C
“Okay, time for a little warm up,” Vivi announces, getting up from her chair. “Put all the chairs to the side, we won’t really need them today.”
I get up as well, taking my chair and carrying it to the side of the stage. From the corner of my eye, I see Vivi leaning closer to Chloe, who giggles in reply.
As a slight heaviness settles at the base of my stomach, I turn back around and join the others in the circle they’ve formed.
“For the first exercise, we’re going to walk around the stage.” Her voice carries with ease through the whole assembly hall.
She’s in this mode right now, the way she always gets when she’s in a position of responsibility. Fewer jokes, more confident assertiveness, but never in an arrogant way. As I watch, I can’t help but think that she’s the perfect person for this position, a born leader.
“For now, there are two rules: Make sure that you never walk in the same direction as anybody else and make sure that you don’t walk the same as anybody else. Find your own distinct way of walking. Go.”
I walk slowly at first, looking around as if self-conscious. I’m supposed to be the least confident person here.
The others are all following the task. N is walking with her head pulled back, looking up at the ceiling dreamily, hands clasped behind her back. Milly is walking down an imaginary catwalk and Lisa is holding an invisible walking stick like an old fashioned gentleman. Jason has his arms puffed out, which comically makes him look even bigger. After making sure he’s not the only one making a joke of himself, he even presses his lips together as if he were angry.
Careful to not make the change in my attitude too obvious, I take on a more confident posture, holding my head higher, exaggerating the movements of my arms and legs.
“Okay, now dial that attitude up to the absolute max. Make it fun!” Vivi calls from the sidelines.
Immediately, Milly’s composure turns into that of a prototypical drag queen, and Lisa is suddenly leaning heavily onto her walking stick, holding her back. Both of them are laughing, and it’s hard not to join them. They’ve really understood the assignment.
N, meanwhile, trips over an imaginary unevenness in the floor and sends herself tumbling across the stage like Captain Jack Sparrow.
I dial the arrogance in my face up all the way, looking down past my nose even at Jason, who seems to be about to bash somebody’s head in, his hands balled into fists, teeth bared in a snarl.
“That’s amazing!” Vivi announces after a while. “Now come back here, please.”
All of us drop character. Everybody’s in a good mood now. Milly and Lisa are laughing openly, and even Jason seems to be over his initial inhibitions, giving a gentle laugh when Nur yells at him because he looked scary.
We do two more exercises where we shake out our limbs and warm up our vocal chords before Vivi hands out the scripts and tells us to go practice in groups for a little before coming back together to present what we worked on.
Then, it’s time to get into the thick of it. Today, we’re rehearsing a scene from a little further into the play, where I won’t have any appearances. Which is unfortunate, because I’m very much in the mood right now to put on a performance, but I suppose it can’t be helped.
Silently, I sit down in a chair at the side of the stage, watching the others get ready. They’re still all giggly. I’ll really have to change my reputation at school as well, not just at home, but I’ll have to take it slow. The play can be my excuse to become more extroverted, I’ve decided, and my cast members will be my first new friends.
“Vivi? Can Noel and I go practice our scene together outside? Neither of us is in this scene.”
I look up at the sound of Jason’s voice, and find him grinning crookedly, eyes shifting from Vivi to me.
Vivi nods, and I know she’s pleased with his show of initiative. “That’s a great idea, Jason! You two go practice your scenes and then later if we still have time, you can present your progress, okay?”
Jason nods, before directing his attention back at me. “I mean, unless you wanna just watch for now?”
I get up hurriedly, shaking my head. “No, it’s fine.” Then I follow him outside, where we find a vacated classroom to rehearse in.
It’s… interesting, rehearsing with Jason. I have to constantly hold myself back from acting too well, because I’m not supposed to be that comfortable with it yet. At the same time, Jason is clearly trying, but I doubt he’s intentionally stumbling over his words. I don’t give him any tips, though. I would love to do that, but again, I’m not supposed to be good at this. And anyway, Noel doesn’t know him. The Noel of the present is shy around people he doesn’t know.
We make it through the scene twice before Jason hesitates, looking up from the script, his posture shifting.
“We’ve been going to this school together for two years now, haven’t we?”
I don’t have to act startled in response. My shoulders stiffen as I meet his eyes for a fraction of a second, immediately looking away.
“Yes?”
“And this is the first time I’m actually talking to you.”
“Yes.” He’s being awkward again, but there’s nobody here to help him with that. I still don’t know what he’s getting at. Does he seriously want to be friends with me? Not that I’d be against that, but he already has so many friends, or at least people he gets along with.
“You used to be really close friends with Chloe, right?”
I nod, beginning to get an inkling of where this is going.
“I like how she’s doing so much to make everybody be friends in our year. I doubt we’d all be this close without her.”
