What the
fuck
does she mean, serious about pretending to date Nichole? It’s so blatantly, deeply unserious, plainly driven at least in part by a failure to resist Nichole’s basic-ass hotness.
“Because I want Rashmi back, Tahani! I want to knock some sense into her so she can realize she’s a woman, and so we can be together!” Ru leans in, eyes wide, the desperate yearning visible from miles away.
I really, truly hoped she was done with this shit! Ru’s inexplicable obsession with her arranged marriage seemed to finally be loosening its grip on her just earlier this week!
“You can have any other girl you want, Ru! You already have Kim, remember?” The same Kim who helped with Ru’s lesbian awakening. Kim who, it must be emphasized, is not arranged to be in a
straight marriage
with Ru, and isn’t in denial about being a woman! Well, not anymore, anyway.
“It’s not the same!” Ru sits up straight. “Kim already has—I'm not—it's not an actual relationship, is it?”
“So what do you think it is, Ru? You think my girlfriend would just hook up with you and be done, like it didn’t mean anything? Did it ever occur to you that she might actually, genuinely like you at all?”
I know she does, of course. Kim’s been pining for Ru pretty much since they met, and after their first night together she was over the fucking moon. It’s killing me that I might have to tell her that Ru’s regressed so much she’s willing to just throw a perfectly good thing away.
“Well, we’ve had some nice times together, but I didn’t realize that meant I was expected to be formally inducted into her polycule!” Ru scowls at me, as if I’m the one acting unreasonable here.
“Would a legally binding contract without your choice in the matter have clarified things? Or, let’s go in the other direction, why not make it a
real
fake relationship like what you’re doing with Nichole, instead?”
Nichole pipes up, sounding like she’s just correcting a misunderstanding on my end: “No, see, it’s because when it’s
me
she’s dating, we—”
“Shush, Nichole.” My scolding lands perfectly, and Nichole retreats into her phone, hopefully
not
to take in brain poison from the server.
Ru sighs. “Tahani, please just listen. I want to make things work with Rashmi, and we’re trying to get her and Katherine out of the competition.”
It’s always about Rashmi, making things work with Rashmi, forgiving Rashmi, for fucking ever. Rashmi treats me like she’ll catch tranny disease and is complicit in ostracizing my whole family, Ru tells me I just have to understand, because Rashmi is under so much pressure. Rashmi’s emotionally distant and a shitty girlfriend playing the role of shitty boyfriend, Ru just tries to be a better girlfriend to compensate. Rashmi cheats on Ru,
again
, and we all have to forgive her for everything because surprise, she was actually struggling with being trans all along!
I want to leave so badly. I want to just blow up in both their faces and walk out the door already. Too many people I care about are being naively forgiving to people who don’t deserve it.
Including… me? I’m sitting here listening to Ru piss all over her whole lesbian awakening for her arranged marriage to an ungrateful trash fire. Where’s my limit for bullshit from Ru? Do I have a limit, for the girl who always stayed with me when nobody else did?
“
Fine
, but I’m on the record saying this is stupid, and you’re both on thin ice.” I stab some bits of my salad with my fork, a little too hard, before continuing. “Seems like a lot of effort for just some girls, though. I mean, Rashmi was hardly Prince Charming before, and I highly doubt she transformed into an actual goddess overnight.”
Yup. The forgiving dipshit call is coming from inside the house now.
“I mean…” Nichole’s breaching the terms of my clearly announced ‘shush’, glancing side to side as she makes some gestures with her hands that convey no literal meaning, yet still say a bit too much. “In terms of like. Conventional beauty standards. You know—”
“Ru, your fake-girlfriend thinks your arranged-straight-marriage girlhusband is hot.” I smirk a little, teasing my bestie about her ridiculous circumstances. “You’ve gotta watch out, lots of lesbian homewreckers out there waiting for a chance to steal the hetwives of innocent young ladies like yourself—”
“Tahani, shut the fuck up.”
Huh?
I’m pretty used to Ru gently telling me to hit the brakes on a bit that’s gone overboard, but this… isn’t that. Ru always knows I’m just being a little shit for the hell of it. Ru has always been
safe
in that way, someone I know I don’t have to watch myself around, someone I can just run my mouth with. Except for right now. Now there’s an edge of genuine frustration, an anger I’ve never really gotten from her before, and it stings even harder because it’s
her
.
Rupali glares at me, her lips curled upwards as she speaks. “You’ve been sniping at me this whole conversation as if you know best about everything all the time. Stop it. You don’t own me.”
I can’t believe she just said that to me. “Yeah, I don’t own you, because
nobody should own you
, girliepop! That’s the point!”
“Let it go, Tahani. Like it or not, Nichole and I will be going through with our plan no matter what you think about how we’re doing it or
why
we’re doing it.”
“Okay, sure, sorry for intruding! Enjoy getting back together with the woman who was destined to be your
husband
! I’m sure the wedding will be beautiful, you can wear matching sarees in straight pride colours to placate the family!” My heart is racing, my hands are shaking. Why can’t Ru just see sense? “Too bad I can’t go, though! Both your families cut me off, after all!”
