It was once again Christmas at the Brown house, and the four of us were upstairs in the sitting area. Our white, artificial tree was decked out in our ornaments by the stairs, with Tim sitting on the floor digging through his stocking. Dad snapped photos as Mom nursed a cup of coffee near the kitchen. I stood at the tree, fiddling with Jane’s teddy bear ornament wistfully and holding a cup of tea. I was struggling to keep a smile on my face, but not even the warmth of a Christmas morning with my family was enough to set me at ease.
It had been weeks since The Whole, and I still felt broken from that awful night. I had been quieter than usual, which was saying something, and I spent a lot of time in my room. I hadn’t touched my guitar since then, and merely scrolled through financial news online or paged idly through my Wall Street Journal, though for the moment there was nothing to follow. My stock buys were in place, despite Mr. Henderson’s severe apprehensions about investing a cool million into one single purchase. But if that one purchase was Apple, then I was the only one who wasn’t worried. Still, there was nothing to do but wait. Wait, and to mope.
I took a seat on our blue and white checkered sofa as Tim was opening his small rectangle of a present. “Whoa! You got me GoldenEye 64? How did you get this, Maya?”
I shrugged. “I have my ways. The game is supposed to be awesome.”
Tim was clearly excited, yet his thirteen-year-old pride wouldn’t allow him to let on. “Um, thanks, sis,” he managed awkwardly.
Tim had gotten me a CD and a stationery set, while Mom and Dad had gotten me my own stereo and a silver necklace. I noticed that Dad pulled out all of the stops for gifts; his stock portfolio was quite robust thanks to me, and the wealth was spread generously to his family in the form of a new Nintendo for Tim and a pair of earrings for Mom. Little did he know that was just the start of his good fortune.
“Maya, can you come into the kitchen and help me?” asked Mom while Tim continued to tear through his wrapping paper.
“Sure, Mom,” I said as I stood up and adjusted my lavender robe. I topped off my tea and joined Mom, who was mixing up batter and frying up bacon.
Mom sidled up to me. “How are you doing, sweetie? I was hoping Christmas would cheer you up, but if you don’t want to talk about it, I understand.”
I sighed. I did want to talk about it, but Mom would be furious. Furious that I had been sneaking out every week to play in a band with boys she wouldn’t approve of, which led to a near sexual assault. It was ultimately stupid of me, and as much as I tried to tell myself it wasn’t my fault, I knew that it was. I hated not opening up to Mom, but considering that there was so much else that I hadn’t told her, like my secret millions and my mysterious time displacement, there was nothing I could do.
“It’s just the end of the year,” I lied. “School’s been rough this semester, and I just want to make sure I can keep my grades up.” The excuse felt hollow in my ears; high school was easy, if tedious. But it always seemed to cover everything else going wrong in my life.
Mom nodded absently, as if half-believing me. “You’re too hard on yourself, Maya. You’ve been getting such excellent grades for years now, and you shouldn’t put so much pressure on yourself.”
“I know, I know.”
Mom picked up the bowl of batter and began stirring. “You know, you’ve always been this way. Putting so much onto your shoulders. You were even like this when you were a little boy in kindergarten, and you refused to let anyone…er, Maya, what’s wrong?”
I stood, frozen, gripping my robe and staring at her with my eyes wide. I started shaking as my mouth went dry. “Mom…” was all I was able to get out.
Mom’s eyes widened in a panic. “Oh my God, Maya, I am so sorry. I didn’t mean to say…I just meant that in your whole life…I didn't mean to say 'boy.' Oh, I am so terribly sorry, sweetheart!”
I bit my lower lip, and the tears started pouring out as I turned to go downstairs. I heard Mom call after me, but I ignored her as I bounded down the stairs, wiping my eyes on my sleeve and retreating to my room. That was it. In a moment, being reminded that I wasn’t always a girl, that despite whatever biology I had I was just pretending, and not even doing that well enough. I was a liar in every sense of the word; a liar about school, a liar about my music, a liar about being Maya.
