“Mavericks, Mavericks, what’s your cry?”
“V-I-C-T-O-R-Y!” the gymnasium shouted in reply, followed by a raucous cheer.
I regretted ever thinking that cheerleading would be easy. If there was one thing I learned about cheerleaders, it was that we may look good from afar, but the uniforms were sweaty and you still had to smile brightly while making it seem effortless. Granted, I had Catherine who constantly hounded me to practice routines with her for months, and it was her drive that got both of us into the junior varsity cheer squad.
As the other girls and I finished up our routine with high kicks and pom-pom shakes, we transitioned out for the varsity squad’s finale for the pep rally this morning. Most students, as Matthew had in his timeline, were herded into the gymnasium before classes to be the audience for the Homecoming rally. Ostensibly, it was for the so-called popular kids, meaning the football players, as Northview High School’s football program was quite robust. Everyone else was just here for the ride.
I mused that it was a bit tribal, as I sat with Catherine and the rest of our squad in the bleachers decked out in our skirts. I was warming up to the idea of having school spirit, which I pretty much attributed to peer pressure. It was much more fun than the lazy cynicism I had had in Matthew’s timeline. It was hard not to think of myself as an undercover observer to the whole event. Regardless, I made sure to applaud as loud as everyone else when the varsity cheerleaders did their routine. I estimated that at this rate, I’d be one of them in a year or two.
Across the gym on the opposite bleachers, I scanned the sophomore football team, who were dressed in their football uniforms. I saw Jake with his new football teammates, and our eyes met briefly. He had been convinced to try out for the tenth grade squad as a running back, which actually gave me a reason to pay attention to the games. I gave him a short wave, which he returned. Neither of us was as into the whole football/cheerleading scene as everyone else in our circle, but that’s why we made a good combo. We were able to treat it with a bit more detachment than everyone else on our respective squads.
For the thousandth time I felt a silly awkwardness at the idea that I had a boyfriend. It was innocent, really; we had been friends for a while, and all that it meant was that the way our friends defined us shifted. I had famously been a boy-hater, which many girls felt was a smokescreen, but now that I was going steady with a boy of my own many of them were able to stop seeing me as a potential rival. More importantly, it meant that I was now hands-off to every other guy, so if I went to a party I could reliably be left unbothered.
Even though dating Jake was an indulgence that I allowed myself, I was still firm with my boundaries. I couldn’t in good conscience have anything beyond platonic hand-holding. My body might be fifteen years old, but my mind was decades older so it wouldn’t be right. When I told Jake that I didn’t want to be physical, he was surprisingly amenable. He muttered something about being religious or whatever, which was fine by me. I got to have my cake and eat it too.
Everyone seemed to approve of me dating Jake, my parents in particular. They thought he was a nice boy, and there might have been some relief that despite years of being raised as male it confirmed to them that I was completely straight. It was the mid-nineties after all, and there was still an aversion to alternative sexualities.
What was most uncomfortable was Catherine’s acceptance, if not glee, that I was finally dating Jake.
She and I had agreed to double-date for the Homecoming Dance, me with Jake and her with a dolt from the defensive line named Pete. We planned to get ready together before Dad dropped us off at the school to meet our dates. Catherine brought her bundled dress with her to my house, where we spent the late afternoon dolling ourselves up. It felt weird getting ready for a date alongside someone I had memories of being married to.
“Oh my god, Maya,” said Catherine as she took her turn at my vanity. “I can’t believe we’re finally going to a homecoming dance! Aren’t you just totally excited?”
“Hm? Oh, yeah, it should be interesting,” I replied as I was puckering to apply my rose lipstick.
Catherine rolled her eyes. “You’re always so serious, Maya! It’s like you’re seeing this as a scientific experiment or something. Get excited!”
I smacked my lips together. “Well, I’ve never done this before, so I don’t even know if it will—oh my god,” I suddenly realized, “I don’t even know how to dance!”
Catherine turned her head to me. “I thought you knew how. I mean, you learned pretty quick in our ballet class once you loosened up.”
“Well, that was different. I never learned how to dance as a couple!”
Matthew had of course been to several events in the course of his life where there was formal dancing, including his own wedding. He wasn’t bad or anything, but it was a skill he devoted very little of his time to compared to music and finance. I had never even considered dancing with a partner, and it had slipped my mind with everything else going on in my life.
Catherine stood up and approached me, her makeup half-finished. “Don’t worry, I can show you a little. Okay, so first hold me.”
“Okay,” I gulped.
Catherine stood in front of me, and I rested my hands on her hips. “No, Maya, you have to hold my shoulders. The boys put their hands on our hips because they’re leading.”
I cringed a little. “Right. I’m the girl.” I placed my hands on Catherine’s shoulders and she placed them on my hips.
“Okay, so basically the boy will sort of guide you,” Catherine said as she started swaying gently. “You just have to go where he nudges you, and make sure not to step on his feet. You have to walk backward when he steps forward, or when he turns you.”
I nodded, trying to follow where Catherine was leading. Matthew’s memories flashed in my head, where he was holding his wife’s waist and gently leading her on a dance floor. It was a lot harder to be the follower, and I kept stepping on her feet. It felt unusual resting my arms on her shoulders since she was shorter than me, but I pulled her a little closer until we were lightly pressed against each other.
“There you go,” Catherine said gently. “Just relax and go with it. And stop trying to lead.”
There was a corner of my brain that enjoyed having a girl close to me like this, and I already felt a sort of intimacy with Catherine because we were such good friends. I also liked just how soft and gentle she was, and how I was trying to be gentle back since she was leading. At a certain point, our eyes met as we held each other, and when she gave me a friendly smile, I felt a shiver of anguish and trespass.
