“You’re sitting with us at lunch, right, Max?” Drew asks as we leave the classroom, joining the mass of students in the hallway. The noise around me is deafening. Laughing, screaming, conversations. Every few steps, we have to elbow our way past a group that has decided it’s an amazing idea to stop for a chat in the middle of the hallway.
“Why would I?” I’ve never eaten lunch with Drew. His group typically eats at a table in prime position in the cafeteria, right where it’s the loudest, where everyone walks past. Granted, today they’ll probably eat outside, but it’ll still be a group of at least ten people.
If I eat at all, I take my lunch to some empty classroom or a quiet stairwell and listen to music as I eat. I have more time to do homework, if I’m not busy chatting while I eat.
“Because it’d make me happy to have you there,” he says brightly. “You said you’d hang out with people, remember?”
Right. That was last night, and I’m already regretting that lapse of judgment.
“If you insist,” I sigh with defeat, causing Drew to pump his fist.
With a new spring in his step, he leads me down the stairs and into the cafeteria. We’re probably the last people to arrive for lunch here today: the queue has already reached the door, and we barely even make it into the room. All the tables are already full.
“Bummer,” Drew comments, without even a hint of disappointment in his expression.
“You’re in that type of mood, eh?” I ask, eyeing him.
He winks at me. It’s adorable, and I can’t help but smile. He has that effect on people. He is the sun, and everything revolves around him. He makes people happy.
By the time we make it outside to the table where Drew’s friends are already seated, half of lunch break is already over. A circumstance I am not particularly upset about. I blink against the sun as we walk up to the large wooden table, carrying our trays. There are eight people here. I know all of them by name, but not much further.
“I brought company!” Drew announces, and people scoot over to make space for both of us. Due to the spacing, I sit across from Drew, next to a lanky boy who looks like his muscles haven’t quite caught up with his growth spurt yet. He’s probably on the basketball team or something. Everybody at the table looks disgustingly fit.
“How was class?” the redhead girl next to Drew asks with way too much interest. Her name is Sinéad. I’ve seen them talk a few times, from afar. She is constantly touching him. I wonder why he hasn’t asked her out yet. She’s extremely pretty, with a round face that still somehow looks elven, and even more freckles than Drew. Her eyes are of a startlingly dark blue, like the sea in summer, and she’s got a really warm smile.
Drew shrugs, completely unaware of her obvious intentions. “T’was nice, I guess? No new homework in history.”
“That means you’ll have all weekend to hang out, doesn’t it?” she asks, smiling innocently.
“I mean, I should probably study for the exams?”
“I could coach you!”
“Oh, Max is already doing that,” Drew says, tilting his head to indicate me. “He’s really good at these things.”
Sinéad looks at me then, like she only just noticed I was even sitting at the table. “Max, huh?”
Heat rises to my face as something twists within me. Yet another reason why I hate being in companies of more than one. People use names. And pronouns. I hate it.
“He doesn’t really need that much help,” I mumble, even though that’s a lie.
“C’mon, take credit where it’s due!” Drew replies promptly before turning to Sinéad, pointing his thumb at me. “Without him, I would’ve totally flunked the civil war exam last quarter.”
She’s still eyeing me, I notice with increased discomfort. Sinéad only joined this school two years ago, as far as I can remember. She never said anything mean to me, or acknowledged my existence for that matter. But of course, that doesn’t mean that she hasn’t heard what they used to say about me. What they probably still say about me.
Know it all. Teacher’s pet, and so on. Not even wrong, really, but the intention mattered. They said those things to put distance between them and me. To make sure I wouldn’t be associated with them. Lucky me, I was never interested, anyway.
The guy on Sinéad’s other side, Theo, used to be one of the mean ones. Used to push me in the hallway every opportunity he got.
He notices that I’m watching him, and awkwardly raises his fork in greeting. “Hi, Max.”
He still remembers. But at least Drew’s presence is keeping him from saying anything about it.
And anyway, I’m not doing this for myself, not really. They don’t have to like me. Hell, I wouldn’t like me, if I were part of a friend group and had to watch the weird, quiet kid shove themselves in with us. I’m doing this for Drew. Maybe this’ll make him notice that some things just aren’t meant to be?
“Yo, Max!” somebody further down the table calls. “There a chance you’d take on another student? Only passed history by sheer luck the last time.”
Jacy has his trademark grin on his lips. It makes it absolutely impossible to tell whether he’s being sincere or setting you up to be the butt of a joke. Much more often than not, I used to be the butt.
I want to ignore him, but I’ve already turned my head, and by that point it would be rude not to reply. “I have to study for my own stuff,” I mumble, stuffing my mouth with a large portion of baked potatoes.
“Fair game,” Jacy says. “If you ever have a free evening and wanna make some buck, hit me up!”
Fat chance of that happening, I think.
Drew must’ve read my expression, because he has raised an eyebrow at me when I glance up.
“I can give you my notes if you want?” I offer halfheartedly. My notes are pretty good, if I do say so myself. I’m systematic about these things.
“How much do you want for those?”
I’m about to say nothing, when Drew blurts, “You could pay for his ticket to the barn party this weekend?”
I give him an indignant look. Why hasn’t he noticed yet that I don’t belong with this group? The only reason they’re even talking to me is that they hope to get something out of the knowledge they used to ridicule so desperately.