I collapsed onto my bed, burying my face into my pillow as I had done every night since that awful night. And now I had that reminder that I was once Matthew despite the dresses and my best efforts to make a new life for myself. It was a few minutes before Mom knocked on my door, sat on my bed, and apologized again through her own tears. I sat up and hugged her hard as I cried into her shoulder, and Mom simply held me until I stopped.
Eventually, Mom took my head into her hands and wiped my tears. “Maya, my sweet baby girl, you don’t have to talk about what’s bothering you. I’ll be here for you whenever you need me to. I love you so much.” She kissed my forehead and I buried my face into her shoulder again, wordlessly.
We managed to make it back upstairs, where Dad had taken over making breakfast and Tim was already hoarding pancakes. Mom and I were somber, though she held my hand tightly as Dad quietly served breakfast. My confidence may have been shattered, but at least I still had my family. It was a small comfort, at least.
***
When classes started back up in January, I was still on edge as I walked the halls of the school. There would be a brush of a backpack on my shoulder, or a male student would wave at me and I would flinch. My eyes would dart about as I navigated the halls, not daring to make eye contact with any of the guys I encountered. I even started wearing baggy sweaters in an attempt to remain unnoticed by anyone.
Catherine cornered me in the library a few days after we got back. “Maya, what is going on with you?” she whispered. “You barely talked to me over the break and you look like you haven’t slept in weeks!”
I leaned back against the book stacks, hugging my textbooks to my chest. I prepared my lie once again. “It’s really just the schoolwork, Cat. It’s been really difficult this year—”
“That’s bull, Maya. I know you. You get straight A’s and you don’t even break a sweat. Is it Jake? Did you have a fight?”
I shook my head. “No, Jake and I are fine. It’s just…something happened that I can’t talk about. Please, just leave it alone.”
Catherine tilted her head, looking at me. She sighed, and turned to walk away. I was devastated, of course, that I couldn’t bring myself to open up to my best friend, but how could I? She deserved a friend who actually knew how to be a girl, and wasn’t lying about every aspect of her life. Not to mention someone who failed as a spouse in a different life. Maybe I was better off by myself.
It was just as morose with the guys in Tempest. They had gone back to using the band room to practice during the winter, and while the first week I tried to join in, my heart wasn’t in it. Losing the regular gig at The Whole was a big hit, and we didn’t really have much else going on as far as events or venues to play in. Eventually, I just didn’t show up to practice, and the guys kept their distance, not knowing how to act. I’m sure they were upset about The Whole, but they were realistic enough to know it wasn’t feasible anymore. Besides, I was just a liability to them at this point, since they were all seniors and I was just a junior.
Through it all, the one person who didn’t try to treat me delicately was Jake. He was just as affable as ever, since he was the star of the basketball team and things were on the rise for him. Maybe he was blissfully unaware that I was going through anything, because I seemed to find relief when I watched him play basketball, and I didn’t even like basketball. He was a constant source of fresh air as everything else crumbled around me.
In early February, Jake drove me home like he usually did when we didn’t have our respective after-school meetings or practices. We were in the same geometry class together, so we usually worked on our homework before the rest of my family got home. I’m sure most parents would be hesitant to allow a boy to be home alone for a couple of hours with their daughter, but Jake and I obediently finished our homework. Maybe it was odd that neither of us did anything more scandalous than that, but Jake was well-liked by Mom and Dad and I was perfectly trustworthy.
I was walking Jake through the Pythagorean theorem in my room for the third time, and it seemed to finally be getting through to him. It felt good to be able to help him out with something that was familiar to me. As he finished up his last set of problems, I went upstairs to get a couple of pops and a new bag of chips. When I got back downstairs, snacks in hand, I saw Jake standing up and fiddling with something on my ledge.
He turned, and I saw what he was holding; it was my black mask, complete with metal studs and straps. “What the heck is this thing, Maya?” he asked.
I froze, nearly dropping the drinks. “It’s…nothing. Put it down.”
Jake chuckled, fitting the mask over his face. “Really? This is pretty intense! Is this black leather or something?”
I practically threw the snacks on my white bed cover and tried to yank the mask away from him. “I said it was nothing, Jake! Please give it back to me.”
Jake didn’t read the room, and playfully kept it out of reach. “No way, Maya! I gotta know what this is! Is it like a Halloween costume or something? I’ve never seen you wear this! I have to know why you have a leather mask like this!”
