“And what if I don’t solve my murder?”
The woman folded her arms, glaring at the mysterious man like she was about to file a complaint against the afterlife itself.
The man didn’t answer immediately.
Instead, he slowly closed his little notebook… adjusted absolutely nothing on his outfit… and then—
Grinned.
“Oh,” he said, far too cheerfully, “then both you and your friend are going to hell, my lady.”
Silence.
“…Excuse me?” she said.
“I said—”
“I heard what you said. I don’t accept it.”
He blinked.
“That is… not how consequences work.”
She pointed at herself.
“I did good things, okay? I helped people. I returned the extra change. I even tolerated relatives during weddings. I deserve heaven!”
“Valid points,” he admitted, scribbling something down.
“Especially the relatives part.”
“Thank you!”
“But,” he continued, “rules are rules.”
“Oh my god,” she groaned, dragging her hand down her face.
“Is this heaven or a government office?”
“…We prefer the term ‘Divine Administrative Department.'”
“THAT’S WORSE!”
He coughed politely.
“Ma’am, please lower your voice.”
“Why? Is there a complaint desk I can go shout at instead?”
“We do have one.”
Her eyes lit up.
“Really?!”
“Yes. It has a waiting time of approximately… eternity.”
“…Of course it does.”
She started pacing.
“Unbelievable. I died. I literally died, and now I’m stuck in paperwork hell before even reaching actual heaven.”
“Technically,” he said, raising a finger, “you are stuck in pre-processing.”
“STOP USING CORPORATE TERMS AFTER DEATH!”
“Apologies. Habit.”
She turned back to him, suspicious.
“Tell me honestly… were you an HR manager in your previous life?”
He paused.
“…We are not allowed to disclose that.”
“I KNEW IT!”
The man suddenly pulled out a stack of papers.
Not one.
Not two.
A stack.
The kind that ruins lives.
“What is that?” she asked, already dreading the answer.
“Your agreement.”
“…My what?”
“Your ‘Solve Your Own Murder and Maybe Save Your Friend’ agreement.”
“That is a terrible name.”
“It tested well internally.”
She grabbed the papers and flipped through them.
Her eyes widened.
“Page 1… terms and conditions.”
“Standard.”
“Page 2… rules.”
“Necessary.”
“Page 3… more rules?!”
“Very necessary.”
“Page 4… sub-rules?!”
“Extremely necessary.”
She flipped faster.
“Page 7: ‘Do not unnecessarily haunt cats.’ WHAT DOES THAT EVEN MEAN?!”
He looked serious.
“We had incidents.”
She stared at him.
“…I don’t even want to know.”
“Good choice.”
She continued.
“‘You may not possess humans without consent.'”
“Important.”
“‘You may not dramatically reveal yourself in mirrors just for effect.'”
“…That one was abused heavily in the 1800s.”
“‘You must not yell “boo” more than three times per hour.'”
“That is a strict regulation.”
She threw the papers back at him.
“This is ridiculous!”
“Ma’am, please sign on page 12, 19, 27, and… 42.”
“WHY SO MANY SIGNATURES?!”
“Legal reasons.”
“WHO IS SUING YOU?! OTHER GHOSTS?!”
“…You would be surprised.”
She crossed her arms.
“I’m not signing this.”
The man smiled calmly.
“Then your friend—”
“UGH, GIVE IT HERE!”
She snatched the papers back.
“Blackmail,” she muttered, grabbing the pen.
“Divine negotiation,” he corrected.
She started signing aggressively.
“Sign.”
Scribble.
“Sign.”
SCRIBBLE.
“Sign—”
“IF THERE’S ONE MORE SIGN PAGE, I’M HAUNTING YOU FIRST.”
“…Noted.”
She finally slammed the pen into his hand.
“There. Done. Happy?”
“Immensely.”
He flipped through the pages, nodding like a proud teacher.
“Excellent. Everything seems in order.”
“Of course it is. I signed my soul away.”
“Technically, you already did that when you were born.”
“…You are not helping.”
She glanced back at her motionless best friend.
“Hey… why isn’t she moving?”
The man checked his notes.
“Oh. I haven’t ticked her Activation box yet.”
“…You haven’t WHAT?”
“Yes, she requires additional processing.”
“Processing?! She’s not a parcel!”
“Please be patient.”
“I am DEAD. I have no patience left!”
He ticked something dramatically.
A soft ding echoed.
Her friend blinked.
“…Wait.”
She blinked again.
“…Where am I?”
The woman gasped.
“YOU’RE ALIVE—well, not alive—but you’re talking!”
Her friend looked confused.
“Why are you shouting?”
“BECAUSE YOU WERE A STATUE FIVE MINUTES AGO!”
The mysterious man clapped his hands once.
“Alright, ladies. Time to proceed.”
“Proceed where?” they both asked.
“Back to Earth.”
They froze.
“…Excuse me?” the woman said.
“As a spirit,” he clarified.
“You will investigate your own murder.”
Her friend was totally in shock but had no time to understand what was actually going on, so she preferred to stay silent.
The man snapped his fingers.
A glowing circle appeared beneath them.
“Wait!” the woman said quickly.
“One last thing.”
“Yes?”
She pointed at him.
“You seriously should open a government office. You’d be amazing at it.”
He smiled proudly.
“I have been told.”
“I’m sure you have.”
The light grew brighter.
The ground beneath them started to fade.
“Alright,” she said, cracking her knuckles.
“Let’s solve the murder.”
Her friend looked nervous.
“What if we mess up?”
The woman smirked.
“Then we go to hell together.”
“…That’s not comforting.”
“Best friends,” she said with a grin.
“Best friends,” her friend sighed.
-POOF-
They vanished.
And somewhere far away, on Earth…
A mystery was waiting.
To Be Continued… 👀
Now it’s time to go to the disco -No- Time to go HOME