Barn parties are infamous in our year: hosted at one of the farmer boys’ barns just outside of town, where nobody is close enough to get pissed about loud music or drunk teenagers. I haven’t once felt the urge to find out more, much less attend.
“Oh yeah!” Jacy agrees eagerly. “That sounds great!”
***
With practiced movements, I type the last lines into my phone. I follow, because I hope to feel his warmth / One last time. Then I tap ‘post’ and watch as my phone loads back to the front page of my blog.
Sunshine Girl.
I started posting poems online only a month or two after coming out online as trans. The blog has since amassed a fair following, and every post gets a good amount of comments. Some of it even gets re-used for inspiring Instagram reels. I’ve been told I should make my own channel and start getting into cinematography, because surely there’s money to be made with that, but I never did. The whole point of writing poetry is that I do it for myself.
A little icon pops up at the top left corner of my phone, and I swipe down to open the message.
Penny:Mia, you need to get him before this Sinéad bitch does!!
Penny is my only real friend besides Drew, and she’s firmly convinced that he and I belong together. She’s twenty-six, already out of college, and working, having transitioned over seven years ago.
Ha ha! I type back. Or maybe even: LOL
I just told her about the situation at lunch, hoping to get some sympathy for the discomfort I put myself through, but of course, the only thing she’s interested in is Sinéad’s obvious crush on Drew.
Penny: Oh shit! New post from my favorite poet
Penny: brb
I roll my eyes, lowering my phone. I’m sitting on the porch roof in front of my room’s window, leaning against the slant of the roof tiles behind me. It was Drew’s idea to come out here the first time I did, but it has since become my favorite place in the entire house. My parents don’t follow me out here. It’s my very own spot in the sun, and perfect to stargaze, huddled in a blanket, with a pillow underneath my head.
When I turn my phone over again, Penny has already sent several messages.
Penny: See, this is exactly what I mean.
Penny: “Feel his warmth one last time”?
Penny: Girl ur so in love and absurdly delusional about it.
She knows that ‘Sunshine’ is the title I gave Drew several years ago. Of course she does, she knows everything about me. She was the one who helped me figure out that I was trans, with her gently prodding questions. She was the one who purchased the testosterone blockers for me and sent them to a postbox in town, where I could collect them without anybody asking questions.
She was the one who gave me my name.
Mia.
It was also her idea to name the blog ‘Sunshine Girl’, a reference to my most popular post to date.
My friend is sunshine.
His smile lights up any room —
His presence makes me feel warm and safe.
It is so much easier to laugh with him.
Without him, I am going to wither.
The worst part is that I can totally see where she got the idea. If somebody just saw the text, it would totally seem like I’m eternally in love — or like I should be, anyway. But this isn’t love. This is simply a deep platonic fondness of a person. And isn’t that way more beautiful than love?
Eat my ass, I reply.
Penny promptly shoots back, Isn’t that Drew’s job?
Without even blinking, I close Discord and turn off my mobile data. It’s one of those days, apparently.
I absolutely adore Penny. If we’re being honest for a moment, I probably wouldn’t be alive if not for her. But that doesn’t mean I have to let her tease me endlessly about my best friend.
I know I should probably study now. The folder with my study material for English finals is waiting to my left, but I can’t quite make myself open it yet. The dream of my future on campus is still fresh in my mind, making it hard to concentrate on anything else now that I’m no longer at school.
In seven weeks, I’ll arrive in the student dormitory. By then, I’ll have already ordered a whole set of outfits to a nearby postbox, and be able to start wearing them immediately. I’ll immediately start the process of changing my name — I saved up for this. Penny will come to visit me and bring my first vial of estrogen, the hormone I’ll need to fully transition. We’ll celebrate, go clubbing or something like that, and maybe a boy or girl will ask me out.
The sound of a window opening to my left makes me turn my head. It’s Drew, climbing into the tree that stands in the middle between our houses. His movements are relaxed as he makes his way over: he has done this thousands of times already. He figured out when he was six that he could climb from his window right over to mine, and even onto our roof. We have since kept our parents from cutting the branches back too far, and he never stopped climbing over.
“Evening,” he says, lowering himself easily onto the porch roof next to me. “Already back to studying, I see?”
I nudge the folder with a sheepish grin. “Barely. Mostly just enjoying the sunset.”
From up here, we can see the lake all the way down the street, and behind that, the sky is ablaze with the light of the setting sun.
“You deserve a break,” he says positively, leaning back against the roof as well. Then, refusing to close his eyes and simply rest with me, he asks, “So, how did you like today?”
I raise an eyebrow at him. “Class was fine.”
“And lunch? Jacy was pretty nice to you, wasn’t he?”
“Jacy doesn’t give two shits about me,” I scoff. “He just wants somebody to help him through finals.”
“He doesn’t talk like that to people he doesn’t like,” Drew says confidently.
“He and Theo literally used to bully me. They wanted me at that table just as little as Sinéad did.”
He cocks his head. “What did Sinéad do?”
“Nothing. Forget it.”
“But Jacy and Theo haven’t been dicks to you in years, have they?”
“Doesn’t mean they like me.”
“I could ask them to apologize, you know? I’m sure they would, if I told them to. They probably already feel bad about it.”
I feel myself blanch as my stomach twists itself into a knot. “Don’t you dare!” That would be asking them to start their shit again. Hiding behind the golden boy.
I don’t need his protection. I’ll go to the barn party, and maybe that’ll be enough to show him.