I helplessly tried to take it back from him, and something in me just snapped. I was suddenly back in that green room, vulnerable and powerless, and before I knew it the tears started streaming from my face. I crumpled to the floor, covering my face in my hands as I started sobbing. Jake stopped laughing almost immediately, lowering himself to the floor. I could feel him press the mask against my arm.
“God, I’m sorry, Maya. Here, you can have it back. I didn’t mean to make you cry.”
I gently took the mask back, still crying into my other hand. I sobbed for a few minutes as Jake sat next to me on the floor. He put his arm around me, saying nothing as I let it out. It was several minutes before I wiped my eyes and spoke up.
“It’s not you, Jake. This mask was…part of my costume.”
Jake nodded. “Ah, so it was a Halloween thing.”
I shook my head. “No. It was…what I performed in." I took a deep breath. "I’ve been in Roger Harris’s band since last spring. I was the guitarist.”
Jake was stunned. “Roger Harris? Band? You’ve been in a band since spring!? Is that why you were always out on days we didn't have anything going on at school?”
I nodded slowly. “I didn’t want anyone to know. My parents would kill me, and everyone in school would shun me if they knew I was playing in his band. I’m Maya Brown: perfect student, JV cheerleader, and student body treasurer. They wouldn’t understand.”
Jake scratched the back of his neck. “And you wore this mask? It’s like, hardcore or something.”
“I had a whole costume. It was sort of a disguise in case I saw anyone from school. I never did because we mostly played downtown. But then, in December, something happened and I haven’t performed since.”
I proceeded to tell Jake everything about the band. About the audition, about The Whole every Tuesday night, and about what that asshole Mike did to me in the green room. Jake was furious that it happened to me, and I felt his arm get tighter around my shoulder as I admitted what happened. I was surprised at how easily it came out; I had bottled it up for so long that it was a relief to finally tell someone what happened. Jake patiently listened with his arm around me until I said everything.
“I’m so sorry that happened to you, Maya,” said Jake softly. “I would have kicked that guy’s ass if I had been there.”
I laughed, despite myself. “I know you would have, Jake. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you about what I was doing. I thought you’d look down on me too, or something, for playing in that band.”
Jake laughed. “Are you kidding me? I think that’s freaking awesome that you were in a band! I wish I could have seen you on stage!”
I almost burst into tears again, but this time I managed a tight-lipped, genuine smile. “They called me the Masked Maiden, because I always wore the mask on stage.”
Jake had a funny smirk. “Is there any chance…I mean, could I…see your costume?”
My eyes went wide. “You want to see my costume?”
“Hell yeah! I’ve always wanted to hear you play, but I didn’t want to pressure you about it. Would you…mind?”
I laughed. “Fine. Get out of my room for a few minutes and I’ll change. No peeking!”
Jake shut the door behind him, and I dug into my dresser to pull out my black pants, my tight black t-shirt, and my wristbands, finished off with my black boots. I caked on a little bit of my black eyeliner, and taking the mask in my hands I fit it over my mouth, and fixed my hair like I usually did. I pulled out my white Fender from the stand that it had been sitting on for weeks, and plugged it in. When it was ready to go, I called out to Jake in the hallway.
“Okay, I’m ready,” I called out shyly.
Jake stepped back in, and saw the Masked Maiden for the first time. The makeup, the belt chain, the exposed midriff under a too-small t-shirt. He was floored.
“Holy shit, Maya, you look incredible!”
I smiled underneath the mask, turning my head and thankful that the mask hid my reddening cheeks. “Take a seat. The Masked Maiden doesn’t usually do private shows, you know.”
Jake nodded dumbly, sitting on the edge of my bed with his eyes trained on me. I took my pick into my hands, and played “Exit Strategy,” one of the songs Roger and I prepared together. It was just the guitar parts, but Jake clearly didn’t care as he watched in rapt attention. I started off a little reluctant, but by the time I worked through “Headless” and “Static Kiss” I was really into it. Jake was too.
The last note hung in the air as Jake wildly clapped for the millionth time. “Maya, that was fucking awesome! God damn!” He collapsed dramatically back onto my bed, his feet still planted on the floor. I took off my guitar and sat next to him as he spread his arms on my bed.