“Would it make you happy if I ended up like you, Tahani? Do you want me and Rashmi ousted as well?” Ru slams her palm into the table. “Unlike you, neither me or her can expect support from our parents, you know!”
Did she just fucking go there? Is she fucking serious right now?
“You mean my mom who lost everything for supporting me? That mom, Ru? The one your family treated like a monster just for divorcing my shitheap of a dad, and then excommunicated entirely when she didn’t ship me off to conversion camp?!”
“Yes, Tahani.” Ru is speaking through gritted teeth. “The mom who actually supported you. The mom who stood by your side because you’re her daughter. You know what
my
mom will do, if she catches wind of all this? She’ll have me institutionalized, Tahani. I know what she thinks, and I know she won’t understand. I have to live with that reality every waking moment, and
you
should know better than to judge me for that! You’re not the only one here with real problems, Tahani!”
I’m at a loss for words. I can’t handle this right now. Ru’s always had my back, so why is she doing this to me all of a sudden, when she knows I’d be there for her if the worst came to pass? Why can’t she just trust me?
“Girl—”
“So you’ll have to excuse me for wanting to make the best of things with the one person I’m
allowed
to be with. Maybe consider that I’m not stupid for wanting that, or a bad person, or somehow betraying
you
by trying to make this work! You don’t get to fucking judge me for that!” Rupali stands up, tugging at Nichole. “We’re leaving. Enjoy the rest of your lunch, Tahani.”
Nichole seems as surprised by this as I am, fumbling and almost dropping her phone as she rushes to get on her feet. In the confused mess that follows, Ru practically drags her away by one hand as Nichole looks at me with… sympathy? Confusion?
Despite my better judgment, I call after them. “Wait, Rupali, I’m sorry, please—!”
Ru doesn’t even turn to look at me. She just stomps straight out of the door, taking Nichole with her.
She’s gone.
She’s gone, and I’m alone with my stupid fucking salad that doesn’t even taste all that good. We didn’t get a chance to talk about how my partner is getting involved with the queen bitch of the server, because Ru was too busy with some other bitches from the server. My coffee’s gone cold, and it tasted like lukewarm garbage to begin with. The salad's getting soggy, and my appetite’s dead anyway. I’ll eat up to avoid wasting food, but I’m not enjoying it.
Am I cursed? Am I just never allowed to leave anything behind, even though everyone else gets to abandon me when I’m inconvenient to be around?
The snakebites girl over in the corner needs to mind her own fucking business, too. Fuck you girl, why are you staring at me like that? How about I stare right back at you? We’re in a staring contest now, you and me and your stupid piercings. That’s right. Fuck right off back to your laptop.
I’m throwing out what’s left of the salad. I’m not hungry, I don’t want to be here anymore, I don’t even know how long I’ve been stewing in my seat alone at this point. Just walk on over to the trash and dump it all out. Just like Ru dumped me in the trash, which is what I
am
, I guess.
Fuck it. Fuck her. I don’t need Ru, I don’t need Bobbie, I’ll cut my losses, drop out, see if I can get Kim along with me and move to another country or something. Get as far away from Ranked Competitive Breast Growth as possible, no idiot trans girls thinking they’re men, no racist GSAs fucking everything up, just me and Kim and whatever butches we can find in the new place.
Yeah, this is a perfect idea. I’ll reward myself with some dessert, even. Pop right back in my seat and see what’s on the menu. I’m in the mood for an entire tub of ice cream, or like an overcomplicated cake, just anything with enough sugar to drown out all these feelings.
Sigh. The menu’s failing to live up to expectations on this front. Single vegan brownie slice for too much money, artisanal ice cream flavored like pineapple licorice, pistachio tiramisu? What the hell?
Brownie slice it is, I guess. They can’t possibly fuck up something as simple as that, right?
Just gotta lean back and relax a bit while I wait.
Yup.
It’s chill time for Tahani.
The place is still borderline empty, dead quiet just barely interrupted by the soft tapping of snakebite girl’s stupid fingers on her keyboard.
All the more reason why there’s no excuse for my single slice of cake to be taking this fucking long!
Nothing is going right today. Can’t even have a little treat without some shit getting in the way. Well, I’m not going to cry over something as stupid as an overworked barista taking too long to bake me a cake. I refuse. I’m not going to do that. I’m overruling my eyeballs’ decision to get wet. Stop.
Fine, no more chill time. I’m texting Kim.
Brisket Enjoyer
Kim?
Brisket Enjoyer
Are you there? I need to talk.
Brisket Enjoyer
Please Kim, I’m having a really bad time right now, Ru’s mad at me, Bobbie’s lost hir mind, it’s like my whole life is unraveling in front of me. I feel like I’m about to have a panic attack or something, and I really, really need someone to tell me it’s going to be okay right now!
No response. Not even a ‘seen’. Nothing.
Brisket Enjoyer
Pick up your phone Kim! :’(
Brisket Enjoyer
Please check your phone?
Proof that my girlfriend is slower than even the glacial service of this establishment is thrust upon my table, as the brownie arrives coated in some kind of berry jam. The flavor is incredibly bitter, its sourness matching the chocolate as well as a rabid hippo matches a museum of precious antiques.
