This stretch of road wasn’t originally long. At He Yan’s driving speed, it would only take over ten minutes to reach the Residential Building. But noticing Wen Xue’s earlier gloom had completely vanished, he deliberately gave wrong directions, driving aimlessly through the night as they circled the entire old town area.
By the time Wen Xue parked the car downstairs, it was already past midnight.
Seeing her enthusiasm hadn’t faded, her eyes still bright, He Yan felt somewhat comforted. His words when he sent her to her school dormitory in their previous life were sincere – life is long, live it well. If someone must remain stuck in place unable to move on, it should be him, not her who was only twenty years old.
“Let’s get out of the car.”
“Okay!”
Wen Xue couldn’t calm down at all, her heart still beating rapidly with excitement and exhilaration. She could hardly believe she had actually driven back herself.
Unbuckling the seatbelt and stepping out into the cold wind, she didn’t even feel the chill. She lightly closed the car door, the wind tousling her hair as she looked around. The entire building was dark, the only light source being the moon overhead illuminating the path beneath their feet. He Yan in the passenger seat imperceptibly sighed in relief – regardless of the bumpy journey, they had at least arrived home safely. He reached out with his large hand and carried the three dolls out of the car. This scene struck her as somewhat comical, and she burst into soft laughter. In the overly quiet night, even her light laughter was remarkably clear.
He emphasized, “Yours.”
She mustered her courage to correct him, “They’re yours.”
Firstly, her room already had several stuffed animals, the two-seater sofa was piled with cushions, and there was no space on her bed for these three.
Secondly, they weren’t particularly good-looking or cute.
She didn’t want to bring them home.
He Yan understood her meaning and remained silent for a few seconds before opening the car door and placing the three pitiful dolls back inside.
Wen Xue stood waiting for him to lock the car, then they walked side by side toward the building entrance. Suddenly she slowed her pace, slightly hesitant. Perhaps what the books said was right – late nights breed impulse and courage, especially during such happy moments. She could sense that He Yan had almost no bottom line when it came to indulging her, as if no matter what request she made, he would find a way to fulfill it.
When they were just one step away from the building entrance, she spoke in a low voice, as if testing the waters, “Can I still try?”
He Yan looked up at the night sky. It was already past midnight – the only thing she should try now was going to bed. “Of course, but it’s too late now. Let’s do it tomorrow.”
“Not that…”
Wen Xue shook her head gently, probably aware it wasn’t something good, her voice as faint as a mosquito’s buzz, “I wasn’t talking about driving.”
He Yan didn’t hear clearly, “What?”
“Cigarette.”
He Yan thought he must be hearing things, frowning as he looked at her. What, smoking? Had he misheard, or had she misspoken?
She seemed somewhat embarrassed too, anxiously lowering her neck, intently watching the shadows on the ground. After more than ten seconds of silence, he gave in, stiffly reaching into his pocket to pull out the cigarette case and lighter.
His throat was clogged with countless words, yet he couldn’t utter a single one.
With complex emotions, he took a cigarette from the case and handed it to her along with the lighter.
Wen Xue looked up in disbelief, never expecting he would actually agree!Instantly beaming like a child with a new toy, she recalled accidentally seeing the way he held a cigarette and eagerly tried to imitate him, placing the cigarette between her fingers before asking curiously, “Like this?”
He Yan couldn’t help but chuckle.
The next second, however, he couldn’t laugh anymore—she had opened her mouth, clamped the cigarette butt between her lips, and lifted her gaze to silently watch him, as if asking, “Like this?”
His breath hitched, and he felt inexplicably flustered.
What’s wrong with young people these days? Can’t they read the “Smoking is harmful to health” warning on the cigarette box?
Of all things to try, why pick smoking?
Since this was Wen Xue’s first attempt, she felt both novelty and nervousness. Her hand trembled as she held the lighter, as if she were doing something illicit—furtive and shaky. Unable to stand it any longer, He Yan said sternly, “Give it to me.”
Sensing his displeasure and thinking he was angry, she didn’t hesitate for a second. Quickly removing the cigarette from her lips, she handed it over, looking both obedient and timid.
“I meant, give me the lighter.”
“Ah? Oh…”
Urged by his impatient gaze, she slowly moved closer. With a click, a small flame ignited. He shielded it from the wind with his broad palm, leaning down to light her cigarette. The firelight illuminated their expressions—one resolute, the other gentle—as he watched her intently without a word.
He had agreed to let her try, but he never said he would teach her.
Wen Xue had no idea what she was doing. As the cigarette lit, she cautiously took a puff, and her pupils contracted sharply—
“Cough…”
“Cough, cough, cough!”
One cough after another, loud enough to trigger the motion-sensor lights from the first to the third floor. Tears streamed down her face from the coughing fit; her lungs felt scorched, as if about to burst, with a sensation of heart-wrenching pain.
Why did others seem to enjoy smoking so much, while it only made her feel worse?
He Yan had initially intended to watch coldly as she bent over, choking on the smoke. But without thinking, he grabbed her wrist, snatched the cigarette, and stubbed it out, then patted her back to help her catch her breath. Even through her soft down jacket, his palm could feel her slender fragility.
“Still want to try?” he asked deliberately in a cold tone.
In some ways, He Yan was an impatient older brother, yet he could never refuse his younger siblings.
But the one thing he regretted most across two lifetimes was teaching He Heng how to swim.