“You think I was good?” I asked timidly.
Jake sat up with a start. “Maya, you were amazing. I’m sure you kicked butt on stage every night!”
“Thanks, Jake.” I smiled again, and I reached back to untie my mask. Before I could do so, I felt his hands go past my neck.
“Here, I’ll untie it for you,” he said quietly, looking down at me. I pliantly sat still as he gently loosened the straps from under my ears, slowly pulling the mask away from my face. His fingertips brushed my jawline as my breath skipped. He set the mask aside, his hand still on the nape of my neck. We stared at each other for a minute, my heart beating out of my chest. My hand went unconsciously to his thigh, and I inched towards him. I didn’t even think as I closed my eyes and our lips met.
Jake and I had kissed before, but it was usually a casual friendly kiss. This kiss was long, passionate, and intense. For once, I didn’t care about what Matthew would have thought, or if what I was doing was wrong. I needed this. I was tired of denying what my body screamed that it wanted. I threw my arms around him as our kiss deepened, and I pulled Jake down to my pillow. We adjusted quickly, with him resting deliciously on top of me as our tongues went wild against each other.
I don’t know how long we made out on my bed, but I felt so warm and good that time meant nothing to me. I could feel my breasts straining through my t-shirt and against Jake’s body, and it felt wonderful having his weight on me. He fumbled awkwardly to put his arms around me, but it felt so good to be underneath him like this that I didn’t care. Eventually we ran out of steam, and with a final peck on my mouth, Jake rolled over onto his back. He put his arm around me, and I curled up against him, feeling safe and secure as his fingers stroked my shoulder. My hand caressed his chest and stomach, and I felt content for the first time in weeks.
It was Jake that spoke up first. “I didn’t mean to get carried away,” he chuckled. “You just look…really amazing in that.”
I giggled into his chest. “Well, maybe I am irresistible. A little bit.”
“Any other secrets you want to get off your chest?” Jake asked playfully.
I twisted my lips. “Oh yeah, I’m actually a secret millionaire. I’m a high school student in my free time.”
As expected, Jake laughed. “Awesome! Can you buy me a new car? Or an island somewhere in the ocean?”
“Oh sure, just let me write a check.”
Jake turned his head towards me, as I looked up from the comfort of his embrace. “Promise me this though. If you ever perform again with the band, let me know. I won’t tell anyone, I promise. And I’ll wreck anyone who decides they can touch you.”
“Deal,” I said, as I raised up to kiss him one more time before I settled back under his arm.
We cuddled like that for some time, occasionally whispering things to each other but mostly just being with each other. I felt like a great weight had lifted off my shoulders; I wasn’t disgusting, I wasn’t a liar, I was just me. And I couldn’t let some drunk asshole dictate to me what I was. We dreamily lay together until I heard the garage door open upstairs, and I sat up with a jolt. I kicked Jake out of my room and told him to sit in the basement until I changed. I wasn’t even wearing a bra under my t-shirt and the last thing I needed was my parents to know we were making out.
No one was the wiser, of course, and I managed to switch back into my regular clothes as Jake and my Dad started chatting about guy stuff. Fortunately we had left all of our geometry papers out so we had deniability. Jake ended up staying over for dinner as he did many times, and we kept stealing glances at each other and grinning when no one was looking. He hit the road when the sun went down, and I retired to my room.
I lay on my bed, my hand wandering all over my body as I thought about Jake. Maybe I had crossed a line and broken my own rule about being too physical. But honestly, I didn’t care. It felt so good, unlike anything I ever remembered feeling from Matthew’s life. It wasn’t sex—I would never let it get to that point—but the intimacy and the sensations of it were more powerful than I had thought they would be. Someday I would experience sex as a woman, but for now I could allow a make-out session here and there, especially if Jake wanted to.
With this clarity, I knew that I’d have to talk to Catherine. And maybe the guys in the band. And maybe even my parents. Not everything, of course, but at least I knew that Jake was in my corner. He saw me as Maya and nothing else. And if he could see me, then the world could too. There’s no way I would let the world look down on me.