All things considered, I should be happy. I should be beaming, really. I managed to save these people. Furthermore, they seemed to know about me! Or Vuthe, anyway. That was great! It would mean that I might finally get some answers regarding Thelvadore’s fate.
But despite this, I couldn’t help but… worry. After they agreed to join me, I began to lead them back into town. Cecily was obviously still fit and ready for more, but her companion looked utterly exhausted. And spooked. She was the one who had recognised me, although even then I found her reaction a tad… extreme.
That was the thing I found most confusing. Lucy–that being the name of the Catkin who, to be perfectly honest, was utterly adorable to see in the flesh, once I’ve gotten over my initial uncanny valley reaction–had obviously recognised me as a Goddess, although she didn’t seem to know my name. Which I found kind of strange, to be honest.
Or perhaps I shouldn’t? In many versions of the story Vuthe had, at some point, forbidden her own worship, because she was literally swamped with petitioners and requests to the point that she couldn’t fulfil her duties as Thelvadore’s monarch anymore. Depending on which version had taken control in that regard, and how long it had been, perhaps it was only natural that the connection between Vuthe de Thal and Shiarex–the Goddess of the Shadow Armory–got lost? I had to keep in mind that I knew far more than most, even including the characters themselves.
Still, the entire episode made me worry. Because while I was recognised as a Goddess, the reaction to that seemed quite harsh even then. Vuthe hadn’t really done many bad things in her role as the Goddess of the Shadow Armory. Really, all things considered, her time as Shiarex was probably the source of most of the positive PR she had ever gotten. Yet this woman was utterly terrified to even look at me.
Even if she did try to sneak peeks at me at a truly adorable rate.
Perhaps it was something else? I could just ask, but I didn’t know how to broach the topic. It felt weird to talk about any of that right now, since I had barely accepted my role as Vuthe de Thal in the first place. I was an imposter, pure and simple.
The thought made me frown.
The three of us continued our slow walk, none of us inclined to speak. Cecily was obviously still on edge, keeping a close eye on me and her surroundings. She seemed to be the responsible type, reliable and sworn to her duty. The observation nagged at the back of my mind. Something about her felt familiar, although I didn’t know how to place it, or where it came from.
Lucy, on the other hand, seemed twitchy. She was obviously terrified of me–something I did feel rather bad about, even if I didn’t know what I could’ve done differently to prevent it–yet at the same time also seemed unable to just ignore me either. The way she repeatedly gave me sideways glances made me think that maybe she was a bit more of an inquisitive, perhaps even energetic type. I didn’t miss her fidgeting either.
Well, it did fit my mental image of a cat quite well. And while her ears were still flat on her head, I didn’t miss the way that slowly shifted, with curious flicks of both her feline features into every direction. It made it honestly hard to focus on anything else.
After all, Catgirls were, after dragons, my biggest weakness.
The entire situation was kind of awkward. It was made only worse by the general unease I felt having to converse with them. I had never been especially social as a person; that much I knew even with my limited memories of my previous life. Talking to strangers wasn’t my strong suit, and the only time I really managed to become personable without some internal anxiety attack was through the internet.
I wasn’t quite as bad as the bambling idiot so often portrayed in movies and the like, but that was mostly outward appearances, and only held up at first glance. I was a social chameleon, able to blend in if needed, but it cost me a lot of mental energy and the act quickly fell apart after prolonged exposure.
Not to mention that it didn’t do anything about my internal anxiety about it all. Something I may have gotten used to, but that didn’t mean it was pleasant.
And now I was here, far away from my previous life, inhabiting the body of one of the most influential people on this continent–who was also known once upon a time to be relatively sociable–and had to deal with people. People, mind you, that were from an entirely different world, and had probably very different cultural upbringings that I had to adjust to. I may have created the world I was now in, but I never much thought about the typical day to day on Satien.
I had absolutely no idea how to even approach talking to them, how to act as Vuthe, and how to ensure I didn’t freak them out even more. Really, I was utterly amazed how well I was doing so far, in terms of social interaction. To the point that I wasn’t sure if there wasn’t some level of influence coming from Vuthe’s end.
The thought reminded me of that moment I first entered the fray after I decided to save them. As terrified as I had been beforehand, the moment I had found myself in the middle of combat I felt… calm. Serene, even. I had expected to be paralysed by fear, to be barely able to fight properly even with all my insane strength. So when things suddenly just became… normal, I was stunned. Utterly unable to properly react. Which, unsurprisingly, ended with me just standing in the middle of a battlefield looking like I’d seen an alien.
Even killing was easy. Far too easy, really. The moment I had decided to deal with the threat, it was as if something else had taken over. Not in the sense that I wasn’t the one in control. I was still very much the person to move and react and think and decide what to do. Yet there was something that made it all… easier.
