I can tell immediately, from the shift in her expression as she takes in my reaction, that there is no point in lying.
My shoulders sag. “How do you even know about Sunshine Girl?”
“Drew told me,” she says, her tone sober. “He really likes your poetry. Why didn’t you tell me you’re a professional?”
My hands are tight around the smoothie glass. “It’s not something I advertise.”
“But why? I mean, Drew clearly loves it, so why wouldn’t everybody else—”
“Drew doesn’t know I’m Sunshine Girl!” I interrupt her. My mouth is dry, and there’s a knot at the back of my throat that I can’t seem to swallow.
“Oh.” Sinéad’s face goes slack, and her hands, which she had raised in her animated speech, sink into her lap. Her eyes get a faraway look as she stares down at them.
“That’s why I didn’t tell you. It’s a secret. Nobody’s supposed to know.”
“But he—”
“I only found out he even knows about my poetry last weekend, after I fell into the pool. He only told me then. And I don’t care that he likes the poems! I don’t want to be the face behind those poems. They’re… the kind of private thing you don’t share with people you know in real life.”
Her lips go thin as she presses them together and swallows. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable by bringing it up.”
“No, it’s—” I roll my jaw. I’m overreacting, aren’t I? “It’s fine. Just don’t tell anybody, please? About Sunshine Girl or that I write poetry.”
“Of course,” she says, giving a jerky nod. Her gaze is heavy on me. Like she’s looking right past my eyes and into my thoughts. Reading there. Seeing things, understanding feelings I haven’t even understood myself yet. It’s deeply uncomfortable, and still, I watch, waiting for her verdict.
But then she tilts her head and asks, “What college are you going to again? I must’ve forgotten…”
“Statehaven,” I say shortly, confused at the sudden change of topic. “Why?”
She creases her brow. “Isn’t that pretty far away? Aren’t you worried it might be difficult to keep up with people back home?”
“It’s the place that accepted me,” I say. “They gave me a full scholarship. I don’t want Mum to give up all her savings, just so I can go study.”
“With your grades and skills, couldn’t you have gotten a full ride at a closer college?”
“They were the only ones to offer.” Which is a blatant lie, but she can’t prove otherwise.
If she doesn’t believe me, she doesn’t go to the trouble of saying so. “Do you know what college Drew is going to go to? He refused to tell me whenever I asked. Said he was gonna tell me once he knew and that he didn’t want to get embarrassed over his ambitions.”
My pulse starts to slow a little. For some reason, she seems to have given up entirely on the topic of Sunshine Girl. Which is probably her being sensible, trying to pull me back into safer waters to make me comfortable.
“No, he never told me, either.” I asked him a few times, but he always said he wasn’t quite sure yet and he would tell me once he got in somewhere. I learned not to press him. It’s not like it’s any of my business, anyway. It won’t ever matter to me.
“Oh, okay,” she says, clearing her throat. For another moment, her eyes watch me in this unsettling way, then she blinks and cocks her head, and says brightly, “It’s my turn to write a poem again, isn’t it?”
The question hits me so far out of left field that for a long moment, I just stare. Suppressing the urge to try and shake the vertigo out of my head, I say, “Yeah, sure. Do you already have an idea?”
She glances at the sky, then claps her hands excitedly. “OH! I got something. But I’ll write it and then show it to you.”
Without waiting for my okay, she starts scribbling. By the time she sets down the pen, she’s beaming from ear to ear. “Okay, I think this could be something?”
Readjusting herself, she takes the notepad into her hands, holding it up a little so she can sit leaning back while reading it out.
“A smile blooming on a face
A mind full of words
That paint artworks
In your mind.
I’m glad
To see your roots grasp this soil.”
***
The sun has set by the time I return home. It’s not quite dark yet, but shadows are growing longer by the minute, and street lanterns plunge my path in yellow twilight. Clouds cover the sky, and the air feels heavy and humid, despite cooling from earlier. The low chirping of cicadas is a constant white noise like the rustling of wind in the leaves as I walk up to my front door and unlock it.
Mum is in the living room, watching TV. I say hello and give her a short summary of the day. I hung out with Sinéad, it was fun, I already had dinner, and now I’m going up to my room. She gives me a sort of relieved smile when she hears that I had fun and tells me that there are still leftovers from dinner should I get hungry later.
With a “Good night!” I retreat to the hallway and ascend the stairs. I don’t turn on the lights. There’s something comforting about the dark of a summer night. I’ve never quite found a way to explain it, but it’s like the dark is softer. Not as pressing. Like a light blanket a friend wraps around you. In summer, I love to sit by my open window with the lights turned off before going to bed. It’s a seasonal evening ritual.
That’s why I don’t turn on the lights in my room, either. Instead, I drop my school bag by my desk and climb on top of it, opening the window as I draw my knees to my chest.
What a day.
I helped my new friend hatch a plan to get my best friend to fall for her and while we were at it, she casually uncovered my secret identity.
The fingers of my right hand tighten around my left shin. There’s no point getting hung up on it now. There’s nothing I can do about it but hope that Sinéad will be able to keep a secret. And if she can’t, well, it’s only another five weeks. I will live.
My attention is drawn by the sound of a door opening below. The movement sensor at the neighboring house turns on the light, and Drew emerges into the front yard. He’s already wearing swimming trunks with a T-shirt and crocs, a towel slung over his arm.
