N
“I know that you’re not who you say you are. That you’re more than this facade you’re putting up to protect yourself,” Jason says, a little robotically. “But I don’t know you. You keep showing me these glimpses of yourself, and that’s why I’m in love with you—but you’ve never let me look behind those walls.”
I jump to my feet, backing immediately away from him. “I can’t!” I yell, my voice breaking.
He gets up as well, pulling his shoulders in as if to make himself instinctively smaller, which does laughably little to actually make him smaller, empty palms facing me in a peace offering. “But I love you!”
I back up further. “Because you don’t know me!” On the last word, I whirl around and run off stage. I stay there for a full three seconds, behind the scenery flats, before stepping back into view. As some of the other actors clap, I’m unable to keep a satisfied little grin from my lips.
Drama practice feels different today and for once, I know exactly why that is. I’m finally Chloe. It’s like a pressure valve opened at the party last weekend and finally, I’m able to fill the space C left for me. It’s no longer acting.
“That was great, Chloe! If you’re already this good, I’m looking forward to the final performance,” Vivi says in this businesslike way she always assumes when she’s in director-Vivi mode. Next, she turns to Jason, who’s still standing downstage by the edge where we sat earlier, looking a little forlorn, now that he no longer has a script to follow. “What did you think of that just now?”
Vivi always does that when she has found something we could do better, trying to make us find it ourselves first, trying to make us think. It has proven quite effective in starting a constructive discourse around improvement.
Jason gives a short nod. It’s not the first time he’s been asked that question, not even today, and by now he knows the game. “Could’ve been better.” He shrugs. “I know the text by now, so that’s good, but I’m still concentrating on saying the correct words too much, maybe? But even then I’m not sure I have the right angle for the emotions? I think my body language is okay. I know people say just imagine yourself in the character’s shoes, but, like, I tried and it’s not working?”
He shuts up when Vivi raises a hand in a calming gesture. “Okay, back up. You’re not doing that bad, okay? It’s literally your first time acting. I agree, your body language is good, and if you already know your text, we have plenty of time left to get the rest down, okay?”
The big guy nods again as arrive at his side and we both sit down on the edge of the stage again, ready for the next run.
“Right. But how do I get it right?” The concept of ‘taking it easy’ seems to be rather lost on him. If I were to guess, I’d say that he’s projecting his exercise habits onto his acting, which ends in him being pretty relentless about practice.
“You experiment,” Vivi says. “Okay, ‘But I love you’! Say it like you mean it!”
Jason frowns, but then attempts to do as she suggested. “But I love you!”
“Louder!”
“But I love you!”
“You’re protesting her! It’s frustrating!”
“But I love you!”
“She’s so dumb, you know? You’ve been making it obvious that you love her for weeks now and she still doesn’t believe you!”
His shoulders slump. “Can’t you, like, show me?”
Vivi stops short, her mouth already open for the next set of instructions. Then she cocks her head, flipping her hair with her left hand. “I’ll try.”
Abruptly, she turns to face C, who’s sitting next to her and clearly did not expect to become a part of this so suddenly.
“Look at me, I need a face to talk to,” she instructs.
C nods, wiping her hands on her jeans.
“I know that you’re not who you say you are,” she says imploringly, and I can’t help the impression that she’s actually talking to C right now. “That you’re more than this—” she stops and gestures helplessly, looking for the right word, “facade you’re putting up to protect yourself. But I don’t know you. You keep showing me these glimpses of yourself, and that’s why I’m in love with you, but you’ve never let me look behind those walls.”
Her words seem so genuine, somehow. And I know I’m not the only one who feels this way. C has gone positively red under Vivi’s undivided attention.
Today’s not only the first practice since the party, but also the first practice since Vivi found out that we swapped bodies. So far, she’s taking it in stride. She’s joined C in helping me with my homework when she is busy with other things, and her routine is somehow even stricter than C’s. Where she usually tells me that I should only do as much as I want and is available for as long as my ambition lasts, which is quite a while, I may add, Vivi genuinely pushes me. It’s only been two days of her helping me after dinner, and it’s already clearer than ever before why she’s as good at everything as she is: when it comes down to business, she has an absolute laser focus.
It’s weird, being around her now. On the one hand, there are no expectations, as I have nothing to hide. But on the other hand, she treats me differently. Not when other people are around, she’s a great actor after all, but those looks of quiet understanding, of barely contained laughter, don’t really come anymore. I don’t suppose I can hold that against her—I did deceive her after all, and she doesn’t even really know me—but it does sting a little.
C jumps up. “I can’t!” she chokes, and I realise all of a sudden that she’s not holding back like she usually does. Her voice sounds fractured, like she’s about to burst into tears.
