I couldn’t do it. I just couldn’t. Considering the circumstances, trying to pretend that today was a normal day and that I could still act like a functioning human being was a fool’s errand, but I tried it anyway, just to prove how incapable I was. I made it through breakfast and all the way to the lab before the breakdown started. Over the course of the next couple of hours I put up a token resistance, but it was obvious from the beginning that my mind wasn’t up to it. I was slow, irritable, impatient. Even the most basic things escaped my mind entirely, leading to barely-suppressed emotional breakdowns.
I made it two hours before the professor decided to have a one-on-one talk. Suffice to say that it was… embarrassing. He gave a speech about acceptable bounds of behavior, then seemed to soften as he was met with nothing but silence and a forlorn expression.
“You know you can always talk to me if something’s the matter,” he said.
“Of course.”
His mustache twitched into a frown. “Is everything alright with your… condition? Are you going to be able to keep working here?”
“Of course I will!” I snapped. I balled up my fists and dug my nails into my palms to force myself to restrain my anger. “Today is… not a good day. Tomorrow might not be either. I’m sorry, Professor.”
He gave me a day off, despite my protests. There was no way I was going to be able to get to sleep early, especially with my stimulants still in full force, so the only thing a day off gave me was more time to ponder the fact that I was almost certainly letting all my friends and allies be killed horribly in another dimension. That and deal with Yasmin sticking her nose where it didn’t belong. I didn’t go home immediately.
Instead I wandered, or tried to. I hadn’t really had a chance to experience Chicago since my return, what with the hospital stay and the persistent disability and struggling to keep up with lab work and all of that. So I picked a direction and started walking; the area around U of C was one of those college town kind of places where there’s actually a decent number of shops at street level and everywhere has sidewalks. Almost reminded me of the city streets on Selene, albeit cleaner.
The downside was that on Selene I could keep walking for hours, whereas on Earth I couldn’t make it forty-five minutes without feeling like I was going to die. My feet hurt from sheer overuse, my legs hurt from unidentifiable nerve pain, my arm was sore from leaning on my crutch to make up for the weakness in my legs. It felt like I’d jogged ten miles doing one-armed bicep crunches the entire time, and I was forced to admit that I couldn’t push any harder. I found a restaurant that was open and, seeing as I wasn’t hungry, forced myself to order and choke down a salad while I recovered. Once I was done I called a cab and prepared for what I was going to have to deal with once I got back to the apartment.
And sure enough, Yasmin was concerned. Because of course she was, and of course this had all happened on the one day of the week where she didn’t have any classes and could focus on her work-from-home job. My outburst that morning had had some effect, so she wasn’t verbally asking me if anything was wrong or what have you, but I could see it in her eyes, in the way she moved around me as though I might shatter. The help was appreciated, but…
“You’re not Abby,” I muttered to myself.
“Excuse me?”
I rolled my eyes. “Abby. My sister. Basically raised me when I was younger, on account of my parents didn’t give a shit. You aren’t her, and I’d really appreciate if you stopped acting like you were.”
Yasmin blinked at me. “I asked if you needed me to carry your laundry into your room! Because you have damaged legs and you look like you’re about to collapse any time you’re about to move!”
I shrugged, which hurt. “If I need your help, I’ll ask. Didn’t I just tell you earlier to not do this?”
I thought for a second that that would be the end of it. Yasmin turned away, sighing silently.
“I don’t get you,” she said. “You know my mom’s got a damaged leg, too? I understand how much it sucks to not be able to… to do everything that you’re supposed to be able to. But you worry me sometimes. Just this morning I saw you looking like you were about to jump off the balcony and you insisted it was nothing. You have everything going for you, but it just seems like you’ve… stopped caring. I don’t know what’s going on with you, so forgive me if I revert to some bad patterns.”
Something happened in me when she said all that. Stupid, smart, angry, hopeful, it was impossible to describe. Maybe it was both, maybe I was pissed off and willing to try something ridiculous.
“Yeah, when I was in my coma, I was actually having some Narnia shit happen to me in another dimension with robot spiders and stuff. I’m pissed off all the time because every time I wake up here, I’m not waking up there. So yeah.”
There was a second where I thought Yasmin was actually going to buy it. She turned around, face scrunched up in a look of absolute confusion. Maybe if I’d said the right thing or made the right expression I could have convinced her. But as it was, she rolled her eyes and sighed.
“It’s your turn to make dinner, by the way,” she said, before wandering back to her office.
