She Xiao was only in shock for a while, but he soon returned to normal with no outward sign of anything out of the ordinary.
In the end, Lin Xigu was more tense than She Xiao was as he continued to scrutinize She Xiao’s behaviour for the rest of the night. By the time they were getting ready for bed, he was still unable to completely relax.
“She Xiao?” He stepped out of the shower and peered at She Xiao, asking carefully, “Can I turn off the lights?”
She Xiao didn’t answer as he reached over the nightstand and pressed the switch. The room plunged into darkness.
“Come here,” he heard She Xiao say.
Lin Xigu crawled under the blankets and was immediately pulled against She Xiao’s chest. She Xiao touched his hair and said, “Still damp.”
“It’s dry enough,” Lin Xigu said with a smile. “I’m too lazy to use the blow dryer. I’m not washing my hair again tomorrow night. I have to shower in the morning anyway. It’d be too much to wash it twice in one day.”
“Mn,” She Xiao tightened his arms around him, agreeing. “Don’t do it.”
They hadn’t drawn the curtains before getting in bed. The moonlight stole in through the window so that after their eyes had adjusted to the dark, a faint trace of light remained visible. In a room that was dim but not pitch black, Lin Xigu’s eyes seemed especially bright.
She Xiao kissed his eyelids, Lin Xigu’s eyelashes trembling against his lips. “How did your eyes come to be so big?”
“I take after my dad,” Lin Xigu tittered. “Don’t you think he’s got big eyes too? He can be a little scary when he glares… a bit intimidating. When I was little, he used to scare the kid who lived next door, made him cry every time he widened his eyes and glared. Then Dad would pick him up and try to make him laugh. He was annoying like that.”
Stroking his hair, She Xiao said, “Mn.”
“I don’t think I’ve ever shown you my baby photos before? I was ridiculously cute as a child. I was even made into a nianhua![1] The studio even made my picture part of its window display.”
Lin Xigu intentionally steered the conversation toward lighter topics, chattering nonstop out of worry that She Xiao was still dwelling on the man they had seen earlier. “It was a huge poster that they printed and hung up. Who wouldn’t stop in their tracks to get an extra look at me? I was the most angelic-looking child.”
She Xiao chuckled soundlessly and kissed him again.
“I know you’re good-looking now, but if you’d compared us as kids, I would have definitely been the cuter one. Children with big eyes are always cuter, and your eyes aren’t as big as mine.”
Lin Xigu pulled his hands free and lightly tapped on She Xiao’s eyelids, then smiled, continuing, “But your eyelashes are longer. And I was a wild child. I spent all my time playing outdoors, so I was always sunburnt from head to toe every summer.”
She Xiao caught his wandering hands and stuffed them back under the covers, rubbing the spot between his thumb and forefinger.
“I’ll show you pictures when we go to Dad’s house this weekend. He called earlier today and invited you over for a crab boil. If we don’t go now, we’ll have missed our chance for the year; crab season’s almost over.” Lin Xigu wormed his hands under She Xiao’s pajamas and passed them over his waist, giving his stomach a light scratch.
“Sounds good,” She Xiao deposited another kiss on the crown of his head. “Sleep now.”
Truthfully, Lin Xigu had been drowsy for a while, but he was too anxious to sleep. Concern was still eating at him; She Xiao’s lips had been completely colourless in the hours after the encounter.
“I don’t want to sleep just yet. Let’s keep talking,” Lin Xigu’s hand stumbled across another scar on She Xiao’s side. He absent-mindedly drew rings around its edges with his finger.
She Xiao laughed out loud, seizing his finger. “Tickles.”
Lin Xigu started laughing too.
In the end, he couldn’t stave off the tiredness and drifted off, still murmuring insensible sentences as he hovered between sleep and wakefulness. She Xiao kissed his ear, “Sleep, baby boy.”
His words were so sweet that even though Lin Xigu–drowsy as he was–couldn’t muster a response, their warmth lingered through the rest of the night and seeped into his dreams.
The next day, She Xiao appeared calm, as if nothing had happened. Lin Xigu breathed a sigh of relief. Parking in the company lot, he said, “No need to pick me up too early tonight. I’ll probably have to work overtime.”
They parted ways—Lin Xigu to work, and She Xiao to the library. Around noon, Lin Xigu sent She Xiao a picture of his lunch, and She Xiao responded with a photo of his own: he was having coffee on the main floor of the library.
Lin Xigu sent back a smiling emoji and said,
Jiayou!
She Xiao replied with his usual two “3”s.
Lin Xigu locked his screen, intending to get back to work, but his thoughts drifted back to the man from last night. He sat back, fidgeting with an unknowing frown, before sitting up and typing She Xiao’s grandfather’s name into the search bar.
There were plenty of big names in that family, but his name was always the first that came to mind. In truth, She Xiao’s grandfather had retired long ago, but She Xiao’s uncles and other relatives still held prominent positions throughout society.
Lin Xigu hadn’t paid attention to their affairs in years, nor did he have any desire to.
Jumping from link to link, he looked up a few more names. The man they had seen last night was the first cousin of She Xiao’s father and had recently been promoted.
The resemblance was uncanny.
Lin Xigu closed the browser, deciding not to dig further. He knew he didn’t have to be so vigilant. Many years had passed already without any hint of trouble, and no one had tried to sabotage She Xiao’s early parole. The unspoken agreement between them still remained intact. They didn’t even live in the same city anymore; the chances of running into each other were slim.