Brisket Enjoyer
Please respond please respond please respond.
Brisket Enjoyer
Ok fine. Be like that. Nobody cares about Tahani anyway. I’ll just go fuck myself, I guess.
Brisket Enjoyer
If you’re busy getting back together with Quinn or some shit like that you should just rip the band aid off already instead of leaving me hanging. It’s fine. I’ve already had everyone else in my life lose their minds today, may as well!
Don’t call me Kimmy
Tahani? What’s going on?
Don’t call me Kimmy
I’m so sorry, I got caught up sketching and didn’t check my phone. Are you hurt? What happened?
Brisket Enjoyer
Physically unhurt but I had a huge fight with Ru and I need someone who’s not going to blow up in my face right now. You’re not going to yell at me, right? You’re not going to abandon me? ?
Don’t call me Kimmy
Never, love. Stay where you are, I’ll be there ASAP to pick you up.
I want to cry. Kim is so good, the one good thing I can genuinely count on today. I want to just go straight home, curl up in her arms and pretend there’s no world outside of her embrace for a while. No stupid server worming its way into the psyches of people who aren’t even in it, just Kim.
Except, of course, someone’s already here to put more trouble on my plate.
“Tahani! Fancy seeing you here.”
There is a man looming over me, for reasons I have to assume are
extremely
important as otherwise he should know not to dare approach me. The most ‘some dude’-looking guy in existence, with his most notable trait being a well-maintained blond mustache framed by his solid, nicely groomed beard. He’s clad in shorts and a GSA t-shirt, defying the autumn chill to display a revolutionary slogan: “Trans women are women. Trans men are men. Nonbinary people are valid.”
“Oh. Hi, Alex. It’s me, Tahani, everyone’s least favorite tranny.”
“Rough day, huh?” Alex gives a stilted, awkward smile. “Mind if I grab a seat?”
“Yeah, whatever. I don’t own the chairs.”
He settles down across from me, having the good sense to respect my personal space. What does he want, exactly? Why’s he staring so intently?
“Sorry, there’s more important stuff to talk about, but I have to ask. Are those…
plush cars
velcroed to your hoodie?”
Shit, I’m wearing my car ear hoodie in public? I was in such a hurry to leave earlier, I forgot to change out of it.
“Hah, yeah, it’s pretty cool right?” It’s not cool. It’s an incredibly weird article of clothing I own purely out of fascination with what must’ve been a typo in manufacturing at some stage, but I’m not telling Alex that. I’m owning it. I’m the girl in the pink car ear hoodie.
Alex laughs, with me rather than at me, I think. “Yeah, it’s iconic. Anyway, is Bobbie around somewhere? I’ve been trying to get a hold of hir all day, and zie’s just not answering.”
Of course it’s about Bobbie.
“Busy with Laura the Insufferable, yeah.” I shrug. “Bobbie’s got this amazing idea that Laura’s going to be useful for
the business
, you see.”
“Might be on to something there, actually.” Alex’s tacit approval of Bobbie’s deranged behavior makes me stifle a groan. “We’ve got a huge opportunity handed to us, you see. Wendy’s stepping down from the GSA.”
“Huh?” This is sort of out of nowhere. Wendy, the org’s president, hasn’t held the position anywhere close to a full term. “Did she get cancelled online or something? What’s the deal?”
Alex shakes his head. “Quinn pinned the mismanagement of the drag ball on her. Xe’s pushing for an election as soon as possible, and the writing on the wall is that xe’ll be running unopposed, pretty much guaranteed to be the next president.”
“Great! Amazing! Just such incredibly amazing news to hear, Alex. I was just wondering how Quinn’s been doing, given how much I
love
hearing about xer shenanigans at the GSA. While we’re at it, mind showing me some footage of adorable puppies being fed into a meat grinder?”
Taken aback by my outburst, Alex stutters for a bit before responding. “Right, sorry, should’ve considered it’s a sensitive subject for you. Really, I’m—”
“Get to the point, dude. I’m not involved with the GSA anymore, remember? You were there when it happened. Why are you even bringing this up with me?” I lean back in my seat, daring Alex to try to make this shit my problem.
“I understand that. Sorry. I’m really not trying to involve you, I just need to get Bobbie involved here, ASAP.” He’s so awkward in conflict, if I was in the mood to fuck with him more I could bat him around like a cat playing with a ball of yarn.
“Fine, fine. I’m heading home soon anyway, I guess you can tag along if it’s
so
important.” I roll my eyes. “Just beware that Bobbie’s thinking with hir dick right now, so whatever plan you’re trying to cook, you’ll have to do the intellectual heavy lifting to avoid this somehow becoming about Laura again.”
Alex chuckles a little. At least
someone
appreciates my hilarious commentary. “Well, I’m sure zie wouldn’t want to waste our chance here. It’s a huge opportunity, after all.”
“Sure, dude. An opportunity for
what
?”
“Isn’t it obvious? We run our own candidate, and take over the GSA!”
Yep.
I’m definitely cursed.