Back then, He Heng had envied others who could swim and begged him relentlessly. Annoyed by the pestering, He Yan took him to a nearby swimming pool. The bold and quick-learning child, after choking on water a few times, soon began splashing around joyfully.
In the years that followed, He Yan often wondered: if he hadn’t taught He Heng to swim, He Heng would never have dived into the water that night to save someone.
After a while, Wen Xue’s eyelashes damp with tears, she finally recovered. She gave him a weak smile and spoke in broken phrases, “I saw it on TV… When the main character is upset or in pain, smoking a cigarette makes them feel better.”
So, she had been deceived again.
She never wanted to smoke again.
He Yan’s lips twitched. “What’s shown on TV is fake. Smoking and drinking don’t help and offer no benefits. Don’t learn from them.”
“But you…” She glanced at him quickly. “But you do it too.”
He Yan laughed, a cold chuckle. “I’ll quit someday.”
“When is ‘someday’?” she whispered.He Yan couldn’t answer, falling silent for a few seconds before instinctively changing the subject, “What else do you want to try?”
Wen Xue had no strength left. Still feeling somewhat dizzy, she didn’t care about the dirty wall and leaned back against it after taking a few steps back. The cold wind blew through the stairwell, making her voice sound faint and pitiful, “I’ve thought about… whether I should date someone and fall in love.”
Pain is an emotion, but it can also become a seed.
She didn’t want it to take root in her body either, but the ways she knew to entertain herself were extremely limited. It seemed she had lost the ability to make herself happy, or perhaps she had never possessed that ability in the first place.
When she was too young to form memories, her loving parents had passed away unexpectedly.
The pain of white-haired elders burying their dark-haired children turned her grandparents’ hair gray and their once healthy bodies gradually deteriorated. In her memories, the air at home was always filled with the smell of various medicines. When the alarm clock rang, her grandparents would unscrew bottle caps, pour pills into their palms with rustling sounds, and swallow them with upturned heads.
In her monotonous adolescence, all the vibrant colors were painted by He Heng.
At first they weren’t close. Once they were assigned to the same group for an experiment, but they had different approaches and nearly argued. She was somewhat angry and didn’t want to speak to him anymore. After the lab class ended, she picked up her textbooks and walked out. He Heng chased after her, following wherever she went.
From that day on, he became her shadow that she couldn’t shake off.
Even a good student like He Heng would fight for her. The male students at school were manageable since teachers kept them in check, but those few delinquents outside school always liked to follow her. After He Heng found out, he insisted on picking her up for school and walking her home every day. On one or two occasions, he got into conflicts with them, grabbing whatever was at hand and fighting without regard for his own safety.
He said he would never let anyone bully her.
“Okay.”
These two words interrupted Wen Xue’s reminiscence. She looked up at him hastily, “What?”
“You can try dating, going shopping, watching movies or something,” He Yan paused for a few seconds before adding, “But you should find someone decent. You need to have some standards for him, at least he should have some capability so he can protect and take care of you when things happen.”
Listening to him speak so seriously, Wen Xue shook her head, “That won’t work. I still can’t do it. Don’t you think doing that would be very unfair and excessive to others?”
“I don’t think so.”
“…”
This absurd conversation once again hit Wen Xue’s funny bone. She turned her head aside and chuckled quietly. The longer she spent time with He Yan, the more she discovered his occasional dry humor, completely different from the serious older brother He Heng had described.
He… was very, very good.
He Yan didn’t understand why she was laughing, but the tension that had gripped him since she mentioned wanting to smoke began to ease. His tone softened, “It’s very late. You should go up and rest.”
“Okay.”
Wen Xue straightened up. It had always been her walking in front with him behind, and this time was no exception. However, when they reached the second floor, her lingering curiosity hadn’t completely faded, making her ask the question she had long wanted to ask, “What about you? Besides smoking and drinking, what else do you do when you’re upset or in pain?”
“You want to know?”
“Just a little.”
Though she said “just a little,” her bright, smiling eyes clearly said “very much.”He Yan glanced at her with some helplessness. It seemed she was determined to stay up late tonight. Had he known this earlier, why would he have brought her back from the karaoke bar? Wouldn’t it have been better to let her go wild there?
“Follow me.”
This time, he walked ahead, heading toward the end of the second floor. Wen Xue didn’t hesitate and quickly followed. One in front, one behind—two sets of footsteps with different weights echoed in the corridor, the steady and the light interweaving. Before long, they arrived at the door of He Yan’s room. He took out his keys to unlock the door, while she stood on tiptoe, peering in with curiosity.
Just as her eyes had adjusted to the dimness, the lights in the room abruptly turned on. The brightness was too intense, and the crisp, clean scent that belonged to He Yan grew even stronger. Her eyes ached from the sudden glare.
“Coming in?”
He Yan rarely found himself indecisive. He was usually sharp and resolute, yet he couldn’t understand how he had come up with such an absurd suggestion—bringing her to his doorstep in the early hours of the morning. It wasn’t appropriate. After all, only one woman had ever entered his room so far: the cleaning lady, Zhang Shen.
But even Zhang Shen only came in during the daytime.
Reason told He Yan that he should send Wen Xue upstairs to bed immediately. Yet she seldom showed curiosity about anything, and he couldn’t let her curiosity go unfulfilled.
Just this once, only this once, and never again. He brooded over the thought.