"You wouldn't… actually dislike me, would you?"…
Song Zhiluan kept herself occupied with numerous tasks.
With snowfall preventing outings, trinkets to pass the time piled up like a small mountain in their bedchamber.
Court affairs kept Xie Yujin busy, and he had been staying at the palace for several days. She missed him dearly but had no desire to enter the palace.
Fortunately, he sent letters back daily.
Though the messages were brief, they brought her comfort and something to look forward to.
After two months of careful recuperation at Guo Gong Fu, Song Zhiluan's health recently took a turn for the worse. The sight of meat made her nauseous, and foods she once loved now repulsed her at a glance.
That day, after taking her pulse, Zhinu set her hand down and said, "Your Highness's stomach discomfort is likely a reaction to the medicine, not a pregnancy pulse."
If before she had only vaguely wanted a child, now Song Zhiluan desired one intensely.
She found Guo Gong Fu too quiet.
Its silence often plunged her into nightmares.
If she had a child resembling Xie Yujin to keep her company, perhaps she wouldn't be so afraid.
Disappointed, Song Zhiluan pinched the fabric at her wrist. "Is the military physician's prescription ineffective? Why, after nearly a year, has there still been no movement in my belly?"
Since returning to the Imperial City a year ago, Zhinu had been regulating her health using ancient methods. Initially, there were no issues, but recently, Song Zhiluan's old illness resurfaced, making pregnancy risky. Knowing Song Zhiluan wouldn't cease medication, Zhinu had prepared to switch the fertility prescription to tonics.
Yet the change hadn't been made.
Zhinu held the prescription, scrutinizing it carefully. She had long memorized it, but still uneasy, she examined the herb dregs, sniffing and inspecting them closely. After a long while, she confirmed, "Your Highness, the prescription is correct, and the medicine is proper. Conception should occur naturally when the time is right. The delay may simply be due to fate not yet aligning."
Song Zhiluan murmured, "Xie Yujin and I have been married for almost seven years. How can fate still not be on our side?"
Lost in thought, she lowered her head and considered another possibility. "If my body is fine, Zhinu, do you think Xie Yujin might have a health issue?"
As the words left her mouth, their eyes met, and both froze in surprise.
Song Zhiluan had spoken impulsively, but upon reflection, it wasn't entirely impossible. With Guo Gong Fu's lineage so sparse, could it be due to underlying health problems?
Xie Yujin wasn't currently at the residence, so a pulse reading wasn't possible. Instead, Song Zhiluan summoned Yunu.
"Bring the residence physician to me."
This physician had served Xie Jia for many years. Xie Yujin, being robust and seldom ill, had his pulse checked exclusively by this elder, whose medical skills rivaled even those of the Imperial Physicians.
Mu Li was brought before Song Zhiluan, his graying beard brushing the floor as he kowtowed. "Your Highness, for what matter have you summoned this humble one?"
"Let me ask you," Song Zhiluan said, instructing Zhinu to shut all doors and windows tightly before whispering, "Having served Xie Jia for so long, do you know if Xie Yujin has any… hidden ailments?"
"Hi-hidden ailments?" Mu Li seemed startled. "No, Your Highness! The general is a dragon among men—how could he have hidden ailments?"
Song Zhiluan rested her chin on her hand. "Truly? You're from the Xie family—you wouldn't be helping Xie Yujin deceive me, would you?"
She had intended it as a casual intimidation, already inclined to believe Mu Li.
"Do you know the consequences of deception—"
But suddenly, Mu Li trembled violently, kowtowing again. "Your Highness! This humble one admits his fault! I beg Your Highness to be merciful and spare me!"
Song Zhiluan was not an intimidating person by nature, but having been born into the imperial family, she had learned to emulate the demeanor of those in power. When she chose to adopt that authoritative posture, it could be quite formidable.
Seeing how she had frightened the old physician into shrinking like a turtle, Song Zhiluan intended to tell him to rise.