Soon, he will be together with Sinéad. Happy. In love. Soon, I will be gone. If everything goes according to plan, he won’t even miss me.
In a rush, I jump from my desk and change into my own swimming trunks before grabbing a towel and running back downstairs. I catch up to Drew at the end of the street. He hears me coming and turns, waiting for me at the edge of the final streetlight.
“I wasn’t sure you were back yet, would’ve invited you along otherwise,” he says with a crooked grin. “How was your day?”
“It was good,” I say with a heavy exhale. “We made smoothies and studied together, then laid outside in the loungers for a while.” No way I’m going to tell him about the poems or anything else of substance.
“Some much needed rest, eh?”
I stifle laughter. “Oh, definitely.”
With a swift jump, I’m walking on the wall next to the street.
“I’m taller than you now,” I brag.
He gives a chuckle. “Whatever shall I do? My masculine ego can’t handle this.”
My gait turns to a skip as I hum contentedly. Drew has no trouble keeping up. On the contrary, my speed allows him to walk at his normal pace. He’s usually a lot faster than me but always slows down so I can keep up.
Crow’s feet form at the corners of his eyes as he watches me. “I am so going to miss this, once we’ve moved out,” he says. “Like, isn’t this what it’s all about? Having a good time with your friends? Going swimming at the lake in the middle of the night…”
I tilt my head back to look up at the dark clouds above us. I suppose he would be right under different circumstances. If I was a girl. If I had the courage to come out to everybody. If they were kind enough to accept me. This could be everything.
Suddenly, the urge to tell him is almost overwhelming. I could just do it. I could go, Hey, Drew, I’m trans. And while we’re already at it, I’m Sunshine Girl too. And then he would know, and I would find out what he thought about it. Five more weeks. Does that really change anything? I’ll be going either way.
We arrive at the end of the wall and I’m about to jump off, when Drew says, “Hop on!” stopping in front of me with his back turned and his arms lifted a little to the sides.
He used to piggyback me a lot when we were younger. We were almost the same height then, and still he would offer if I got tired from running around all day, or simply if he felt like it. He loved to show off his strength, then. Visit novelping.com for the full chapter.
I’m sure this’ll be even easier for him, now that he’s so much bigger than me.
I don’t bother asking whether he’s sure. I put my arms over his shoulders, clasping my hands together in front of his chest before doing a little jump and linking my feet in front of his stomach.
“I still can’t believe how light you are,” he says with a low laugh, walking on like I weigh nothing.
“Maybe you’re just strong,” I murmur into his ear. What I just said, and how the words sounded as they left my mouth, I only realize a second later. A shiver runs down my spine, and spreads from there throughout my whole body. Electricity runs through me from every point where his body touches mine. I’m keenly aware of the warmth of his skin that passes through the fabric of his T-shirt, the slow rise and fall of his chest and shoulders as he breathes, the rhythm of his steps. I think I even feel the beat of his heart.
This could be everything.
My face burns and it feels like my heart is a hamster wheel with the resident hamster running to break the sound barrier.
Fortunately, it doesn’t take long before we arrive at the lake. Drew is barely out of breath when he sets me down, immediately straightening and taking off his shirt. I deliberately look away.
I’ll be going either way.
I take off my shirt and shoes as well. The lake is completely abandoned at this hour, so I don’t feel particularly weird about revealing my body like this. Drew knows what I look like anyway.
If only he knew how to interpret what he sees correctly.
I hurry ahead, splashing into the water until it reaches up to my belly button. It’s a cool contrast against the humid air, and I don’t hesitate to drop and start swimming.
“Oh my God, I have been waiting for this all day.”
“Don’t tell me you haven’t been swimming before this?” I say, turning onto my back to make eye contact. He’s already swimming as well, so I won’t get… distracted.
“Believe it or not, there are people who have to study, even just to get passing grades,” he laughs.
We swim leisurely. Drew doesn’t seem to be in much of a hurry. But even so, we don’t talk. The only sounds are the distant rustling of the trees, our slow, regular breaths. Our swimming motions barely disturb the water surface.
A light wind picks up and cradles my wet face. It sends slight ripples through the water, and I feel them lap against my cheeks. But the water is calm enough that I can swim with my nose barely above the water.
When we arrive at the rocks, Drew is first to climb out of the water. He offers me a hand, and I take it, only to find myself caught in the static once again. I avert my eyes as I sit down, gazing out at the lights of the houses where we came from. In that direction, the sky is brighter.
“What do you think of Sinéad?” I ask in a low voice.
Drew adjusts himself against the rock at his back. “I think she’s cool?” he says, like it’s a question. “She’s a good friend. Nice, smart, funny. Why?” Laughter vibrates in his voice. “Got a crush on her?”
He’s such an unbelievable idiot.
But he will realize soon enough. He will see her, and she will be good for him. It’s for the best.
Later, when I return to my room, my hair still wet, I get out my notebook and once again sit on my desk by the window that I left open earlier. The sun has completely set, but the light from the streetlamp is enough to write by if I squint my eyes. It’s like the pen develops a life of its own at this time.
Like a flower underneath a cloudy sky,
I yearn for your warmth.
Like wind across the lake’s surface,
Your touch sends ripples through my skin.
A shiver runs through me, even though I’m not cold. With a strange feeling in my heart, I put away the notebook and crawl into bed.
I’ll be going either way.
***