Vivi started that, and it makes me feel guilty that he’s not giving her any credit for it. But I can’t tell him that, can I?
“I think it’s great that you’re beginning to be a part of that as well. You used to be so silent, and now you’re here, in the play—” he hesitates, blushing. “Wait, fuck, was that insensitive?”
A low giggle escapes my lips before I can stop myself.
“It’s okay.”
He gives an uncertain grin. “Are you and Chloe still close? I mean, she told me you used to be friends, but I hadn’t really ever seen you talk until the start of the play.”
I did tell him that, some years ago. I left out that we were best friends, to spare Noel the trouble of people having any thoughts about the end of our friendship.
I give a vague shrug. “We’ve started hanging out more again, but I think she’s a lot closer with Vivi?”
“The queens of our year, huh?”
Right. That’s not awkward at all. I want to tell him to get to the point, but can’t find a reasonable excuse to break the script.
“Uhm, so, this is probably super random, but—” He stops and licks his lips nervously. “So, I was hoping to get to know her a little better and… do you think you could give me some… advice maybe? Like, nothing super private, maybe the sort of food she likes, or her favourite music or something.”
At a snap, my veins freeze over. I hadn’t expected that he would ask for help. For some stupid reason, I hadn’t expected that he would ask for help. I’d thought he’d read the room and at least suspect—
It’s not his fault, of course. N never really had a crush on me, did she, and I’m not acting very affectionate towards her, either.
But what do I do now? Do I tell him no? I can’t afford Jason not liking me. In my position, I can’t afford anybody not liking me. Not that being able to afford it ever actually mattered to me.
And besides, it would be petty.
N’s laughter rings in my ears. The way she laughed when we lay on our backs in my bed to take the selfie.
In the end it’s up to her, isn’t it? I want her to be happy. Beyond all my romantic motives, I want her to be happy, and what does it matter what I want, if it’s not what she wants? Jason is a great chance to test the waters, isn’t he? He’s safe. He’s kind. He’s manly, I suppose, and he’s always seemed to appreciate me beyond my beauty. He’s not arrogant, probably assumes that she’s out of his league anyway. And she is, truthfully, out of anybody’s league, but that’s beside the point.
“Wait, do you have a crush on her as well?” Jason asks suddenly, finally beginning to read the room.
With a sinking feeling in my stomach, I force myself to shake my head. “No, sorry, I was blanking. Uhhh…” To buy myself some time, I scratch at my nose and look out of the window.
N’s not gonna fall for just anybody. She’ll think it through. She’s smart. He’ll have to be right for her. And if he is, who am I to stand in the way of that?
“She likes to listen to all sorts of music, really. Some sad indie stuff, some rock… not really a lot of rap, a lot of pop. She really likes sushi, generally Asian food is probably not something you can go wrong with. Pizza is fine, but not, like, her favourite? She likes fruit or vegetables much better for snacks than sweets, so if you’re going to work on your project, that might be something to bring?”
Fortunately, our individual tastes in food were close enough together that the body swap didn’t really affect us in any way. Really, preferring vegetables over sweets is more of a habit than a matter of taste, because once you get used to less sweet stuff, or living healthy, you won’t want to stop.
Jason nods along attentively. “Thank you, that’s great advice! Uhm… do you know what she thinks about compliments? Like, nothing grand, just a ‘your hair looks great today’ or something.”
I suppress a smile. Most girls would immediately clock that, wouldn’t they? But N isn’t most girls and she’s already told me how much she enjoys being complimented now. I’ve started doing that myself as well, just saying stuff like ‘great makeup today!’ or ‘nice outfit!’ because complimenting her looks would be weird for obvious reasons. But every time I do it, she won’t stop beaming for a solid minute.
“Yeah, I think she’ll like that.” She’s going to love it, in fact. The smile on my face feels plastic.
Finally, he’s grinning again. “Thanks, bro.”
Nervously, I shift my position. I’ve never been called ‘bro’ before, and can’t quite place how I feel about it. For the first time, I guess I’m really being treated like a man by another man. Or boy? I’m still working out the differences.
My stomach’s still heavy, and my shoulders are still tight, but that’s not because of that.
“No problem.”
Jason checks his watch. “I think we should head back to the others now.” Then, as we’re about to leave the room, he adds, “Hey, uhm, there’s this party at my place next weekend. You’re welcome to come, if you want to, alright?”
“Yeah, I’d like that!”
I watch him on our way back to the others. Now I know for certain what I’d suspected for a few days now. I can’t help but wonder when he fell in love with me. Why he fell in love with me. Vivi is just as pretty as me, if not more so. I’m nothing more than a copy of her, if anything at all, and still he chose me. I suppose, if nothing else, at least I’m good at lying.