I collapsed into bed early that day, tired but unable to sleep. Partly that was because I was in immense pain, between the aftereffects of my attempt at freedom and all of the other work I’d had to do once I’d gotten home. But it was also for fear of what I’d find on the other side. Would I reawaken on Selene in multiple pieces? Would I find myself intact, but Ikamja and all of the other prisoners dead before me, Tersine gloating over their bodies? I tossed and turned for over an hour, unable to get my heart to stop. I ended up taking a double dose of melatonin just to force myself to doze off; I’d regret it the next time I woke up on Earth, but I sure didn’t give a fuck about that.
The one thing that I hadn’t expected was that I would awaken somewhere completely unfamiliar. Even if I’d found myself in Tersine’s personal lab or quarters or whatever she had on the airship, it would be a scenario I’d been in before; but the place I found myself in as my eyes flickered open looked like… an army camp? I was inside a large tent, the size that could hold maybe eight or ten people if they were packed in tight. This one, though, was apparently meant to hold six judging by the number of hammocks, all of which aside from mine were empty. Scattered around the corners of the tent were various supplies used for travel: soap, medicines in bottles, lanterns and spare oil, and so on and so forth. I was walking over to examine those for hints about where I was when the tent-flap opened and much more conclusive proof walked in.
“Emma? You’re awake!”
I turned, though I already recognized the voice. Sure enough, standing in the entrance of the tent, having traded out her doctor’s coat for a set of loose khaki clothes and a long cloak, was Dr. Amina Charcharias. Tears welled up in my eyes as I rushed over to her; it had been more than half a year since the last time I’d seen her.
“Oh my god, oh my god it’s you, you’re back, I thought I’d never see you again…” I sobbed as I wrapped my hands around her, totally heedless of the bad blood there had been last time we spoke.
“Glad to have you back as well,” Amina said, tentatively wrapping her arms around my shoulders. “Are you… okay? You were out cold when we found you, we couldn’t get you to wake up.”
“I’m fine, I’m fine. I’m just glad to…” I let go of Charcharias, looking up at her with a sudden and urgent need. “Where’s Laura?”
“Last I heard she was worrying about you. Let go of me and I’ll show you around.”
I let go. “Where are we, anyway? And how did I get here? Last thing I remember I was on a Cassandran airship…”
I pushed past Charcharias and into the open air beyond. The sunlight blinded me for a moment, but as my vision returned I was able to properly take in my surroundings. We were in the middle of a fortress. That was the only way I could describe it, a fortress. At the edges there were heavy cannons aimed outward, protecting key locations in the huge earthen rampart wall. Wide streets followed a mathematical grid pattern, allowing easy passage between blocks of structures. Dozens of canvas roofs extended off into the distance, travelled by hundreds of soldiers in blue uniforms. Bluerose soldiers.
“Welcome to the Bluerose Desolation Expeditionary Camp. Bee-Deck, the soldiers call it.”
I whirled around, one word in particular having caught my attention. “We’re in the Desolation? How?”
By way of an answer, Charcharias pointed off into the distance. “There’s a river. Flows from west to east, but it turns out that it’s not an insurmountable distance by boat, even having to go around the southern cape.”
I kept looking around and around, turning my head this way and that until I was at risk of making myself dizzy. Somehow it took me a few seconds to catch on to the largest single object in the entire fortress: the airship. Once I stopped and actually focused on it, I recognized it immediately as the smaller “reinforcement” airship that had been approaching the one Ikamja and I had been held on.
“That’s… that’s a Cassandran airship. How?”
“Turns out, naval guns beat aerial guns,” Amina said. “One good shot took it down. The army girls repaired it, staffed it with their own, and there you have it.”
“I guess that explains how I got here, then. Did you rescue Ikamja, too?”
“Who?”
It was a genuine question of confusion. Not a sliver of recognition crossed Amina’s face, and that scared me.
“Ikamja, the leader of the stonewose that I was with. She was helping me lead a prison revolt when I lost consciousness. Please tell me she’s alright.”
Amina frowned, her hairless face creasing with concentration. “This is the same stonewose you made a deal with back on Urcos? She was on the airship with you?”
I nodded. “It’s a bit of a long story.”
“We didn’t see her. There were too many of them for anything more than a quick raid, but we found you and got you out of there.”
I swore. Everything Ikamja had done for me, all that we’d survived together, and I’d lost her.
After giving me a minute to work out my anger, Amina asked, “Do you want to go to Laura?”
I couldn’t stay angry; I needed Laura like I needed water. Amina turned around on her heel and gestured for me to follow. While we crossed the fortress, I did my best to explain what had happened to me, how I’d become divided between two worlds. Amina didn’t have a single idea how any of that was possible, but I needed her to know anyway. Maybe she could fix it.