There was always a residual longing for Catherine that I wrestled with. She was not the woman that Matthew married in my previous life; she was a mere teenager like me and what’s more my best friend. There was more than just a moratorium on being involved with her; it felt like a betrayal to Matthew and his marriage, not to mention I knew that Catherine had no interest in women. I wasn’t even sure if I did any more. But in moments like this I felt a profound ache of dissonance, and I released Catherine with a jolt.
Catherine looked at me puzzled. “Are you okay, Maya? Don’t worry, you did really good!”
“I’m…just nervous to dance with Jake, is all,” I lied.
“Well, most boys have no idea what they’re doing when it comes to dancing. Just don’t step on his feet and you’ll be fine!”
I forced Matthew’s memories away and let Catherine happily chatter away as we finished each other’s makeup. I struggled to focus, but by six-thirty we were ready to go; Catherine in her white dress and I in a dark blue dress that I had picked out with Mom. They weren’t super formal, but it was the most shoulder and cleavage that I ever exposed while wearing a dress. I also had a pair of two-inch heels, which weren’t too hard to walk in. The two of us went upstairs where Mom fussed over both of us.
After posing for a handful of pictures, we loaded into the car with Dad and headed to Northview High. There was a trail of cars that were dropping off students at the school, and when Dad pulled into the entrance Catherine and I hooked elbows and headed inside. We waited by our lockers, doing last-minute fixes to our hair and makeup, until Jake and Pete met with us. They were both wearing ties, but neither had bothered with a jacket. My heart did a leap seeing Jake smile at me.
“Hey, Maya,” greeted Jake with a kiss on my cheek. “You look fantastic!”
I blushed. “Thanks, Jake. You look nice too.”
“Well,” said Pete with his arm casually over Catherine’s shoulders, “let’s head to the dance floor!”
Homecoming was held in the cafeteria, which had been transformed into a ballroom. Everyone was milling about and socializing while the music piped in through the speakers. Jake led me by the hand through the crowd with Pete and Catherine trailing. We said hello to a few of the other students we recognized, and of course the girls threw compliments at each other about how hot we looked.
Gradually the music started picking up, and students started wandering over to the dance floor. It was peppy and fast, so Jake and I quickly got caught up in the beat. Catherine and Pete were dancing nearby. I got lost in the music, and with my brain turning off I was having a blast. As the night wore on, the music started getting slower. Jake and I looked at each other shyly, and he approached me. Of course, on autopilot I placed my hands on his hips.
“Uh, hold on,” chided Jake, and I cursed myself as we shuffled our hands awkwardly. I nervously placed my hands on his shoulders as he placed his on my hips. This felt a lot more natural than it had with Catherine, and I think it was because Jake was bigger than I was. Stronger, too. It was nice holding Catherine this afternoon—familiar, and softer—but being held by Jake like this was nothing like I expected. There was a rightness to it that my body responded to.
Jake wasn’t a great dancer, but he was very firm and it was easy to follow him. It was wild looking up at him as he held me, moving slowly together to the music. He looked down at me, and I couldn’t help biting my lip nervously as we danced. I don’t know how long we danced, but I didn’t care as we swayed in the sea of students in the dark. At a certain point I pulled him close, his arms wrapped around me and my head contentedly against his chest.
When one of the songs ended, I gazed up at him, and saw a nervous smile on his face. My heart started beating as he slowly bent his head towards mine. The voice in the back of my head shouted at me to stop, but I was too gone in the moment and I raised my head towards him. Before I knew it, we were kissing.
My thoughts scattered as my lips pressed against his, and I felt his arms tighten around me. The kiss couldn’t have lasted more than a few seconds, but those seconds felt like an eternity. A blissful eternity. When the kiss broke, I felt immediate regret. No, no, I shouldn’t have done that! I screamed internally. I was overcome with guilt, but it felt so good. Jake must have seen my face, because he wore a puzzled expression. I didn’t meet his eyes, instead burying my face in his chest while he continued to hold me.
For a few minutes we just held each other. Jake eventually whispered, “Do you want to go sit down?”
I nodded, and he led me away to an empty table. He pulled a chair out for me before sitting down himself.
“Are you okay, Maya?” he asked, softly.
“I’m fine,” I assured him. “It was…just a lot.”
“I’m sorry if it was too much.” He looked away. “I shouldn’t have done that; it felt wrong.”
I turned to face him. “It…was my first kiss.” It was sort of true. It may not have been a first for Matthew, but this was my first time as Maya, and that’s how I felt at the moment.
“It was mine, too,” said Jake dumbly. “I guess I don’t know how it should feel.”
I smiled weakly at him. “I guess we’re just a couple of doofuses.”
Jake chuckled. “Yeah, I guess so.”
We sat together for a while, holding hands and just enjoying the company. I tried to squash the guilt I felt, succeeding to a small degree, but there was still a residual twist in my guts. Jake seemed lost in thought as he held my hand. The clock approached ten, which was when Dad was coming to pick us up, so Jake and I went to track down Catherine. We eventually found her sitting with Pete. He was busy bragging about football to a couple of other guys, ignoring her. Catherine lit up when she saw us and pulled away from him in a heartbeat. I had a weird sense of satisfaction that she ditched Pete to ride home with me.
I gave a tight-lipped smile to Jake as Catherine and I climbed into the backseat of Dad’s car. Stupid, I told myself, to lose control of myself like that. Still, it felt nice.
I glanced over at Catherine, who was casually fussing with something in her purse, and my internal discordance threatened to start all over again.