Vivi gets up as well, approaching C like a scared animal that could flee at even the hint of a wrong movement.
“But I love you!” There’s everything in those four words. Desperation, frustration, love, tenderness, a connection that feels like it goes back years.
“Because you don’t know me!” C yells hoarsely, her voice reverberating through the assembly hall.
Unlike me earlier, she doesn’t turn and run. Instead, she just stands there, breathing heavily, a little red as if she’d just sprinted across the school yard, posture tense.
Silence falls in the assembly hall and for a moment, and it’s like you could hear a needle drop.
“Wow,” Jason whispers next to me, breaking the silence.
A single clap echoes, then everybody joins in.
“Why don’t the two of you take the lead roles?” Lisa asks, her face still wearing a mixture of bafflement and awe.
“I didn’t know you could act so well, Noel!” Milly joins in.
C blushes visibly at that, hurriedly retaking her seat in an attempt to disappear from their line of sight, mumbling something about not wanting to take the lead on her first time acting. Doesn’t seem to make Jason feel a whole lot better about his performance, though he tries to grin it off.
“Bro, that was wicked!”
C gives a jerky nod in reply, but doesn’t say anything.
“Well, it’d be kinda lame if I wrote the script and took on the lead as well, wouldn’t it?” Vivi’s saying in the meantime. “And anyway, directing and acting is practically impossible. Well, for me, anyway. Y’all are doing great!” She stops herself from breaking into a motivational speech and fixes Jason with her eyes. “Did that help you?”
“Definitely! Easier to hit if I know what I’m aiming at, eh?”
***
When rehearsals end, Vivi, C, and I are the last ones staying behind to put the chairs back into stacks and to the side. We ended up going a little over time, and all the others had buses to catch or other commitments to make.
None of us do. That was kinda the idea: that today, after practice, we’d stay behind so Vivi could join us for our daily meeting. It’s the first time all three of us have the time for this. Of course, she won’t always be there, she’s not actually a part of this after all, she said so herself, but whenever we need her, we’re supposed to tell her, and she’ll do her best.
Once we’re done putting everything back into order, we leave school and walk together to the parking lot. Vivi came to school by car today, and she drives us to C’s house, which is mine now.
We spend the next hours studying in the living room. Vivi tries to be her usual, resolute self, but she seems distracted, stopping every now and again and asking questions about how we handle the body swap. She wants to know how we talk about the things that happen to us during the day, how we keep track of all the information we have to remember about the other.
Finally, we stop studying and the conversation segues into stories about C’s life, told by C and Vivi in tandem. I couldn’t have dreamed there would be so much left C hadn’t even thought to mention to me so far, but Vivi remembers the stories like she has them catalogued in her mind, in even greater detail than C.
When it’s time for dinner, I offer to cook for them, but Vivi says that she has to get home to eat, since she set the evening aside for some quality time with her Mum.
So C and I make dinner together, just for the two of us in absence of her parents. It’s a quiet, relaxed process, cutting up the vegetables and turning them into a stew. We’re both tired from the long day and neither of us feels the need to say much with low music and the sound of knives against cutting boards filling the silence in the room.
C gets out candles as the stew cooks, lowering the lights in the rest of the room and placing the candles prominently at the centre of the already-set table before lighting them. When she notices that I’m watching her, she smiles a little wistfully.
“I had a phase where I’d always light candles to eat dinner when I was on my own,” she says quietly. “Stopped doing it regularly over a year ago, but I still like how it looks.”
When the stew is ready, we sit across from each other, everything neatly arranged as if we were about to start a photo shoot. As I think that, I realise how much I like it. I mean, I’ve been a lot more tidy since we swapped bodies, but I never went so far out of my way just to make things pretty when it was just me. And yes, right now it isn’t just me, but tomorrow it will be, and I think I’ll be lighting candles then.
“It’s the second full moon this weekend,” I say as we begin to eat.
C looks up from her plate with surprise. I know she knew, but she probably didn’t expect me to bring it up right now.
“Yeah,” she says finally, looking back down to blow on her spoon.
“I—” I stop, scratching awkwardly at the back of my neck. “How are things going for you?”
It’s the first time we’re having this conversation. When the first full moon had passed, we’d both avoided the topic awkwardly. But right now I can’t help but feel that it’s my responsibility to bring it up. We did make this swap for my sake, after all, and despite everything, I don’t want to continue like this if it makes her unhappy.
My heartbeat quickens as I watch her. I feel kind of at home in this body now. And of course, I’d give her body back if she asked for it, but I can’t tell how I’d react if she did.
After a moment’s hesitation, she looks up and meets my eyes, straightening her back as she says, “I’m still getting used to it, but so far it’s nice enough. I’m sure it’ll get even better once I’m able to act more more like myself.”