And then there we were, near the center of the fort, right up against the bank of the narrow, swift-flowing river. One large structure had been marked out for use by Lady Halflance and her personal entourage, which included Laura. As soon as I realized where we were, I rushed inside.
The main room of the compound was wide open, a grand hall in miniature, probably used for meals, visitors, and planning sessions. Lady Halflance was there, off in the corner, having a private talk with the Blackbird. But my attention wasn’t on her, nor on Anna and Unity sweeping the floors, nor even on Amina rushing to catch up with me.
Laura was there, sitting at the main table with her head down. I shouted her name, jolting her awake just as I crashed into her, wrapping my arms around her and pulling her upright so that I could shower her in kisses. It was after the fifth or sixth that she realized who I was.
“You’re awake…” she muttered.
“Yeah…”
And that was it for coherent conversation between the two of us, because six months of separation had completely destroyed all sense of propriety. It was a minor miracle that I maintained enough presence of mind to not try pulling down Laura’s pants. Even still, it took several rounds of throat-clearing from Lady Halflance before we stopped.
“Nice to see you again, too, I guess.”
Lady Halflance rolled her eyes. “Laura demanded private quarters. She can show you to them. Try not to be loud.”
And so she did, and we weren’t. Nothing quite like seven months of not knowing if you’re ever going to see someone again to make the sex really, really good. And the cuddling after. And the second round. And the…
You get the idea.
In the end, it was a combination of Laura’s fragile mortal limits and my own desperate need for a glass of water that drove me back out into the remainder of the building. While I was resting, Halflance took the time to fill me in on exactly what this was. The BDEC was, in essence, a continuation and expansion of the first attempt to find and bring down Tersine, expanded both due to the pressures of the war, as well as Tersine’s own ability to draw upon Cassandran military assets. The fight between her and us had struck a curious balance: the Bluerosers had a home-field advantage, which meant we could bring in much more in the way of supplies and womanpower. The Cassandrans, meanwhile, had their airships, which gave a significant edge to what little they were able to slip through Bluerose territory.
At the moment, the BDEC was in a state of preparation, accumulating material and scouting the Desolation in preparation for a grand push. Tersine’s own base of operations was somewhere deep in the Desolation, and we needed to locate it and destroy it. The map to Primary Control was an important clue, seeing as it was Tersine’s objective, but archaeology was a distant second priority to stopping a major Cassandran operation.
“What can I do, then?”
“Nothing,” said Lady Halflance. “We wait. If you wish to aid with the buildup, feel free, but we are not going in half-cocked, the military won’t allow it after the disaster in Grantval.”
“Alright,” I said. “I’ll… do what I can. I actually do have a few ideas, there were some things that happened while I was away that I need to discuss with Dr. Charcharias.”
There was no point in arguing, especially seeing as Halflance wasn’t even in charge. The military officers who had control of the timetable weren’t going to be easily persuaded in anything, not by a total stranger. I stood up from the dinner table, stretching my joints; I’d been sitting down for longer than I’d realized. As I stood, Halflance spoke.
“I am glad to have you back,” she said. “Sincerely. The world in which you died in that damned mine was… an inferior one.”
I turned, blinking furiously as I made sure I’d heard her right. When was the last time I’d heard Lady Halflance say something so sentimental? “Thank you,” I replied.
I gave Laura a kiss, informing her that I’d probably be with Amina for the rest of the day. She complained about that, obviously. I asked her if she would like to listen to the two of us talk about electromagnetovitalics for some number of hours, and she rolled over, swore at me, then groped my ass while I was trying to leave. All in a days’ work for Parker Laura Halflance.
Amina herself was working with several other doctors in the huge medical bay, which at that point was mostly for treating sunburn and the occasional incident involving venomous wildlife. Still, to my great relief, she had convinced someone to let her bring all of her laboratory equipment with her; some of it must have had medical applications, I guess. She was treating someone who’d stepped on a spider or a scorpion or something, so I waited until she was done before calling her over.
The excitement of me not being dead had worn off, allowing Amina to remember how I’d screwed her out of the one throughline to potentially keeping her alive. Well, I hadn’t been the one to do it, but I’d relayed the news, which she took just as well.
All that to say that Amina wasn’t perfectly happy to see me. She folded her arms across her chest and said, “What do you want, Emma?”
“Well, there was one other thing that happened since the last time we were able to talk,” I explained. “I was so excited earlier that I didn’t think to mention it. How much do you know about the stonewose curse? And what would it mean if there was a way to cure it?”