Still, seeing someone connected to that past unsettled him. It wasn’t fear—there was nothing to be afraid of anymore, just as he had told She Xiao—but the only thing that still worried him was how She Xiao himself was handling it.
That night, as expected, Lin Xigu stayed late at the office. By the time he finished, the sky had already gone dark. After bidding his colleagues goodbye, he pulled on his coat and hurried downstairs, where She Xiao stood leaning against the car.
“When did you get here? Why aren’t you waiting inside the car?” Lin Xigu asked.
She Xiao replied, “I’ve been sitting all day. Thought I’d stand for a bit.”
“Ah, your hair…” Lin Xigu looked at him and couldn’t hold back a laugh. “You cut it again?”
When She Xiao had first returned, his head had only been covered in a faint layer of stubble. It had grown out a little since then, and Lin Xigu had been wondering what kind of style he would end up going for, whether he would go back to wearing it the way it was before.
But now, seeing him up close, he realized She Xiao had buzzed it off again, leaving it only slightly longer than when he first came back.
She Xiao smiled faintly. “Just a habit by now.”
It was the kind of haircut most people wouldn’t dare try, but Lin Xigu thought it rather suited him. The stark simplicity of it only made She Xiao’s striking features stand out more, sharpening the icy detachment in his brows and gaze.
Even after they had been driving for a while, Lin Xigu kept sneaking glances at him. Eventually, She Xiao let out a chuckle and asked, “You keep looking at me. What is it?”
“Not intentionally,” Lin Xigu replied with a smile. “I’m not staring on purpose; I just can’t help myself.”
She Xiao was mesmerizing when he spoke with a smile in his eyes. Lin Xigu rubbed his nose and was about to add something else when his phone rang.
He glanced at the Caller ID then answered, chirping, “Hey, Ballet Grrrl.”
“Hey, you,” Li Balei said on the other end.
Lin Xigu leaned back against the headrest, stretching his arms. “Are you going home this weekend? Can you come over?”
“Not this weekend,” Li Balei said. “I’ve made plans already for this week. I’m going out for dinner with my uni friends.” Get faster updates on g.com.
“Let’s find time to hang out. It’s been forever since we did something outside of the house.” Lin Xigu thought for a moment, then asked, “How about next week?”
“No problem,” Li Balei agreed unhesitantly. Then, after a short pause, she lowered her voice and asked, “So how’ve you been feeling recently? Everything stable?”
“Mn. I’m doing well.”
“I just ran into that xuezhang[2] of mine, Dr. Jin. He was asking about you. He said to give him a call when you have time.”
“Okay,” Lin Xigu’s fingers fidgeted with the ridges in the weave of his seatbelt. “I’m honestly in a really good place right now. Don’t worry about me.”
“Believe me, I can tell,” Li Balei laughed. “Spamming my feed day in and day out. You’re letting it go to your head.”
Lin Xigu tossed his head back and laughed along, exchanging a few more words with her before hanging up.
He had turned down the volume on his phone while taking the call, but the car had been almost completely silent, and although the sound from the receiver had been faint, it wasn’t entirely impossible to overhear, which made him feel slightly antsy.
Lin Xigu glanced at She Xiao. He was still focused on the road, eyes looking straight ahead with no discernible expression on his face.
Feeling relieved, Lin Xigu asked, “What should we eat tonight?”
“You decide,” She Xiao replied.
“Then let’s go home and I’ll make something,” Lin Xigu fiddled with his ear. “I don’t have work tomorrow…”
She Xiao said nothing to that.
Lin Xigu stole a glance at him and pressed his lips together before continuing, “So that means… we won’t have to get up early.”
She Xiao still didn’t respond, and Lin Xigu felt that he was doing it on purpose. He obviously knew what Lin Xigu was getting at but refused to acknowledge it unless he explicitly spelled it out. Wetting his lips, Lin Xigu opened his mouth to speak again when She Xiao suddenly pulled the car over and killed the engine.
The abruptness made Lin Xigu lurch forward against his seatbelt.
“…What’s wrong?” Lin Xigu asked.
With one arm draped over the steering wheel, She Xiao turned and fixed Lin Xigu with a look.
Lin Xigu felt slightly panicked by his stare and averted his gaze.
She Xiao’s eyes were drilling into him. “What’s going on with you?”
“Nothing…” Lin Xigu looked out the window, still picking at his seatbelt.
She Xiao didn’t say anything after that as the car lapsed into uncomfortable silence. She Xiao lowered his window, taking out a pack of cigarettes from who-knows-where and lit one.
She Xiao hadn’t smoked since he returned; it was Lin Xigu’s first time seeing him with a cigarette as he leaned out the window, facing away from him. From where he sat, Lin Xigu could see, nestled behind She Xiao’s ear, a scar, and a little red mole.
[1] 年画 – “New Year’s Painting”, a traditional form of Chinese folk art that is typically displayed during the Spring Festival, or Chinese New Year. Originated in the Han dynasty, further developed during the Tang and Song dynasties, and popularized in the Ming and Qing dynasties, these paintings often feature auspicious symbols, deities, mythological figures, or scenes of prosperity and happiness, meant to bring good fortune for the coming year. They are usually printed or painted on woodblocks, paper, or silk and are commonly found in homes as festive decorations.
[2] 学长 – Lit. “study” or “school” + “senior”. Form of address for senior schoolmates or upperclassmen. Male form of xuejie.