“Want to sit here?” Serena asked.
The incline of the hill we were making our way up was graceful and gentle, and I couldn't help but imagine how perfect it would be for sledding if only the light snowfall from earlier had stuck. But now, the dirt was hardened and the narrow patches of grass were frozen over, making it less than ideal for the planned firework show. Serena had insisted that we see it, and thankfully Aubrey had brought a thick blanket from her car. She unfolded it with a flourish, and the wind caught underneath, causing it to billow dramatically before settling onto the ground. Serena leapt onto the blanket between the two older girls, her small frame fitting perfectly between them. Aubrey chuckled and tousled her short, chopped hair while Nicole shoved Serena's legs off with a few choice words.
My head was on a swivel, breaths coming out in great clouds of frosted vapor. This was the same display that I had helped Aubrey hang up posters for around the school and how I had met Serena for the first time. This was also the reason I assumed Luke would be somewhere amongst the sparse crowd. He was nowhere to be seen on the hill and the railings by the sidewalk fared no better in this search. I let out a sigh of relief, happy that my impromptu search had proved fruitless because I did not want to deal with their reactions to him had he been present. Over-the-top anger, disgust, and confusion were emotions I wanted to avoid ending the night on.
I plopped on a corner of the blanket nearest to Aubrey, my legs splaying out across the grass. “Does this thing start soon?”
“Yeah, we just barely made it.” Serena flipped onto her side to glance at me. “You’re not going to sit closer? It’s a big blanket.”
“I’m not.” I tugged at the rough denim of my jeans before brushing my bangs to the side. The wind refused to allow me to part it, and eventually I gave up. “Today was a lot.”
“That’s…”
Aubrey hushed her, and whatever she was going to say dwindled into nothing. I was grateful for her understanding, but the knot in my stomach twisted tighter. It wasn’t that I wanted to be distant. I wanted to be able to laugh and joke, free from this stupid fear that haunted me. But my body still flinched away from the lightest of touches, no matter how much my mind knew they'd never hurt me. They weren't my shitty mom. Hell, they had even put themselves in harm’s way to defend me.
A particularly strong gust swept up the hillside, and I shivered, pulling my jacket tighter. The first firework blossomed above, drawing attention to the starless sky with a commanding boom. Some smaller ones burst and crackled forth, painting the night sky in a shower of light that garnered a few gasps of admiration; they were fleeting. More continued to be propelled into the sky over the nearby lake, vanishing in a burst of light and noise. All that remained were thick clouds of smoke, lingering after each burst. I wondered if that was so bad, how fleeting they really were. That didn't make them any less beautiful.
“Guys?” The dazzling display above was now partially obscured by three worried faces leaning toward me.
“What’s up?” Serena chirped.
“You alright?” Aubrey asked.
Nicole huffed, annoyance clear. “This better not end up being a bunch of trouble.”
I swallowed, my fingers tightening around the blanket. For a moment, I considered telling them I was fine. That was what I always did. But hadn’t I thought that same thing before I got into that fight? And look how that turned out.
“Help me get over this. Please…”
Aubrey hesitated, her hand hovering uncertainly by my face. I took the decision out of her hands, shifting closer and allowing her to gently guide my head onto her shoulder. Her perfume was the usual vanilla and somehow that comforted me, even as my entire body went rigid.
“Is this ok?” she asked quietly.
I gave her a shaky thumbs-up, forcing myself to breathe as her hand slowly settled in my hair. She ruffled my bangs, and my fingers gripped the blanket tighter. Serena’s small finger delicately traced over my cheek, and Nicole softly pressed her palm against the other. The desire to run away or lash out was overwhelming, but I viciously shoved it down. I’d be damned if I took it out on them.
“Your hands are freezing,” I mumbled to no one in particular.
Nicole must have taken some sort of offense to my comment, and she scooted closer to Aubrey. The hair spilling over her shoulder smelled strongly of chlorine as she placed her hand beside Aubrey’s. “If I didn’t know any better, I’d think you were one lucky guy.”
I inhaled and exhaled roughly, giving her a smirk afterward that I was positive it fell flat. “Maybe I am.”
She combed her fingers through my hair. “You really just can’t help yourself, huh?”
“I’m glad we did this,” Aubrey said, her clear blue eyes locked on the fireworks overhead. “I don’t quite get what Miss Halsey’s intentions are for the Volunteers Club, but it’s fun.”
Serena snickered. “I thought this was supposed to be the Literature Club?”
“It damn well would have been if I had my way.”
Nicole’s usual grumblings went unnoticed, and for once she didn’t launch into one of her endless monologues. Instead, she fixated on the show, the fireworks bathing her in colors that gave her monotone wardrobe some temporary vibrancy. Aubrey brushed a loose strand of hair behind her ear, a small smile tugging on the corners of her lips as she remained enamored by the showing. The world around them seemed to fade away the more they became immersed in the spectacle, and I found myself unwilling to look away.
Ironically, I found myself captivated by the two girls watching the fireworks rather than the fireworks themselves. Luckily, Serena was preoccupied with some confession that had gone awry over on the sidewalk by the railing. That would prevent her from noticing and teasing me about staring.
I allowed myself to take in the mesmerizing sights before me, even as I stayed tense. But that was fine. For once, I wasn't trying to run from it. I was taking a step forward.