But he seemed terrified of letting her speak first and urgently pleaded, "Your Highness! This humble one truly knows his wrongs! I should never have prepared the sterility concoction for the General, but I had no choice! As a servant of Xie Jia, if not for the General's stubborn insistence, I could never have brought myself to sever the Xie family line! I beg Your Highness for mercy!"
Dead silence.
The room was so quiet not a sound could be heard, and even the sunlight outside couldn't penetrate the darkness within.
After a long while, Song Zhiluan asked in a dazed voice, "When did this happen?"
Mu Li kowtowed repeatedly, "It… it was on the eve of Your Highness's wedding to the General."
The night before their wedding.
That felt truly distant now.
But why would he do such a thing?
Weren't they in love?
The physician, receiving no further instruction from Song Zhiluan, kept his forehead pressed firmly against the floor tiles, his body drenched in cold sweat. "Your… Your Highness…"
Song Zhiluan's thoughts were interrupted by his voice. She let out a soft "ah" and raised eyes that she hadn't realized had grown slightly warm.
"It's nothing. You may leave."
The physician thought he had misheard, until Yunu grabbed his collar, pulled him upright, opened the door to let him out, and instructed him to keep today's matters confidential.
Then she and Zhinu stood by Song Zhiluan's side.
"Xie Yujin… why wouldn't he want to have children with me?" Song Zhiluan felt as if a piece of her chest were missing—empty, hollow, with a persistent, dull ache. "Why would he do such a thing?"
"Your Highness…"
"Eight years. I should have suspected long ago. Why did it never occur to me that it might be him?"
Tears welled in Zhinu's eyes. "Your Highness, please don't be sad."
Song Zhiluan wiped her tears, but her nose stung and her eyes quickly filled again. "Why should I be sad? That scoundrel Xie Yujin brought this upon himself. Why should I grieve for him?"
"Your Highness," Yunu stepped forward and embraced her, her voice cold, "Let me demand justice for you."
"No," Song Zhiluan grabbed her sleeve and stood up, her long skirt sweeping across the floor. "Don't cause more trouble for my imperial brother."
The more troubles her brother faced, the more difficult her sister's journey home would become.
Between husband and wife, conflicts were inevitable.
He simply didn't want children.
"It doesn't matter," Song Zhiluan withdrew her hand, pressing her icy palms against the hand warmer, her fingers tangling in the tassels. "It's nothing serious."
Song Zhiluan loved watching Xie Yujin return through the snow.
She loved seeing his cloak covered in snowflakes that melted into water stains. When the storm was heavier, droplets would even fall to the ground. In her youth, her sister had taught her a line of poetry: "the traveler returning on a stormy night." After reciting it, Song Zhiluan would burrow into her sister's embrace. Her sister said the line felt lonely, but she found it beautiful—the thought of someone willing to brave heavy snow, drenched to the bone, just to return to see you. How wonderful.
She never imagined those words would prove prophetic.
In later years, during countless snowy days, she waited for her sister's return in dilapidated temples, and for Xie Yujin's return within the carved beams and embroidered pillars of Guo Gong Fu.
This time, Xie Yujin didn't return to Guo Gong Fu until three days later. Before untying his cloak, he glanced at Song Zhiluan sitting by the incense burner.
Song Zhiluan was eating pastries and took a moment to look at him. "You're back."
Xie Yujin nodded. "What are you eating?"
"The medicinal cuisine Zhinu prepared for me is a bit bitter. You definitely wouldn't like it, so I won't offer you any."
Snow fell outside, the sky gloomy, the afternoon appearing as dark as night. Xie Yujin placed his wolf-fur cloak on the chair, and soon the small kitchen served the meal.
After the maids delivering the dishes had all left, Song Zhiluan washed her hands and sat down opposite Xie Yujin, speaking softly, "If you didn't want children, why didn't you tell me?"
Xie Yujin's chopsticks paused almost imperceptibly as he set them down.
"You know."