As far as I could tell I’ve lived my entire life in the modern day. I never even held a proper weapon, much less been trained to use one. I was appalled by the violence so often depicted in the media, even though I was in the abstract quite fascinated by it, as was evidenced by my writing.
That reluctance and revulsion, though, kind of just… vanished in that moment. I had seen the beasts, and I had decided that they had to die. They were a danger to the people, people I had decided were under my protection, and so that threat had to be vanquished. I didn’t feel even the slightest bit of hesitation, not even now. The only reason I wasn’t even more torn up about it, was that I still felt remorse. Even whatever had enabled me to act without hesitation realised that the taking of a life wasn’t something to be done lightly.
Given my working theory that it was influenced by Vuthe’s past, that didn’t surprise me. She had lived her entire life living under the pressure that she was, by nature, evil. Okay, that statement might be a bit misleading.
Rin Savart, the person that became Vuthe after being reincarnated on Satien, wasn’t evil. Very few people are born evil, after all. But the body she was reborn into, the body of a trueblooded Shadow Dragon, was. Comments about edgy and dramatic backstory aside, her draconic ancestor was Ga’zeith de Thal, one of the Celestials–the ten true gods that were created as gods, and didn’t become one through worship. He was meant to be the God of Darkness and Shadow, but over time he became worshipped as the Primordial Evil. Magic being magic, that belief influenced him over the billions of years he had been around as the intent took hold, and that changed him to become what people believed him to be.
His was the only lineage of trueblooded Shadow Dragons in existence–dragons born with that element. And through him, they were, by nature, evil creatures. Despite this, though, Vuthe categorically refused to let her nature control her.
So, while she certainly had moments where she lost her composure, she had trained her entire life to be in control of herself. If there was some influence coming from her that affected me, it made sense that it was very much in line with my own moral understanding, at least for the most part.
Of course, Vuthe would still remain to be more ruthless than me, and there was a certain point where she’d just screw the ranks and deal with issues as she saw fit. My lack of hesitation about killing the beasts kind of supported that hypothesis, since that would certainly be something Vuthe would be more than willing to do to ensure the survival of those she considered to be under her protection.
Knowing that I could, at least for the most part, rely on her understanding of morals and ethics to roughly align with my own was calming.
Not to mention that, as much as I hated the idea of actually fighting, things would’ve probably gone far worse if I had hesitated. I wasn’t naive enough to think that I could survive in this world with my usual pacifist outlook. And I would rely on those instincts that I inhabited from Vuthe for those moments. Killing beasts isn’t something I would’ve been able to do, but it was something I had to get used to.
The thought made me wonder if I could even have considered myself a pacifist to begin with, since so far I never really had to test my conviction on that. Given that it had broken apart at the first challenge, I had to admit to a good bit of shame that perhaps I wasn’t as convinced about it as I always told myself I would be.
My thoughts were interrupted when we arrived at the city gates. I shook myself as I realised that I had drifted off into my own mental world again. Going on mental tangents, or just getting lost in my own thoughts wasn’t something new to me. Most of the time my body worked on autopilot while I was occupied in my mind. So far that hadn’t been much of an issue, considering I had lived a pretty safe life. Here, though, I might have to do something about that habit of mine. Inattention could be my death in a world of might and magic.
Focusing back on the here and now, I glanced over at the two women that were still trailing behind me quietly. Neither had spoken as far as I could tell, both still pretty tense. To my relief, Lucy had gotten a bit less twitchy, switching over to wide-eyed amazement at the sight of the place, positively brimming with energy. It was clear to anyone with eyeballs that she was looking forward to exploring these ruins.
I had invited the two to stay within the city in a moment of inspiration. A part of it was that I wanted to see them safe. My own social incompetence notwithstanding, I did feel kind of responsible, even if I couldn’t explain why. Another part was my own curiosity about them. One was a mysterious and masked swordswoman–one that I couldn’t help but feel was familiar somehow–and the other an honest to god catgirl.
On top of that, I was hoping that they’d be able to help me fill in the blanks I had. About Thelvadore and the rest of the world.
As much as that was the plan, though, I didn’t really know how to go from here, now that we were actually in the city. It wasn’t as if I had fancy rooms available for them to use. Or any other rooms, really. Even a single building that wasn’t utterly destroyed would be hard to come by. Perhaps I could scour the ruins to find at least a room that was safe enough and had all walls, floor, and ceiling still intact?
“The city isn’t exactly in the best shape as you can see,” I said, not knowing how else to broach the subject. “Probably the most intact place would be the palace. I’m staying there for the time being. You can join me, if you want.”
Neither replied immediately. Lucy was the first to speak, although she didn’t seem to have paid much attention to me. “What… happened here? I’ve seen ruins before, but these look strange. No signs of widespread fire, only… carnage.”
“No idea,” I admitted freely with a shrug. “I’ve been trying to piece together exactly that ever since I woke up.”
I have a Discord!
Join my patreon to read up to five chapters ahead!