"Perhaps I found out too late. All these years, I never once suspected you." She habitually folded her arms, resting her chin on them, smiling as if casually. "Xie Yujin, could it be… you truly don't like me?"
As Song Zhiluan said this, a sharp pain pierced her heart.
Xie Yujin lifted his gaze, meeting hers in a long silence.
Just as Song Zhiluan thought he was tacitly admitting it, a voice suddenly came from before her.
"I remember answering that question before."
Song Zhiluan's heart seemed to freeze, her entire body stiff and cold.
Countless scenes flashed before her eyes at that moment.
Indeed, Xie Yujin had never said he liked her. But she had always thought he just couldn't bring himself to say it, never taking it seriously—until the physician's words made her doubt, and only today did she understand.
Xie Yujin set down his chopsticks. "Anything else you want to ask?"
Song Zhiluan had thought she would be angry or heartbroken, but in reality, she had already exhausted those emotions over the past two days.
Hearing Xie Yujin's words now, her first reaction was actually panic, as if something important was being torn away from her.
She didn't know what expression to show Xie Yujin, so in the end, she used a smile to conceal it. "Then why were you worried about my illness? Why did you carry me on your back? Why did you risk your life to save me? I won't believe what you say."
Her tone was casual, carrying a faint hint of laughter, no different from their usual banter.
Xie Yujin's reply was equally calm. "Does not liking you mean I can't carry you or save you?"
"That's different."
"If I couldn't do those things, you'd be dead by now." There was no hint of jest in his words. In fact, Song Zhiluan had never heard Xie Yujin joke before. It was just that she had been presumptuous in the past; now she could clearly see his expression.
He had been answering her questions seriously all along.
Song Zhiluan gave a light laugh but didn't press further. Her throat felt somewhat strange. She drank a cup of tea to suppress the faint taste of blood in her mouth, then placed the empty cup on the table. "Don't do things that could be misunderstood in the future. It will make me angry."
After saying this, she didn't look at Xie Yujin's expression, closed the door, and went straight to the eastern chamber.
Sitting before the dressing table for a while, Song Zhiluan took down the bronze mirror to examine her teeth, inspecting them carefully.
Each one was pearly white, with no trace of bleeding.
So where did the taste of blood in her throat come from?
Ever since Song Zhen's death, Song Zhiluan had often had nightmares—the wild dogs that had devoured Song Zhen turning on each other, breaking into the city, and devouring everyone. Later, the wild dogs crouched down to form a new Jing, the city gates becoming their mouths, spitting out corpses all over the ground.
She could hardly tell whether it was an illusion or reality.
In the study, Guo Ziyi brought the seal and handed it to Xie Yujin.
"General, a eunuch brought news today that the Emperor coughed up blood this morning."
But another voice echoed in Xie Yujin's ears.
["I will get angry."]
Song Zhiluan's temper was never particularly good, and this wasn't the first time she had been upset with him. Yet this time, he faintly sensed something different.
He had never intended to become a father. Song Zhiluan alone had already derailed his plans; having a child would only entangle them further. Drinking the sterility concoction was a relief for everyone involved.
"General?"
Xie Yujin stamped the official document and replied calmly, "I'm listening."
Guo Ziyi nodded, relayed all the intelligence he had gathered over the past few days, and was about to leave when Xie Yujin asked, "How is the capital relocation progressing?"
With the imperial lineage dwindling, many officials believed the previous dynasty had provoked divine wrath and that the Imperial City was ill-omened. Since Song Dingyuan declared himself emperor, he had been preparing to move the capital.
Guo Ziyi found the question somewhat odd, but as his nominal post allowed him to spend most of his time gathering intelligence, he answered promptly, "The Minister of Works reported yesterday that the three main halls have been restored. They will soon request the Imperial Observatory to select an auspicious date."
Xie Yujin gave a noncommittal hum.
It was time to set things right.
In the third year of her elder brother's reign, Song Zhiluan opened a letter sent from Xi Yi.